The Dating Thread - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, spill it Mama's...when's your date, who's it with and give us DETAILS!

The guy I was going to meet last weekend fell through, he IMed me that he was ill. And called this evening and does sound ill, sniffling and croaky sounding. Poor guy. But we have plans of meeting next weekend at the May Day parade. I will have my kids with me, but we can make it very casual as it will be a parade, festival-type atmosphere, yk? I'm going to see if my X's sister will be able to go with me (she is like my best friend IRL) but she is DUE with a baby like right now, so I'm not sure if she will want to...

So anyways, wanted to get that DATING thread started that we were talking about

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#2 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 02:10 AM
 
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Well I'll just be lurking on this thread! The closest I came to dating was being hit on at the Earth Day Festival last weekend! I had tripped and sprained my ankle while setting up my booth... but worked the show anyway. So afterwards the massage therapist across the isle asked if I wanted a foot massage to help with the sprain. He gave me a very nice foot massage and we exchanged cards, etc. Very business like so I didn't think twice about it. He and his friend helped me load the heavy stuff in my car and then when I'm about to drive away the friend says "So how many kids do you have?" I say 1. He asks "you're single, right?" (cause he read my WAHM brochure!) and I say yes. Then he says that I should consider dating his friend cause he's single too!! It took all I could manage not to laugh in their faces. I said thanks for flattering me but I'm not dating again in this decade and thanked them again for helping me load my car.

It was kinda flattering, even though I'd never consider dating anyone right now (feeling like never but who knows what will happen later). I wonder if he'd have asked me out if I'd said 7 kids?!

Good luck on your dates everyone; I'm looking forward to going out on these vicarious dates!

Peace,
Karen
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#3 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 04:20 AM
 
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Well, my date is on Saturday, May 1, but we have been talking almost nightly, via MSN, for the past 2.5 weeks.

He is really great, I am so surprised! We met via the internet, which is why I have waited for 2.5 weeks to meet him, but so far things are fun and exciting! He even sent me the sweetest e-card on Monday because we weren't going to be able to MSN that evening, he takes tap dance lessons on Monday evenings. Also, come to find out, he is the colleague of my friend's sil's brother...did you catch that???? And they rave about him and what a great guy he is!

Talking with him has made me realize that I am not as "screwed" up as I thought I was. Made me realize, my stbx is the screwed up, unhealthy one...not me! Granted, I already knew he was, but it is nice to feel like I am whole again, especially in such a short amount of time. I have been talking about all of this in my therapy sessions and through these sessions, I have realized I am definitely ready for this!

Can I share his "stats" with you all?? I am just so excited, this is so much fun! It is has been so long!!!

Age: 37 (an older man...I am only 30 )
Never been married, no children
5'7-5'9 (not as tall as I would like, my stbx is 6'7"---I am only 5'3" )
Short blond hair
blue eyes
He is an Electrical Engineer working for the University of Amsterdam (I live in Holland)
Has a wonderful relationship with his parents and sister, which was VERY important because of my experiences with stbx and his childhood of abuse and abandonment.
He plays the drums, takes tap and lindy hop (swing dancing) lessons, rock climbs and skis!!!

The best thing is that he is always asking about ds, he is very understanding when I have to leave MSN for 20 minutes because ds is crying ("He needs some attention from his Mommy"--that is what he says )--we only MSN after ds goes to bed, he also asks about stbx because he knows that he is also a big part of my life (stbx and I have a very good "co-parenting" relationship)...all in all, he is just a really nice guy!

Now, what will happen...I honestly don't know. : I am very optimistic, but because I feel so secure with myself and my situation, being a single mommy, I guess it doesn't bother me about what may or may not happen! All I know is I have a great time talking to him, he has a lot of potential for me as a possible partner and it is just FUN!!!!

Sorry this is so long, I just really, really wanted to share this with you all! It is nice to share this kind of stuff with other single mommies...my married and single with no children friends just don't always completely understand!

Thanks for letting me share!!!!
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#4 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 09:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Heather, sounds wonderful! I was smiling reading your post cause I could tell your excitement!

Ok, stats for the guy I'm going to meet:

Age: 32 (I'm 26)
Divorced, with one DD age 7, I believe?
Graduating from college this year with a degree in Social Services
Member and Activist for Veterans for Peace (he was in the Gulf War)
Works with ADD/ADHD kids in group settings
Is a craftsman wit wood, builds his own furniture
Wants to buy land and build his own house, like Mother Earth-style...self sufficient etc
COOKS and shops at his co-op, eats minimal meat
Wants family life and more kids

He sounds like an absolute dream. I can't wait to meet him. We have been chatting for about a month, I'd say online and on the phone. So hopefully this weekend I will meet him!

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#5 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 11:43 AM
 
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I know I do not belong on this thread with you guys, but I wanted to let you know I am happy for all of you..and to let you know that the wonderful guy I met online almost three months ago is still just as wonderful...kids love him, his kids and family love me, and it is getting VERY serious..we are talking about his moving to be closer to me so he can see and get to know my kids more(he is 2 hours away and the weekends they are with their dad, so I go up to his place)

Good men are out there, be sure of that! Peace, Karen
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#6 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 02:45 PM
 
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Hi!
I decided to try internet dating about 2 months ago.
Met a great guy online. We chatted for a few weeks online & on the phone before we met.
We've had 3 dates so far...the first was 4 hours.
He's really nice, very interesting, we have a lot of common interests. He's a very involved dad & seems to be very respectful of his kid.....even co-sleeps.
We're taking things slowly....which is nice & so far so good.
We've both spent the past few years licking our wounds & working on ourselves. We've both been separated about the same time & both started to look at dating around the same time.
I'll keep you posted
~ L.J.
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#7 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 04:55 PM
 
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Good Luck on your dates Ladies!!
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#8 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 06:46 PM
 
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Wemoon, that guy sounds pretty awesome.

Which one of you has the tattooed wedding wing? I forget. How does that come into play when dating?

Anyway, lurking happily..... :
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#9 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 09:06 PM
 
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Good luck with these dates, everyone - we all deserve to have some flirtation and attention from the opposite sex now and then .

I wouldn't exactly call my event a "date" - rather, I'm going bodysurfing with some co-workers on Saturday May 8 (had to change the date - the house I'm selling closes escrow on May 6 and I need to move the rest of my stuff out of it this weekend), and one of them is bringing along her single brother, who is a 35 year old dentist. I understand he is extremely cute and very witty - also that he likes petite redheads (i.e. me ), so I'm hoping he will be interesting to hang out with for the day.

Looking forward to hearing the reports from everyone!

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#10 of 241 Old 04-28-2004, 11:01 PM
 
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I hope you all don't mind my sneaking in here. I am considering divorce right now and reading all of what you guys are enjoying makes me feel like there is hope for after all this is over. Hopefully you will enjoy knowing that you have brought a certain sense of relief to a very angsty Mommy. Have fun, all of you!!!
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#11 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 03:06 AM
 
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Non-dating ladieS: please sneak, lurk, comment and help those of us "dating" single mommies through this new phase! You have a different "perspective" on all of this, which could be very beneficial to us all!

Wemoon, I agree, without putting on too much pressure, he seems like a real gem! Please keep us updated!!!

I notice that a lot of single mommies tend to date single daddies...to be completely honest, I don't know if I would want to date a single daddy. Positively, absolutely no offense to SingleDad, if you are reading this! I like the fact that ds is the "only" child involved...does this make sense? Am I being ridiculous about this? Any thoughts????

L.J., what did you do on your first date? How often do you guys talk? I like the fact that you both are on the same "timetable", that is nice and I would think very helpful!

Last, but not least, magnoliablue...I would like to think you are always welcome on this board! I know that you were a big help to me during my initial rough times, we even had a couple of PMs. (we need a smiley with a Thank you sign) So, I think your advice and thoughts are greatly needed...kind of a been there, done that, sort of thing! I know I have a few questions for you, especially in regards to the new partner and meeting the children! I am not at the point, but I would like to get some thoughts while I am on my way!

Man, I am long-winded today! :
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#12 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 09:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Heather, I would mostly prefer someone that is not a full-time dad. I honestly can't see meshing lives with someone who has a live-in child. But I can see being with a weekend dad.

I will keep you all updated, Sunday is fast approaching...He does just sound wonderful, and if he lived up to even half of what he says it would be a 110% improvement over X.

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#13 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 09:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul-O
I'm going bodysurfing with some co-workers on Saturday May 8

Is that what they are calling it these days? :LOL

I wish everyone luck on their dates!
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#14 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 10:50 AM
 
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Holland
We weny for lunch and after 2 hours we moved to a bookstore & hung out there for another 2 hours.

I met several men online with no kids or older kids and they didn't really "get" my parenting & they weren't very understanding about my timetable, etc. There are probably lots of men out there without kids that would be great though.

The guy I've been seeing has a little girl who is in between the ages of my boys. In some ways I think it's great. We are both doing similar things & can take the kids places together for lots of casual dates, etc. It does pose more difficulty with scheduling and it also adds one other person that has to fit into the mesh of this thing if it continues to evolve.

I think you'll find whoever is "right" for you & whether or not they have kids will not matter.
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#15 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 11:36 AM
 
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[QUOTE=AnnMarie]Is that what they are calling it these days? :LOL

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#16 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 02:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mocha09
Which one of you has the tattooed wedding wing? I forget. How does that come into play when dating?
That is me. I had started wearing just a regular ring over it, but my sil said it looked like an engagement ring and made me take it off when I went out. He never commented on it....maybe he thought I used to be in a gang or something :LOL My exhusband is being ordered to pay for it's removal as part of the divorce settlement, so I guess I am going to look into getting that done, and from now on any declarartions of love can come with a big ol rock attached (I am so just kidding, I totally don't even care about things like that).

You guys have so much fun! Sounds like you guys are meeting some really great guys.

And to you mamas that are in more long term relationships now....how do you do it? Maybe I am making it harder than it needs to be, but stbx lives cross country, so does not have visitation, and since I am commited to the children not meeting someone unless I know it is going to be long term it seems almost impossible to pursue anything other than the most casual friendship....Maybe it is because I have a really hard time convincing anyone to babysit? Or maybe it is because I know my family would disapprove at this point....Or maybe it is because that is all I am ready for and I will see a way to make it happen if I become ready for more I dunno
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#17 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 02:31 PM
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I'm dating! And I'm kind of excited, because last night was date #2 and it was really great, and I really like this guy.... and I've been single forever, and wasn't even interested in dating for a long time after Rain was born - just no time or energy for it, and I had to get myself healthy first - and now I can't believe I've met such a great guy.

He's 44 (I'm 36) and has 3 kids, two boys who are 14 and 16 and a 6 yr old daughter, and he has them all every other week. I've heard him on the phone with them and I like the way he talks to them, very respectful and friendly. I've heard him working things out with the boys, listening and negotiating, and once his daughter called to have him listen to a song. My daughter is 11, so there's a pretty big gap age-wise, and I think that's good, too...

He has degrees from Stanford and MIT and recently he was CFO for a company I know you've all heard of, but now he's trying to sort of figure out what he really wants to do with his life... which I think is a good thing. He seems to be really thinking about the big questions, and out goals and ideas seem to match up pretty well... and he's interesting to talk to, and we laugh a lot together.

Date #1 was dinner and ice cream, and lasted about 4 hours. Date #2 was a walk down by the river and then lots of talking and skipping rocks, and then large amounts of sushi (yum!), and lasted 5 1/2 hours. Date #3 will probably be this Sunday....

Dar

 
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#18 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 04:49 PM
 
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Thank you Holland, for the compliments.. I will never stray from this board because I also got a lot of support through this year, and made a lot of good friends!

To answer your question about how it is dating a single dad..I love it. He has two sons, 13 and 17, and the 17 year old is really wrapped up in the teen life. We see the 13 year old at least one day every other weekend, and he is an awesome kid. He has really welcomed me and I enjoy hanging with him.

My bf loves my kids and has really helped with my oldest, who has had the hardest time with the divorce. His seeing his own sons go through it has really helped him give my son advice when he asks for it.

The only rough spot is my ex..lol..big surprise. He hates the thought of the kids getting close to my bf, but he will just have to deal. He tries to guilt my oldest when he talk about the time he spends with my bf, which sucks, but we are getting through it day by day.

There are some other rough waters you have to navigate when things get more serious, and we are reaching those right now..but he is a great guy and really puts the kids feelings first, and that makes him even more special.

I have to say I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. I was driving down the road one day, and I had this feeling come over me I could not explain. Then it hit me.. It was peace. I had not a care in the world, I was free and everything was tranquil. I love that feeling, I hope it stays around for a while.
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#19 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 04:59 PM
 
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Okay, my guy has just confirmed he's coming for dinner tomorrow night! I'm already getting a pit in my stomach! He cooks gourmet......so what was I thinking?!?!?!? I know he'll be cool with anything I serve. He's easy going & also very attentive.

I'm completely excited to see him again. It will be our shortest date yet (only 2 hours -- LOL) because he has to be somewhere for work after. It will still be great to get together again.

I am also a little stressed because I got my haircut this week & it's shorter than I'd like.......I was thinking of trying to counterbalance that with a low cut shirt!!! LOL (Might as well take advantage of my breastfeeding breasts while I can!)

I feel like I'm 16 all over again. But with my heart racing like this, I know I'm still alive!
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#20 of 241 Old 04-29-2004, 10:08 PM
 
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Body Surfing is basically diving straight into the ocean waves - it's a great rush, especially when the weather is hot and the water is cold (typical So. CA pattern).

Hopefully I won't blind anyone when I show my lilywhite legs in a bathing suit!

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#21 of 241 Old 04-30-2004, 01:37 AM
 
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Brusselsprout (btw, I love the nickname! ),

I have thought long and hard about the "introducing ds to the potential 'mate' question. I actually just had a very long therapy session about this topic. I even made a list of guidelines for stbx stating a 6 month limit before introduction, granted, I have come to realize that guideline was made because of my anxiety, fear and anger. When I start to feel anxiety, fear or anger with stbx, I immediately try to "control" the situation, hence the guidelines.

I have come to realize that for a relationship to become serious, it is very important to see how that potential mate will interact with ds. I would hate to keep ds "hidden", which would also be very, very difficult, for 6 months then see the potential mate interact with ds in a negative way or not fully understand the COMPLETE picture of having children...what a waste of time that would be!

Therefore, I will be having a talk with stbx about deleting that guideline and letting him introduce ds to his new girlfriend...although, I HAVE to be there for the first introductions and might even request that I meet her and her daughter without stbx there. This woman could be a future step-mommy to my baby...I MUST meet her! Stbx understands and completely respects my need to meet her and apparently, according to him, she, the new girlfriend who is also a single mommy, thinks it is a good idea too!

As for introducing ds to my "very new" potential mate...not until after a couple more dates first. We don't even have our first date until Saturday, so it will be a few more weeks, maybe even a month or so, down the road.
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#22 of 241 Old 04-30-2004, 12:28 PM
 
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Holland.. I agree with you about lifting the 6month rule..for that very reason. If you are in a relationship that lasts 6 months, chances are you are pretty serious about the person. For there to then be a negative interaction with your kids would be a pretty difficult thing to handle emotionally.

The first time my kids started spending time with their dad's gf, I wrote her a letter explaining what I expected of her, letting her know ow precious they were to me, and hopnig that she would treat them as her own when she was with them. She has not let me down yet, and my kids have made a pretty smooth transition.

I let my kids also be a judge of character. They liked my bf instantly, but they are more likely to pick up any negative habits/personality traits than me, as they aren't IN the relationship..understand? They have a more open mind and are even more judgemental as far as my livelihood is concerned, having seen what I went through.

My oldest had the hardest time, so he was the hardest one to impress so to speak, and he loves my bf..they have found a lot in common, which is great, because he could use another positive role model.

I do agree that you need to have some time together as a couple to have an idea where you are heading..if you decide to get into a monogamous relationship, then I can say it is safely time to bring the kids into it. If it a casual,non committal thing, I'd hold off, because you really do not want a revolving door of people in and out of your kids lives..that sends an even more insecure message to them,IMO.

Good luck, and you can PM me anytime to chat about this!
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#23 of 241 Old 04-30-2004, 12:49 PM
 
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Now see, you had to go and make sense I totally agree with your logic. Now I am going to have to think things through again.

The reason that I was adamant about *not* bringing these men into my life was seeing my sil bring so many different men into her life. Her little daughter would just be getting attached to someone and then he would be gone. The saddest was when she would start calling a man daddy I would get SO mad at sil for letting her daughter know the men she was dating. I suppose part of it was the way the men were introduced and the way they interacted in front of her daughter, huh? Like I would probably be more careful not to be huggy kissy in the beginning or whatever.

On the other hand I remember when my dad married my step-mom both my brother and I felt like it was so weird because we hardly knew her at all...because dad didn't really introduce us to her.

But on the other hand again, I remember the woman my dad dated before my step-mom and feeling SO attached to her and her daughter and being devestated when they split up.

Geesh! This is so complicated, isn't it? I guess I am going to have to sit down and do some more thinking on the subject....and here I thought I had it all figured out :LOL
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#24 of 241 Old 04-30-2004, 01:16 PM
 
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brussel..it is hard, nomatter which choice you make. Because the kids have already seen how relationships can be impermanent, and you never want to put them through that again, so you really do have to walk a very fine line..

Because even the best of relationships may not make it to the marriage level, yet how can you get to that level without letting there be some interaction with the children? It is a Catch-22, and what you have to hope is that by the time you are in a relationship that seems serious enough to warrant bringing the person around your kids, you are both at a place mentally where this really could be "it" or at least have that potential some day.

We were very careful not to be overly affectionate in the very beginning of his being arund the kids, and still, we aren't all over each other..he will hold my hand or put his arms around me in front of them, but that is about it as far as physical demonstration. They are ok with that limit and so are we.
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#25 of 241 Old 04-30-2004, 03:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brusselsprout
Now see, you had to go and make sense I totally agree with your logic. Now I am going to have to think things through again.
Yeah, I know...sometimes I wish I weren't so logical, also! :

Magnoliablue, I complete agree with the not being overly affectionate in the beginning. Ds (who is only 9.5 months...so, it is not as big of a deal as if he were a toddler) has been around, fairly frequently, my wonderful guy friends. Guys I have absolutely NO romantic attachments too. So, there are other men in his life, which is helpful.

But, as I stated, ds is only 9.5 months, so I am not as worried as I would be if he were a bit older, although it does set up a precedent, therefore I treat the situation as though he were a toddler. Does that make sense??? Or am I just talking in circles???

Well...my date is tomorrow night! We have been talking almost every single night this week, he has been calling and msn'ing me. It is kind of nice.

In the past, I was always the pursuant...I was the strong women that "thought" she knew what she wanted and went after it, or him! Now, I want to be pursued, wooed, made to feel like he NEEDS me! So, I am a little more vague and reserved than I normally would be, but I am not lying...just not going into full detail. It is working out great! He is very curious about how many other men I am dating at the same time. He does not have any children, so he does not understand that I cannot and do not want to go out all the time...don't have the time or energy. Being a single mommy is exhausting and I love being home in the evenings with ds...that is our time together! It is funny because he keeps asking me about his "competition", although I keep telling him, "It is not as bad as you think!" Silly, silly men!!!!
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#26 of 241 Old 04-30-2004, 04:39 PM
 
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Just to add to the part about introducing kids........

All kinds of relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Our kids will have friends, neighbours etc. who may just walk out of their lives too. We used to have a playgroup and things got really ugly & we don't see most of those moms & kids anymore even though we thought we were all friends. Things happen between very close friends and sometimes we move in different directions.

I know that the relationship with a man is different because there would probably be more frequent interaction etc. But I think, like most things, our children will follow our lead in how we handle the situation.

My niece & nephew still have close contact with one of their dad's ex-girlfriends, because she was a key person in their lives at a very important time.

And I agree with others, if it was just going to be casual or there may be many different men, I would never think of introducing them. But if I'm getting excited about a man, I think it has it's place.
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#27 of 241 Old 05-03-2004, 12:31 PM
 
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My first date on Saturday night was interesting! I was ridiculously nervous, my best friend, who was babysitting for me anyway, come over early to provide some support.

It was strange because I felt like I already really knew him well, from all the internet chats, phone conversations and emails...but, when we were together physically (in context, I mean), I felt like I was "catching-up"! Does this make any sense? I am having a hard time explaining it.

He was a great guy, went to a Fondue restaurant. Dutch fondue is horrible, it was my first time, otherwise I would have suggested something else! They give you a little pot of grease, some raw meat (to cook in the grease) and some french fries...very typical Dutch!

I had 3 glasses of red wine...big mistake, because my mouth was just babbling away! After dinner and a trip to the ice cream parlor, I invited to my place for a drink and chat with me and my girlfriend. He stayed at my place for about 2 hours and we all had a wonderful conversation...he is very laid-back and personal!

The end of the date had me walking him to his car, where he proceeded to give me the "standard" Dutch 3 kisses on each cheek goodbye, but on the 3rd kiss he planted a very gentle kiss on my lips...it was very sweet!

I realized at 4am that I never thanked him for dinner Talk about a big oops!

We IMed yesterday evening, he started it, and it was a little strange...the conversation was a bit strained. I immediately apologized for not thanking him for dinner and asked if I had scared him away (me and my girlfriend really drilled him). He told me that he did not scare easily, so "no need to worry about scaring away on his side". But, we also didn't make plans for another date...is this bad????

He was a really nice guy and I would like to see him again. This dating thing is so strange...I feel like a teenager again!
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#28 of 241 Old 05-03-2004, 01:27 PM
 
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Congrats on what sounds like a good time I think there are always going to be strained times in the beginning as you get to know each other and know how you mesh. (And I am so laughing about the babbling thing....I drank Jolt on that date I went on and could hardly keep up with my own mouth And here I was thinking if I drank some wine next time it would mellow me out!)

Are you trying to wait for him to ask you again? I so don't know the rules of dating or how that all is supposed to work. I think I remember you saying you wanted someone to pursue you and romance you though (In my current situation it is very difficult for me to get a babysitter, so I kind of send out feelers like "I think I might be able to get a babysitter on Saturday night" or whatever when I actually can go out).

I don't think you should worry too much about not making a second date yet. After my first date we both said "Yeah, it would be great to do something again" but then didn't make any plans. Yesterday I called him up and we made not one, but two dates (Gonna go see Van Helsing this weekend and then we are going to go see "An evening with Souxsie" Both Souxsie and the Banshees and the Creatures in one night , but that is in the future a ways.)

I have been thinking about what you said about introducing the kids, and I am starting to think you are right. I am still putting some thought into it, but I do agree with the idea that the kids need to get along with anyone that is going to be in my life. We have a big county fair here in July, I think I might introduce them then....we will see (Partly this will depend on me making my mind up about him...I really thought I just wanted a casual friend or whatever, but the NRE has really kicked into high gear and I find myself thinking about him ALOT, so now I just don't know)
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#29 of 241 Old 05-03-2004, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holland, sounds like it went well! I wouldn't worry about the second date, it will come

Well, I met the guy I've been chatting with this weekend as well. We met at the May Day festival. It was real funny, he called my cell and we figured out where each other was at the festival and managed to find each other. I had no clue who I was looking for, so I told him to look for me, I would be wearing ds on my back. :LOL And he found me!

It was very casual, very none pressure-like at all. I had my kids there, so basically I just chased them down the whole time, then we found a playground and the kids went and played and we sat on a bench and talked. The meeting was very short, like 2 hrs, but at least I got to actually see who I was talking with. He has IMed me today, and it all seems real cool.

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#30 of 241 Old 05-03-2004, 10:37 PM
 
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Delurking to let you all know how much I'm enjoying dating vicariously through all of you. Even a happily married gal sometimes misses those butterflies that come with first dates.
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