Ex who yo-yos - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 06-29-2013, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
alvira's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Buffalo New York
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am venting mostly but also looking for advice about dealing with my ex. He just left after I got mad and asked him to leave. I hate the way he can make me mad while I'm otherwise happy and pretty much put a damper on the rest of the evening.

He is living in a place I feel safe but he can't stay there forever. He bickers and derails the conversation every time I tell him he needs to get his own place. He has various health issues and is trying to get on disability but refuses to take any action in making his life functional. Day to day things are hard for him. He refuses to see he may have depression. He constantly blames everyone for the mess his life is, though every one has gone well out of their way for him.

Sometimes he is fine, and sweet, and functional, but just when we are around each other a little too long he turns into a whiny helpless man who falls victim every step of the way.

His family pretty much wont lift a finger to help him, even though I have asked. They talk to him and he tells them he is "fine" and then they don't talk for a year. I have been dealing with his bullshit for years and his mom is an ass to me when I have asked for help.

I am considering total ex communication because he will not take responsibility for his life, and teaches our kids it's ok to blame others for our problems.
I don't want my kids to be without their dad, and it is really hard raising them alone, but what can I do? He won't wake up and change and I feel like he never will. It's innate in his personality that I'm considering it might be the best option. Any thoughts on this?
alvira is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 6 Old 06-29-2013, 10:10 PM
 
rubelin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,825
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I would start by severely limiting YOUR time around him. Drop offs should be super quick affairs - kiss the kids goodbye & close the door. There's no reason to be chit-chatting w/ your ex. If he needs to discuss the kids, or change the schedule (which should be VERY solid and regular), then he can email you.

 

Unless his living situation is detrimental to the kids, or he's actively hurting them, there's no reason for them not to spend time with him. He will never change, but he's their father and they have a right to have a relationship with him.  It's annoying for you to have to undo behaviors/attitudes that they learn on his time, but I think we all have to deal with that kind of thing.


Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
rubelin is online now  
#3 of 6 Old 06-30-2013, 05:23 PM
 
justmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: beginning anew
Posts: 5,721
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 20 Post(s)
why would you take the kids away from their dad just because you have issues with him? there's a lot of things I don't want my ex teaching our kids but I know he's genuinely a good man who loves them and they deserve to know both of their parents. I can't just decide that I don't like something he's doing and decide to pull his children away from him. the court would laugh in my face.

treehugger.gifjog.gifgreenthumb.gifknit.gifnamaste.gif

justmama is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 07-02-2013, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
alvira's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Buffalo New York
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's not just that I have issues with him. He refuses to get help for depression/anger/paranoia. Today on his walk from my houses to his he claimed he got robbed. He keeps his door locked in a private residence. His reasoning was someone had a key, went into his room, didn't disturb anything but took all his cash. He won't call the police, won't give me any details.
This coincided with him saying he would help me with rent this month. He doesn't give me money. He went home to get me some rent, and lo and behold it was gone.
This is normal, every few months something crazy happens where someone mysteriously ruins everything for him. He believes he is sane and everyone else is crazy and pitted against him, a few months ago he believed 50-75 people were out to get him. He has neglected dogs in his care and their puppies died. He has been verbally abusive in the past. He continues to be manipulative.

So my wish has never been to refuse him his children. I want them to have a relationship. I just don't know if I should sometimes. Where do I draw the line? How do I know under his warped thinking that they (4 and 1) will be cared for?

Believe me I'd love more time to myself, I just want them to be safe.

He refuses therapy, contacting anyone from his past, or any help.
I just don't want something bad to happen to my kids becauses they were with their crazy dad. I want them to have their dad, and him have his kids. I really do. I just wonder is what I'm doing right?

Otherwise I'm good. Family and friends are so supportive and I'm very grateful. I don't say "alvira what were you thinking marrying him?" anymore.
You are right about us spending less time together. I have told him I don't want to be around him and he still comes into my houses, lays on my bed, rants about this and that. He informed me a few times recently he "wants to have sex" (with me) not in any way other than a demand, he has guilt tripped me before too.
Maybe I need a restraining order...I don't know. I take it one day at a time and today was good.
alvira is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 07-03-2013, 09:20 AM
 
rubelin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,825
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

your clarification explains a little better, thanx =)

 

if you've having trouble with keeping boundaries with him, I'd suggest meeting for drop offs at a neutral location first and if he continues to push it, then look into a protective order.

 

Maybe tighten up on the visit schedule, having them only at the times that you know he'll be at his best or there will be other people around. If you are really worried for their safety, you need to bring that up in court. It's one thing for the court to have all the info and still order visits, it's another thing for you to keep that info to yourself and send them knowing that they could be in danger.

 

I would never rely on loans or financial "helping" from him. If he's not paying enough in CS, get that worked out in court with the state doing the collections for you, since he can't be trusted to handle it on his own.


Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
rubelin is online now  
#6 of 6 Old 07-07-2013, 03:37 PM
 
alpenglow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,910
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 109 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rubelin View Post

if you've having trouble with keeping boundaries with him, I'd suggest meeting for drop offs at a neutral location first and if he continues to push it, then look into a protective order.

 

Maybe tighten up on the visit schedule, having them only at the times that you know he'll be at his best or there will be other people around. If you are really worried for their safety, you need to bring that up in court. It's one thing for the court to have all the info and still order visits, it's another thing for you to keep that info to yourself and send them knowing that they could be in danger.

I totally agree with this advice.  You can ease him into it by making the first few times a "hey I just happened to be going through here and let's do the exchange here..."....so it's not presented as a "get out of my space" request.  Then he gets used to the idea and you get his agreement without him ever knowing the intent behind it.  

 

If there are safety concerns then you need to be gathering evidence and getting legal advice asap from a lawyer who understands abuse dynamics.  If it suddenly comes up in court and there is no history of restraining orders,etcm then it can look like it is less credible.  It's very very important to establish credibility right off the bat, which means that there should be evidence to support your claims.  (I believe you....have just had experience dealing with a system that does not help when it's one word against another).   Also, it's common for the abuser to actually make claims of YOU being abusive.  Often setting the first boundary can trigger this.  Once he figures out his 'poor me' or lying tactics don't work to manipulate you, then he might resort to other more harmful strategies.

 

Have you looked up antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy - not psychopathy) or narcisisstic personality disorder?  The behaviour you describe is classic.  Since people with this PD are incapable of empathy or seeing anything wrong with themselves, they will fabricate any sort of explanation to avoid taking any personal responsibility.  Blame is a classic trait.  They relish playing the victim role - a narcissist does this well in order to get their "fix" of your attention/sympathy and ego feeding.  There is no cure and therapy generally will only help to mask it or give them general stress and coping skills (which is still good, but just don't expect a "cure" ever).  the behaviour needs to be managed to protect yourself and the kids.  I don't want to label prematurely, since there is always more to the story.  But often labels can give explanations and give you direction on how to deal with the person.  Just a suggestions if you haven't explored this already...

 

If this is indeed what is behind his crazy behaviour, then you need to be very careful about how you go about making custody/visitation changes and boundary setting.  Certainly set boundaries kindly and respectfully, just be careful to do it in such a way that it doesn't trigger him to feel abandoned or criticized.  The back door approach can work well at first (e.g. innocently arranging dropoffs to be at a neutral location, engineering visit times to be at his best times, etc.)  so he doesn't even realize that is what you are doing.

Springshowers likes this.
alpenglow is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off