Separated and husband introduced kids to new girlfriend - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 12-24-2013, 10:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband and I have been separated less than 6 months and he has started seeing someone he knew in college. He has had 3 play dates with this woman and her kids and my kids.

I'm really pissed. I don't care that he is sleeping with this woman. But the kids came back from the play date with gifts from her. And that's when I got angry. My kids are 4 and 8. The 4 year old is still confused about the separation. The 8 year old gets upset at times. He was extremely upset when we first separated. What do I do about this? We agreed that we would wait 6 months before introducing a new partner to the kids.

We haven't even started writing our divorce agreement! We are going to try mediation. This woman is also still married I think. And she's in the military. It's a no no as the military considers this adultery. However, I don't know if they enforce it.

What do I do? This is poor taste. We have differing ideas about what is "good" for the kids. Do I just try and get over it? I left my ex and I have no intention on getting back together. But right now I don't even want to sit at a mediation table with him. I didn't think I'd have to deal with with this issue so soon. We cannot get a court date until we have been separated a year.

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#2 of 7 Old 12-25-2013, 11:47 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. This happened to me. My oldest is 12 and he has verbalizes his upset and anger about it to me. These guys are so selfish and shortsighted. It is not right, but it is part of this horrible awful process. I am 1.5 years out and we still haven't done mediation but we will in January. But we are doing 'shuttle mediation' - we will not be in the same room. Is that an option for you? Your emotions are raw and very strong right now and being in the same room can make you even more vulnerable. Although, that being said, if you do it in the same room, you can come away feeling very empowered. 

 

Lots to consider. For now, HUGS!!!! This is not easy; it is so so so painful.

 

Also, if you're not already in some kind of therapy - find some. Divorce is not a process to do alone. We all need the extra support and safe place to vent.

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#3 of 7 Old 12-26-2013, 02:26 AM
 
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Sadly your only options are find ways to make your kids deal while getting over it. You can't have a say in who he introduces the kids to. 

 

I am right there with you! My ex has introduced girl after girl. It's gotten to the point where my son is calling any new gf he introduces him to "his new mommy"


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#4 of 7 Old 12-26-2013, 02:03 PM
 
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Oh friend... I'm so sorry. That doesn't sound easy at all. Have you had the opportunity to talk with a counselor about this? ((HUGS)) Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!

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#5 of 7 Old 12-26-2013, 02:39 PM
 
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Similar experience here as well...ex started "dog sitting" almost immediately (i.e. days) after I moved out-turns out the owner of the dog is a woman, who very soon started "visiting" the dog while the kids were there and hanging out to play with them, get them dressed, and bake cookies together.  She was there for Christmas eve and apparently stayed to help ex wrap presents-he told the kids she slept out in the garage!!!!  This is now 6 months after I left.   He would probably deny she is his girlfriend, but I am not going to bring it up. 

 

I don't care if he is dating-our relationship was over long before I actually moved out.  I do care that he a) introduced a woman almost immediately after we split up, which is confusing and hard on the kids, even if they are too young to really "get" it yet, and b) cannot manage to care for our children on his own for an entire weekend without some woman's help. 

 

Basically, I've had to get over it.  You can try to get a clause in your agreement about not introducing them to new partners, but there isn't much you can do to enforce it. 


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#6 of 7 Old 12-29-2013, 12:52 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have heard of this so many times and it also happened in my case... we term these people as "Overlappers". They are people who are unable to be alone so they get into another relationship -- never working on the issues and problems of the first. The pain of separation, divorce and relationship struggles can be so intense that a "new" shiny object really heals the pain. In your case and in mine, its sad that children are involved as the collateral damage. For your husband or soon to be ex-husband its unfortunate but it happens so often. They think, this relationship is different and it feels so great -- this time we will all be a happy family with the white picked fence. He is grossly lost in his BradyBunch sitcom. He has absolutely no idea... and I am sure he enjoys hurting you during the process.

 

First, I am sorry. You are valuable and your marriage was valuable so take time to process and learn from your mistakes. Spend a great amount of time with your children as they are going to also be an emotional roller coaster. My divorce attorney told me that after divorce each parent should not introduce another person to their children for one year. The kids need to feel stable and not fight for the attention of their parent. He said that in "all" instances of his former clients when this didn't happen the children had "mommy or daddy issues".

 

For your children, hold your head up and teach them -- your way. Take your time. Show them how they should be courted as they grow up or how to treat and court someone. Overlappers just don't get this process. The "happy" chemicals really cloud judgment and put a Band-Aid on a very open wound. You will need to be stable and solid for your kids. This is sooooo hard as you will need to react and be on your toes to many of the things they want to process with you on....

 

I will say a little prayer for you and your family. This is sooo hard and your not alone. A wonderful woman I deem my "airport angel" taught me this great notion of running a new business. "You are now in the business of raising, strong, confident, smart little girls. This is your new corporation. The corporation in the best interest of the girls." I use this everyday. When I deal with the negative and positive actions of others I think ... what is best for the corporation... This has allowed me to remove the petty crap and to think intelligently. I hope this also helps you. God bless.

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#7 of 7 Old 12-29-2013, 11:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by abuttefly View Post

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have heard of this so many times and it also happened in my case... we term these people as "Overlappers". They are people who are unable to be alone so they get into another relationship -- never working on the issues and problems of the first. The pain of separation, divorce and relationship struggles can be so intense that a "new" shiny object really heals the pain. In your case and in mine, its sad that children are involved as the collateral damage. For your husband or soon to be ex-husband its unfortunate but it happens so often. They think, this relationship is different and it feels so great -- this time we will all be a happy family with the white picked fence. He is grossly lost in his BradyBunch sitcom. He has absolutely no idea... and I am sure he enjoys hurting you during the process.

First, I am sorry. You are valuable and your marriage was valuable so take time to process and learn from your mistakes. Spend a great amount of time with your children as they are going to also be an emotional roller coaster. My divorce attorney told me that after divorce each parent should not introduce another person to their children for one year. The kids need to feel stable and not fight for the attention of their parent. He said that in "all" instances of his former clients when this didn't happen the children had "mommy or daddy issues".

For your children, hold your head up and teach them -- your way. Take your time. Show them how they should be courted as they grow up or how to treat and court someone. Overlappers just don't get this process. The "happy" chemicals really cloud judgment and put a Band-Aid on a very open wound. You will need to be stable and solid for your kids. This is sooooo hard as you will need to react and be on your toes to many of the things they want to process with you on....

I will say a little prayer for you and your family. This is sooo hard and your not alone. A wonderful woman I deem my "airport angel" taught me this great notion of running a new business. "You are now in the business of raising, strong, confident, smart little girls. This is your new corporation. The corporation in the best interest of the girls." I use this everyday. When I deal with the negative and positive actions of others I think ... what is best for the corporation... This has allowed me to remove the petty crap and to think intelligently. I hope this also helps you. God bless.

So perfectly said. All of this.
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