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#61 of 241 Old 05-14-2004, 02:55 PM
 
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Brusselsprout

I can totally relate to so much of what you've written. I am going out tonight. I'm leaving the kids with a sitter whom I am very comfortable with....however, I've only left them in the evening once before (about a month ago) and I'm so very nervous.

Part of me wants to cancel because I think.....it's not really that important...it's frivolous for me to go. The other part of me says, it's because it's just for me that I should go. The kids will be fine. I will pick them up and even if my little one cries.....he too will be fine.

It's crazy & I've been feeling so torn. My ex has dropped his visits so much that I desperately need some time to myself and I am also really feeling like I want to and need to start having a life again.....including going out in the evenings from time to time. I like the idea of dating & don't always want our dates to be on the Saturday afternoons that neither of us have our kids. It would be nice to have dinner or something in the evening too.

Anway, I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and am going to try it tonight. We will all be fine! (I keep telling myself that). I know we will all be better for making more transitions towards babysitters & me getting a little more time to myself. It's just part of parenting as a single mom and I feel like it is time for me and the kids to move in this direction.

I'll post tomorrow and let you know how it goes!
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#62 of 241 Old 05-14-2004, 03:35 PM
 
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You know, I never really thought about it as something that I would need to eventually do as a single mum...I mean that is totally logical and I should have thought of it, but it just didn't occur to me!

When my oldest was born my ex and I talked about parenting philosophies and decided that for our family what was best was for us to not get a babysitter until each child was at least a year old....ds1 was a year, ds 2 was 18 mos, and I still feel guilty that ds3 was only 5 months old. But he isn't here, he is all the way on the other side of the country and as much as I want to hold everything together and stick to our (my) ideals I can not do it by myself. So, yeah, a babysitter is not such a bad thing if it refreshes me and helps me keep my sanity, yes?

Good luck with your date tonight! I hope everything goes really well and you come home to sleeping angel babies I look forward to your update!
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#63 of 241 Old 05-14-2004, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good luck and have fun with your date LJ!

I'm pretty used to being without my kids now. X takes them everyday that he doesn't work for at least half the day and overnight once on the weekends. But it is still hard to plan in things cause the guy I'm dating lives a 2 hour drive from me. He has planning on moving soon and may only be an hour away which will be better.

At first I was weirded out by leaving my kids with someone else, but got over it pretty quick after I had to go back to work and they went into daycare. Fortunately, I am now a WAHM and can stay with them.

Have a great date, can't wait to hear about it! I'm hoping to have something to report this weekend as well

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#64 of 241 Old 05-15-2004, 09:19 AM
 
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Way to go, Ladies!!! How exciting for all of you! Enjoy and have fun!!!

I have been thinking that even though I might want to date, maybe I am just not ready...BUT, then I also realized, if it were not for this recent interaction with this guy, I would never had known what kind of "issues" I might need to be working on, kwim???

So, I will just sit back, have a good time with the lovely men I do meet and date in the future, find the issues that need to be dealt with, deal with them and grow and heal!

If that special man enters my life and I am not fully "ready", then if he is really that special...he will be patient and understand!

As for the guy I have been seeing, I haven't spoken to him (since Wednesday), but I also haven't been on MSN since Wednesday. I will log onto MSN tonight and see if he is around and what is happening. Wish I could say that I was hoping for something to "report", but I don't think so!
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#65 of 241 Old 05-15-2004, 10:55 PM
 
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Well, time to spill it.......

I've had two great days.
Friday night I went to be a spectator in a big event at my guy's work. I went with the expectation that he would be busy & I wouldn't really see him and I was going to show my support & interest in his life. However, he made time for me, spent as much as he could with me, etc. and it was so cool. He was very kind & looked & smelled great! He told me today that several of his friends were there and I was "checked out" by them too. It wasn't a situation where I could meet them....but I was glad he told me that after the fact. He also phoned today and told me I looked great last night! The kids were at a sitter & that went very well, despite the fact I didn't pick them up until about 10:00 and they were still awake.

Today my kids were with their dad & my guy's kid was with his ex, so we spent the afternoon together. I went to his place for the first time & we chatted, then went for lunch & then back to his place. After 2 hours of chatting & lunch we spent 2 hours just sitting on his couch, listening to tunes & chatting about tons of things. It was so laid back & relaxed.....it was kinda like pillow talk without the sex or bed! Everytime we're together, we talk for hours & it seems like only minutes have gone by. It's strange because we've only had a few dates.....but every date has lasted for hours, we lose track of time and just talk about so many different things.

We're moving at a very slow pace & it seems to be going well. I'm intrigued by this guy & it's very different than any relationships I've ever had.

Well, that's it for this week ! Looking forward to hearing about how it's going for everyone else.
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#66 of 241 Old 05-15-2004, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sounds awesome LJ! My date is tomorrow so I'll post about it tomorrow night, I'm sure

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#67 of 241 Old 05-16-2004, 12:21 AM
 
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Wow, L.J. That's awesome. I'm very happy for you!
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#68 of 241 Old 05-16-2004, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So my date today went very well! We met at a restaurant and had a nice meal together for lunch. He then brought me to an art museum, where we wandered around at first talking about the art, then talking about our lives. Had coffee and walked in the park and just sat on a park bench talking. It was a really nice and relaxing afternoon! He is such a sweetie

I then got to see TWO brand new babies today! One is almost a week old (my nephew) and another is 2 days old! Awwwww, gave me the baby cravings BIG TIME!

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#69 of 241 Old 05-16-2004, 10:05 PM
 
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wemoon sounds like it went very well for you Glad you had a wonderful time!

I just got back from date #2 with my friend (he chuckles every time he hears me refer to him as "mommy's friend" when we are on the phone and ds1 asks who I am speaking with). We went to the movie and it was a wee bit scary, not too bad. I have to say that he smells incredible. I sat there for most of the 2.5 hours just smelling him...is that nutty? And then about 15 minutes before the end of the movie I started smelling like milk....ah well, maybe I am the only one that noticed.

The kids did great. Ds2 hardly even noticed I was gone (insert bittersweet smile here). Ds3 was stoked to be w/ his Auntie. He did nurse to sleep the very second I showed up to get them though.
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#70 of 241 Old 05-16-2004, 10:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I say Mommy's Friend too... but my dd is too smart and she'll say BOYfriend! Dont' know where she has even heard the term before....

Sounds like a good time! Smell is important to me too.

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#71 of 241 Old 05-17-2004, 03:55 AM
 
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I actually have something to report! I don't feel so left out anymore!

After purposely not being online or speaking since Wednesday, he called me on Sunday afternoon. Talk about my mouth dropping to the floor So, wasn't expecting a phone call.

He called because he was worried about not speaking to me or seeing me online for "so long". We talked for a bit, until ds decided HE didn't want to share mommy's attention with another man. My friend asked if we could get together again and I invited him to spend the beautiful and warm (so rare for Holland) day with ds and I. His reply, "Yes, I would love that!".

So, he brought his bicycle over, we all jumped on our bikes and took a long (45 minute) bike ride to the beach and spent a beautiful afternoon playing with ds and chatting. Afterwards, we came back to my place, he ordered pizza, while I put ds to bed. We ate, chatted, curled up on the couch and watched some TV.

It was fantastic!!!
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#72 of 241 Old 05-17-2004, 10:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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WTG Heather! Sounds really great

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#73 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 04:05 AM
 
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Yesterday, I got asked out by my ex's boss!! Yes, that is right...by my ex's boss!

We both work at the same publishing company. It was because of me that my ex got his current position. I was the one that motivated, supported and "pushed" him to go for the position, I updated his CV for him and prepped him. Additionally, I was also the one with all the contacts. I had previously worked with his current boss on a couple of projects and we (the boss and I) had developed a friendly working relationship. So, when ex was in his interview and told his boss who he was married to, he pretty much had the job!

At lunch yesterday, I ran into his boss and we started chatting, as always. He said he had heard a rumor (and had seen the picture on ex's desk of his new girlfriend and her child ) that we were separated and asked if it was true. I confirmed, but was very diplomatic and didn't say anything negative or nasty about ex.

Right before leaving the office, I received a very sweet, considerate and "careful" email asking if I would be interested in going out to dinner with him one night this week!! I agreed, as I have had a slight crush on this guy since I first met him, and we are going out for dinner tonight!

How hilarious is this!!! :
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#74 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 09:14 AM
 
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So, what's the appropriate amount of time to wait before meeting someone IRL? In my mind there's something kinda pervy about meeting people on the internet, but then again it's no less safe than meeting someone in a bar, right? Now that I'm a single mom, and not just a college girl I feel a little more sensitive to safety issues - so how did you all handle this? TIA

Leah
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#75 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 09:25 AM
 
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I have experienced it 2 ways:

First time, we chatted once and met a couple of days later, in a very public place for a drink. This was nice because there were no expectations. We had a nice time and are also still chatting...more as friends though, I think.

Second time, we chatted for 2 weeks and really got to know each other via messenging. The problem was that when we did finally meet...there were a lot more 'expectations' than should be placed on a first date and I felt a little "strange"...like I needed to catch up on his physical appearance, body language, etc. In the end, we are still seeing each other.

I actually find it a bit safer than in a bar...because alcohol is not so much of an influence. But, I would take the same precautions, safety-wise, as I would if I met a guy in a bar and we got together at a later date. Meet at a public place, tell people where you are at and when you expect to be home, carry a cell phone with you, etc, etc. Trust your instincts and only do what feels comfortable for you!
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#76 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow Holland! You've got guys just swarming you Have fun!

Maddysmommy~ I met my guy online, we chatted a few times online and then talked on the phone. It was pretty certain that things were cool after talking on the phone. I met him IRL maybe a month after we started chatting? And did so in a very public place (we met at a May Day festival), and my kids were even there. The second time we met I had him to my house, the third we met at a restaurant. My advice, make sure you talk on the phone a few times before meeting, make the first meeting be in a public place, and tell someone, anyone, where you are going, who you are with etc etc. I told an online friend what I was doing, even gave her phone #'s of family etc.

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#77 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 10:45 AM
 
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Holland
Wow! You go girl!

Maddysmom
I actually read on an online site that after 2 emails 50% of people meet. That seems early to me.

We emailed for more than 2 weeks, chatted on the phone and then met....in the middle of the day, public restaurant, etc. I agree that you want to talk on the phone before meeting. Also, when you email or im and talk more.....you can make sure things he's told you are congruent. The more you email or chat, the more you'll know if he seems on the "up and up".

Also, I met a few guys, where after one or two chats wanted to meet & were putting lots of pressure on me to "get a sitter". I figured if they don't even "get" my parenting up front....they won't be the guy for me.

There's really no reason to rush anything. Take your time.
I agree with Holland that it can be safer than a bar.
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#78 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 01:41 PM
 
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Holland, you go girl!! That is fantastic!

As far as internet dating, that is how I met my friend. We e-mailed back and forth a couple of times, got on IM a few times and spoke on the phone once first. I picked the place we met at and made sure it was very public (and someplace I felt very comfortable....I picked a place I used to work and where I know alot of people that still work there) For our second date we met at the movies.

Honestly the internet is how I met all of my regular irl friends too (yeah I'm a geek ) so it didn't seem strange to meet a boy that way. And, if I had to meet boys at the bar it would never happen (*I had a glass of wine last week, first one in 5 years....I had such a hang over from it I almost couldnt function the next day). When I was single before we used to meet guys at the coffee houses but now it seems that scene is almost dead and coffee is more something you do with a date....no funky cool open mike poets, no philosophy spouting cool guy in the corner, no games of chess on the front sidewalk....sigh.
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#79 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 02:52 PM
 
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Since I like reading articles....thought I would share some of the better advice I found about dating:

http://www.jupiterparents.com/articles/article24.shtml
http://www.niaonline.com/NiaLD/chann...C00.html?msg=a
http://www.free-dating-sites-free-pe...g_advice_women (has some decent safety tips)

Really wish I could find more....or a book. We should write "The Single Mommy's Guide to Dating"
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#80 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 05:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh good idea! I'll check out those sites when I get more of a chance this evening

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#81 of 241 Old 05-18-2004, 11:24 PM
 
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Maddysmom, I met my dp online. We emailed a few times, then talked on messenger for about two weeks. We met in public at the mall and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. I felt very comfortable and relaxed from the start.

I also had my cellphone with me and let everyone know where I was going...even had a few offers by friends to go incognito and keep an eye out...I was not that paranoid..but it is not a bad idea. Peace!
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#82 of 241 Old 05-19-2004, 07:01 AM
 
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Well, the date with the ex's boss was really, really nice! Kind of funny, because X was at my place watching ds! But, he took me to a beautiful, scrumptious restaurant and we just talked for 3 hours!

Anyway, I have a question for you all...how often do you speak, chat or email with your new "friends"?
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#83 of 241 Old 05-19-2004, 11:10 AM
 
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Sounds like fun Holland!
To answer your question, we talk maybe once or twice per week. We email a few times. It's tough, my guy is really busy...so connecting can be a challenge.

So last night my kids & I went over to his house & we hung out with him & his daughter. We stayed for a couple hours, the kids played great together & he and I actually had a chance to talk quite a bit.

It was great to see everyone getting along well & we all had fun. I think we're getting together this weekend for a little while.
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#84 of 241 Old 05-19-2004, 11:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We chat once, twice...or more a day. Phone calls maybe once or twice a week.

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#85 of 241 Old 05-19-2004, 02:59 PM
 
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Heather sounds great You have dates coming out your ears!

I think my friend and I are taking things very very sssssssssssllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww : and I think I like it that way....we might talk to each other a couple of times during the week, but that is about it. I don't really handle phone calls well, so I tend to shy away from talking that way. He doesn't use IM very well (probably because it is at work), so I am thinking I will try to use email more often....would be nice to feel like I really know him some time this decade
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#86 of 241 Old 05-20-2004, 02:05 AM
 
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Thanks for the answers, ladies.

I think I am going to have to "squash" one of these guys. btw: there are only 2 guys; the one I have been talking about all along (guy #1) and, now, my ex's boss (guy #2).

My instincts are telling me that he, guy #1, really doesn't want anything from me, except for a little affection and companionship when he cannot get it anywhere else. I refuse to be someone's back up girl...I deserve more than that. He doesn't make plans with me for upcoming weekends, especially this weekend which is a 4 day weekend. I purposely approached him on MSN last night to see if he would perchance make plans with me, at the end of a very bland conversation I said, "If I don't talk to you later, have a great long weekend and enjoy the weather". His reply, "I will be online some nights, so we will see. You also have a great weekend and have fun with ds." What the heck does that mean?????

Additionally, he doesn't email me, he doesn't approach me on MSN as much as he used to, when we do chat on MSN now...it is very brief, he calls only if he hasn't seen or heard for me after 4 days, etc.

Am I being overly sensitive here? I do like this guy, but since it is still early, I would rather cut my loses without getting too attached and emotional. This is isn't how I would like a potential relationship to begin...I think I deserve someone that makes me feel like he does want to include me in his life, even so slightly in the beginning.

Any thoughts on this one?
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#87 of 241 Old 05-20-2004, 09:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I chatted with a guy like this... he was soooooo *busy*, but I saw him log on and then log out many times without even saying hi to me. It is perfectly acceptable for him to be busy, and if he IMed me and said *I really wanted to say Hi, but can't chat cause I'm busy*, that would have been cool, sweet etc. But instead he went a week with no contact, then started contact everyday, then a week no contact. Finally I got bitchy, and he asked me If I was a bitch!!! I'm like, yea buddy I am, please don't contact me anymore. And that was the end of that.

The one I'm dating right now, contacts me almost everyday. I usually get an email or an IM everyday. Yesterday was actually the first day since I met him that he didn't contact me. I IMed him and he was real depressed over something, so I just let him be.

So I would say that this guy doesn't have the drive, motivation to become involved. Sounds like he just wants a little fun, which can be good or bad depending on what you are looking for.

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#88 of 241 Old 05-20-2004, 11:08 AM
 
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I spoke with my Dutch girlfriend about this and she told me this was quite normal, for Dutch men. It is hard for me to say if this is a cultural thing or not, because my first Dutch boyfriend was more American than I was and my Dutch husband truly has a culture of his own! :LOL

I guess there really isn't anything I can do anyway. I do enjoy our time together when we are together, so maybe I need to just step back and stop fretting about it all. Until I can find someone that I want to become potentially serious with, I will just enjoy the little moments I have with this guy. He can be my "back-up"!

The one thing that drives me nuts is the logging in/logging out without even a "Just wanted to say Hi". Although, he did once say to me that he enjoyed my "cyber" company when we are both online but not chatting.
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#89 of 241 Old 05-20-2004, 12:32 PM
 
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Holland, I am so guilty of logging in and out without always talking to someone. Partly it is that I hope he doesn't notice I am online so much (really don't want him to think I live on-line, and don't think it is necessary to explain to him about being on every time I nurse, kwim?) Besides, sometimes I just don't really want to talk to anyone, but that doesn't mean I am not interested or whatever.

I think 4 days is really good to go between some conversations. At least he isn't wating weeks or something. I really think this pace sets a nice slow get to know you time that could be really healthy.

I was noticing that about myself this week. I start dating someone and it becomes exciting. So then I want to get more involved NOW. I want more calls, more IM"S more e-mails....I don't want the very sweet hug, I want a KISS, NOW (or, well, you know Did I mention he smells incredible ) !!!! But, sitting back and looking at things the way they are, no I don't want to rush is. This is very nice the way it is. I didn't want something serious right away, and I am lucky enough to have found someone that wanted to take his time too....if I had found someone that wanted to rush head long into things I probably would have too, and seriously that isn't what I need right now. I need to be able to sit back and analyze things. To make sure I am staying healthy etc, kwim?

Anyway, maybe it is a blessing that he is taking his time. ENjoy it, and enjoy the time it gives you with your son and with your new friend, and the time it gives you to explore other options if you would like And especially the time it gives you to just be YOU with YOU!!!
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#90 of 241 Old 05-20-2004, 01:46 PM
 
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Oh, Brussel...you rock!!!

I needed to hear what you wrote. It is also nice to hear that you have also felt as I have...this feeling of wanting it all NOW and if someone where to rush, you would to! That is me exactly!!! That is how all of my relationships, including my marriage, have happened; just whirlwinds of excitement!

So...you are right, this is a good thing to be moving at this pace.

Thank you!!!
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