Single Mamas By Choice - Page 17 - Mothering Forums

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#481 of 521 Old 03-17-2015, 05:11 PM
 
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most people I know didn't choose, and it makes me question if I have certain rights, like the right to complain or seek help... both I try not to do, I'm very grateful for my girls and I do everything I can alone, no government assistance or anything, it's just really stressful sometimes to carry all of the weight without an outlet.
Welcome Sl33pymom! Congratulations on your girls.

I hope you find the forum helpful. I feel this stress often, and feel that nobody understands IRL, so turn here and am very grateful the support exists.

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#482 of 521 Old 03-17-2015, 05:24 PM
 
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angeebaby, I am sorry to hear things didn't work out. Hope you can still be friends as it seems like you both get along well. What is the usual timeline/wait for fostering?

prescottchels, I find it hard sometimes to see old classmates having it all... career, husband, kids... I had to close my FB account so I don't get too negative. Echoing esg above and really hoping something happens soon. You do deserve it.

satori, how are things with your kids?

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#483 of 521 Old 03-17-2015, 07:51 PM
 
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. I always presented our family as mama, baby and grandma and made it a point to read books showing different families. In some ways I think I avoided books that showed a mom & dad family. Neither was really exposed to a "traditional" family and were raised to accept just about every possible configuration as that's what was around us. I was debating #3 this year and had already decided not to say anything until I had to if I went ahead with it. That said my oldest is now 14 and has high functioning Autism so that could have impacted why she's didn't ask about her donor. My 8yo hasn't asked either.



Satori, can you share what books you have without mom & dad families? We are around only traditional families so my dd feels keenly the lack of a daddy present.


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#484 of 521 Old 03-17-2015, 08:07 PM
 
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Satori, can you share what books you have without mom & dad families? We are around only traditional families so my dd feels keenly the lack of a daddy present.


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It's been years but a quick Google search found a few titles
http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/201...ingle-parents/
http://www.pragmaticmom.com/2013/09/...ingle-parents/

http://www.theguardian.com/education...enandteenagers

http://www.welcomingschools.org/page...ds-of-families

Children's Books with Single Parent families

The only one I really remember is Heather has 2 Mommy's be because my mother really flipped out when I bought it lol

Seriously?
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#485 of 521 Old 03-19-2015, 12:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Angeebaby, I have a couple donor contracts I can email you if you're interested in having your friend sign one, and if you do artificial insem, even if it's at home, that holds up in court better than if you get preggers by him the traditional way. The contract is to protect you both-for him to not get sued for child support and for him to not sue for custody or visitation. You can also have him waive his parental right once the child is born (it can't be done prior) and that w/a contract should be pretty solid to prove to anyone in the future there was no intent for him to parent and that it was a completely solid donor agreement/arrangement.

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#486 of 521 Old 03-19-2015, 02:56 PM
 
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Unfortunately, those aren't valid in az (or most states). The condition is that the sperm must be donated at a reproduction assistance clinic and then have a documented insemination. I have asked him to do that, he could have gone in and left a sample for me, they would have charged a nominal fee (that I would have paid, about $200, including washing and freezing) and then shipped it to my dr for an iui. He said no.

I'm also not willing to have someone come back and hit me up for child custody and potentially child support (costs are no longer just left for the father to pay). A man has a legal right to custody (if he files for paternity establishment) if conception is outside of the medical control. Just not worth the risk to me.

I also don't want him popping into my life when he sees fit. If I have a kid who asks if I know where their father is, I couldn't lie, and the door for him being around is opened. Just way too much trust and risk on the line for me.
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#487 of 521 Old 03-19-2015, 03:04 PM
 
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Girlspn- it takes about a month for classes to start, the classes are once a week for 10 weeks, plus a home inspection and then the homestudy. Once that is all done, the agency sends the license application to the state, they review all the collected info and then approve/deny the application, which is another 1-2 months. So when it is all said and done, its about 4-6 months. Thats why I'm figuring I will do both at the same time. If I have another 6 months of iuis and no bfp, well, it probably isn't going to happen, but I'll be ready to go (hopefully) for fostering.

Next, I have to start looking at donors again. That one is tough for me! I get so stressed about picking out the best health background I can.
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#488 of 521 Old 03-19-2015, 03:41 PM
 
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Out of curiosity - if you go the known donor route, but don't use a friend, what way do you recommend to find a good donor? Asking friends isn't an option - most would want a co-parenting situation or split custody which is not what I want. With DD everything just fell into place, so I never really had to hunt for a donor. From a bit of looking online, things aren't falling in to place as easily this time around. I joined a couple FB groups geared towards connecting donors / prospective moms, but only had a few nibbles & none local. I'm not picky at all really other than STD free - I just want a baby. My own health history isn't great, so I'm understanding if the donors isn't blemish free, KWIM?


Of course this is still all theoretical right now - I still need to work on my health before TTC #2 . But I did talk with my DD about the possibility, and she is very much for it.

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#489 of 521 Old 03-19-2015, 08:28 PM
 
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Prescottchels - I'm about to sleep, and all I can think of is how poorly you were treated by the foster agency. Meanwhile, kids are sleeping on the floor in office buildings and homeless shelters because they have no where to go. So irritating, frustrating.
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#490 of 521 Old 03-20-2015, 07:43 AM
 
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Frugalmama - I totally understand about the health thing. I don't think anyone has a perfect family health history. My concern is a double whammy of things I know run in my family and have them in a donor too. Just trying to mix up the genes a bit!

I know prescottchels mentioned a known donor website not too long ago, you might want to search back in the last couple months or pm her. I think for anyone you know in person, friend or not, there's more of a paternity/custody risk. Scary to me.
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#491 of 521 Old 03-24-2015, 06:46 AM
 
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Satori, thanks for those links. Did you ever bring up the subject of how they were conceived or wait for them to ask?

frugalmama--happy to hear your dd is for having a sibling!

angeebaby, that sounds like good planning. What is the age range of the kids you would be fostering?

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#492 of 521 Old 03-24-2015, 08:35 AM
 
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Satori - to start I will take newborn to 6 months. It will be hard to send them back home, but I'm willing to do that so I can be there for one that doesn't have another home to go back to.

Actually, even if I manage to get prego and have a kid, I would be open to fostering still for a second. Have to see where life leads me.
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#493 of 521 Old 03-24-2015, 05:48 PM
 
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Satori, thanks for those links. Did you ever bring up the subject of how they were conceived or wait for them to ask?
They have never asked to be honest.

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Satori - to start I will take newborn to 6 months. It will be hard to send them back home, but I'm willing to do that so I can be there for one that doesn't have another home to go back to.

Actually, even if I manage to get prego and have a kid, I would be open to fostering still for a second. Have to see where life leads me.
lol, I said the same, I got preggo with #1 while doing foster classes and thought oh! I'll still foster after having a baby, yeah right.... I had my hands full with my own and no way could have handled the additional time and issues that go into fostering I know where I was at you had to tote the kid all over and spent about 15 hours a week taking them to appts between counseling, visitation, behavioral stuff ect. Even now I don't have that kinda time

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#494 of 521 Old 03-28-2015, 06:09 PM
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My mom did foster care when my sisters and I were little. It was both good and bad. More good than bad but it's always had me on the fence. I'd love to adopt as J gets older though.

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#495 of 521 Old 03-31-2015, 09:54 AM
 
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Well I looked through the donor catalog and this time kept from over analyzing! The first one I looked at had the physical characteristics I am looking for and nothing shocking health background wise. I will order tomorrow. Feel relieved!
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#496 of 521 Old 03-31-2015, 09:35 PM
 
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Angeebaby, that's exciting! Congrats! When is your next try?


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#497 of 521 Old 03-31-2015, 11:13 PM
 
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Girlspn - I think ovulation will be April 25, probably within a day of that. Really excited to start again. Feels like a distant memory from when I was last trying. Also makes jt seem like the chance is slipping away the longer I wait.

I've been making friends, and made one in particular with another girl who was ttc for years, also helped raise her ex-partner's (gf) adopted kids. She's now considering fostering. She went w me to the fostering seminar I went to last week, which I totally appreciate. We have been only friends, and been hanging out 1-2 times a week for the last month. She went through a pretty emotional breakup a few months ago, and even tho my last gf and I didn't have much time together, I gelt very attached and sad about it ending, even tho it was my decision to end things. We've been talking a lot about our feelings surrounding ttc/kids, family relationships, and really just enjoying the time together with no pressure. But we both admitted tonight that we want more. It actually feels like its a non issue, we just speak so easily with each other, so we are going to go for it and made it official tonight. i feel so relaxed about the decision.

We are going camping Thursday, so that should be fun. Its nice to share the experiences we've had being single and ttc, just lots of things most people don't get. Very happy and optimistic
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#498 of 521 Old 04-01-2015, 01:08 PM
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That sounds like a really chill no stress relationship, Angeebaby. Have fun on Thursday! Hard to believe it's already April...

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#499 of 521 Old 04-01-2015, 03:45 PM
 
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Esg - I know! The time has flown!

Only thing I realized today, was the potential due date is January 15, but my 1 year anniversary at work will be Jan 12! I am cutting it close and wonder if I should wait out another cycle (this is for fully paid maternity leave). My cycles are short, so I'd only have another 3 weeks, but I have already taken months off waiting for this upcoming cycle! So long as I'd have no complications, it would work, but that is out of my control. Thinking, thinking.
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#500 of 521 Old 04-02-2015, 09:21 PM
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That's the hardest thing about due dates. You can't predict it in any way. I would say hold out for the next cycle even though I know I would struggle with it too. You just never know what could happen. The end of my pregnancy was a whirlwind not to mention my son came on the 10th when he was due on the 25, 23, 28, then before the day to be induced, the 11th. It was crazy. I don't know what I would have done if I was trying to make it to a certain date on top of the craziness. I just think it makes sense to skip the worry if you can get yourself to wait that little bit longer!

That's so hard though. My brain would screaming Now! Now! Lol.

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#501 of 521 Old 04-04-2015, 05:59 AM
 
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Wow, angee! How did camping go?

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#502 of 521 Old 04-05-2015, 01:27 PM
 
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Esg - I have another week before I have to place a shipment order. Will be thinking up til then. I think waiting a little longer wouldn't necessarily be bad either since I still have school through May. I am one of the "lucky" ones that feels pregnant (and instantly exhausted) at 4dpo hah.

Girlspn - camping was great! I had so much fun! I also forgot all my pillows and sheets, and spaghetti sauce for the spaghetti, and bacon for the eggs hah. I will have a better checklist next time. Here is a pic from where I was camping (this is not my pic, got it off google, but its exactly where I was at) https://heronwheels.files.wordpress....5/img_4021.jpg
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#503 of 521 Old 04-07-2015, 08:25 PM
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angeebaby, I was one of those "lucky" ones too. Fun times, right?
That's a beautiful camping spot. Makes me ready to get going. My son and I were picking out a new tent today. Hopefully I wont forget anything when we go

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#504 of 521 Old 04-08-2015, 01:37 AM
 
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Wow, what a beautiful camping spot!!


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#505 of 521 Old 04-08-2015, 01:39 AM
 
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Esg, how was it living with foster siblings (is that what it's called)?


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#506 of 521 Old 04-08-2015, 07:35 AM
 
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Esg - oh, I second girlspn, how was it from your perspective?

I know it'll be a longer wait, but I'm going to request 0-6months for ages. Unfortunately we have lots of drug using moms in this state, so there are plenty of newborns, even tho there might be some wait. At this point, I don't feel I have the parenting experience for kids that are older. Even toddlers are very advanced and have a certain routine/reaction/way of living in their worlds.
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#507 of 521 Old 04-08-2015, 07:36 AM
 
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Oh, and I decided to let my April cycle go. It'll be mid-May for me for sure.
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#508 of 521 Old 04-09-2015, 01:08 AM
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I hope Mid-May is your month. What made you hold off ?

Angeebaby, girlspn, it was both great, hard. My mother started when we were young so even though I don't remember all of the earlier ones, I mostly remember how it felt when they left. It's like having a sibling or really good friend for a while and then saying goodbye. I understood my mother's reasoning for it. She always had a heart for the children in incredibly disadvantaged situations and those were the ones (she told me later) that it was the hardest to let go because they go and it's not always the safest. She couldn't adopt them. There were of course really great times too so I don't hate that she did it. I just think it's really hard either way when you open yourself up for such a long period of time. My mom stopped for a while but picked it up when we were a bit older. I think we had a discussion about whether we all want to do it again or not and we did. We had a baby come in when I was, I think, early 20s or getting there. He stayed with us from birth through till he was nearly 18 months???, left a very little while and was back until he was talking well. We raised him, were going to adopt him and he had family pop up who got priority even though legally it was a huge mess. Court dates, crying, everything. It was bad. He was the closest we got to adopting, the second that I can remember that came as close. He was the last one. She used to talk about doing it again but said she was too old and couldn't take it. I can't take it either. I still think about them, remember some names and faces.

I would never say not to do it if you can handle it. I loved them all and I know my mother did but for a child it's hard to see it as temporary. You come to expect them there and I think as an adult with all the prep that you do and treating them like your own, you get attached whether adoption is possible or not. Its just easier on an adult, I think. Anyway, that was it for me. I loved it, it was hard, there was some bad times.

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#509 of 521 Old 04-09-2015, 04:01 AM
 
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Esg, thank you for sharing. Do you have siblings? What do you think a person needs to 'handle it'?

I've been thinking about expanding my family but not sure I want to ttc again. I thought for sure I would try for another full sibling with the same donor but now feel I don't mind if I don't birth another child if one just came to me. When I was younger I wanted to foster and/or adopt, but my ex partners all disliked the idea, so I had put it out of my mind. Now I am on my own I'm free to think about it.


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#510 of 521 Old 04-09-2015, 07:34 AM
 
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Esg - I don't want to wait, but I've waited this long to qualify for maternity leave, so it would suck if I gave birth 2 days early and end up losing that pay/time off. By waiting til my next cycle, I would have 3.5 weeks leeway (if I even get pregnant my first try).

Girlspn - I have had the same experience with guy partners saying they had no interest in adopting. Even when I was married. Even guys I just talk to about their thoughts seem to say the same thing. They seem to need/want that biological connection more than we as women do. Strange. I had seriously thought about it before I had gotten married and have thought about it since, probably the last 10+ years.

Esg - I think I would consider fostering kids so long as my own kids are young enough to only vaguely remember if a foster kid ends up leaving. As for my own toughness, I guess I really have to test it out to know. Thanks for sharing your experience, very insightful. That is my fear, to be on my way to adopting and at the last minute someone pops in out of nowhere. But I can totally empathise with the worse worry of them returning someplace not good. Lots to think about.
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