Moving for Love - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 10-14-2013, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 23, i am originally from a small town in PA. When i turned 18 i rebelliously moved to Arizona. I have been here 5 years, and I was in a relationship out here 3 of those years. We have a 9 month old daughter, however we are no longer together and i never see that happening. I moved out of the house with the baby into a house with my mother and step father. They are semi-reliable, constant marital issues, drug abuse, fighting. That is all I have here in Arizona, my mother and my daughters father. The rest of my family is on the east coast. 
I have wanted to move back for a long time. But my best friend of almost 8 years, the person i am now madly in love with, is my main reason to move. I don’t know if this is a rational decision or not. I am moving to find happiness; I am uprooting my life because i am MISERABLE out here…He was the light at the end of my tunnel, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.. I am turning to this page to ask for input. I, personally, am 100% behind my decision; Arizona is not. My family back east, they are beyond excited. BUT….am I doing it for the right reasons? 

Out here I have a good paying job, I got my college education, I have no car, roughly two or three friends, and constant issues with my daughter’s father, and the babysitters, I am unhappy, and again I always wanted to move home. 

Out there, I have all of my family, the love of my life, whom has a good paying job, a home to move into with him, and the life insurance my grandfather left me. He assures me he is financially stable enough to get my daughter and I through any financial hurdles and if I can not find a job in time. He is great with my daughter, they have met twice and she was infatuated with him. I don’t EXPECT him to be a father to her but he wants to take that role, and so do I. 

The catch where I am unsure is.... Do I pack up my daughter and I and move back home? Am I making the right decision? How am I going to find out if I do... You have to learn from mistakes right? I feel trapped in Arizona, I am living for everyone else. When do I get to live for ME? My daughter is young enough that she would not remember the move. I have to consider her father too. He beat me once when she was 7 months old and that’s why I moved out. I will NEVER get back with him. Do I stay here so he can see his daughter? Or do I move back East with full confidence and if it doesn’t work out between my best friend and I…..At least I am finally home right? 
I would appreciate anyone who has any input for
 
 
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#2 of 6 Old 10-15-2013, 12:01 AM
 
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Do you have a custody agreement with her father?  You may not be allowed to move with your daughter unless he agrees (and you could get into serious trouble and maybe lose custody if you move your daughter out of state without notifying him/the courts in some cases)  You will have to prove that the move will be good for your daughter, not you, and having a new boyfriend will not count.

 

I think it is taking a big risk to move out there without a job or a place to live besides with your bf.  What would you do if things don't work out between you?  Do you have enough savings to support yourself and your daughter just in case?  If you are allowed to move, you may have to take your daughter back to AZ for visitation, possibly for long periods of time to make up for the loss of proximity-can you afford that and are you willing to do that?

 

I've lived in the same area my whole life, and I would love to have the option of picking up and leaving and showing my kids a different part of the country.  However, I definitely can't afford and don't want to do the extended summer/holiday visits and ex would never agree to my moving the kids away, so I'm stuck here for the next 15 years or so.  Luckily, my family lives here too, and I know how important that can be and how tempting that must be to you.

 

Definitely look into the legal issues before you do anything-I hope it works out for you wherever you end up!


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#3 of 6 Old 10-15-2013, 10:00 AM
 
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I spent 6 years in anther country and was so happy to move back near family. Being close to all your family would be enough of a reason to do it for me. The new relationship would just be a nice (and very welcome) bonus!

I think it is likely you would need to get court permission to go.
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#4 of 6 Old 10-16-2013, 10:54 AM
 
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you said constant issues with your daughter's father? what type of issues? Is he a regular part of her life? Also are you ready to lose her for weeks or months at a time so that she can go back and visit her father when you move?

 

Don't move without getting permission from courts. You could jeopordize your parental rights by doing so. Your daughter was born in AZ, that is her home state, tread carefully.

 

One a side note, no I would never move that far away from my ex so that he could not see our kids, especially for another man. I few hours away is one thing, but the move you are talking about is huge. 


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#5 of 6 Old 10-16-2013, 03:02 PM
 
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If your ex makes any attempts to see DD, moving without his "blessing" could be devastating for you. Just yesterday I read a disturbing account of a woman who was on vacation at her parent's house in another state when her DH filed for divorce, and the Court accused her of fleeing with the children and granted him full custody. The youngest child was less than a year old.

 

You describe having constant issues with the baby's father, so it doesn't even sound like you could slip away in the night and not have him notice you're gone. Arizona has specific reporting requirements for relocating. http://www.azleg.gov/FormatDocument.asp?inDoc=/ars/25/00408.htm&Title=25&DocType=ARS 

 

If you think he will object to the move you can petition the court to allow the move. Even if he doesn't respond, you'll have to give the court a "good reason" for the move. I doubt that "love" is viewed as a "good reason," and going out there without a job probably doesn't look too good either. If you think he might go along with it, the best option is to come to a written agreement with him to specify that you mutually agree to your relocation. You won't have the same high standard to justify the move if he agrees to it versus being Court ordered.

 

Technically the reporting requirements may not apply to you if there is not a Court order allocating him parenting time or decision making rights for the child, but that doesn't mean he can't file for parenting time the day after you leave, putting you in a serious bind. Even if there isn't a Court order for custody now, Arizona law applies to you until you become a resident of another state (oftentimes, you'll have to live in that state for 6 months before they will allow you to file for custody in that state).

 

So, count this as another vote to be careful.


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#6 of 6 Old 10-16-2013, 04:42 PM
 
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If you are determined to move, I would advise you to talk to a family law attorney in Arizona.  Some states allow the custodial parent to move fairly easily.  Other states do not.  If there is an agreement on visitation, if you move and take the child, some states actually consider if kidnapping if you do not have permission from the courts to move they will put out warrants for a parent's arrest.  Other states assume that if the move is good for the custodial parent, it is good for the child.

 

Now whether you SHOULD move is an entirely different question.  I believe that both parents are very important to the child and if the non-custodial parent wants to be involved in the child's life he or she should be allowed to (provided there are no danger issues.)

 

PP are right, if you move and the baby's daddy wants to be involved, your child will have to go back to Arizona for visitation on a regular basis.  Since you moved, you will be required to pay at least half the travel cost and possibly all of it.

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