Advice please, divorcing narcissist? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 07-30-2013, 08:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It was suggested that I cross post, since my initial post in parents as partners has evolved into divorcing. The whole saga is there, and it gives details of all the stuff, including questions about how to proceed wisely in our situation. If you have some time, please take a look over there and reply (here or there) to help me figure it out. It seems I may be married to a narcissistic abuser who is very skilled at shining bright when it really counts... For him. My head is totally spinning and I am struggling intently to not question my sanity. I am really turned around and questioning everything. Am I reasonably cautious or paranoid? Am I being hasty? Moving too slow? Help!!!

The thread:
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1384697/need-some-advice
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#2 of 5 Old 07-31-2013, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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To clarify, I put my whole life on the line to be in this family- literally. I have been biding my time and waiting my turn, trusting that my chance to become successful and independent would come. Now, i see that I was completely naive and made a terrible choice to trust him so entirely. I could have chosen to put kids in childcare and put myself on a career track. Instead I stayed home and made every allowance for H to do that unhindered. I am not in my town or near my family. We chose to come here where he had more social and career network options. Now I think I have to just face the facts that I have no grounds for petitioning sole conservatorship. Nothing about him or his choices makes him any less than ideal for 50/50 in the eyes of the law. Nothing has been illegal or legally abusive. He has himself sitting in a position to look completely capable and perfect, and I could easily be spun to look like a vengeful displaced housewife. I have no grounds for fighting for sole custody that I can see. I am just a gullible unprepared housewife to any judge.

I am starting to feel strongly that I do need to get kids in school/daycare so that I can work on my own career path. Whether I'm full time at the natural foods co-op or in school working toward a degree, I see it as my best option to be best prepared for whatever the future holds. I feel like I would be foolish to make so little money at a part time job working only when H can watch kids. This would leave me zero wiggle room for creating my own independence and security. I feel like I just have to accept what I've brought onto myself and work hard to make it all promising without expecting or relying on STBX for anything.
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#3 of 5 Old 08-04-2013, 04:32 PM
 
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Yes - I would try to find quality childcare so that you don't feel dependent on him for childcare.  You want him to be a parent, not a babysitter.  And think of yourself too - do you want to be a full time teacher/homeschooler and spend your weekends working, while x gets to play and do all the fun weekend stuff?  If you have a right of first refusal and share weekend custody, then he could still possibly have the kids on the weekends if he likes while you work (but I would never have it written as an access schedule order).

 

I'd really try to ensure you get your fair share of weekends.  I just recently met a mom who is primary residence midweek parent....but her x has the kids EVERY weekend.  Her kids are in school all day.  I would hate that - moms can be just as fun and should have every right to have that role too.  And the kids deserve to have their time off school shared equally too...so they can go away camping with mom sometimes too! (or whatever is fun weekend stuff...)

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#4 of 5 Old 08-04-2013, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, we figured out a way for me to work (10 hrs/day x 3) fri-sun and keep homeschooling mon-thu. Since kids are so little and we are actually unschooling, there is basically no variation between weekdays and weekends in regards to access to fun stuff. Sound advice, though, otherwise. smile.gif
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#5 of 5 Old 08-04-2013, 06:31 PM
 
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Good to hear. Something to consider in your agreement for when they are older. Hope things continue to go smoothly!
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