Single Mamas By Choice - Page 18 - Mothering Forums

Reply
 
Thread Tools
#511 of 540 Old 04-09-2015, 09:09 PM
esg
 
esg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
girlspn, this is just my opinion but depending on how you're going to do it, I think you need to be able to handle having to let them go even after a really long time of feeling like family. I would say it's easier if you can let yourself not become too attached until you're sure but who can really do that? You also have to be ready to handle your child however they end up dealing with it.
I have two sisters. One older and one younger and we're all within an 8 year period. I think we all dealt with it differently too.

Angeebaby, you're right. That would be the way to do it. Either young enough or old enough. I wish I could do it cause even just a little while of having a child in a better situation is good for them and the potential to adopt is wonderful but oh I just get so attached and I know my son is the same way so it has the potential end badly for us. Some people can love deeply and be okay after if it doesn't turn out so you may be one of those. One of my sisters seems to be a little more like that or she just hides it well.

Single mama by choice to sonbabyf.gif 2/2011.
I love showing my little sweetheart (now a busy preschooler!) the world!

esg is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#512 of 540 Old 04-10-2015, 07:28 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - how are adoptions if you are a citizen/living in China? Will they let you adopt as a single woman? That would be great if you could add to your family while you're there! That would give you and your girls permanence too.

I'm soooooo ready to start trying again. AF should arrive any time and its killing me that I'm skipping yet another cycle! I will just work super hard to completely clear my plate before mid-May.
angeebaby is offline  
#513 of 540 Old 04-10-2015, 05:37 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
angeebaby, it must be a relief to have made a decision, as hard as it is to sit still for a cycle. Hope you take it easy and rest up in preparation for the next one!

I think Hong Kong still considered a separate country from China re adoptions, and I would have to meet all the requirements as a person would from any other country. The biggest issue for me would be the cost and meeting the income requirement. I'm actually not a citizen of HK or China because I was not born here, so that might also complicate things.

I would consider local adoptions, but there aren't many children, and none are 'normal and healthy' according to the gov website. Still, I met a mom who adopted a local baby a few years ago and her baby was just adorable. I'm planning to go to an agency and attend workshops later this year to check out both adoption and fostering. I probably cannot do both due to space constraints.

The topic of adoption had briefly come up at a family dinner because my recently-married sister has always said she would like to have one and adopt one. My mother became very upset and she said 'adoption are for people who can't have their own children.' Gave me a glimpse into the challenge ahead if I were to seriously consider adoption.

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#514 of 540 Old 04-14-2015, 09:09 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - oh, I thought adoption might be easier there since you're living there, but yea, I can see that could make for some hurdles due to the citizenship. I wonder if you might be a preference for placement though ethnically. We do that here in the U.S. (just easier for the kid to transition), I know Vietnam and India have similar priority/preferences. That could maybe make things easier.

I'm finalizing the home in Hawaii now. I will rent it for now but I sort of daydream about it for raising a kid. Its just so much more clean and socially more peaceful. Just an option for the future. I want to get pregnant and deal with delivery or even adoption here before I'd consider moving tho.
angeebaby is offline  
#515 of 540 Old 04-14-2015, 03:36 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Yes, there is preference to place Chinese children with Chinese families.

That's exciting about a home in Hawaii! How are you managing to finalize when you aren't there?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#516 of 540 Old 04-15-2015, 07:16 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - most of the stuff is inspections, so I have to pay the inspector and they send me a report and call me. I might hire someone or have one of my neighbors to do a final walk through before it closes. Really all the paperwork is signed online, so you can be anywhere. Now I just need to not think about actually moving! That will be hard!

I was up super late 2 nights in a row now, hoping I make it through the day! Had so much fun w my gf. We went to go to a baseball game last night. We got there and I was like, where are the people? Turns out the tickets were for 2 weeks from now hah (her coworker gave her the tickets and said they were for the same night, neither of us checked)! Sooo, we went next door to a basketball game instead it was funny, especially since we were walking around w a baseball mitt!

I will be at a baby shower Saturday for her new baby niece. She was born this weekend after only 2 hrs of labor! Thats a dream delivery I want to have!
angeebaby is offline  
#517 of 540 Old 04-15-2015, 04:29 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Angeebaby, it must be nice to know you have a place you like and can see for raising a kid. Is the house in a location you know well? I'm still searching around here for a new apartment. My current place is a one-bedroom so doesn't quite work for fostering. School applications for next year are coming up for my dd, so I need to decide on a district by end of summer.

It sounds like you are having a blast with your gf!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#518 of 540 Old 04-15-2015, 05:23 PM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - yep, its a neighborhood I've lived in before. Its in a subdivision across the road from the old one actually and I have lots friends there. That's what makes it hard to NOT move quickly but its for the best for now.

How exciting that your daughter will already be starting school so soon! Is she excited? How do you feel about it?

New girlfriend is so sweet. I'm trying to just accept things as they come, but as excited as I get, I sort of anticipate something going wrong only cuz that has been my whole life history with people. That they are one way in appearance, but totally different once they let their guard down. But she just seems so different, very genuine, so I'm trying hard to not let the negative thoughts keep me from really enjoying this.

She is also very baby crazy, is really looking forward to fostering or adopting her own and is really supportive of my ttc plans. She shares time with her ex caring for the kids her ex adopted (ex's brother was unfit to parent). I think its a great sign that she's remained in the kids' lives since that breakup years ago. Really the positives outweigh the minor negatives so far. Only time will tell.

I think going into my ttc journey as a smbc has really given me peace in being solo and not really worrying about what will happen in a relationship. I'm ok either way.
angeebaby is offline  
#519 of 540 Old 04-17-2015, 05:51 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by angeebaby View Post

I think going into my ttc journey as a smbc has really given me peace in being solo and not really worrying about what will happen in a relationship. I'm ok either way.
This. It's been so liberating not having to rely on another person. That said, I still hope things go well with your gf, and you can have emotional support. Supportive of ttc/adoption plans is huge.

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)

Last edited by girlspn; 04-25-2015 at 07:00 PM.
girlspn is online now  
#520 of 540 Old 04-17-2015, 07:48 PM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - could you do westernized schools and then supplement with tutoring in Chinese? Do you speak English or Chinese at home? What about your family, what do they speak with you and your daughter? I understand the language concerns, but kids are little sponges.

Today I went full circle, again, with the possibility of using a friend as a known donor. I want to use a clinic tho so I can have the samples washed and frozen for use as I need them (he will be snipped soon), and it seems like there's a chance they want way more money and add more to the process. So frustrating. Ill fill in more details tomorrow, bummed about it tonight.
angeebaby is offline  
#521 of 540 Old 04-20-2015, 07:40 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Ok, problem solved about known donor. First, he already flaked on me once before, so he's already proven unreliable (I found a clinic he could go to then he said he didn't want to go to the clinic, after he did his std checks). Which is fine, he has the absolute right to change his mind at any time. But I just can't rely on him. I'm now $10k into the process, he would save me $1-2k at this point, so its not that much help. I'm only going to do another 4-6 tries and then moving onto ivf most likely anyhow.

A little frustrated that he popped back in out of nowhere too and added a bunch of stress. He said he was going to get snipped (which he said before) and asked if I was still interested. To me that's transferring his responsibility to his prior flakiness to me. As tho I'm the one who couldn't make up my mind. Deleting his messages and not really interested in speaking with him anymore.
angeebaby is offline  
#522 of 540 Old 04-22-2015, 02:32 AM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Sorry to hear about the difficulties with your known donor, angee. Glad to know it's resolved. What are the costs of using a known donor with a clinic vs purchasing from a sperm bank?

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#523 of 540 Old 04-22-2015, 02:35 AM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
I speak English to dd, and my family does a mix, so dd always responds back in English. She understands Chinese, though, but does not voluntarily speak. I remember being like that when I was first learning Chinese, and hated it when my family puts me on the spot to speak, so I don't force dd. I want to be able to communicate with my kids so I chose the language I communicate best in.

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#524 of 540 Old 04-23-2015, 03:51 AM
 
Springshowers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 3,205
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 116 Post(s)
I thought of you when I saw this article: http://m.newser.com/story/205799/cou...dad-visit.html
Springshowers is online now  
#525 of 540 Old 04-23-2015, 05:01 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Springshowers - yep! That has always been a concern of mine, which is why I've always done the sperm bank route and would still use a cryobank based in California w a known donor. Avoids any legal issues. That's why its not any cost savings to have his help at this point.
angeebaby is offline  
#526 of 540 Old 04-23-2015, 05:11 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - if you want to use a known donor through a cryobank, then they will run all the same tests and genetic background questionnaires that you get for an anonymous sperm donor. Only difference is you have to pay for all those things up front. So when you start adding up all the fees, it comes to about $2500-3000. Totally worth it if you do that from the start, because you could get 16-24 vials for that. But at this point I'd be spending that much money and only needing 3-4 vials, might as well just pay for anonymous ones, it'll be cheaper. However, if I did do the cryobank route, at least through the state of California, I'd be protected from surprise child custody/support issues.
angeebaby is offline  
#527 of 540 Old 04-23-2015, 05:17 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - your dd understanding spoken Chinese is a great advantage as it is. She will be able to speak it when she needs/wants to. I agree, adding pressure about the language might just turn her away from it too.
angeebaby is offline  
#528 of 540 Old 04-23-2015, 07:01 PM
esg
 
esg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Angeebaby, so you're going bank route now?

Single mama by choice to sonbabyf.gif 2/2011.
I love showing my little sweetheart (now a busy preschooler!) the world!

esg is offline  
#529 of 540 Old 04-24-2015, 07:49 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Esg - yea, I'm going to stick to the sperm bank.

Even if my friend was going to be a known donor, I was still going to involve the cryobank for legal/custody reasons. However, they will want to quarantine his sperm for 6 months (I'm not willing to wait 6 more months at this point) and I'd have to rely on him to show up again for a second std check at that time. Hes just unreliable, always has been. He was going to go do it all 2 years ago and then had a pissy fit that I didn't want to have sex w him. So he can keep his stupid sperm.

Funny thing is, now that the option is totally off the table, I think he is sad. He is getting snipped so he has his own feelings about never having more kids. I think me having his sperm helped him feel better about his own process.

I also am so close to his family, so I felt good about extended relatives and possible kids knowing who their donor was. But there's just too much baggage now.

Moving on.
angeebaby is offline  
#530 of 540 Old 04-24-2015, 03:16 PM
esg
 
esg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Much smarter going the way you're going. From the sound of it, him getting pissy about the bank and no sex and also getting snipped, sounds like he may have wanted to move in on the child more as time went on. It would have been much easier for him to assume parenting rights then. Did he know he would have less legal rights with the bank route?
esg is offline  
#531 of 540 Old 04-26-2015, 02:08 PM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Esg - nah, he wouldn't have. He wants to move in on me, not a kid. He is taking the much bigger risk of probably $1000++ a month in child support!

He is a good guy, his intentions are good, I just don't want to deal w it. However, if I want my own child and then depend on someone else to make it happen.. well I open the door to potential child custody issues on down the line. That would be on me and not him.
angeebaby is offline  
#532 of 540 Old 04-26-2015, 02:10 PM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Esg - I know, totally unrelated, but I love seeing your baby boy's pic as your avatar. Just so damn cute.
angeebaby is offline  
#533 of 540 Old 04-29-2015, 05:57 AM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
angeebaby, your known donor sounds flaky. Have you decided on a donor?

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#534 of 540 Old 04-29-2015, 09:30 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Girlspn - Yea, I let him know a couple weeks back, thanks but no thanks. And yes, I have a list of 4 donors and will just use whoever is available until (if) I get prego. Once I get pregnant, I will buy a few vials to keep as my own sibling reserves in case I ever need them.
angeebaby is offline  
#535 of 540 Old 05-03-2015, 09:25 PM
esg
 
esg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by angeebaby View Post
Esg - I know, totally unrelated, but I love seeing your baby boy's pic as your avatar. Just so damn cute.
Thanks!!

Single mama by choice to sonbabyf.gif 2/2011.
I love showing my little sweetheart (now a busy preschooler!) the world!

esg is offline  
#536 of 540 Old 05-03-2015, 10:51 PM
 
Satori's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Earth, I think, kids say Cybertron
Posts: 7,775
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 16 Post(s)
Downside to being an SMC, sitting in the ER alone with your sick kid waiting to find out if they need surgery. At least I sent my other child to my parents yesterday or this would be really unpleasant

Seriously?
Satori is offline  
#537 of 540 Old 05-04-2015, 07:42 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Satori - I'm very sorry! Which of your kiddos is ill? Hopefully surgery won't be needed and you can have everyone home together soon!
angeebaby is offline  
#538 of 540 Old 05-04-2015, 08:05 AM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Well i have been feeling slightly crampy and omg emotional (I'm not one to usually have much pms). AF should be arriving any time.

I filled out my foster care paperwork this weekend too for foster/adoption. I'm actually really excited about it. I think in the back of my head, ttc isn't going to pan out, so I'm feeling more excited about fostering than my upcoming cycle. Whatever will be will be.

I am also meeting an 8 month old little baby boy this evening. My friend is helping out her friend who is the baby's grandma and is currently fostering him. She thinks daughter in law will be miraculously able to take the baby back after drug rehab, and is unprepared/unwilling to adopt him. My friend is hoping that if I meet, grandma will recommend me to adopt should the need arise. I'm not counting on that happening, but you never know. Still, I am happy to meet him tonight
angeebaby is offline  
#539 of 540 Old Yesterday, 06:01 AM
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 16 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Satori-- how are things?

Angeebaby-- I'm excited for you re foster care! Really hope things work out. The earliest I can start is when dd2 turns 12 months old. Let us know how it goes meeting the little baby boy!

single mama to DD1 (June 2011) and DD2 (Dec 2014)
girlspn is online now  
#540 of 540 Old Yesterday, 01:21 PM
 
angeebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 387
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Well, I met him last night. Was not expecting to be so bowled over by this little boy. He has the most humongous happiest smile in the whole world! He is a big boy for 8 months, super strong and smart (he's been in daycare since birth, so he's been exposed to all the infant development toys, has them all figured out). He was soooo easy! Happy to be held, communicated when he was hungry, played well w my friend's 18 month old.

I met the grandma that is caring for him at the moment. Seems like the whole family is delusional about the reality the daughter is in. We found online that she has a pending case with 5 felonies, second offenses on 4 of them! I did some reading, I think she will get anywhere from 2.5-6 years. Her trial date (which can always change) is at the end of this month. Her family thinks she's in voluntary drug rehab and coming home for good in 4 weeks.

In the meantime, the grandma has decided since this will be only a couple weeks longer, that she doesn't need to do the foster parent classes. Against the advice of the social worker. In grandma's defense, she is in her 60s, works full time, is not in the best health, and you just look at her and see she is just exhausted.

she is waiting on word back as to whether the baby can stay AT THE DRUG REHAB CENTER with his mother. Yes, they actually will do this. But since she already left with him after she checked in the last time, they may not. Ultimately, the pending court date will be a bigger impact on what happens to him. If she is convicted and her prison term is long enough, her parental rights will be severed.

I will notify cps that I am willing to take him should he need a foster home. I'm not sure if the grandma has even thought about adoption being a possibility. She is still in denial. And as overwhelmed as she is right now, I can't see her saying she would do it. But she's afraid of him landing in a bad place, understandably.

I will throw my name into the hat and let the family know I'm available if they'd like, but ultimately, it will be their call since they are the blood relatives.

Happy, sad, eye opener of what I may be signing up for.
angeebaby is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off