DH and I have been fighting for a few years now. He lost his job immediately after we married, about the same time I got pregnant w/DS1 (we've been married almost 5yrs). He's never gotten a much better job, so we are very low income, he's also never looked, his current job came from a recommendation. We've moved several times, had another baby and now am due w/the third in FEb (a very unplanned pregnancy that I'm still grieving about-I did not want to get pregnant and was a fluke after a year of barely having sex after DS2 was born). The stress of being poor, having the kids, moving, etc. has taken it's toll on both of us. He's depressed I'm sure and is a totally different person. He doesn't eat, gets angry all the time, yelling at the kids, and says it's my job to help him. Meanwhile I'm doing everything I can to help myself and kids.
Every time we talk about it he assures me he'll try harder, look for better work, take care of himself, be nicer, etc. It never changes. I'm pretty sure I haven't been in love with him for the last year or two and he knows this. I don't think he loves me either, judging from his changed behavior towards me. I've threatened divorce for a year or more, threats get him moving...for a few days/week, then it's back to same ole.
My plan has been to wait till baby comes and file afterward. THis way I'm in a better position to get a part-time job to support us (he's already says we can have the house which is much lower mortgage than a rent would ever be). However, sometimes I can't stand being around him and if he's mad at me he yells and takes it out on the kids (not physically abusive but mean).
I guess my main concern is are these feelings more hormone related? I've been breastfeeding and/or pregnant almost since marriage and have huge hormonal issues. What if I regret it after having a baby and not the raging pregnancy hormones? Is the stress of divorce while pregnant greater than the stress of having someone around like this? I feel like I'm doing my baby a disservice onot being married when s/he is born-is that crazy? In the end, maybe I'm just so scared to be alone w/three little kids and no real close friends...I'm finding it hard to think this through clearly. Unfortunately he won't agree to separation so it's stay together or make it final w/divorce. And no money at all for counseling (we talk our ears off about this anyway so don't see how that would help).
Any advice or experiences would be helpful. Thanks
Big hug to you.
I left my kids' father when I was 6 month pregnant with our third. I knew it wasn't hormonal because we had been having issues so long, and he wasn't willing to work on them (though he was content to tell me he would treat me better if I made him happy, and it was my job to find out what made him happy). Four and half years later I do not regret my decision at all. I moved out with the kids so I could have a clean break and there would be one less thing to fight over, but waited until after the baby was born just to be sure insurance would cover the birth. Was it easy? No. I had to live on almost no income for three years while I finished nursing school. I lived with my parents so my needs were met but there wasn't any extra. Was it worth it? Yes. My life has been so much more peaceful and I have three happy healthy children.
Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012) Married to awesome SAH DH.
I am so sorry as its unfair for you to need to navigate through such difficult emotions during a time that should be so beautiful. I got a divorce shortly after the birth of my 2nd child. Her dad is a real piece of work and his girlfriend also doesn't make life easy. Before I choose to walk away I sat down and said, did I do everything in my power to make this work? I don't want any regrets. There will be a day when the children ask why didn't you two stay together... they may never know the truth of adultery, laziness and the list goes on but you do... I will say a little prayer for you as my heart aches for you. The best advice that I got after I had my 2nd and was going through a divorce was... act like you are being filmed... How do you want your children to see how you navigated through this difficult time. We all fall apart but I am sorry you do not have that luxury -- you need to cry in the closet and be strong when you walk out. You will get through this and you will be a rock for your babies.