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#1 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 04:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone. I realize that this is a forum aimed at helping women out during pregnancy but there's such a lack of help resources out there for fathers-to-be, I am hoping you can all offer me some help.

 

I'm a 23 year old male, and in November I had what you might call a one-night stand with a 22 yr old girl . I didn't use protection (she said she was on birth control). Honestly, I didn't expect to see that girl ever again, and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way. We live an hour apart and both saw it as just a one night thing. As you can probably guess, I got a text from her about a month later informing me she was pregnant.

 

Obviously this was absolutely devastating. I felt overwhelming fear, shame, regret, and anger. My first reaction was, "How do I get out of this?" I asked her about having an abortion and she firmly told me that was out of the question. She said she wouldn't come after me and I didn't have to be involved if I didn't want to. Of course I didn't -want- to, I'm a selfish college student working a part time job. But it only took a couple hours for me to come to my senses and realize that both of my parents were there for me, so I had to be there for my child too. Also, this girl was probably feeling a lot of fear herself and I needed to be there for her.

 

I slowly started to tell my friends and family about it, and their obvious reaction was "make sure it's yours". I know I need to get a paternity test, but I also feel deep down that it has to be mine. I didn't use any restraint when we had sex, and the dates match up pretty much perfectly for her due date and ovulation cycle and everything. She also told me I was her only sexual partner that month. Even if she lied about that, there's still a very good chance it's my baby.

 

So I decided I would do whatever I could to help her and we could try to co-parent and make things work. I have no romantic interest in her, and I felt trying to force a relationship would only end with both of us being hurt. It was much better to be civil friends right from the start to try and develop a consistent routine.

 

I went to her doctors appointments with her, making the hour drive out to her town whenever I needed to. I met her mother and had a face to face chat with her about everything. I actually have worked at a daycare and currently work at a baby retailer so I know I can take care of a baby without any problems. Everything was going fairly smoothly, she even said she wanted the baby to have my last name.

 

Fast forward to March, and we went to find out the gender. Turns out it's a girl. I was very excited to tell my loved ones, but everything changed after that day. She randomly stopped responding to me for a week and then sent me a short text saying that she was sorry but she's just dealing with stress/anxiety/whatever.

 

Then she told me that she currently started dating someone who makes her very happy. This was fine with me as, like I said, I had no interest in being with her in a relationship. She told me that her new boyfriend wasn't going to interfere with my relationship with the baby, but her actions started to tell otherwise. Her responses to me have been brief and infrequent ever since. We had plans to meet one day and she blew me off to spend time with her boyfriend.

 

Eventually, I decided to just give her some space so I stopped texting her all the time. I don't know why some guy would want to enter into a serious relationship with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby, but this individual seems all for it. I haven't seen her since Early March and havent talked to her in about a month.

 

Today I noticed on her Facebook page, her boyfriend's mother posted something saying that she was excited about the baby.

I've been dealing with this the best I can, but this kind of set me off. I thought I was doing everything right. Being supportive, helping financially, being there for her. Most guys in my situation would have said "screw you!" and vanished when they found out she was pregnant. I have tried to have integrity from the start and own up to my mistake and now I'm being phased out.

 

I know I need to talk to her, but I don't know how to do it. She may just dismiss me with a "I'm too stressed to deal with this right now" line and leave it at that. I know I can't be mean to her but it's so hard to be going through this. Her and her family are so excited about this baby. They're buying clothes, picked out a name, setting up a nursery, etc. I don't even know when/if I'll be able to see my child and it seems like she's lining up another guy to play the father role.

 

So, I come to you to try and ask for help. What should I do? How can I try talking to her? Why in the world is she putting me through this, knowing I was there for her and talked to her every single day in the early stages of her pregnancy?

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#2 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 04:09 PM
 
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Theres not much you can do. You can try talking to her but if her new he signs the birth certificate legal action will pretty much be your only choice.
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#3 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 05:45 PM
 
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I'm glad you want to be there for your baby and are reaching out for help! I think that for now you can tell her openly, honestly and without judgment how you feel, that you are committed to co parenting no matter what her relationship status is. You may have to make room for this other fellow to be part of the family. Let her know that you are willing to do thatand that you are committed to being the dad. It sounds like a hard situation. May you all get the support you need to do what's best for the baby! Best of luck to you.
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#4 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 05:49 PM
 
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I wish I had some advice, but I don't. I just wantes to tell you I think it's wonderful that you are trying to do the right thing. It's sad to me the she isn't making,the same choice, you deserve to be in your daughters life,without the fight. I would talk to a lawyer and get the process started, maybe it'll let her,know you are serious and she'll start including you again. Good luck!


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#5 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 06:02 PM
 
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The woman lied about birth control and a few other things. Gmm. get a DNA test when the child is born before you proceed any further . If the baby is yours, get an attoreny and get support/custody agreement with the court.

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#6 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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Her new man may well sign the birth certificate but if you believe the child is yours and if you want to parent your child, you can file with the court to force a paternity test.  Once your paternity is established, the BC will be changed and you can file for joint custody and visitation.  You will also probably have to pay child support. 

 

I think it's awesome that you want to be involved.  Please don't let her say anything to dissuade you from that plan of action, unless of course the child turns out to be fathered by someone else.  One thing I would say, based on my BTDT...if the baby is yours, and if the mama decides to breastfeed, please do all you can to avoid separating the baby from it's mom for long period of time until after weaning has taken place.  That may well be measured in years rather than months, but if you poke around a bit online you will find how important the bond is between a mother and baby and you will find that it is possible to involved with your child without breaking that bond.  My ex and I worked around breastfeeding so that my son never needed to use a bottle (I stayed home for the first couple of years), but by age one he could take him for a half day, by 2 for the whole day, and by 3 for overnights (we nursed past the 3rd bday).  May not be a priority for everyone but it's just a thought.

 

Best wishes!

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#7 of 236 Old 05-20-2013, 10:24 PM
 
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Good on you for stepping up and trying to be supportive and involved. Whether she comes around on her own to invite you back into the picture or not, it's unlikely that you'll be spending "family time" together with the three of you (or four or five, if you include our respective partners at any given time) for the remainder of her childhood, so I think it's a good idea to get a formal custody arrangement in place to make sure you get time with your daughter (taking breastfeeding into consideration, of course) rather than leave it up to her whims. And I have to think it would be better to get that established right up front and set an amicable and healthy routine rather than introduce drama later on.

She may be put on the back foot if you start talking about lawyers and custody arrangements with her, and her protective mama instincts will be incredibly strong, so please be gentle in approaching this conversation and assure her that you aren't trying to take her daughter away, but just want to get the uncertainty out of the way and make sure you can be a part of your daughter's life.

Also, perhaps you could offer to join her and her BF at the next doctor visit, and have lunch beforehand to get to know him and convince him you are no threat? There's the old wedding invite etiquette that says you don't invite past partners, but this isn't *their* wedding, it's *your* baby, so my logic tells me this other guy needs to get comfortable with you being in the picture, and you can help put him at ease.

I wish you all the best, as this is a complicated and emotional situation for sure, but just keep reminding yourself that you're trying to do the right thing and hold onto that honor and integrity in the tough moments.
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#8 of 236 Old 05-21-2013, 06:23 AM
 
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I second the advice above and just want to offer support for how difficult this situation is for you.  Our culture places a lot of emphasis on mothers (and rightly so, in most cases), but fathers are often left with an unclear role.  I would try to understand first, that this woman is likely going through an incredible amount of massive emotional upheaval.  My husband and I planned for and actively tried for our daughter and I was still extremely ambivalent and emotional in the first trimester.  Now that she's further along, she's probably dealing with her own issues of guilt, stress, anxiety, and concern about where this new relationship is headed. 

 

One thing you might consider is to reestablish contact and tell her that you want to be involved in your daughter's life and that you don't want your daughter to struggle growing up with feeling like her father abandoned her.  If this new guy sticks around, your daughter will be even luckier to have two excellent men to help raise her.  That's a good thing.  You could also reach out to her mother or father if you keep hitting a brick wall.  Make it clear you want to do the right thing and that you're not simply trying to be disruptive.

 

If you can establish cordial contact, I think it might make sense to see if you can meet with both the woman and her new boyfriend for lunch or something for just a basic meet and greet.  You have the right to meet the man who may be playing a large role in your daughter's life and you guys could talk in general terms about how visitation and things are going to work.  If things go sour, obviously the courts are the only real option, but you sound like you don't have the money for a custody battle and it would be draining on everyone.  Working with her family (assuming they are good people) may be a good way to help you determine the kind of course you'll have to take when the baby is born. 

 

Good luck!  You're absolutely doing the right thing here.  When it gets frustrating or difficult, just think how important it will be for your daughter when she is 7 or 10 or 15 to look back and realize how very much she was loved.  It's easy to fade away, but keep your eye on what's important (as it sounds like you are). 


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#9 of 236 Old 05-21-2013, 11:10 AM
 
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I think you should try giving her some space, but not so much that you stop trying to be involved. I can't imagine what I would be going through if this was me, and I was single and pregnant, even with a supportive guy!  

 

I think the soonest you can get a paternity test is after the baby's birth (at least without risky procedures), so get your legal ducks in a row before then if you want to stay involved. You have legal rights as a biological father, and you should know about them. 

 

However, I also urge you to look into newborn and infant attachment and health. It might be hard, but I think it's true that for the first 6 months or so, your baby is best in a single, stable home. You should be allowed to visit though, or to arrange meetings in pre-arranged places for family outings when baby is older. I am not one to say when splitting custody 50/50 or whatever begins to make sense, developmentally speaking, so look into that! 


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#10 of 236 Old 05-21-2013, 11:15 AM
 
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Of course you can have a baby overnight or even for couple of days after a few months. Mom can pump and you can have pumped milk and feed combo pumped milk and solids after 6 months. You do not have to wait years. Moms who travel for work do it all the time. Strong bond with dead worth  a few hours of mom's pumping. It is assuming she will breastfeed. 

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#11 of 236 Old 05-21-2013, 04:47 PM
 
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Of course you can have a baby overnight or even for couple of days after a few months. Mom can pump and you can have pumped milk and feed combo pumped milk and solids after 6 months. You do not have to wait years. Moms who travel for work do it all the time. Strong bond with dead worth  a few hours of mom's pumping. It is assuming she will breastfeed. 

 

 

I know after a few months is way to early for me as a mother do do over nights. Maintaining a supply and pumping are difficult. Considering 70% of women do not breastfeed and how many quint after a few weeks I am pretty sure its not a big concern of his.

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#12 of 236 Old 05-25-2013, 10:03 PM
 
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The woman lied about birth control and a few other things. Gmm. get a DNA test when the child is born before you proceed any further . If the baby is yours, get an attoreny and get support/custody agreement with the court.

 

 

This comment sums up your only option if she chooses to ignore you and prevent you from being involved.  

 

If your daughter grows up without you she will always wonder who you are.  You seem like a caring young man.  Don't give up, stay strong, be resolved.  Fight for your right to be your daughters daddy.

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#13 of 236 Old 05-26-2013, 01:26 PM
 
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I agree with alenushka and ronart. Confirm the baby is yours, and then there are avenues for you to be involved, and it is good that you want to be. Even if things work out with the baby's mother and the new boyfriend and he assumes a paternal role as well, having more loving parents for a child is never bad. 

 

Another thing... try to cut the girl some slack if you can. It does sound like she has done some dumb, drama-riffic things, but she is 22 and still figuring life out, particularly with the curve ball she just got thrown. She's trying to navigate being pregnant and the implications of becoming a parent, dealing with how best to relate to you, along with dating a new guy who she's really into (by the way, there are lots of men out there who have entered serious relationships with pregnant women, it's not that unusual or weird). It's probably hard for her to balance all these different factors. You may be doing everything right (aside from not wearing a condom with a one-night-stand, but that ship has sailed). But that doesn't mean her actions are about you or a criticism of you, so try not to take any of it personally. I hear a lot of "I am trying so hard to be a Good Guy" in your post, which, sure, on the one hand, your post is your own point of view and that is understandable, but on the other hand, if you put yourself in her shoes, some of her actions might make a little more sense to you. 

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#14 of 236 Old 06-03-2013, 04:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to everyone for the great replies. I figured I would give a little update to let you know how it's going.

 

I decided to contact her last week to try and keep in touch and use some of the suggestions you guys have givem me. Unfortunately she was again very brief with me and stopped responding as soon as I suggested we talk in person about things. Since then, she hasn't responded to any of my texts. It's a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't situation because by not talking to her she can say that I wasn't there for her, but by trying to contact her it's just annoying her and making her less likely to talk to me.

 

The biggest mistake I made was assuming that we were in it together from the start. I got on board with everything and had this notion that we were going to share in a lot of the decisions such as naming the baby, doing the baby registry, etc. And then when she got her boyfriend, things changed almost overnight and I realized I have no ground to stand on anymore. It's likely that I won't get the chance to witness my first child being born and have to go through a grueling process to even be able to see her.

 

I looked into some family law places around my area and contacted lawyers for a consultation but haven't heard back so far. I'm probably not the big-money client that they are hoping to attract, anyways.

 

A last-ditch effort I could employ is going to her mom and trying to talk to her. The mom seemed to like me when we met and she might not know my side of the story. For all I know, she could be under the impression that I just disappeared and stopped caring. However, this could really backfire if she chooses not to respond to me and instead alert her daughter that I'm trying to contact her. This would just create hostility. So I'm really scared to take that step although I'm getting to the point where I may have to.

 

I know I need to look at things through her perspective, but it's just getting to be so draining. I can't sleep at night because the thoughts of regret, fury, helplessness, and anxiety creep into my mind and make me sick to my stomach. In the meantime she's posting new pictures of her and her boyfriend on Facebook daily and making comments about how happy she is. Obviously my body isn't changing the way hers is but I would wholeheartedly take that if it meant I had the security of knowing I could be in my baby's life.

 

But anyways, thanks to everyone here for being some sort of a sounding board for me. As you can imagine, there's not much literature out there on what guys should do in my situation because usually these things are seen through the struggle of the mother.

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#15 of 236 Old 06-03-2013, 08:14 PM
 
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So did you send her a message saying you wanted to meet up to talk, or did you send her a message containing information about your thoughts about the issue? If you said you wanted to talk but didn't say what about, she might be fearing a big drama-riffic Thing. 

 

I'm kind of torn on whether talking to her mom seems like it would be a good thing. If you already have open lines of communication with her mom, it might be, but otherwise it might just be weird. The other thing I thought of is that it might not be a bad idea to send her boyfriend a message to say that you definitely want to be involved with the baby but you totally aren't interested in her that way, and you're glad that they're together and seem so happy, and you are interested in meeting up with her and him some time. If he's the jealous type that might be part of what is getting in the way of your communication with her. I'm not sure messaging him is necessarily a good idea though. I'm kind of torn on that too. 

 

The other thing that comes to mind is maybe she has either realized that you're not as likely to be the father as she thought (say she was wrong about her dates), or she lied before, knows you aren't the father, and now feels bad about it, and is trying to freeze you out in hopes you'll fade away and she won't have to tell you. Obviously I'm just talking out of my butt here and this isn't necessarily true, but it seems potentially possible. 


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#16 of 236 Old 06-03-2013, 08:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So did you send her a message saying you wanted to meet up to talk, or did you send her a message containing information about your thoughts about the issue? If you said you wanted to talk but didn't say what about, she might be fearing a big drama-riffic Thing. 

 

I'm kind of torn on whether talking to her mom seems like it would be a good thing. If you already have open lines of communication with her mom, it might be, but otherwise it might just be weird. The other thing I thought of is that it might not be a bad idea to send her boyfriend a message to say that you definitely want to be involved with the baby but you totally aren't interested in her that way, and you're glad that they're together and seem so happy, and you are interested in meeting up with her and him some time. If he's the jealous type that might be part of what is getting in the way of your communication with her. I'm not sure messaging him is necessarily a good idea though. I'm kind of torn on that too. 

 

The other thing that comes to mind is maybe she has either realized that you're not as likely to be the father as she thought (say she was wrong about her dates), or she lied before, knows you aren't the father, and now feels bad about it, and is trying to freeze you out in hopes you'll fade away and she won't have to tell you. Obviously I'm just talking out of my butt here and this isn't necessarily true, but it seems potentially possible. 

 

Her and I talked back and forth for a bit, in which I reassured her that I would always be there to help her if she needed anything and whatnot. I have never been stern or angry towards her despite how boiled up this is making me inside, because I want to avoid conflict at almost any cost and stay on her good side. Unfortunately I think she's walking all over me because of it.

 

I've only met her mom once and that was back in early February, but we did get along quite well. As far as contacting her boyfriend, that just seems like a bad idea for me because I think it could incite some hard feelings no matter what the content of the message itself is.

 

And as far as the "maybe it isn't mine" point, I know that's a valid concern but all signs point to it being mine. I went with her to all of her initial doctor's visits from January through early March so I saw all of the information. I had sex with her right when she would have been ovulating and she says I was the only guy she slept with that month. So even if she was lying to me about sleeping with other guys, she can't know for a fact that it isn't mine.

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#17 of 236 Old 06-03-2013, 08:56 PM
 
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Okay. Do you really think she is trying to push you around/out of the picture, or is she maybe just kind of flaky and/or focused on other things and/or likes you okay but doesn't want to spend a ton of time around you? Bear in mind she probably liked having your moral support at those early appointments, but now that she has her boyfriend, she doesn't need that support from you--for herself. The baby isn't even born yet. And the baby is the one you really want a relationship with and the one she perhaps wants you to have a relationship with too. She may want space from you but not intend to keep you out of the baby's life. If she is keeping minimal contact with you and answers your texts occasionally then I wouldn't assume she is trying to freeze you out. 

 

I'm just imagining her picking up her phone and being like "Oh, man, vanek26 is texting me again. I get that he wants to be involved, and I want that too, I just don't want to talk to him all the time! Can't I just text him when I go into labor and then when I get home from the hospital set up a time for him to come by, and go from there?"

 

The prenatal period, psychologically, really isn't about the baby. She is entitled to do what makes her comfortable, because she's the one doing the tough stuff. (Also, you should probably get used to the idea that she won't want you at the birth. Because I doubt she will. I know it sucks to miss the birth of your child, but going through labor and birth is a huge deal and most women aren't going to want to share it with someone who they don't feel all that emotionally close to.) And there really is a pretty limited amount of bonding you can do with the baby right now anyway. You'll have a much better chance once she is born. winky.gif I know it's hard to not be involved now, but it doesn't mean you won't get to do more in the future. And if she consistently tries to keep you out then, that's when you pursue the legal avenues. 


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#18 of 236 Old 06-03-2013, 09:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay. Do you really think she is trying to push you around/out of the picture, or is she maybe just kind of flaky and/or focused on other things and/or likes you okay but doesn't want to spend a ton of time around you? Bear in mind she probably liked having your moral support at those early appointments, but now that she has her boyfriend, she doesn't need that support from you--for herself. The baby isn't even born yet. And the baby is the one you really want a relationship with and the one she perhaps wants you to have a relationship with too. She may want space from you but not intend to keep you out of the baby's life. If she is keeping minimal contact with you and answers your texts occasionally then I wouldn't assume she is trying to freeze you out. 

 

I'm just imagining her picking up her phone and being like "Oh, man, vanek26 is texting me again. I get that he wants to be involved, and I want that too, I just don't want to talk to him all the time! Can't I just text him when I go into labor and then when I get home from the hospital set up a time for him to come by, and go from there?"

 

The prenatal period, psychologically, really isn't about the baby. She is entitled to do what makes her comfortable, because she's the one doing the tough stuff. (Also, you should probably get used to the idea that she won't want you at the birth. Because I doubt she will. I know it sucks to miss the birth of your child, but going through labor and birth is a huge deal and most women aren't going to want to share it with someone who they don't feel all that emotionally close to.) And there really is a pretty limited amount of bonding you can do with the baby right now anyway. You'll have a much better chance once she is born. winky.gif I know it's hard to not be involved now, but it doesn't mean you won't get to do more in the future. And if she consistently tries to keep you out then, that's when you pursue the legal avenues. 

 

I think you really hit the nail right on the head with most of your points.

 

The last thing I want to do though is wait until the baby is born and then go from there, because then I'm no different than all those other bum dads out there. The ones who knock a girl up, run away when they find out what happened, and then magically reappear when the baby is born because they decide they want to have fun-fathering time. I thought by being caring and involved from day one, even though I truthfully don't think highly of this girl at all, it would grant me some good faith in the long run.

 

I take it seriously. I know everything there is to know about car seats and strollers. I've worked at a daycare for many years and know how to take care of a newborn. I made the hour + drive to her house many times and at the drop of a dime would have came to her if she asked (and I still would). I took extra credits at school this semester so I could graduate earlier since I know I'll need to get my career on track sooner than I thought. I fear this is divulging into a sob story so I'll stop there, but you get the point. :p

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#19 of 236 Old 06-04-2013, 03:32 AM
 
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The last thing I want to do though is wait until the baby is born and then go from there, because then I'm no different than all those other bum dads out there. The ones who knock a girl up, run away when they find out what happened, and then magically reappear when the baby is born because they decide they want to have fun-fathering time. I thought by being caring and involved from day one, even though I truthfully don't think highly of this girl at all, it would grant me some good faith in the long run.

 

It's certainly a good thought to want to avoid falling into this trap. But consider: the problem with those "bum dads" isn't specifically that they aren't present during pregnancy, it's that they aren't present during pregnancy when the mother wants them to be. Father-to-be is not a one-size-fits-all role. The important thing to do is not to match up to someone else's standards of how to act, but to match up to her standards, and if she wants a little more space from you, then giving her more space wouldn't make you a bum, it would make you somebody who is listening to her. It's like if you have an idea in your head that to be a "good boyfriend" you should give your girlfriend lots of back rubs, and other girls you have dated have enjoyed this, but then you start dating a new girl who doesn't like back rubs. It would be dumb to insist on giving them anyway because that's what makes a good boyfriend; much better to be a good boyfriend to that specific person by acting according to her preferences. 


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#20 of 236 Old 06-04-2013, 11:11 AM
 
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Hey everyone. I realize that this is a forum aimed at helping women out during pregnancy but there's such a lack of help resources out there for fathers-to-be, I am hoping you can all offer me some help.

 

I'm a 23 year old male, and in November I had what you might call a one-night stand with a 22 yr old girl . I didn't use protection (she said she was on birth control). Honestly, I didn't expect to see that girl ever again, and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way. We live an hour apart and both saw it as just a one night thing. As you can probably guess, I got a text from her about a month later informing me she was pregnant.

 

Obviously this was absolutely devastating. I felt overwhelming fear, shame, regret, and anger. My first reaction was, "How do I get out of this?" I asked her about having an abortion and she firmly told me that was out of the question. She said she wouldn't come after me and I didn't have to be involved if I didn't want to. Of course I didn't -want- to, I'm a selfish college student working a part time job. But it only took a couple hours for me to come to my senses and realize that both of my parents were there for me, so I had to be there for my child too. Also, this girl was probably feeling a lot of fear herself and I needed to be there for her.

 

I slowly started to tell my friends and family about it, and their obvious reaction was "make sure it's yours". I know I need to get a paternity test, but I also feel deep down that it has to be mine. I didn't use any restraint when we had sex, and the dates match up pretty much perfectly for her due date and ovulation cycle and everything. She also told me I was her only sexual partner that month. Even if she lied about that, there's still a very good chance it's my baby.

 

So I decided I would do whatever I could to help her and we could try to co-parent and make things work. I have no romantic interest in her, and I felt trying to force a relationship would only end with both of us being hurt. It was much better to be civil friends right from the start to try and develop a consistent routine.

 

I went to her doctors appointments with her, making the hour drive out to her town whenever I needed to. I met her mother and had a face to face chat with her about everything. I actually have worked at a daycare and currently work at a baby retailer so I know I can take care of a baby without any problems. Everything was going fairly smoothly, she even said she wanted the baby to have my last name.

 

Fast forward to March, and we went to find out the gender. Turns out it's a girl. I was very excited to tell my loved ones, but everything changed after that day. She randomly stopped responding to me for a week and then sent me a short text saying that she was sorry but she's just dealing with stress/anxiety/whatever.

 

Then she told me that she currently started dating someone who makes her very happy. This was fine with me as, like I said, I had no interest in being with her in a relationship. She told me that her new boyfriend wasn't going to interfere with my relationship with the baby, but her actions started to tell otherwise. Her responses to me have been brief and infrequent ever since. We had plans to meet one day and she blew me off to spend time with her boyfriend.

 

Eventually, I decided to just give her some space so I stopped texting her all the time. I don't know why some guy would want to enter into a serious relationship with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby, but this individual seems all for it. I haven't seen her since Early March and havent talked to her in about a month.

 

Today I noticed on her Facebook page, her boyfriend's mother posted something saying that she was excited about the baby.

I've been dealing with this the best I can, but this kind of set me off. I thought I was doing everything right. Being supportive, helping financially, being there for her. Most guys in my situation would have said "screw you!" and vanished when they found out she was pregnant. I have tried to have integrity from the start and own up to my mistake and now I'm being phased out.

 

I know I need to talk to her, but I don't know how to do it. She may just dismiss me with a "I'm too stressed to deal with this right now" line and leave it at that. I know I can't be mean to her but it's so hard to be going through this. Her and her family are so excited about this baby. They're buying clothes, picked out a name, setting up a nursery, etc. I don't even know when/if I'll be able to see my child and it seems like she's lining up another guy to play the father role.

 

So, I come to you to try and ask for help. What should I do? How can I try talking to her? Why in the world is she putting me through this, knowing I was there for her and talked to her every single day in the early stages of her pregnancy?


I would begin keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings towards your daughter. Tell her about when you found out, and every thing from your side. Keep that journal through the years and update it. Whether you get to be a part of this child's life or not - some day she will want to know her bio-dad. A journal of your thoughts and feelings would be good proof that she was always loved.

I know that when my mom played head games and kept us from my father - the little things he had done in our absence that were most definitely done for us - meant the absolute most.

 

I don't have advice other than that. I think the ladies here have given you some good thoughts.

 

Doing the right thing is always *right* - no matter what the immediate consequences. It may take years, but it will all wash out. Don't let any one else convince you other wise! grouphug.gif

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#21 of 236 Old 06-04-2013, 11:31 PM
 
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I don't know if this is helpful or not- but I was horrible at keeping contact with anyone while pregnant. I was so stressed and had so many things going on. I spent 4 or 5 months where every single week I'd say "Dammit, I meant to email my grandfather" before I actually did, I'd take weeks to call my mom. All my energy was focused on school (if she's working, it's probably focused on being able to keep up with her job in a similar way), prenatal appointments, and things that absolutely HAD to be done before the baby was born. I know it sucks, but, unfortunately, seeing the guy who knocked her up doesn't absolutely HAVE to happen, especially now that she has a boyfriend to support her.

 

 

 

I think it would be a good idea to raise these concerns with her, if you haven't. If she reassures you that you will be able to see your daughter and be a part of her life, it might be easier for you to back off until the birth. 

 

Maybe a good compromise would be to ask her to let you know how each prenatal appointment goes- just so that you can know that everything's normal and all signs point to a healthy baby and ask if it would be possible to go to any other ultrasounds she gets (along with her boyfriend)? Ultrasounds are somewhat about parental bonding and most people don't get as many of them, so it might be easier for her to deal with than you trying to go to all prenatal appointments/whatever. I know for my partner, the baby didn't feel real  until the ultrasound and a lot of non-birthing parents have said similar, so being able to go to the ultrasound would be good for that reason. She may not be comfortablew ith that, though, and you need to respect that if she's not.


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#22 of 236 Old 07-25-2013, 03:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For anyone  interested still, here's an update.

 

I proposed to her that we talk every Sunday just to keep in touch (but also she knew she could contact me 24/7). She agreed to this and we talked briefly the following Sunday. However, since then she has ignored me every time I tried to talk to her. I send her a text message every Sunday and it's now been 6 or so Sundays that she has ignored me. The baby is due in a month and things are starting to really hit me hard.

 

I don't know how to assert to her that I will do whatever it takes to be involved without making her feel threatened and alienating her even more. Everyone tells me that this is just about "hormones" and all of that, but how can I bank on her magically becoming amicable after the baby is born (and consequently I'll be missing the birth of my first child)?

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#23 of 236 Old 07-25-2013, 06:18 PM
 
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The birth is a beginning point, not an ending point. Even if you miss the birth, you still have plenty of time. And like I said before, I do come down on the side of the mom-to-be getting to decide who's at the birth and keeping out whoever she's not comfortable with, and I think that trumps the right of dad-to-be to be present at the birth if mom-to-be doesn't want him there. It is a very big undertaking for her, and not so big for you. I understand you'd like to be present, but I think if you can shift your thinking from being at the birth as such a big thing and focus on what comes after that, it may be helpful for you. As for after the birth, well, if she keeps on with the freeze-out routine, that's when you can go to court to establish paternity and determine custody. Right now there are a lot of question marks and it's a big waiting game--and if it helps at all, she probably feels that way too right now.

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#24 of 236 Old 07-25-2013, 06:57 PM
 
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I don't have any advice OP, but I wanted to say that I really admire you, and I think you will be a wonderful father. Good luck to you!

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#25 of 236 Old 07-25-2013, 07:27 PM
 
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The birth is a beginning point, not an ending point. Even if you miss the birth, you still have plenty of time. And like I said before, I do come down on the side of the mom-to-be getting to decide who's at the birth and keeping out whoever she's not comfortable with, and I think that trumps the right of dad-to-be to be present at the birth if mom-to-be doesn't want him there. It is a very big undertaking for her, and not so big for you. I understand you'd like to be present, but I think if you can shift your thinking from being at the birth as such a big thing and focus on what comes after that, it may be helpful for you. As for after the birth, well, if she keeps on with the freeze-out routine, that's when you can go to court to establish paternity and determine custody. Right now there are a lot of question marks and it's a big waiting game--and if it helps at all, she probably feels that way too right now.
This exactly!
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#26 of 236 Old 07-26-2013, 02:40 AM
 
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I agree with erigeron - if she does not want you at birth there's not much you can do. Birth can be such an overwhelming experience and the mother has the right to decide who gets to be there. I can still understand your frustration hug2.gif

 

I'm going to be honest here. From everything you wrote so far, the harsh truth seems to be that she does not really want you in the picture and would rather you be not involved. So to be involved in your child's life, I'd say stop hoping for some sort of drastic change on her part and start planning how to establish paternity and some form visitation rights. You have to establish it legally and preferably early on. I'd personally back off until she gives birth and then ask for a paternity test afterwards.

 

It really is so awesome and admirable how much you want to be part of your child's life! It'll be so worth it. I think one day when this child is old enough to realize how much effort you put to be part of his/her life, they will know how loved they are.  Someone recommended writing a diary/letters to your baby and I think that is an absolutely wonderful idea. Think of the day you get to give it to them..

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#27 of 236 Old 07-26-2013, 08:42 AM
 
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vanek26- Sorry if I've missed it, it's been awhile since I've read this, but have you ever actually gotten a DNA test proving this is your child? From what I remember you saying before, it sounds like she isn't the most trustworthy woman. I'd hate for you to be getting this worked up just to find out that it isn't even your child.

 

I fully understand being upset about not being able to be there for the birth of your child, although if she doesn't want you there you also need to respect that. If it helps, some people don't want their partner there during birth.

 

I agree that all the signs are that this woman does NOT want you in her or your child's lives. You have to ask yourself if you honestly think it's worth the trouble to force the matter- you're going to have to deal with legal issues and she'll likely resent you for forcing your hand. You'll have to pay child support and may have to go through the same difficulty you're facing now to see your child. She's clearly willing to make agreements with you and then break them- I'm sure she'll be willing to agree to let you see your child on XYZ day and then simply not show up.

It may be very difficult on both you and your child. If it's worth that to you, you really need to make sure you're legally ready to force the issue if she continues trying to exclude you after the birth. I don't know enough about this area of the law, but it sounds like some people in the thread do.

 

If there's anything you can set up before birth (even just getting phone numbers/paperwork/etc together), I'd start doing that now if you haven't already. I don't think there's anything else you can do, though.

 

The baby is due in a month, but the baby could come earlier. Definitely make sure you're ready to start establishing your rights as a father as soon as possible.

 

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. If you have insurance that'll cover it, you might want to see a therapist. This is a real emotional roller coaster for you and it might help to have someone to talk to who's detached from the situation. I know someone who sees a therapist just so they can rant about things for an hour each week.

 

 

Is there any way that you can make sure you know when the baby has been born? If she's freezing you out now, I don't really expect she'll put any priority on telling you that the baby's been born or she's in labor. If she's really bent on freezing you out, she might even make the announcement on facebook in a post that you can't see.

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#28 of 236 Old 07-26-2013, 09:08 AM
 
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The birth is a beginning point, not an ending point. Even if you miss the birth, you still have plenty of time. And like I said before, I do come down on the side of the mom-to-be getting to decide who's at the birth and keeping out whoever she's not comfortable with, and I think that trumps the right of dad-to-be to be present at the birth if mom-to-be doesn't want him there. It is a very big undertaking for her, and not so big for you. I understand you'd like to be present, but I think if you can shift your thinking from being at the birth as such a big thing and focus on what comes after that, it may be helpful for you. As for after the birth, well, if she keeps on with the freeze-out routine, that's when you can go to court to establish paternity and determine custody. Right now there are a lot of question marks and it's a big waiting game--and if it helps at all, she probably feels that way too right now.

 

All this, plus:

 

I'm sorry, but you do not have a legally enforceable right to be present at the birth.  Current patient privacy law in the U.S. means that you have a right to information about your child, once paternity is legally established, but you do not have a right to information about your child's mother, or to be present at the birth.  If you show up at the hospital and she doesn't want to see you, they can ask you to leave, and call security to escort you out.  This can suck - but it's actually intended to protect the health and safety of patients, so I think you need to make peace with it.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row in terms of establishing paternity.

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#29 of 236 Old 07-26-2013, 09:58 AM
 
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All this, plus:

 

I'm sorry, but you do not have a legally enforceable right to be present at the birth.  Current patient privacy law in the U.S. means that you have a right to information about your child, once paternity is legally established, but you do not have a right to information about your child's mother, or to be present at the birth.  If you show up at the hospital and she doesn't want to see you, they can ask you to leave, and call security to escort you out.  This can suck - but it's actually intended to protect the health and safety of patients, so I think you need to make peace with it.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row in terms of establishing paternity.


I didn't see any indication that the OP intended to force the matter. The OP only came off as lamenting that he isn't going to be able to be present to the birth of his first child. He just said "It's likely that I won't get the chance to witness my first child being born and have to go through a grueling process to even be able to see her." and "(and consequently I'll be missing the birth of my first child)", no indication that he's trying to force a change, because the woman is making it clear she does not want him involved with this pregnancy and possibly his child at all.

 

If he's being honest about what he's done so far, he's been fairly patient and does appear to be doing his best to respect her boundaries while trying to get her to respect his desire to be involved in his own child's life. He hasn't shown any indication of planning to demand that he's there for birth, he's only lamenting that he'll be missing it- which is a very fair thing to lament. Especially because this isn't a "I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable having you there for the birth" (which can happen to romantic partners, spouses, etc)- it's part of a long string of signals that she's going to try and keep him out of his child's life. (assuming it is his child)


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#30 of 236 Old 07-26-2013, 10:03 AM
 
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I didn't see any indication that the OP intended to force the matter.

 

I didn't either, I certainly didn't mean to imply that he would.  OP, if that's how it came across, please accept my apologies.  I posted because I wanted to be sure that the OP understood the legal reality there, not because I thought he was pushing it.

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