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#1 of 17 Old 07-12-2013, 05:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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 I have written here before about wanting leave my emotionally abuse husband. Today we actually separated.

 

 I feel so weird. I am shock. We had such a nice morning. Went to the library with our kids and got a hair cut.

 Then I went to a job interview which was so-so. And I came home and he's fuming. Got in a fight with my Mom ( who gives us a place to stay and pays most all our bills and adores us). I said then go out and cool off. No he said he's fine. He starts going over what happened. He starts blowing up like he hasnt in years. Screaming, livid, terrifying. On and on he goes. I try to calm him and then I am done. All the therapy, gifts, time I have given trying to keep him calm. I am sick of it. I say get out and he does. 

 I call the domestic abuse hotline and a lawyer. It's Friday so I have to wait to get legal advice til Monday.

Tonight I am in shock and terrified for my family's future. Will he fight me in court?  How do I let go, we had so many wonderful beautiful days? Things were going pretty good. I had to walk on egg shells but our kids love him and we were together.

 Please tell me I will survive this. I want to just awake from this nightmare. I don't even know what to tell the kids when Dad doesn't tuck them in tonight. Should I invite him back for now? I feel like my life just got hit by a hurricane

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#2 of 17 Old 07-12-2013, 06:16 PM
 
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hugs momma. of course you'll get through this and of course you don't invite him back. You said yourself that you've done the therapy, gifts, and time and it has not worked. Yes, it can be scary to be on your own but you have a mom who loves you and supports you (your words) and now you can have a peaceful home without his abuse. ANYTHING you have to do to maintain that peace will be easier than living with the chaos.


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YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#3 of 17 Old 07-13-2013, 02:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I have slept about 4 hours tonight. My whole body hurts. I tried talking with him and he is still livid on the phone. I have never seen him this bad. I am scared of a battle over my babies.
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#4 of 17 Old 07-13-2013, 03:35 PM
 
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Hi Laura,

It sounds so stressful. I feel for you. Once you get past this part though you will find the days so much more peaceful. Your energy will increase for everything else in your life because it isn't all going towards managing him.

A good book you might enjoy is Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He do That. It describes different types of abuse and I found it really helpful to see the different types of abuse and control I was experiencing and didn't even know. You are not alone. Think about joining us in the private lounge too.
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#5 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 05:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you! I tried to join the private lounge but am not sure if I got in. I love the idea of having more energy. Right now every once of energy I have is going to fear and disbelief:( This group is always so helpful.

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#6 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 03:09 PM
 
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" so many wonderful beautiful days "

I know exactly what you mean. That for me was the hardest part to deal with. My ex can be so funny and kind and giving, then there's this monster who I get to deal with more often. Funny thing is I almost posted this week about how smoothly things were going and wondered who else seemed to have a seamless arrangement with their ex that was almost amicable.

Of course there were great days, you wouldn't have stayed so long if there weren't. But things likely won't get better if you stay together. But things almost definitely will get better if you stay separated.

My ex took DS away for 3 nights for the first time andiI couldn't get over how calming life was without him around and how happy and peaceful I felt.

You'll get there too. Let the shock fade, get in to a new groove, life will be good.
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#7 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am glad to hear others have been through the same. I am so terrified of him in court I am thinking if going back just so I might keep him calmer. Tomorrow we see a therapist to talk over the children's arrangements. I am so scared.
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#8 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 04:50 PM
 
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I separated from my husband Thursday! He was emotionally abusive as well. It was a cycle. Good/happy times, tense times, then a blow up. Rinse. Repeat. When I asked what he wanted me to do to make him happy he said "You really want to keep me happy? Walk on eggshells." He has shouted in front of the kids "I didn't even want these kids!" When I asked him to help me with the kids and he wouldn't come inside I asked if he cared more about me or smoking and he blew smoke in my face. He has hurt the kids. It took me years to get brave enough to leave. We are still cohabitating but I already have my life planned out. In January I'm moving to my parents place and I start school next month. It feels so good to be free!


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#9 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 04:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by thispathisme View Post

" so many wonderful beautiful days "

I know exactly what you mean. That for me was the hardest part to deal with. My ex can be so funny and kind and giving, then there's this monster who I get to deal with more often. Funny thing is I almost posted this week about how smoothly things were going and wondered who else seemed to have a seamless arrangement with their ex that was almost amicable.

Of course there were great days, you wouldn't have stayed so long if there weren't. But things likely won't get better if you stay together. But things almost definitely will get better if you stay separated.

My ex took DS away for 3 nights for the first time andiI couldn't get over how calming life was without him around and how happy and peaceful I felt.

You'll get there too. Let the shock fade, get in to a new groove, life will be good.

I'm hoping that we will find our arrangement peaceful as well, we are "friends" for the most part. Good to know it's possible. :)


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#10 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 06:58 PM
 
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" so many wonderful beautiful days "


I know exactly what you mean. That for me was the hardest part to deal with. My ex can be so funny and kind and giving, then there's this monster who I get to deal with more often. Funny thing is I almost posted this week about how smoothly things were going and wondered who else seemed to have a seamless arrangement with their ex that was almost amicable.


Of course there were great days, you wouldn't have stayed so long if there weren't. But things likely won't get better if you stay together. But things almost definitely will get better if you stay separated.


My ex took DS away for 3 nights for the first time andiI couldn't get over how calming life was without him around and how happy and peaceful I felt.


You'll get there too. Let the shock fade, get in to a new groove, life will be good.
I'm hoping that we will find our arrangement peaceful as well, we are "friends" for the most part. Good to know it's possible. smile.gif

Sorry, that might have been confusing. I meant things were great for a while, and then they blew up. Just like when we were together.
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#11 of 17 Old 07-14-2013, 07:42 PM
 
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Sorry, that might have been confusing. I meant things were great for a while, and then they blew up. Just like when we were together.

 

Ah so, have him sign the custody agreement when he's in an upswing? :) So do things go from good to bad to good now too? Or just all bad?

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#12 of 17 Old 07-15-2013, 10:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He says he is willing to do therapy and mediate. I just keep thinking what happened to the man I loved and laughed with? Life is so freaking crazy sometimes
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#13 of 17 Old 07-15-2013, 11:18 AM
 
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Sorry, that might have been confusing. I meant things were great for a while, and then they blew up. Just like when we were together.

Ah so, have him sign the custody agreement when he's in an upswing? smile.gif So do things go from good to bad to good now too? Or just all bad?

Yup, we have great times and co-parent like champs,then things donot go as he'd like and he turns real quick. I think it has a lot to do with him not coming to terms with us being apart, whereas I've been working on our separation mentally and physically for a long time. Eventually I had to believe he was the man he was showing me to be.
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#14 of 17 Old 07-15-2013, 12:06 PM
 
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Yup, we have great times and co-parent like champs,then things donot go as he'd like and he turns real quick. I think it has a lot to do with him not coming to terms with us being apart, whereas I've been working on our separation mentally and physically for a long time. Eventually I had to believe he was the man he was showing me to be.

Sounds like what I have to look forward to. When I told STBX that I was going to write out our agreement (self-filing) with a friend (who has done it before) next week he said "Oh well we don't have to do that already..." Um yes we do.


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#15 of 17 Old 12-12-2013, 08:05 PM
 
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To Laura87 and all, I know this thread started in June, but I'm going through threads, looking for ideas and hope. This is helpful to read - I think just that others have similar experiences. I think the mix of good times with the horrible unpredictable times does make it so hard. For me, also, my husband is mostly a good father to our son. He is just awful to me 40% of the time, more, of course, if I do not cooperate with his wishes. I have been saying I wanted to separate for over a year, but tried to do it gently and caring, as a team doing what was best for our family. And I guess he just thought I wouldn't do it. I have insisted and insisted as of late, even despite his insulting and belittling (which is mixed, strangely, with occasional apologies and remorse). It is so scary to keep insisting, knowing he will be angrier and more upset. Everyone keeps telling me to file something, but for me, I just kept hoping we could live apart for a while and settle into a routine where we are away from each other before filing so that I would have distance from his anger and meanness.

 

It is scary. I hope that by now this has worked out better for you......

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#16 of 17 Old 12-13-2013, 03:34 AM
 
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To Laura87 and all, I know this thread started in June, but I'm going through threads, looking for ideas and hope. This is helpful to read - I think just that others have similar experiences. I think the mix of good times with the horrible unpredictable times does make it so hard. For me, also, my husband is mostly a good father to our son. He is just awful to me 40% of the time, more, of course, if I do not cooperate with his wishes. I have been saying I wanted to separate for over a year, but tried to do it gently and caring, as a team doing what was best for our family. And I guess he just thought I wouldn't do it. I have insisted and insisted as of late, even despite his insulting and belittling (which is mixed, strangely, with occasional apologies and remorse). It is so scary to keep insisting, knowing he will be angrier and more upset. Everyone keeps telling me to file something, but for me, I just kept hoping we could live apart for a while and settle into a routine where we are away from each other before filing so that I would have distance from his anger and meanness.

 

It is scary. I hope that by now this has worked out better for you......

 

Seekingpeace1, You might get a few more responses if you start a new thread. This is a really tough time; leaving is always hard, but leaving an abusive partner is especially tricky. If cooperating while married didn't work, cooperating about separating is definitely not going to work. You need to develop a plan, practically, financially, both short and long term. If you tell us about your circumstances, you child(ren)'s ages, if you have friends and family nearby, if you work, do you have access to money, etc.., has he ever been physically violent? the mamas here can help you figure out how to navigate through all of this. Many of us here have done this, some very recently others long ago.

 

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but if he is awful to you it is necessary.


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#17 of 17 Old 12-17-2013, 05:01 PM
 
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Hi Wild Lupine. Thanks for your kind note. I am financially sound and have good options. In many ways so lucky. No physical violence, I have a great therapist, and supportive family. I'm not sure that I really need anything - mostly it is just so painful and I appreciate reading about others journeys just to feel less alone and less shattered. Thanks for your kind words. 

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