On my way to being a single parent - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 08-27-2013, 03:39 PM - Thread Starter
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This marriage has had its good times but the unhappy/stressful times outweigh them 100 fold. I told H earlier this summer that if I had a full-time job I wouldn't still be here. He offered to go to counseling. I agreed, knowing that he views mental health treatments as a sham (I also suffer from clinical depression that is only managed with meds) and that he does not see himself as having any responsibility for our problems. Last Friday was our appointment. I got a real sense during the session that the counselor saw things for what they really are--she requested that he have several separate sessions before I come back into the picture. He made the appointments and I spent the weekend thinking this was a step in the right direction. He was away for the weekend for his cycling (one of the issues).


Yesterday, he comes home from work (first time seeing him since Friday night) and asks me to talk. He then proceeds to tell me that he thought about it and has decided that this isn't working and counseling will not help. He'd already seen a lawyer and that I should expect to be served papers by the end of the weak. Then he handed me his wedding band and went up to his office.




As of this moment, he has not made arrangements to move out and plans on staying here until he has a new place. That's fine. I sleep on the sofa most nights anyway. But he thinks we can just continue eating as a family, etc.





I feel like I've been clubbed over the head. I really was thinking we were headed in the right direction. Now I know that one doesn't just show up at a lawyer and get this all set up in one appointment. Turns out he had already seen the lawyer before our appointment. I'm thinking that when the counselor didn't just say that he was right and the problems are all in my head (which he feels) that he decided it would be easier to divorce me than go for the counseling.


Again, WTF?



Oh, and tomorrow (Wednesday) is our 20th anniversary. We've got three kids: a 16yo DD, 12yo DS, and a 9yo DD.

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#2 of 3 Old 08-27-2013, 07:38 PM
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Oh that sounds so,so hard.  My heart breaks for you.   hug2.gif


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#3 of 3 Old 08-27-2013, 07:51 PM
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That is terrible especially after making you think he might be able to work through things with counselling. Maybe though he knew it wouldn't change things. Or that he wasn't willing to change.

It's great you were willing to give it a try, but given how unhappy you were before it sounds like moving on without him as your partner is the best thing for you too.

Can you sit with him and talk next steps yet? Even if you stay in the house short term obviously you won't want to spend much time together.


It is hard but many of us here left similar situations and were MUCH happier on the other side. The transition is hard, but it is worth it.

You might want to think about gathering important documents together (birth certificates etc) and also getting proof of any money and investments either of you have. It will all be important. Also make sure you have some money in just your name so you can't be left with nothing while things are worked out. Any money is likely 50/50 but holding onto control of some is really important. Some people here are years post separation and still having money withheld. It can make life really hard.

If he is already far enough along to have legal papers prepared then he has probably thought through how EVERYTHING will work. Don't sign anything and make sure you get your own legal representation.

Sorry this is happening to you. Being angry is fine. I think anyone would be in your shoes. Just work with the energy to get all the things done you need to do.
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