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#211 of 236 Old 11-20-2013, 06:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Two days until I find out... I can't believe how nervous this is making me! I literally have dreamt about this nonstop all week. Last night, I had a dream that I overslept and missed the court hearing, another one that I found out the results in the newspaper, and yet another dream that my car broke down and I was taking a boat to the courthouse. This has really infiltrated my mind.

 

I'm glad to see that NY is apparently father friendly, but a few of the legal advice sites I've been browsing suggest otherwise. In any event I'm sure it is a case by case thing to some extent.

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#212 of 236 Old 11-20-2013, 10:37 AM
 
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I don't know how you are doing it OP.. I came across your thread less than a week ago and the suspense is killing me..  Either way, you're going to make one fantastic dad. If not now.. then at some point in the future. So stay positive no matter what happens. Your heart is in the right place and you are a winner no matter what the outcome. The way I look at it is, if the baby ends up being yours, then congratulations you are a dad!! :)) If the baby ends up NOT being yours then congratulations, you don't need to put up with this horrid lady any more!!! :)) So go in with your head held high because you are coming out a winner either way!!


"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
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#213 of 236 Old 11-20-2013, 10:56 AM
 
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I actually thought about you today and told DP you'll be finding out soon! You have every right to be very anxious about this... I wish I had any thing smart to say. Best of luck!


Mama to my little Lily luxlove.gif (09/2010), and a sweet baby boy joy.gif (12/2012)

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#214 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 12:53 PM
 
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Thinking of you and sending good thoughts!

Queer parent on the adventure of a lifetime raising my sweet little guy, born at home in September 2012, with the love of my life by my side!
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#215 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 03:45 PM
 
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Can't wait to hear how it all turns out! Thinking of you.


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Expecting #2 in late June!

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#216 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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After a solid 20 minutes of sleep last night, I made the long drive down to family court. She was already there, sitting with her boyfriend. I went up and shook his hand despite him scowling at me... but whatever. So after literally sitting for an hour and a half, just waiting, we finally got called into the room. In we went, and the judge gave us each a packet with the results...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am NOT the father. 0% probability according to the test. I was stunned, absolutely speechless. They handed me the bill to pay $135 for the paternity test and I barely even mouthed an "okay". Baby Mom proceeded to leave faster than I thought humanly possible and get the heck out of there immediately while I just kind of stood there. "I don't know whether to congratulate you or tell you I'm sorry," said the judge as he motioned for me to leave.

 

In hindsight, it makes some sense now. When she found out she was pregnant, she had nobody and I was probably the best available guy from the pool of people she slept with that month. She probably figured if she told me that the baby might not be mine, I wouldn't be as supportive. So she lied and promised me I was the only one she was with that month. I guess I was incredibly naive for falling for it.

 

She kept it up for a while, and my entire family got on board. My mom was excited to be a grandmother. Her iPad is filled with pictures of the baby from the internet.

 

But this explains why she found it so easy to dispose of me when she met her current boyfriend. And then she didn't want to admit to sleeping around so much so she tried just putting her head in the sand for as long as possible. It makes sense now, but still.

 

That's a year of agony, shame, fear, guilt, rage, and everything else that went into this... all gone now. My life just completely returns to normal. I'm certainly a very lucky man. There is a hint of disappointment, but I know that I dodged a real bullet here too.

 

As much as I dreamed of being able to really stick it to her and tell her how I felt about how I've been treated... I don't think I will. I think I will just end it and bury her in my memories, never to deal with her or communicate again.

 

Finally, I want to thank every single one of you who posted in this thread SO much. You've all been a source of hope and inspiration during this trying time in my life. You seem like wonderful people and I wish I knew you all personally so I could give you the thanks that you deserve~

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#217 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 04:28 PM
 
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OP, I am so glad you finally have your answer now and that you seem to be handling it ok. It's a shock either way, but at least this way you don't have to deal with her and her family for the rest of your life. However I also realize you probably will have a bit of grieving to do too (and that's ok, you should allow yourself this if you need it).

You sound like a great guy who will one day make an amazing father and hopefully someone an amazing husband. Good luck in your endeavors moving forward and hopefully when the time does come you will come back to Monthering for support in other ways!
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#218 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 04:29 PM
 
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I'm glad that it's over now. Definitely find support- you had a whirlwind of emotions this last year and you may need help getting back to normal. You mentioned this was already effecting your relationships- I imagine it still will. I hope things go well from now on!


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#219 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 04:29 PM
 
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Wow... I don't even know what to say. "She's a real censored.gif" comes to mind. Best wishes as you resume your "normal" life. I think it would be very normal to grieve for a while, for the life you thought you were going to have. *hugs*. 

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#220 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 05:49 PM
 
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I don't know whether to congratulate you or say I'm sorry either. But I can agree you dodged a bullet having to coparent with her. Be kind to yourself, as you move forward from the roller coaster. I hope you're able to find the silver lining in all this someday.

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#221 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 06:25 PM
 
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I know a guy who had joint custody with his daughter for 3 years before he was told he wasn't the father. DNA test confirmed it.

It's better to know up front, you did the right thing. Grieve what you've lost, but breathe.


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#222 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 06:39 PM
 
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Oh my mm what did he do? How devastating!

I agree it is so great you found out now. I though chances were that you were the father given her certainty on it at the start. Lucky you don't have to parent with her. You will make a great dad one day.
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#223 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 06:48 PM
 
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I am unbelievably thankful that you do not have to deal more with this manipulative woman. That being said, as someone who has had several losses, I think it makes total sense for you to be grieving a future you had envisioned with this baby. I hope that someday you get to be a dad with somebody who loves and supports you, cause your heart is already in the right place. Thanks for sharing your news with us. Hugs!

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#224 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 06:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Springshowers View Post

Oh my mm what did he do? How devastating!
 

He moved across the country and started over, he was devestated to say the least..he was an ap daddy.


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#225 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 07:15 PM
 
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hug2.gif

Congratulations on getting the results and not having to deal with this crazy woman any more.

I am so sorry for everything you have been through, and for the loss of everything that might have been. I completely agree with those who have said to let yourself grieve. Take as long as you need, and lean on the support of those who love you.

Michelle, wife to DH, and momma to DD16, DS15, DS12, DS10, DD9, DD7, DS5, and baby girl born Christmas Eve 2013!
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#226 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 09:10 PM
 
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woooah I did NOT see that coming!!  however, I think you have dodged a major major bullet and honestly, as horrible as baby mama has been, she has saved you the agony of having to walk away from a close relationship with your (perceived) daughter.  she did you a big favor by keeping you at such a distance and I am thrilled for you that you get to start over and have a baby one day in a very different circumstance.  you will make an amazing father.  you have handled this all with such grace and I want to affirm you for what an awesome job you've done.  I don't know if I could be as big as you and just walk away without saying a few words lol.

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#227 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 09:40 PM
 
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Wow. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. I'd she had been honest and open in her communication with you from the very beginning this all could have gone very differently. It irritates me that she will most likely not learn from this experience and gets to just go on with her dishonest and manipulative ways. I imagine you will go through a roller coaster of emotions. I agree with everyone that ultimately its a blessing that you don't have to co parent with her., you seen to be such an understanding, rational and compassionate person and you have done the right thing through all of this. Someday you will be an awesome parent if and when you choose! Be gentle with yourself as you ease out of the turmoil and drama of the past year.

Queer parent on the adventure of a lifetime raising my sweet little guy, born at home in September 2012, with the love of my life by my side!
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#228 of 236 Old 11-22-2013, 11:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You know, I really didn't think I would be too upset about this at all. I mean, this is essentially a get-out-of-jail free card for me. But as I started to go through and delete all of the pictures I had in my phone of the baby, I actually found myself thinking "Oh this one is too cute, I can't delete that." And then I ended up with like 10 leftover pictures, and it kind of started to hit me. I took a little bit of pride in creating that little girl, and I was a little excited to be able to show her off to the world and watch her grow. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely know that this is for the best and I should be thanking my lucky stars, but there still is a little void in my heart for now. My friends were egging me on to come out and get drunk tonight, assuming I would want to just let loose, but instead I spent the night looking through these pictures and going through all my texts with baby mom.

 

What a journey that was... I scrolled alllllll the way back up to the day she told me she was pregnant. The way she talked to me then compared to now is just night and day. I also found a few gems from her. This one was from the day she told me she was pregnant:

 

"You're being very mature about this, and I'm glad. I am positive you are the father, and I'm lucky for that"

 

and this from about a month later after I met her mom:

 

me: "Thanks for introducing me to your mother, she seems like a very nice woman. She understands where I'm coming from too I think. And Sorry if I was stressing you out by worrying that I might not be the father the other day. It was just in the back of my mind but it's really not fair to bring it up to you like that.
 

her: "Look, it's yours. I haven't had sex from anyone else in that time period. I'm not lying, I'm not covering anything up. I am being totally straightforward."

 

Man, reading that just gives me chills. It is so convincing it almost had me worried that the paternity test was inaccurate. I quickly came back to my senses though, but still!

 

The temptation to send her a screenshot of those texts along with a screenshot of the "There is a 0% chance that alleged father is the father of this child" notarized paper is very very strong right now.

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#229 of 236 Old 11-23-2013, 07:06 AM
 
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I think sadness and grief is totally normal in this situation. Give yourself space and time, honey. What she did was pretty awful, to be honest. I wouldn't exactly blame you for saying something to her, but I wouldn't encourage it either. Best to just go forth with your life. This is a pretty traumatic deal to go through, if you ask me.
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#230 of 236 Old 11-23-2013, 08:20 AM
 
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Sadness and anger are totally normal and expected in a situation like this. You were right in not going out with your buddies drinking. Bad feelings and alcohol are a bad mix. Hopefully you have some people IRL that can hold you up and be your shoulder to cry on.

That being said you will have other ok feelings to. Relief, happiness and acceptance/contentment will come sooner than later. You just have to let the anger out.

I agree with not contacting *her* and just moving on. Delete her number out of your phone. If you want to keep a couple pictures of the baby, print them off at a one hour printer and then tuck them in the envelope with the paternity results and put it somewhere safe but not in sight and then clear the pictures from your phone.

Your world has been rocked and changed. You are a different person, life experiences changes us especially the hard and complicated ones. Take the time to grieve and then take the time to slowly find you again and do things that make you happy. When you are done grieving that is the time you can allow yourself to celebrate you for a little bit smile.gif
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#231 of 236 Old 11-23-2013, 12:33 PM
 
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Wow. What a revelation! Your explanation of how her behavior explains this now makes sense, but I was pretty surprised.

I hope you take good care and allow yourself to grieve, so you can move on and be an amazing father to another lucky child or children someday. Good luck, OP. Thanks for bringing us all into your circle of trust to share your journey. Hope to see you back at Mothering again someday.

Mary, proud to be a mama to Andrew (9/14/10) and Caroline (7/27/13) and wife to Matt.
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#232 of 236 Old 11-23-2013, 12:57 PM
 
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Look at it this way....

 

You've passed the 'great father' test with flying colours - and now know what you have in you for potential future fatherhood, should you choose, and when you choose. Hurrah!

 

You've also aced the 'top human being' test too - for going above and beyond what a lot of young people would do in similar circumstances, and for committing to not just seeking the truth, but also to the potential care and custody of a whole other human being. Bravo you.

 

As everyone has been saying - grieve - and try and incorporate this into yourself and let it make you stronger and wiser - enjoy your (for now) unencumbered youth!

 

Wish you all the best.

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#233 of 236 Old 11-23-2013, 03:31 PM
 
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I'm so sorry!  It seems normal to grieve this loss.  Take care of yourself. 




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#234 of 236 Old 11-24-2013, 06:37 AM
 
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oh wow, you have been through one hell of an emotional roller coaster. :Hug 

I really hope you allow yourself to grieve the loss of a potential daughter (even though it is dodging a bullet) and to be angry at how this woman mistreated you - and that's an understatement. 

 

Quote:
 You've also aced the 'top human being' test too - for going above and beyond what a lot of young people would do in similar circumstances, and for committing to not just seeking the truth, but also to the potential care and custody of a whole other human being.

 

:yeah.

 

Is there anyway for you to get free counseling at the university you attend? What you went through is huge and as someone above said, I hope you have people IRL who will help you deal with it.


Mama to my little Lily luxlove.gif (09/2010), and a sweet baby boy joy.gif (12/2012)

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#235 of 236 Old 11-26-2013, 04:06 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing your journey.  Best wishes for your future!  

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#236 of 236 Old 11-28-2013, 03:58 AM
 
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I signed up for an account to private message you but I guess I have to make ten posts before the site will let me PM so I'll just write it here.

I came across this thread by accident; it appeared in a google search. When I first started reading weeks ago I jumped to the end of the thread and was surprised that there wasn't an end and it was "live". I book marked the page and followed along.

I was intrigued because this thread was unique and was impressed at your dedication. I can't speak for all women but I know that I'm not alone in saying that I am jealous. I'm married with two young kids but I did not get nearly the support that you have offered to a women that is now clearly undeserving of it.

I am happy that you're out of a potentially long battle with custody but also saddened for your loss as you fought a long battle and lost something you thought may have been yours. I'm sure you have learned much, it helped you mature and has made you a stronger person.

Not only will you be an amazing dad, but also an amazing husband. The woman that gets to keep you is very lucky.
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