How do you handle payment for overseas travel when kids are really little? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 19 Old 05-19-2013, 11:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband and I are separating. The kids are one and a half and three. His family is on literally the other side of the world. In a moment of weakness I suggested later this year we all go so his family can see the kids and split the cost. It would cost me about five thousand for two people.

Now I wonder if this is just a crazy thing to do. I told him later I read in cases like this the parent wanting the trip often pays everything. He was shocked and considered fifty fifty only fair. And it irks me his family might pay for his half.

But is it fair? I don't really want to go. But it would be a fun trip for the kids.
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#2 of 19 Old 05-19-2013, 11:43 AM
 
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the divorce pretty much renders any family plans you made in the past null and void. You don't need to go on a family trip when you are no longer his family. And you don't have to pay anything for your children to visit his family.

 

I'd also be really careful about letting him take the kids out of the state/province/country when you're in the middle of a divorce. Your kids are too little to really remember the trip, I'd wait until they're old enough to appreciate it.

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#3 of 19 Old 05-19-2013, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess before the divorce is final overseas travel to his county could be risky. I hadn't considered that. The offer was made after my request for separation in a guilt induced attempt to make him feel better.

At that age he couldn't travel with out me as I am the primary care giver. Luckily he is very pro extended breast feeding and wouldn't fight for a solo trip with them just yet.
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#4 of 19 Old 05-19-2013, 08:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Springshowers View Post

I guess before the divorce is final overseas travel to his county could be risky. I hadn't considered that.

 

Even after the divorce is finalized, it could be risky, depending on your children's father, especially if you do not take proper precautions.  What country is your children's father from?  Some countries are easier to get your children back if their father refuses to return them than others.  I tell you this not to scare you, but as a Mother or a two year old who's father has repeatedly threatened to kidnap our son to his home countries and not return him.  You may never need to follow up on your precautions... but it's better to have an emergency plan in place just in case.  Nobody thinks it can happen to them.

 

If your children's father's family wants to see the children so badly, perhaps they can come visit your ex where he lives.


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#5 of 19 Old 05-20-2013, 04:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He is from Australia which is a member if that convention. At this time I don't really consider him wanting to do that a possibility.

Then coming here sounds much better, but He has a big extended family and there would be no chance of seeing them all.
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#6 of 19 Old 05-21-2013, 03:53 AM
 
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If you are taking the trip together, 50/50 is only fair. 

 

If he is going by himself with the kids, well, then he gets to pay.  Just like you would have to if you were going by yourself. 

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#7 of 19 Old 05-22-2013, 08:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If you are taking the trip together, 50/50 is only fair. 

If he is going by himself with the kids, well, then he gets to pay.  Just like you would have to if you were going by yourself. 

I get what you are saying but the trip is not for me. It is to accompany the kids on a 24 hour airplane and airport trip he could not do alone at this age. They are also to young to be away from me for two to three weeks. We would stay with or near his family and I would expect to not be included in most activities.

I was just wondering how others handled this situation.

in all reality he might not be able to pull together his half so it might be a non issue.
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#8 of 19 Old 05-23-2013, 09:35 PM
 
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Well, we are planning a much cheaper trip this summer, but same idea :)  We had planned a family camping trip with stbx's parents this summer for a week, which is longer than I am comfortable leaving the kids for (plus it is 8 hours away driving), so I said I will go with still if he wants to take the kids.  We haven't planned out the finances yet, honestly, but I imagine if I drive separately, I will pay for my gas, etc., plus my portion of the food? I am also taking off work for a week, which is a pretty big financial sacrifice for me (I am self-employed, so no paid vacation).  His parents are paying for the campsites, and I will expect him to cover the other costs for the kids (food, outings, travel, etc.) which seems fair to me...?

 

Perhaps you could ask the same, that he cover the costs for travel, food, lodging for kids and himself and you will cover your own costs? 


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#9 of 19 Old 05-23-2013, 10:44 PM
 
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I think he should pay for you all to go but he should at least have to pay for the children. You can pay for yourself. I personally would never go on that kind of vacation. YOu have no idea at what state your relationship will be with him at the time and to be in a place that is very much his territory and his family could cause a lot of issues.
 

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#10 of 19 Old 05-24-2013, 09:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes it is feeling like waiting to see is the best option right now.

As I said guilt at being the one to ask for a separation made me offer. I should have kept my mouth shut.
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#11 of 19 Old 05-25-2013, 07:45 PM
 
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It's okay to back out. Totally reasonable. You sound like a very generous person to even consider doing that for stbx and his family (because honestly i think the kids are too young to really get a lot out of it). Also consider the precedent set...ie would they expect this every year for the next 20 years? In case you're looking for reassurance it's ok to back out....I think it's ok to back out and just see how the divorce unfolds first. It could get nasty. There's no way I'd risk it myself.
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#12 of 19 Old 05-30-2013, 07:08 PM
 
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I get what you are saying but the trip is not for me. It is to accompany the kids on a 24 hour airplane and airport trip he could not do alone at this age. They are also to young to be away from me for two to three weeks. We would stay with or near his family and I would expect to not be included in most activities.

I was just wondering how others handled this situation.

in all reality he might not be able to pull together his half so it might be a non issue.

Doesn't matter who it is for.  It's only fair that it is 50/50  if you are going.  Or that you at least pay for yourself. 

 

Or you can back out.  But he could probably get a court order allowing him to take the kids (without you) if he really wanted to push the issue.  Of course, he would then be on the hook for his and all kids travel expenses. 

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#13 of 19 Old 06-03-2013, 05:40 PM
 
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If the kids are too little to take a 2-3 week trip without you, they are too little to go at all.  I babysit every morning for a single mom across the street and her daughter just turned 7.  She went to England with her father last year for 11days and that was really hard on her.  She was with a very involved father that she adores and visiting close relatives and even still, she had a hard time leaving the mother she's very bonded with.  She nursed until she was 4 and she still co-sleeps a lot of nights and even though she skyped with mom every night, she still missed her terribly.  Dad paid for everything.


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#14 of 19 Old 06-04-2013, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I told him we just can't do it this year. Things are to tender and hurt and we need time to get through separation and divorce first.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
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#15 of 19 Old 06-04-2013, 01:17 PM
 
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I am so glad to hear this. Way to go! Good for you for thinking of the children first (because from now on its about them, not him).
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#16 of 19 Old 06-04-2013, 02:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I offered because I knew he would feel good introducing them to his family. Not a good reason. Neither of us can afford to spend that much anyhow. He likely would have canceled anyway. I feel good setting some boundaries though.
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#17 of 19 Old 06-05-2013, 02:24 PM
 
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Well done!

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#18 of 19 Old 06-06-2013, 12:10 AM
 
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I agree great choice for not just you but sounds like for the whole family.
 

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#19 of 19 Old 06-09-2013, 09:54 AM
 
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I know this is already sorted but here are my two cents

If you were still planning on going I feel he should pay for every ones flight and related travel costs.  But your hotel costs etc while he and the children were with his family would be at your expense. I feel this would be a very wonderful way to allow the children to meet their extended family while allowing for their needs to be met. You are an amazing mother and ex for even considering it. 

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