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#121 of 241 Old 06-06-2004, 11:54 PM
 
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wemoon, it's a damn good thing you found this out about him now, not later. Can't date someone because they are on good terms with their kids' dad?????? WTF?

HIS LOSS! He is a STOOPID!
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#122 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 12:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know, I know. I think it was jealousy, now that I have a chance to just think. He has very bad relationships with his X's, and never gets to see his DD. My X can see the kids whenever he wants, voluntarily gives me child support (has been faithful with it too!), and I can actually just get along with him.

Yea, TOTALLY STOOPID!

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#123 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 12:58 AM
 
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Bad relationships with exes? Doesn't "get" to see dd often? (Red Flags!) Even more reason that it's good that it ended.

In the beginning, everyone puts their best foot forward. You got to see everything good about him, and that can really make it suck when you find out the bad......

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guy: STOOPID
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#124 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 02:05 AM
 
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wemoon
I agree that it's good you're finding this out now. I don't get the whole "jealous of the ex" thing. My ex's girlfriend is totally paranoid that I want my ex back...........yeah, right. It's put a total wedge between him & our kids and he doesn't see what a problem it is. Sucks for the kids & for him too.

You are a great mom & a great person & there is an amazing guy out there who wants to be with a woman who is willing to be kind to her ex, who loves her kids & who is capable of being in a healthy, nurturing kind of relationship. You will find what you're looking for.....and thank goodness you've been able to get the red flags early on!
Hang in there!
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#125 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 04:05 AM
 
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LJ...that is wonderful!!!

Wemoon, dump this guy...he is not worthy of your time or energy. What a putz! There are many men out there that will date a woman with children, so please do not despair.

Buttercup, please keep us updated on this date!
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#126 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You ladies are wonderful, what a great way to wake up this morning with all your support. Love all you ladies and thank you!

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#127 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 11:39 AM
 
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wemoon, chiming in with my 2 cents... he is not worth the effort.

Having a good relationship with your ex is important for your kids sakes..and one of the things about J I admire is the way he and his ex, who is remarried with stepchildren, get along. She even called him to offer advice in the stepparenting department.

My ex has been surprisingly civil too, though I think it is because he sees $$ signs..might think he can get support lowered or something. ( I have adopted a very cynical attitude..lol)

There is a guy out there that will support you being a mama first and a partner second. J is one..though that is the only thing I ever worry about, that my kids will be too much for him. His are teens now and he has reentered the younger kid parenting arena again. He laughs at me when I worry, and we take it one day at a time... but it is SO nice to be able to discuss how we parent and discipline choices and ideas. My ex and I never talked about anything,ever. That is hugely important..being able to come to a middle ground in parenting.

Hang in there, he is out there.
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#128 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks sweetie, you all are helping me to feel better!

A new dating site I found: http://www.greenpersonals.com/?tid=007 It is only $10 a month if you choose to subscribe. I'm waiting for my ad to get approved and then I'll let you all know what I think of it.

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#129 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 02:00 PM
 
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Where would you go locally to find potenial likeminded guys? I don't see many crunchy papa's around here LOL Any suggestions? Remember I am a SAHM, and do not work, so it is hard to go "hang out" anywhere! Thanks
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#130 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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: LOL! I'm in the SAME boat!

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#131 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 06:10 PM
 
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I've used the internet to meet men.....but looking at the guy I've met, I could have met him at a book store, quaint coffee shop, a festival, or even a local market. Just some ideas.
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#132 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 07:40 PM
 
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like LJ, i used the internet. for me it was the most efficient way to meet a quality man. when i had time to go out - i wanted to go out with friends and listen to good music and not worry about looking for someone. good luck!

wemoon - i think your guy isn't good enough for you and just isn't a match. you'll find him... i think it's great you're not settling for someone who isn't what you want.
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#133 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 09:22 PM
 
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Argh! This is so hard..... The firefighter, his kids, me, and my kids socialized on Friday morning (playdate) then Friday evening (movies at his house), and then just me with him and his kids briefly on Saturday morning (he had some moving boxes for me). I ended up calling him on Sunday just to talk. Conversation was good, but then I felt I ended it on an odd note, so I called back a couple of hours later to apologize. He said he didn't notice anything wrong, wished me a good day, then told me he'd talk to me later and hoped to see me Tuesday - we made tentative plans on Friday. He's on duty now, but I had to call again today and leave him a message to let him know I can't go out on Tuesday because of a work conflict. I'm not even really dating this guy and I already feel that I'm blowing it because I'm calling too much - I hate this feeling! Thoughts anyone?

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#134 of 241 Old 06-07-2004, 10:32 PM
 
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Soul-O
I don't think you're blowing it by calling too much.

What I do when I feel that way, is just totally hang back & wait for him to make the next move/call/email whatever. I play it cool for awhile until I feel like we're back on better footing.
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#135 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 03:00 AM
 
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Thanks L.J. I figured that waiting for him is probably the best move at this time. I hate the waiting, though. I don't tend towards patience anyhow, and I'm finding that, although I promised myself I wouldn't get romantic with this guy, I'm really fighting the feelings. He looks wonderful, smells yummy, has the greatest smile, is a very gentle dad, and he actually listens better than your average guy. If I only I were actually ready to date.....

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#136 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 04:11 AM
 
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Soul-O, I think that we, as women, have a bad tendency to over-analyze EVERYTHING to the point of confusion and frustration. I wouldn't worry about this "idea" of being ready to date or not...do what feels right to you. If you feel like you are moving too fast, then you are...so, back off and get your perspective back. Trust yourself and listen to your instincts.

I know that many people might disagree with me, but I really feel that saying, "I am not ready" or "I am ready" to date is confusing and even more frustrating. I have known so many people that literally lived by these words "I am not ready" or "I don't want a man" that they miss out, something they realize months or years later, on some great relationships...and I don't just mean romantic relationships, I also mean wonderful male friendships.

If someone isn't open to having another person, a male person, in their life...I completely understand, I REALLY, REALLY do! But, I don't know if I would say that they were "not ready"...they are just not interested or looking. Although, I have also known many people that have met the GREATEST men and have the best relationships when they were not interested or looking for that person.

Dating, to me, is just a means to meet new people, of the opposite sex. Dating is such a "loaded" word, there are always these expectations of a potential relationship. I don't see it that way...I know that I cannot have a relationship with man without first being friends.

Maybe I am not articulating this very well, I apologize, but I have been doing some serious thinking about this whole idea of "dating". Maybe this is all just a matter of semantics??? Anyone care to share their thoughts...disagreements...etc?
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#137 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 04:53 AM
 
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Heather, great post.

Soul-O, in my mind, I translate your situation to dating the guy. This is because you are a hetero woman, he is a hetero man, and you are doing stuff together with the potential to become serious. You haven't defined your relationship yet, so until you decide spoken or unspoken that you are just pals, it seems to me that you are dating. But that is only the way I conceptualize it in my own head. Everyone's head is different. (That sounded funny!) I'm not trying to label you....just saying what I define as dating....

Heather, As far as not being ready, at first I thought you were right on, but then I thought about it a little more, and I think that there are some people who are not ready, because before some peopel are ready to enter in a relationship wiht ANYONE, they need to sort out issues of co-dependence, dependence, honesty, trust, self-esteem, whatever. Once a person has worked on those issues, that person may be ready for a relationship.

I remember the movie 28 days (terrible movie, sorry to use it as anexample) they were saying that you couldnt' date out of rehab until you were able to keep a plant alive for one year. I think that is a good example of being "ready."

I guess I'm just not interested, or looking. :LOL

Maybe this *is* a matter of semantics.

I'm babbling. I'm going to stop now.
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#138 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 05:20 AM
 
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Thanks, Mocha!

I completely understand about people that should not or would not want to be in a relationship with ANYONE until they sort our their "stuff"...my stbx is a prime example of that. But, I have also noticed, with myself and dating recently, that there are still issues that I would never had realized until I did start dating. There are also still some feelings that I get that make me second guess, "Am I ready for all of this?"...hence all my thoughts on this topic. Additionally, since dating and dealing with these new, hidden issues, I have found that I handle and sort them out so much better than I would have earlier! I am so proud of myself because of that! Makes me feel strong!

I have to say that I am not "looking" anymore, dating 2 guys is more than enough for me right now, although one of them is definitely more of a friend than anything else. And I am definitely NOT interested in a serious, long-term relationship with any man right now...but I am open to meeting someone and seeing what might happens, if he is willing to be patient. If not, his loss.

Whenever I start to have these doubts, "Am I ready"...I just step back, take a break and review my list of what I want and why. Yes, I actually have a list! :LOL I am just so tired of overanalyzing and overthinking all of this stuff...it should have to be like this and I am doing it to myself.
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#139 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 08:58 AM
 
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This is such a great thread! Thanks you guys! I'm going to chime in with a totally different perspective. I haven't been separated for too long (3 months) but I'm very ready for connection, mainly because stbx and I were so disconnected and, I realize now, so hostile for so long. It wasn't abusive, just emotionally distant. Now I'm meeting people and looking for a physical connection. This is really more my personality. I had a date last weekend, he spent the night and it was amazing. Of course I over-analyze, feel like I'm gushing too much or whatever, but it really made me feel incredible and also reiterated for me how crappy it had been with stbx. I don't want a ltr, and I don't expect he does either, but if we have great sex for a few weeks or months that's exactly what I need. It turns out we have a huge amount in common, and that makes it even nicer, but I really just wanted to get laid lol. This is just my style and it always has been, it seems to me like having sex gets the tension out of the way (for me - and for the potential friendship/relationship.) Now flame away lmao!!
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#140 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 09:09 AM
 
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There is no way I can flame you for your post...I am guilty also!

One man that I am "dating" is more like a sex friend. There is a sexual chemistry between the two of us, we get along great and there are no expectations. He is just not someone I would want to be in a serious relationship with, but he has turned out to be a great, supportive friend that I can trust and rely on.

Although, we both agreed to be sexually monogamous to each other. When someone else enters the picture that we want to be sexual with, we stop the sex romps with each other.

Sex for me is also VERY much stress relief!
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#141 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I want a sex buddy! WHA! LOL!!! I think that maybe at this time that is all I want, I want to take my time finding a soul mate, but going without the sex is hard. Can you have a sex buddy that you really have nothing in common with? Cause there is this guy....... but I would never in a million years consider him for a long term, so I've just stayed away from him.

Heather GREAT post! And I think that is where I may miss the boat, I want a LTR and I should just take it as it comes instead of getting all bent out of shape when a guy decides he is not interested.

I'm trying to NOT look right now, and I hope someone just lands in my lap LOL! But it is hard for me to not look, but I am being less fervent about it so that is good.

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#142 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 10:39 AM
 
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I think the person you choose to be sex buddies with should be someone that you respect, and he for you, and you can communicate with. Otherwise, it can become a bit messy, emotionally speaking of course! :LOL

Wemoon, I wouldn't leave everything to "fate", I think you still need to keep your eyes open and pursue any "options" that come your way...that is what I am doing.
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#143 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 11:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Right, I totally will pursue options, there is no way I can just sit back and wait for the soul mate to walk through my door.

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#144 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 11:52 AM
 
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Haven't been around lately much. I will try to catch up on this thread in a bit....

I have a date on Thursday but I have a feeling there is going to be a serious lack of chemistry. That is fine this guy and I have talked alot and I think we will be really good friends, and who can't use some more good friends
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#145 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 12:36 PM
 
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Wow....there's been a lot happening on this thread that I'd like to comment on.

First, I think there are different ways of dating & as long as everyone knows the expectations/boundaries up front, I think it can be wonderful. I think there are times when just dating as friends is best, when just having sex is okay and when it is appropriate for two people to move toward something long term. I think different situations arise at different points in our lives and as long as you and the other person are clear on your agenda, I think it's great.

I also think there are times when people are best not to date. I have been separated for 3 years and I don't think I even looked at a man for at least 2 years. I had so much on my plate, lots of things I wanted to resolve & work on personally. I had absolutely nothing to give & knew any relationship I entered would be a complete & total disaster. But then last year I started to notice the mailman, the guy at the supermarket, the paramedic walking down the street, etc. etc. and I knew that I was getting ready to get back out there again. It still took me a few months to get used to the idea that I would date again and now I've jumped right back into it.

I have had relationships in the past that are just sexual and although they can be great to "get it out of your system", I have found that evenutally, the sex seems empty & lonely and is missing something important......the intimacy & emotional connection. I think they can work really well for awhile, but I'm not sure how long they are satisfying (IMO).

I think the best way to go into any relationship is open & honest both with yourself & your partner.

I hope everyone is still having lots of fun & I know that we are all learning so much. I enjoy our little sisterhood here and the opportunity to share our experiences!
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#146 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 02:15 PM
 
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[QUOTE=L.J.]

I have had relationships in the past that are just sexual and although they can be great to "get it out of your system", I have found that evenutally, the sex seems empty & lonely and is missing something important......the intimacy & emotional connection. I think they can work really well for awhile, but I'm not sure how long they are satisfying (IMO).
[QUOTE]

I agree with you completely. I have also had sex buddies in the past and know exactly how they play out in the long run, but, to be honest, that is fine for the time being. No, it won't last long and it is a good way to "get it out of my system", so I take it as it is and get out before it brings me down.
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#147 of 241 Old 06-08-2004, 08:21 PM
 
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I'm pleased to see that so many of us are having satisfying dating experiences, however they come to us. I'm seeing the firefighter this evening, and I'm thinking that I'll need to have a talk with him about how I'm feeling. It won't be the dreaded "relationship" talk - it is much too soon for that - but I think I need to let him know that as much as I like him and feel a strong chemistry (much stronger than anyone else I've ever been out with!), I'm still feeling vulnerable and scared, and I don't want to get hurt. It's so hard - I look at this guy with his kids and mine, and see "family" - not "dating". I'd like to think that because we are both good parents and we are making an effort to get the kids used to each other that perhaps he is serious about wanting to possibly have a relationship with me in the future, but who knows....

I think my new mantra should be "don't overanalyze!"

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#148 of 241 Old 06-09-2004, 03:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul-O

I think my new mantra should be "don't overanalyze!"
I think that should be all women's mantra!
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#149 of 241 Old 06-09-2004, 03:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul-O

I think my new mantra should be "don't overanalyze!"
I think that should be all women's mantra!
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#150 of 241 Old 06-09-2004, 05:21 PM
 
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Update

We packed a lot into two hours yesterday (I got to his house about 5:30 then had to leave at 7:30 to pick up the boys from stbx). We talked, watched part of the Lakers/Pistons game, ate dinner, and.... messed around a bit . I guess I'm in a better place than I thought I'd be because I feel great today, not weird, and I really enjoyed being touched by someone who isn't out to hurt or coerce me. He even left me a sweet message last night telling me that he enjoyed relaxing with me and appreciated me. I won't talk to him until Sunday probably (he's on duty until Sat. a.m., and I'm moving on Saturday), but I feel very confident now about the direction of this friendship. If it turns into something permanent, great. If not, at least I'm enjoying myself in the process.

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