Should I stay or should I go? - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-30-2013, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been posting here for years, but I'm posting this under a new profile because I would rather stay anonymous.

 

I'm feeling really over my relationship.

 

I'll start with the history and the good things:

 

We have been together for about 6 years now (not married), lived together for almost 5 years. We have a DD who is about 1.

 

He's very supportive of my parenting philosophies (co-sleeping, natural birthing, full-term breastfeeding, not vaccinating, etc...). So much so that I worry about not finding someone again who will be so supportive of everything (you should have seen him at my birth center birth). He's a very good dad- he'd go to the ends of the earth for our DD and always makes her know how loved she is. He's very supportive of my goals (to be a doula and eventually a midwife). Our relationship started with us being really good friends- I've always been able to talk to him about anything, he's really understanding, he's helped me through some very rough events in my life (deaths, etc...).

 

Now the not-so-good.

 

He deals with depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. I've tried to help him as much as possible, but I really feel he needs professional help and since he hasn't had insurance since we've met, he hasn't got it. I've done what I can to try to help him find low-cost help and other resources but it's mostly been for nothing. He's very capable of making a lot of money but hasn't in years. The longest he has held a job since I've been with him was a year. Currently, he's been out of work for nearly 18 months. He got laid off while I was pregnant, of course I freaked out, and he assured me it would be fine. He didn't get work...two weeks before our DD was born I about had a nervous breakdown. He assured me it would be fine...then didn't get work. Fast forward a year, his unemployment benefits just ran out (they weren't helping much anyway but without them we're basically screwed) last month. I told him at the beginning of the month he needed to find work immediately, whatever kind he could, in order to pay the rent because I couldn't/wouldn't pay the rent for November on my own. It's the 30th now, do I even need to say that he doesn't have work? I've seen him looking on Craigslist once or twice, but he hasn't gone searching, filled out any applications, or written any emails.

 

I'm just over it. It may sound selfish but I'm tired of taking care of him. I have so many goals in life and they've basically been lying stagnant for years. I can't travel because all of my extra money goes to cover expenses since I don't get much help with them (currently no help...I'm covering all expenses for our family of 3 and I do NOT make that much. We're behind on everything). I can't go to midwifery school (or school at all), because again, all of my extra money is being spent. Our house costs too much (he won't live in an apartment, and we can't have less bedrooms because he needs a place all his own to go, and I need a place for him to go, too, really). If it was just me and DD, I could get a 1 bedroom apartment that would cost less than half of what our house costs, and actually start saving up some money (I haven't had a cent in savings in over a year).

 

It's not just money although that's the main issue. We have other issues, too...his high sex drive and the fact that I have absolutely no sexual attraction to him anymore (mostly due to resentment, because there have been so many times over the years where I have completely supported him while he's been completely ungrateful/an a-hole). I finally told him we could have an open relationship so he could meet his needs elsewhere, but for whatever reason, he never goes through with it (guilt maybe?) and continues to resent me for his lack of sex. I have a lower sex drive, but it's not dead- I am attracted to other people. I WANT to have sex. I just...don't want to have sex with him.

 

We can't communicate very well anymore. He constantly makes sarcastic, rude comments, and when I get mad, it's my fault ("Why can't you take a joke?", "You're no fun anymore"). He does NOT clean but gets upset over me not taking the recycling out, not getting the laundry done, dishes piling up, etc (mind you, he stays home and I work full-time). He can find something to get upset about in any situation, literally all day long, he nags or complains about something. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells because he's just impossible to live with. He's just not a very happy person...I've spent a long time feeling bad for him because of that but now I'm just kind of feeling bad for myself, because I feel like I used to be a much more cheerful person and he's just bringing me down.

 

I'm just wondering if it's time to just say enough. It's hard because we've been together since I was a teenager. He's the only very serious relationship I ever had. I will say that it's always kind of felt like it wouldn't be a forever thing- it's always felt a little unstable, and I've even discussed that with him before, how I always feel like I'm waiting for it to end.

 

I'm not really afraid of being a single mother. I don't really know what he would do- at this point he has no money, no car, no job, and nowhere to go. It would be a little tougher not having him to help with DD, but not so much so that it would make a huge difference, and he usually makes me feel guilty if I ask him to do something anyway. I'm a little afraid of being alone, but at the same time, I'm kind of ready to be alone for a while.

 

If you've read this all, thank you! I don't even know what I'm looking for. Some been there, done that? Some advice? Some reason why I may NOT want to end it (besides the fact that I never wanted my DD to have her parents split up, I was always determined to make it work for her)? I have very few people I can talk to about this, since my family and friends all know him very well and most of our friends are OUR friends, not just mine, so I just needed to get it all out.

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Old 10-30-2013, 09:22 PM
 
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He sounds abusive. I would get out if there. He doesnt work but expects,so much from you? Thats no way to live.
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Old 11-01-2013, 09:15 AM
 
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This doesn't sound like a good way to live. I'd get an apartment and at the very least call it a trial separation. If he gets his act together with employment and becomes a better partner perhaps consider reuniting.

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Old 11-02-2013, 05:57 PM
 
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Hugs!!! You are starting to hit markers for an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. I agree with the above poster; try a trial separation but be prepared to be a single mom. Feel free to pm me for encouragement/help finding resources/anything. Do what's best for you and your child!

Theatre-techie at heart, married to a theatre-techie hubby,and mama to an incredible baby girl, (h20homebirth.gifJan 14, 2012) and expecting a surprise in July 2014!  We are having a blastbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif, andfemalesling.GIF.
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:01 PM
 
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You can do it mama

Theatre-techie at heart, married to a theatre-techie hubby,and mama to an incredible baby girl, (h20homebirth.gifJan 14, 2012) and expecting a surprise in July 2014!  We are having a blastbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif, andfemalesling.GIF.
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Old 11-03-2013, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you mamas. <3 I haven't worked up the courage to do it yet, but I've been making plans and looking for apartments in the area. I'll probably continue to post here under this username for a while.

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Old 11-04-2013, 06:47 AM
 
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"It may sound selfish but I'm tired of taking care of him."

 

That's how far I read. And I didn't read the paragraph before it very closely.

 

If you don't want to take care of another adult, don't do it. That's the first thing that came to mind. 

 

Then I read comments and saw what others said, and then I went back and read the rest of it.

 

You get to do what you want to do, for whatever reasons you have. I guess my only point in posting is that even without the "supporting evidence" (which I agree is at the least unhealthy, but skewing toward abusive), you feel like a caretaker for another adult and this is limiting you in your own path, and you don't have to continue with that if you don't want to. 

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