help and advice please, ds said xdh bought a gun! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 11-24-2013, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ds informed me today that xdh has bought a gun. He said he showed it to him and dd while they were at his house last time they were there. I was completely alarmed. xdh just returned from his home country where for 2 weeks i he was told by his parents that he has to remarry me etc and etc. Now he has been back for 8 days and has bought a gun. I asked ds what kind and ds said the kind like police have. I don't know what to do or if i should be alarmed, confront xdh about showing and letting our 2 and 7 olds handle the gun. Ds totally volunteered this information. When I acted upset about him touching the gun ds said it was not loaded and that xdh would be buying bullets planned to buy bullets yesterday. Or what? xdh has been violent in the past and has threatened me, but there are no DV charges or anything. We live a mile apart and of course i just started dating someone new 2 weeks ago and I am flipping out because I don't want to scare the new guy i am dating.  In all honesty i am scared. I have to deal with xdh on a regular basis due to the kids. 

 

Advice anyone? I realize this is more than one issue 1) xdh letting the kids handle a gun 2( me being scared that he owns one....


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#2 of 10 Old 11-24-2013, 04:50 PM
 
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Oh, I am so sorry. This sounds like a scary situation. Are you scared for yourself, the kids, or both? 

 

Even if you never filed DV charges, you could talk to your PD to see if anything can be done to protect you. I'm not sure about confronting him if he's been violent.

 

This would be a good time to educate your children about gun safety so that they know how to keep themselves safe when they are over there.


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#3 of 10 Old 11-24-2013, 05:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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scared for myself and my kids. Someone close to me who was about 13 at the time stole their grandfathers antique gun and the grandfather did not know it was loaded or stolen, my relative then gave it to a friend, the friend was playing with and accidently shot and killed his younger brother. This is very scary in many ways, if xdh does not let me know soon he owns and that it is properly locked away I may have to confront him. Last week he drove by my house after texting me "I am guessing you have a date tonight since you left so fast when you dropped off the kids"...My son let me know they drove past and didn't see my car. Last year attended counseling at a dv shelter and now I am back at the the darn drawing board again feeling this great pit of fear. Fear myself and for my kids when they are over there. I do not know the laws in my state about guns but I will have to look them up. My ex is also acting unusually distant, he normally tries to talk to me, etc but he is not engaging much at all. As much as I don't like engaging with him, having normal conversations etc, when he withdraws then that means something is going on. 


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#4 of 10 Old 11-24-2013, 08:41 PM
 
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Are there no laws about allowing children to handle firearms, even unloaded ones? That just seems like the sort of things there would be laws about... Definitely check out the gun laws in the area.

 

Also- what is his immigration status? If he's not a citizen, make sure there's nothing that would prevent him from owning firearms/etc- and if there is, contact USCIS about who to report him to.


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#5 of 10 Old 11-25-2013, 02:44 AM
 
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scared for myself and my kids. Someone close to me who was about 13 at the time stole their grandfathers antique gun and the grandfather did not know it was loaded or stolen, my relative then gave it to a friend, the friend was playing with and accidently shot and killed his younger brother. This is very scary in many ways, if xdh does not let me know soon he owns and that it is properly locked away I may have to confront him. Last week he drove by my house after texting me "I am guessing you have a date tonight since you left so fast when you dropped off the kids"...My son let me know they drove past and didn't see my car. Last year attended counseling at a dv shelter and now I am back at the the darn drawing board again feeling this great pit of fear. Fear myself and for my kids when they are over there. I do not know the laws in my state about guns but I will have to look them up. My ex is also acting unusually distant, he normally tries to talk to me, etc but he is not engaging much at all. As much as I don't like engaging with him, having normal conversations etc, when he withdraws then that means something is going on. 

 

That is scary. I think you should definitely contact the police in your area to let them know what is going on. A recent gun purchase and a behavior change, along with a violent history, should be red flags for them. They probably cannot take any action against him based on any of this, but they could give you some ideas about how to protect yourself, and patrol your neighborhood more frequently. And if you ever need to make a call, they will already know the history.


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#6 of 10 Old 11-25-2013, 11:09 AM
 
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30 states in the US have no minimum age for owning a gun and 22 have no minimum age for possessing a gun (some restrict possession of certain types of guns only). I believe a diligent gun owner not only locks up their weapon, but also educates their children on the safe handling of a gun. So given my bias, on the front of allowing a 7-year-old to handle an unloaded gun with supervision, I'm not immediately alarmed by that in itself, assuming it was for the purpose of teaching safe handling and "this is a deadly weapon, not ever a toy, and you shouldn't ever touch any gun unless you ask a parent's permission first."

 

This doesn't sound like a simple case of safety instruction. If he has a history of violence and you have a well-founded fear that he may intend to threaten harm or inflict harm upon you (or your children or your new DP or anyone else) I would contact your local law enforcement to confirm what steps you can take to protect yourself just in case. If the police give you the brush-off, I might be inclined to inform not only your new DP but also your neighbors that--while there's not necessarily a threat--you want to make sure they pay attention to anything that seems off in the neighborhood. I might even be tempted to warn his employer.

 

I am very alarmed by the idea of "confronting" someone you fear as violent. Leave confrontation to someone else. Look up your state to find out if it's something your local authorities can address as far as the children's possession is concerned - http://smartgunlaws.org/minimum-age-to-purchase-possess-firearms-policy-summary/ . Report what you know to child protective services.


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#7 of 10 Old 11-29-2013, 07:00 AM
 
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I know you have trauma issues with violence but the gun itself is not a HUGE issue to me.  And the kids handling a gun isn't a huge issue to me either.  My ex owns 2 and our girls are 13, 8, and 5 and they have all held them unloaded with the safety on.  First words out of my youngest daughter's mouth?  "Daddy, this is too heavy.  Take it back."  :)  My 13 year old has been to the range with him but he only brought the .45 so she didn't fire it because that's WAY too much firepower for an 80lb child.  But if he brought something small, I would have been okay with it.  He's an expert marksman and he's taught all of our children gun safety and the weapons are stored unloaded with the safety on in a safe that only he knows the combo too.  I would rather my children be educated in gun safety than be completely clueless as to what weapons can do and think they are toys that won't hurt or kill someone.  I wouldn't flip out quite yet.  I would ask him his plan for keeping the weapons away from the kids and tell him how uncomfortable you are with weapons.  Maybe he'll set your mind at ease for why he purchased it.  Maybe it's innocent.  But don't get yourself upset until you know for certain what the deal is.  I wasn't really a fan of my ex getting a gun either despite his military history and expert marksmanship but he's shown me over the last 2 years how responsible he is with  them and how it's NEVER been an issue for our kids.  


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#8 of 10 Old 11-29-2013, 07:29 AM
 
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I know you have trauma issues with violence but the gun itself is not a HUGE issue to me.  And the kids handling a gun isn't a huge issue to me either.  My ex owns 2 and our girls are 13, 8, and 5 and they have all held them unloaded with the safety on.  First words out of my youngest daughter's mouth?  "Daddy, this is too heavy.  Take it back."  :)  My 13 year old has been to the range with him but he only brought the .45 so she didn't fire it because that's WAY too much firepower for an 80lb child.  But if he brought something small, I would have been okay with it.  He's an expert marksman and he's taught all of our children gun safety and the weapons are stored unloaded with the safety on in a safe that only he knows the combo too.  I would rather my children be educated in gun safety than be completely clueless as to what weapons can do and think they are toys that won't hurt or kill someone.  I wouldn't flip out quite yet.  I would ask him his plan for keeping the weapons away from the kids and tell him how uncomfortable you are with weapons.  Maybe he'll set your mind at ease for why he purchased it.  Maybe it's innocent.  But don't get yourself upset until you know for certain what the deal is.  I wasn't really a fan of my ex getting a gun either despite his military history and expert marksmanship but he's shown me over the last 2 years how responsible he is with  them and how it's NEVER been an issue for our kids.  


Does your ex have a history of violence and threatening you or your children? If not- it's hardly the same situation. 

 

The OP also didn't mention anything about her ex having experience with gun safety or use, which will, again, make it a different situation. Has your ex been communicating with you about what guns he owns, that he's letting the children hold them, that he's talking your eldest to the range? If so- then, again, a very different situation.

 

I don't see this as being about the gun, but about being who has it.

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#9 of 10 Old 12-04-2013, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I did end up asking him about the gun. I don't think that it is much of a threat as I initially feared. He however, does not have any experrience with guns or safet y and that is a concern of mine. I do not think he bought it with malice intent. 

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#10 of 10 Old 12-05-2013, 02:27 PM
 
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I think that were I in your shoes, I would sign up the 7 year old for a firearms safety course.

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