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Single Parenting > Single Mamas By Choice
prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 10:47 AM 12-08-2013

The only experience I have is through what I've read of other people's experiences lol and some guys truly do just want to help a woman have a child w/o being involved and/or they want their genes out there in the world w/o the responsibility of raising a child themselves.

Soooo many people over the years have told me to just go down to the bar and find a good upstanding looking guy and hook up, but there can be a lot of ramifications going down that path... and they just don't think before they say stuff like that.... really they just don't know what they're saying. 

girlspn 12:47 PM 12-08-2013

You're right.. I don't think a person can understand unless they are in the situation or really think about it. The more I think about it, the more I think donor sperm is the better way (barring cost), because the donor and sperm has been screened. 


I've been browsing through donor profiles, and I'm learning a few things about myself. I started this without a clue even what race the donor should be (my dd is biracial). Interestingly, certain characteristics appeal to me more than others-- things that never even occurred to me before seeing these details in the profiles. 


Do you chart your cycles and know when you ovulate?

prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 05:46 PM 12-08-2013

I thought about physical characteristics a lot too. I really want a child that's more likely to have similar traits to me since I'll be a solo parent. So when I was searching the sperm banks I was scouring them for donors w/similar hair & eye color to me, which interestingly enough were few & far between!

I did chart my cycles for probably a solid year maybe 2 and it provided good insight so that I could figure averages because there was some variation every now & then to cycle length & O day. There's a great tool that can help as well & they have a free version, though the paid is better of course, but the free one is still nifty.

I also bought a big pack of ovulation predictor sticks on Amazon for cheap, but I think just knowing the span of days that were most likely to be fertile based on counting it out and also the physical signs that my body exhibts were/are predictor enough. 

girlspn 10:59 PM 12-08-2013

I'm sure your child would look somewhat like you no matter what. My daughter is mixed, and some people says she takes after me (some people says she looks nothing like me). Because of this, anything goes, although I lean towards darker skin tone.. my family has great preference for fair skin and I don't want my dd to feel inferior to a light-skinned sibling.


I have to get back to charting again.. I was doing so when I got my first ppaf, then this whole divorce issue came up and I stopped. 

girlspn 08:17 PM 12-15-2013

I've been researching on options.. there is no fertility clinic on the island I live on, which means I would have to do home insemination or fly to another island when I ovulate. The latter seems kind of tricky... 

prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 08:37 PM 12-15-2013

Yeah booking air travel to coincide w/ovulation.... headscratch.gif  not the easiest thing....  The trickiest part of home insem w/donor sperm is finding a bank w/a donor you want that will ship to a residential address.

girlspn 12:25 AM 12-17-2013

It seems I'd need to find a physician no matter what. The island where I live don't deliver to residential addresses, only PO Boxes. Another alternative is to take a few weeks off and stay at my sister's in a city with access to clinics that would be SMC-friendly.... I read IUI has much higher chance than at-home insemination. 


This is getting complicated..

prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 09:09 AM 12-17-2013

Lol Wow!! Sounds like the Universe is going to test you to see how badly you truly want another child... :wink   And you've completely ruled out the known donor route...?

girlspn 07:43 PM 12-17-2013

My 24 month old dd is getting to be a handful lately, making me wonder why I want another kid...


The known donor route would be better, but I don't have anyone right now. The couple of guys who would likely be okay live overseas. Another thing is I live in such a small community, everyone would know about it, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.


I'm planning to contact an infertility clinic that's 30-minute flight away and see if there are any options there. They do AI w/ donor sperm from the mainland.

girlspn 04:22 PM 12-21-2013

The potential legal issues that from using a known donor is scary to me. I'm jaded from my impending divorce. I never thought my husband would make the demands that he did, but he did. Open identity donors would be the best choice.. 


Now I need to choose a donor, decide on the method and when to start. I've got some business trips lined up next year until early July, then free for the rest of the year, so ttc would be a priority. My dd will be 3 years old next June, so the timing is ok. I couldn't have considered another child on my own just 6 months ago when dd was so attached to me. 


At first I was daunted my the potential costs of using a sperm bank, IUI, IVF... but now when I consider what my marriage and divorce cost me, a few cycles of IVF is nothing in comparison. Now I'm thinking about IVF procedure because of the higher success rate, and then freezing extra embryos for future use. This way any subsequent children would have the same father? Is that thinking too far down the line? Egg quality would also be better now than later... 


I did an egg donation back in 2005, so am familiar with the process. That donation resulted in OHSS, though. The result was 22 eggs for the couple.


Just thinking aloud here.. 

prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 07:14 PM 12-21-2013

It's understandable that you'd be a little jaded considering the divorce... I haven't been through that so it's different for me. And no, I don't think it's a bad idea to look down the road and have a plan in place for future sibs. I'd prefer my children to be full siblings as well so if you can do what it takes to make that happen I'd say go for it!

You've come a long way in the past few weeks! Sounds like you're in a better place and learning lots-Congrats!!

girlspn 05:12 PM 12-22-2013

Reading about other women's experiences have been very inspiring. Now that I know I can do this on my own, I no longer feel sadness or envy when I see pregnant women or other couples with babies. It used to be kind of hard. 


Yesterday, I told my sister about my divorce and my main regret was I wasn't/wouldn't be able to have another child. Her immediate response was 'well, now you have to find another dude to marry'.


I told her about SMC, and she was silent for a bit, and then she said, 'some people believe the definition of a family is a father, mother, and kids'. 


My family lives in Hong Kong, and it's not legal for single women or same-sex couples to do ART. The divorce laws make getting a divorce difficult I feel so lucky I'm a resident elsewhere. 

lrex99's Avatar lrex99 02:12 PM 12-26-2013

Hi SMC thread!  I'm once again going down the path of TTC on my own.  (have never been successful, so this is still for #1).  I'm trying IVF with an anonymous donor from a sperm bank.  I've had serious conversations with a few friends about being known donors, but none of us wanted the emotional complications. I know it works well for others, but it won't work in our case.  They are instead just going to be good friends and uncles.


Anyway, I wanted to say hi and wish you all well in your journeys!

farmermomma's Avatar farmermomma 04:24 PM 12-26-2013
Hi welcome Irex99. Anonymous donor makes a lot of sense to me. It would have to be just the right situation for a known donor. The reason I'm most interested in a known donor is that I already have children that know their father. The donor I would use already has children as well so he knows what he is getting into emotionally as well. Anyway welcome if you have any questions to work through this is a great place to do it.
prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 05:42 PM 12-26-2013

Welcome Irex!!
Do you have your donor selected and an IVF date set yet?

lrex99's Avatar lrex99 09:05 PM 12-26-2013

Thanks, FarmerMomma and Presottchels! The RE is going to jump start my period in January (I'm guessing it won't start before then) and will be starting the IVF process when AF comes.  I picked my donor from a cryobank and ordered my two vials already.  :)  I'm excited and impatient. 


FarmerMomma - I'm glad you found a good KD - I think if the dynamics were different with my friends it may have worked, but they want their own kids so it was complicated.  But I think I picked a good AD, so I'm happy.  And with IVF I only need two vials, so that's just a tiny cost of the whole event.


Prescottchels - sending positive vibes for your fingers crossed for a BFP.:goodvibes


Have a great weekend!

girlspn 06:35 PM 12-28-2013

Hello lrex99! I can sense your excitement :) Hope things go well!! Please do share your experiences with IVF.  Happy holidays!

lrex99's Avatar lrex99 03:53 PM 12-30-2013

Thanks, girlspn - I am definitely excited and will share my journey.  Thanks for the greeting.  Happy Holidays!

girlspn 12:58 AM 01-09-2014
Should I ask my ex husband if he wants to be the donor? Or would that be too complicated? We still live together and on good terms.. I have sole legal custody of our dd because he is moving out of the country soon. It would be nice if my dd's sibling had the same dad.

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prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 12:51 PM 01-09-2014

girlspn-at first thought it makes me cringe, but if you and ex-dh are on good terms it's not the worst idea I've ever heard by a long shot lol you would just need to make a contract up stating expectations/responsibilities for the new baby & know that if you're in the US having sex to create a baby does have legal ramifications for both parents. As in should you apply for state assistance like food stamps or health insurance they'll want to know who the father is and make sure that he is paying child support in order for you to continue your application for benefits, AND the father can petition the court for custody and/or visitation at any time. BUT if you conceive a child via artificial insemination (even if you do it yourself at home) the govt can't make the "father" pay child support, nor is it likely that custody will be granted. And it's not til after the child is born that the father can legally terminate his parental right even if you both sign a contract stating that fact during pregnancy. 
So all that to say, only you know your relationship and if you can anticipate any of these issues arising in the future... 

girlspn 06:16 PM 01-09-2014

prescottchels, thanks for all that info!!! I will give it more thought... I guess the only benefit of my ex husband being a donor is that I know his health history. Other than that, all the same legal issues as any known donor.. 


I found a fertility doctor on my island!!! SO excited that I can potentially do this without flying. I just had my 3rd post partum period and the 2nd cycle was 31 days. Pretty sure I ovulate. I'm hoping to be able to start TTC in March... 

fillefantome's Avatar fillefantome 06:20 PM 01-09-2014
girlspn, I'm not opposed to creating nontraditional/complicated families--with love and intention. My KD is a close friend, and the plan is that, even though we won't be co-parenting and he lives quite far away from me, if/when I have a baby, he'll go by Dad and have a relationship with the kid (more than "Uncle J"). We've even discussed the possibility that he'd take the kid if something happened to me.

That said, the complication I see in asking your ex to be a donor is that if he has a "dad" relationship with your dd (even if it will be long-distance, since you said he's moving out of the country), but wouldn't have one with your new baby and would be just "the donor," that seems like a pretty hard thing to explain to your two kids. I think your second kid might feel really hurt and have trouble understanding/accepting the different role your ex had with him/her than with your dd when they are both biologically his.
prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 07:27 PM 01-09-2014

girlspn-the other nice thing about using ex-dh as donor would be having full siblings...

And what fillefantome brings up is an interesting thing to ponder & have a conversation about for sure! 

Welcome fillefantome!! 

girlspn 10:00 PM 01-09-2014

fillefantonie-- that is a good point, thank you. He would only be seeing us 1-2x a year at most. Although if something happened to me, I would want the kid(s) to go to their grandparents on my side.. 


For those of you who have/will have kids via donor sperm, why did you choose this over adoption? I recently discussed having another child with my sister, and she asked me why I don't consider adoption. 

lanamommyphd07's Avatar lanamommyphd07 10:23 PM 01-09-2014

Good to see a SMC thread going! It's hard to find "single parent" threads that aren't full of regrets and woes and anger about exes!


I created my dd (6) with donor sperm (IUI)--She's got 13 donor sibs so far that have registered on the's been a great resource, and so much fun to meet the other kids.


If I were a bit younger and flush with cash, I would have gone completely octomom with more of them....but alas, raising kids alone is a little tricky! Doable, but oh-so-tricky!


For those who are considering anonymous sperm--in the ART world this is becoming and less and less okay. Lots of recent research about the well-being of the kiddos suggests using open ID donors is the way to go. A couple of months after my daughter was born I ran across those recommendations, and was like "oh yeah. crap. hadn't really considered that ", but then our anon. donor revealed himself and so I'm off the hook! Whew!

lanamommyphd07's Avatar lanamommyphd07 10:25 PM 01-09-2014
Originally Posted by girlspn View Post


For those of you who have/will have kids via donor sperm, why did you choose this over adoption? I recently discussed having another child with my sister, and she asked me why I don't consider adoption. 

I wanted the experience of growing one myself. It was a piece of life I'd always looked forward to.

prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 10:45 PM 01-09-2014

Welcome lanamommyphd!!! So fun to have newcomers to our lil group!

girlspn I have considered adoption quite a lot, actually, even before I decided to be a SMC, but circumstances as well as the money have never been quite right. I've always had housemates or lived in such small places I'd never pass a home study for starters.... and I think I'll do it one of these days, BUT I also really want the experience of being pregnant & giving birth. 

girlspn 01:47 AM 01-11-2014

Hi lanamommyphd! Thanks for that insight about anon vs open donor sperm. The donors I'm considering are only anonymous... I will have to think harder about this and widen my search. 


prescottchels, I also wanted to adopt previously when we were having trouble conceiving. But my ex was very against it so I never thought about it again. I do think part of my strong bond with my dd is the pregnancy, so I hope to conceive a sibling for her.  


I booked an appointment at a fertility clinic next Tuesday! I'm glad a clinic exists... it's new and their website isn't even up yet. I hope the doctor will be okay with SMC... 

girlspn 08:40 PM 01-13-2014
Visited the fertility clinic today, and the doctor was super nice. IUI is also surprisingly inexpensive, so I will start with that. The issue now is the logistics of getting the sperm shipped here in time. My next cycle will probably start end of Jan, so potentially mid-February for the IUI. I'm currently looking at California Cyrobank. So happy that I can finally take steps to add to my family.

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prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels 08:46 PM 01-13-2014

girlspn-so glad to hear things are progressing so smoothly! fingersx.gif

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