Feeling Horrible Guilt about choosing to be a single mother. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 12-11-2013, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
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Hello. I am a 24 year old soon to be single parent. When I say soon to be, I mean that I have not had my child yet. I am 4 months pregnant. My ex is the father of my child. We have been broken up for over a year but still see eachother on occasion because...well sometimes people get lonley. He does not know that I am pregnant. Truthfully I never want him to know. I would rather him think that the child was someone elses, and do this completly on my own. Sometimes though, when I am by myself, rubbing my belly, talking to my child, I feel tremendous guilt for this decision. I am wondering if anyone else on this forum has made a similar decision to mine, and has any advice for me? Let me give you a bit of back story. I have been with this man since I was 16 and he was 28. The first few years I adored him even though he cheated on me constantly. When he got into his 30s he settled down and wanted to be a good boyfriend, but by that time I was a college student interested in other things, and I went out, cheated on him often, and used his previous treatment of me as an excuse to do so. It was a toxic relationship where over the years we have taken turns being incredibly ugly to eachother. It lasted until I was 23 and we were still sleeping together until recently when I found out I was pregnant and did not want him in the picture at all. He has two children from a previous relationship. My ex. We will call him "Ron" was in a band when I met him. At 16 I was so impressed. He was so much older and wiser, such a badass. I didnt mind that he was a total racist, I didnt mind the swastika tattoos, I didnt mind his demeaning attitude towards woman, his violent attitude towards the homosexual community, or his drug problem. I was an idiot. As I got older, and got into college, my opinions evolved. I grew up. I had never hated anybody, and I was now starting to mind a lot more that he did. It was not "cool", it did not make him a "bad boy"....it just made him an ass hole. Anytime I would try to sway his view on any of these things I was a "crying libral". Eventually we just becaome far too diferent. My new adult opinions were so far into another galaxy as his that he embarrassed me greatly. I broke it off. Sometimes though, even when you break up with a person, you go back to them for certain comforts because its easy and you are used to it. I dont claim that to be a good decision or an excuse. All it is is a reason. Now I am pregnant with his child and I realize that....wow....I do not want my baby exposed to this type of hate. I do not want them to see the things his two older children have seen. And this is where my real reasoning comes in. If it were JUST issues that I had with him, and I felt like other than that he was a good father, I think I would want him involved. The thing is, we disagree on parenting soooo much. There was so much he said and did in front of his children that made me cringe, and when I would talk to him about it he would say "stay out of it they are not your kids". Well this IS my kid....am I wrong for not wanting my child to hear things like "you remember when that guy in that movie shot himself in the head? You make me want to do that to myself." or "If you are gay you arnt my child anymore" or "If you date a black man you arnt my child anymore" or "your mother is a drug addict and she doesnt love you, thats why shes not here right now. I love you, I dont understand why you constantly want to ask questions about your mom when she doesnt love you and I do". All things he has said to his children. I also learned recently that after having the sex talk with his 9 year old son, he felt like he wasnt "getting it" so he showed him porn. I was horrified. Some of you are probably wondering why I would feel guilty about this decision....some of you are also probably wondering why I was so stupid to have stayed with him so long. I can at least answer the first question. I KNOW that he loves his children. I know he does. Hes a horrific parent, but he does LOVE his children. And he does feed them, and clothe them, and help them with homework (when he feels like it), and if something bad were to happen to them, he would without a doubt be absolutly crushed. So my guilt is based of the tug of war in my brain of what is best for my child. I already love it so much. I want nothing but happieness for my baby. I want to give it the best childhood it could possibly have. Sometimes I just cry and cry, and I think, how can I do this. How can I love my baby so much, and deny that to the other person who helped create it. I know my child will have questions about their father, and I have no intentions of ever bad mouthing him because I dont think parents should do that....so what do I say when they ask me....wheres daddy? or Why dont I have a dad? I feel torn and confused. His personality is never going to change, and his two children now 11 and 13 have grown up to be discipline problems. They have gotten in many fights, had multiple issues with racist remarks at school, cuss and say "faggot" openly around ANYBODY, they have very little manners, the list goes on.... I DO NOT WANT THIS FOR MY CHILD. I feel like...I dont think I am a better person than "Ron"....lord knows I have screwd up so much in my life. I have made so many bad mistakes, and while our flaws are very different, this is not about me thinking I am better than him....it IS about me thinking I would be a better PARENT than him. This is my first child, and I want so badly to do this right. What is better, a completly irrisponsible father who loves their child but will say and do things that I fear would scar my child for life?? or no father, and A mother with a very supportive family who is trying to do the job of BOTH parents. Am I a bad person for wanting to keep my child away from this type of lifestyle? Has anyone else had a similar experience? Or is anyone willing to give me some gentle but direct advice? I need some guidence.

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#2 of 3 Old 12-11-2013, 11:49 AM
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No, you are not a bad person for protecting your child from an abusive situation. My little one has a father like that. I tried so hard to hide the fact I was pregnant from my son's father, for this exact reason- I knew the Hell he'd grow up in under his father's influence. Unfortunately, his father did find out and now has supervised visitation- for his father, it wasn't about being a dad, it was about claiming his "property". From the description of your child's father, it sounds like he's cut from the same cloth as my son's father. Children should have two loving parents, but it doesn't always work out that way- sometimes one of their parents will do more harm than good and in situations like that, one loving parent is a thousand times over better than one loving parent and one abusive parent. You're doing what's best for your child.

My older son's father was not in the picture, for different reasons. I always explained it to him that his father loved him and wanted what was best for him, but wasn't ready to be a father. I told him a little more- facts only- as he grew older and asked more questions, but he got through it, WE got through it. You and your child will, too.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#3 of 3 Old 12-11-2013, 12:25 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you so much for responding. Its such a comfort to feel less alone, and have some reassurance that I am doing right by my baby. I just love it so much, and I want to do the right thing.

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