Distance between houses for daily visitation - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 20 Old 05-23-2013, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My stbx is looking at a place that is over forty minutes away one way, double that in traffic.

The kids are one and a half and three and a half. and he's agreed to no overnights to start, but that might change.

How can this be doable? I can't spend one to two hours in the car every day.

Help!


We have just separated and don't have an agreement in place yet. I bought a new place and he was aware of the location when I did.
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#2 of 20 Old 05-23-2013, 01:01 PM
 
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Yikes. I can't see that working with daily visitation, not long-term. Does he currently live close to you and is looking at moving farther away? If that's what he decides to do, that might change what makes sense for visitation.


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#3 of 20 Old 05-23-2013, 01:08 PM
 
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Does your oldest have strong connections to your area? Friends, daycare, preschool, playgroup, etc.?

 

My lawyer told me that if X wants to move out of the area, he would have to give up his weekdays with the kids because no judge is going to allow children to be stuck in a vehicle driving for over an hour for half of their school days. And if he does do this and accepts weekends only, he would have to be responsible for the transportation for the exchanges.

 

My kids are 11, 7, 4 and are in a local school/local daycare.

 

I think he needs to at least be responsible for transportation in your case. If he eventually wants 50-50, this does not work in his favour.

 

I know how scary all these changes are. Hugs.

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#4 of 20 Old 05-24-2013, 10:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We have been living in the middle of nowhere, but that house is for sale and we are vacating. I got a new place right around the corner to family a few hours away with his agreement and he is looking for a place here too. Both kids start at the local Montessori school in a few weeks (just part days).

This phase is just so frustrating.
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#5 of 20 Old 05-25-2013, 11:34 PM
 
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I don't know about who would be responsible for travel, but I don't see how he is going to manage daily visits living that far away. My ex is about 30 minutes away and any mid week visits were a huge pain, so we ended up extending his weekend hours and dropping the mid week visit. He now sees the kids every other weekend, and has three weeks over the summer (broken into 2 weeks and 1 week).

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#6 of 20 Old 05-26-2013, 03:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He went to see a place and realized how far it was... thank goodness.
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#7 of 20 Old 05-30-2013, 07:48 PM
 
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Hopefully, he will find a place closer than that one.

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#8 of 20 Old 05-31-2013, 09:02 PM
 
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My ex lives about 10 mins away, maybe 2 miles. We split drop off/pickup. I would be irritated if this changed as we're all spoiled with this situation.


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#9 of 20 Old 06-01-2013, 03:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It is looking more he is going to be only a few kms away. Google maps says a five minute bike ride!
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#10 of 20 Old 06-03-2013, 05:34 PM
 
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Is daily visitation even feasible?  With presumably two working parents plus kids in daycare/school and other committments like playdates, lessons of some sorts, etc I don't see how daily visitation would work.  I have 3 kids and they each have an activity (brownies, yoga, story time, chorus concerts, etc) and we share pick-up responsibilities but even still, there's no way my ex and I could do daily visitation schedules unless it was a one day with dad, one day with mom type scenario.  And that's a lot of shuffling the kids back and forth even if you live within minutes of each other.  I'd say unless you live next door to each other or in the same neighborhood, daily visitation isn't workable at ALL, not if you want a life outside visitation and kids anyway.


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#11 of 20 Old 06-03-2013, 06:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is a great point. I expect we will end up working with a professional to design the schedule. I hope they agree.
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#12 of 20 Old 06-03-2013, 07:29 PM
 
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if both your children go to daycare then everyday is possible. but it includes overnights which you guys are leaning towards anyways right?!!!

 

we have been doing every weekday since dd was 3. with overnights. i drop dd to school and he picks her up. then next day he drops her and i pick her up. and then usually i have her for the weekend. 

 

i would advice you guys to work together and figure this out - if you are on talking terms. i would only defer to the professional to check to see if the plan is ok. its better going to the table with a plan. 


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#13 of 20 Old 06-10-2013, 07:51 PM
 
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Reading this thread brings back memories! Ex had the bright idea that the kids would stay in one house and he and I would alternate staying in the kids home! Craziest idea I had ever heard.


I agree it is best to try and find out what routine works best for all of you and try to keep that part out of court.
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#14 of 20 Old 06-10-2013, 11:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post

Reading this thread brings back memories! Ex had the bright idea that the kids would stay in one house and he and I would alternate staying in the kids home! Craziest idea I had ever heard.

for the children's sake that is the best idea. I would have done it in a heartbeat.

 

I know some families who have done this ... and in the long run THAT really pays off. IF the parents can manage a courteous relationship.


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#15 of 20 Old 06-11-2013, 11:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by meemee View Post

for the children's sake that is the best idea. I would have done it in a heartbeat.

I know some families who have done this ... and in the long run THAT really pays off. IF the parents can manage a courteous relationship.

For parents who can afford to have three houses I sure it works. I dont trust my ex so couldnt share anything with him. Who pays when the tv is broken,who pays the electrical bils when one parent leaves all the lights on? I'm sorry,the fantasy sounds really good, but realisticaly, if you can work around sharing a house like that why get a divorce?
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#16 of 20 Old 06-11-2013, 12:24 PM
 
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Yeah, and X sure wouldn't do any cleaning. He'd probably 'accidentally' leave women's underpants lying around or a dead fish hidden in a cupboard just to make me angry. If the respect wasn't there in the marriage, it sure wont be there after. I hear about the rare case where things like this happen bc the parents can get along so well. My question to them is, why then did you ever get divorced? All I wanted was to be respected.
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#17 of 20 Old 06-11-2013, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think of it was a happy 'we are just not suited' divorce a shared house could work. But never where there had been any kind of abuse. I just can't even imagine in my situation. I need to put as much emotional space between us as possible.
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#18 of 20 Old 06-15-2013, 06:54 PM
 
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That sounds really confusing and wouldnt work for my family either. And definitely not my sanity.lol How do you explain that if you are dating? I would think the guy is still seeing his ex and they're keeping the door open. Not something I'd be willing to invest in.


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#19 of 20 Old 06-15-2013, 07:35 PM
 
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yeah that's why I said courteous relationship.

 

actually dd's bf's dad lived like that. parents were civil with each other. they kept their family house. and had their separate rooms. and both rented apartments - one close by one far away. they both dated and one of them even married. but the 4 children did not suffer. the parents divorced when the youngest was 6 and the oldest was 12. they did that till the last child left for college at 20 after 2 years in local junior college. they had written in their divorce decree that the mother would move into the house after the kids moved out.

 

the son says it worked really well for their family. esp. in teen years when they were gone more than home. no problem with friends - having to do different things with each parent. they didn't have to do separate extra curricula activity. they even did family dinners. so they all ate dinner together before the switch.

 

they weren't well off. she was a teacher. he was a non profit lawyer. but they were very frugal and knew how to spend their pennies. however by the time they divorced the house had already been paid for because of family wedding gift of down payment. so they spent 5 years living on the edge and paying off the house.

 

I have done the next best thing. live in the same neighborhood as ex. so dd has no problem with her friends and activities. when we moved away briefly (10 miles away - not too far away) still affected dd's playdates and activities.

 

esp. since dd starts middle school next year in a whole different neighborhood. she has been in the same class for 3 years so she has many close friends with whom she can keep in contact easily - even scooter/bike alone the two miles to their place.


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#20 of 20 Old 06-16-2013, 10:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lilgreen View Post

Yeah, and X sure wouldn't do any cleaning. He'd probably 'accidentally' leave women's underpants lying around or a dead fish hidden in a cupboard just to make me angry. If the respect wasn't there in the marriage, it sure wont be there after. I hear about the rare case where things like this happen bc the parents can get along so well. My question to them is, why then did you ever get divorced? All I wanted was to be respected.

I think there are other reasons in a marriage that warrant divorce aside from outright abuse. When I went to the parenting class that our state requires of all divorcing parents of minors, I heard many stories of different parenting arrangements and a lot of different kinds of marital breakup.  

 

One other mom was doing really well with her ex--they had the children living in the family home and were sharing custody by having the parents stay with them during their nights of the week. She said that even though her marriage had tanked because of an unspecified action of her husband's (I'm guessing infidelity) that had both of their families furious with him, she was getting along with him pretty well and things were working out. 

 

I would never do the house sharing thing in a million years, because my ex is at the very least a slob, and possibly a hoarder. I am doing another custody-sharing arrangement: my ex picks up the kid in the morning and take him to school (or summer camp) and I pick him up in the evenings, even on the days when he sleeps at his dad's. it is not a perfect arrangement, but it's working and it's not as stressful as you'd think. We split each week, 3/4, 4/3, 3/4, 4/3.

 

I think you have to choose your custody arrangements based on what makes sense in YOUR relationship. If you can't stand to see your ex, don't set something up where you'll see him daily. Lilgreen's situation is terrible and there's no way she could ever do the kind of time sharing I'm doing. Springshowers, you are in the worst phase of the whole thing--trying to figure out what is really going to work. The problem with public policy on divorce is that it doesn't take into account the big variations in marriages and the people getting out of them.

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