How to deal with daddy's "new friend" ? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 07-05-2013, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter's father and I have been broken up for 1 year now. He is now dating and living with a woman, who repeatedly oversteps her boundaries. She is a college student, no children, and has no idea what it takes physically, financially, emotionally to raise a child. She even went as far as to say that I was a bad mother because my daughter was not completely potty trained on the day of her 3rd birthday (she was completely potty trained 2 weeks after). I receive messages on FB saying I'm a terrible mother, I'm jealous of her, I couldn't keep my family together, ect ... The only thing I might have said that might upset her  is that when it comes to my kid, the only opinions that are taken into consideration when making decisions in my daughter's life are the opinons of myself and her father. I don't think that is unfair, because I felt she needed to know that there are lines that should not be crossed when it comes to being a part of my daughter's life. Anyhow, my child's father never defends me. He says that his girlfriend has her own opinions and he can't make her shut up . He refuses to pay child support because his girlfriend told him he is only responsible for the time he has his daughter (3 days a month, this is what he felt he could handle BUT i offered him more time with her). She is a nuissance and making it near impossible for us to co-parent. I work 40-70 hours a week and I'm barely scraping by. I'm trying to save to go back to school (which I gave up so he could finish), but I cannot seem to get ahead. Meanwhile, my daughter's father is getting food stamps with my daughter's name on his case, school loans claiming he has full custody of his daughter, and claiming her on his taxes (we haven't been together in a year ). I'm getting tired of working so hard to be civil with him, and I just get ran over . We never had these problems before he was with her. So how do I let her know what she's doing is making my daughter's life hectic and she needs to back off . Also how do I tell my daughter's father that his girlfriend is causing issues without sounding like a jealous ex (I swear i'm not, but this is the statement I hear everytime I bring it up) Thanks for letting me vent !!       

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#2 of 11 Old 07-05-2013, 05:04 AM
 
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Did you ever formally file for child support? Because if he's yanking you around there, my inclination would be to take that up legally. Formally file a request, if you haven't already, and go to court for it if you have to, but hopefully, someone (a lawyer, someone paid to answer questions for the county, whoever) will make it clear to him that his girlfriend's understanding of family law is grossly incorrect, and that he's comitting a certain level of welfare fraud.

It sounds as if, since the split, you've been coasting, which is why your ex has been able to list your daughter as a dependent on anything and everything. Put a stop to that free ride if you can.

I'm so mad for you about the potty training comment. On the FB stuff though, just screencap and save that, so you can offer it as evidence for why you prefer her not to be present when your child visits her dad.
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#3 of 11 Old 07-05-2013, 09:49 AM
 
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Also, go ahead and apply for food stamps if your income allows. Put the number of days that she is with you on there.  When it shows up as a discrepancy, they'll look into things. They'll also want you to get child support and that will put things in motion for you.
 

For taxes, go ahead and claim her and keep a calendar of the days that she is with you or with him.  That'll be your evidence.

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#4 of 11 Old 07-05-2013, 10:25 AM
 
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If both you and your ex claim your child as a dependent, the IRS will hold up the refund of the second parent to file while they investigate.  Typically, refunds get issued pretty fast, like the day the return is received, so by the time the second parent's filing arrives, the first refund check has probably gone.  Anyway - the IRS will investigate both returns.  Your refund will be delayed.  However, if things are indeed as you say (ex has the child three days a month and does not pay child support), the IRS is ultimately not going to see the child as his dependent.  If you're the second to file, you'll eventually get your refund, but it will be slow.

 

I agree with the advice to go ahead and file.  The slow refund is only an issue in making sure you don't plan on the refund coming in at its usual speed.

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#5 of 11 Old 07-05-2013, 11:23 AM
 
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Agree with all of the above. You need something set in stone legally. 

 

But one additional note - the GF is who she is, but if your X is changing because of her influence, that's HIM. I wouldn't bother to go after her - he's the one that needs to be held accountable. He needs to stand up for your daughter and put her needs first by effectively co-parenting and if he doesn't, then he's the problem regardless of where he's getting his fuel from. 

 

Also, you don't need to have any communication with this woman. She sounds toxic. You only need to communicate (sparingly) with your X. Protect yourself and cut all communication with her because it is not necessary. You are absolutely right that only your and your X's opinions matter at this stage. She and X can have their own discussions about how they plan to parent your daughter, but that's between them and only on their time with her. 

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#6 of 11 Old 07-07-2013, 06:09 AM
 
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File for child support.  He'll be getting a rude awakening when you go to court if he thinks he's only responsible for the days he has her.  Block her on facebook.  You don't need to speak to her about anything.  If there's something important to discuss with her regarding your child(which I doubt there will be EVER), your ex can facilitate a meeting or phone call.  If you want food stamps, file.  There's nothing that says that you cannot get food stamps just because he's claiming her.  They do look into these things and they'll REQUIRE that you file for child support in the process anyway.  When you are on any aid whatsoever, you have to file child support unless there's a very good reason not to(ie, abuse).  

 

 

Overall, you can't shut her up.  She sounds like a real PITA but outside of blocking her on facebook and not accepting calls from her, there's nothing you can do.  She'll make your life uncomfortable but you CAN decide how much more uncomfortable she makes it.  If you don't respond, she'll eventually give up for the most part.  You don't need to let her frustrate you like this.  She may be temporary, she may be long-term, but you can only deal with your own issues surrounding her comments and harrassment.  

 

 

I wish you luck.  Eventually things will get sorted out.  You are in the right here.  He's taking advantage of you because y ou are letting him.  Stand up for yourself and stop running yourself into the ground.  hug2.gif


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#7 of 11 Old 07-07-2013, 03:13 PM
 
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I second the advice to save her messages (take screenshots).  You may need it when SHE decides that your x should go after 50/50 so he gets out of paying full child support.  

 

He is deceitful himself and is possibly feeding her some very convincing lies, possibly throwing in some fake tears for full effect? he lied about custody on his loan applications?  wow.  another thing to try to have evidence of.

 

document everything (including your offers to give him more time).  keep all communication with x in writing if possible.  

 

The problem is just as much him.  he's probably telling you what he thinks you want to hear to your face, then telling gf a different story.  I wouldn't trust either of them and i would probably do some research and have a lawyer before any formal attempts to go after his child support arrears -it could trigger him into a custody battle.  

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#8 of 11 Old 07-09-2013, 12:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I make too much to get assistance, but hardly enough to cover household costs and save for school. Its not that I even want the assistance from the state, but the principle of the matter . He hardly see his kid, but recieves money for her as if he was a full time parent and doesn't feel bad about it. As far as filing for child support formally, I have . But the process is taking quite a long time. I still thinks its only fair that I ask him to help while things are being worked out .. As far as GF is concerned, I try not to say anything to her. I try to keep my distance from her and all the shenanigans for my daughter's sake. But in some ways I think she takes my silence for weakness . I know I cannot keeps her away from my daughter when she is with her dad, so i try to make the best of it. I tell my daughter she is going to have so much fun with her dad and his friend when she goes for the weekend. I try never to let GF see me out of my element, but the more silent I stay, the more tweets, fb messages (from fake pages), texts, i receive. I could drag this all in to court, and any judge here would tell me the same thing, I cannot dictate what he does when he has my daughter, or who he allows her to be around if she is not physically in harm. But its the mental and emotional harm that GF is doing to my mine and my daughter's relationship that is of the biggest concern.And OF COURSE he lies to her about what him and I go (and went) through . But i doubt she sees that rationally. It irks me that I have to be associated with trash like her, but I want so bad for us to get along so (even if that means not speaking at all, just not fighting), if she does stick around, I don't want my daughter caught in the middle . Should I stand up for myself and tell her about herself, or continue to ignore ?   

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#9 of 11 Old 07-09-2013, 05:40 AM
 
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It is only fair that he should help out while the formal child support arrangements are going through - in a perfect world, he'd be actively involved in determining how the two of you can meet your daughter's needs, and he'd be pitching in.  It's awful and unfair to your daughter that he's not doing that.  Unfortunately, he is the person he is, and there's no way to make him behave better, until the courts come through. 

 

Right now, the GF may take your silence for weakness, and I am sure it's incredibly frustrating.  In the long-term, though, this is the right strategy, and being mature and classy will eventually pay off.  It will make it easier for you in court, and it will set a good example for your daughter, as well as making her life a little easier while she transitions from you to her dad and back.  The GF is probably ramping up the harassment because it bugs her that she can't make you crack.  Just keep cool, take screenshots, report the fake pages to Facebook as abuse.  You can block the texts if you want. 

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#10 of 11 Old 07-10-2013, 06:57 PM
 
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Save all the messages and file harassment charges against her. No judge is going to expect you to communicate with a girlfriend.

Do you qualify for food stamps for you and your daughter? If so, go talk to the food stamp office. What he is doing is fraud and they take it very seriously.

He's being an ass. And girlfriend sounds scary. If kinda sounds like you are trying to "play nice" in an attempt make the situation easier. It's not going to happen so try and accept the ugliness and fight for what you need.

Mama to three crazy kids and one crazier dog.  biggrinbounce.gif

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#11 of 11 Old 07-11-2013, 11:36 AM
 
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I hated feeling this way, and I hated every second of court. But court isn't for you, it's for your baby. Go get the papers, take them home to fill out, and go back to submit them proudly.
We as single mamas have to fight twice as hard for our babies rights. The State says your baby is entitled to support - that will help you work less hours and spend more time being the awesome Mommy that you are.
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