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#1 of 15 Old 03-18-2014, 11:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hello all

my ex husband wants our child for three times a week and i need as much evidence to prove why this is a bad idea for us. our son is only one and i'm still breastfeeding. i do not want to be without my son for three days and nights. i'll panic.


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#2 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 02:49 AM
 
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That sounds like a good argument to me. You breastfeed!!!!!! I hope it all works out for the best for you and your son. Hugs!
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#3 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 05:23 AM
 
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That sounds so hard and he is so young.

You should definitely post this in the breastfeeding forum though for more responses.
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#4 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 05:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for the replies you two! :)

i'm not only looking for a breastfeeding argument but an overall one.

i want many reasons on why it is bad idea, y'know? but yeah i'll probably post in the bfing forum section too.


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#5 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 06:01 AM
 
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You are right you will get more stories of peeples use of breastfeeding in court here.

It does seem like too much too soon. How involved is he now?
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#6 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 08:19 AM
 
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sorry to be quick, am at work...

 

search my previous posts on this topic to see how i avoided overnights while nursing and search the LLL site for liz baldwins essays.  she saved my bfing relationship on her deathbed.  :candle


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#7 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 10:17 AM
 
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Few courts will order overnights for a one year old. Best to do is get some consults with local lawyers (they'll often give a free short meeting) and find out what's standard for your area. Usually a few short visits during the week is appropriate.


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#8 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 05:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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he pays for child support and comes by once a week. he was a really great dad and in a way i guess he still kind of is. just not as much. our son will turn two in August but i really do not want our son to do overnights. :loveeyes

if i don't have our son here, i feel like i don't have a purpose. i also stress out about if he is okay. things like that is making me dread this divorce.faint.gif

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Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post
 

sorry to be quick, am at work...

 

search my previous posts on this topic to see how i avoided overnights while nursing and search the LLL site for liz baldwins essays.  she saved my bfing relationship on her deathbed.  :candle


can you help me find the post? i'm having a hard time locating it but it sounds exactly what i need! :meditate


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#9 of 15 Old 03-19-2014, 07:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rubelin View Post
 

Few courts will order overnights for a one year old. 

 

So many people still believe this to be true, but it is quite false.  In many areas of this country (US), the needs of babies are being disregarded in favor of "equal" parenting.  In my state, babies were being given to fathers one week on/one week off starting at SIX WEEKS of age.  That was a decade and a half ago!!!  

 

It can depend very much on the mother's routine with the baby.  Does she work 12hr days while the baby is in daycare?  Does she leave the baby overnight with the maternal grandmother?  Does she nurse part-time and use bottles on a daily basis?  Or does she nurse without any bottles at all (it can be done!) and WAH so the baby never leaves her side?  These things are taken into consideration and still sometimes mothers have to hand their newborns over and pump for 7 days straight, praying they can keep up a supply and that their baby doesn't become too terribly nipple confused.

 

 

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Originally Posted by joyblisslove View Post
 

can you help me find the post? i'm having a hard time locating it but it sounds exactly what i need! :meditate

 

Try here, second heading down:

 

http://www.llli.org/law/lawus.html  

 

 

If you don't have time to read through them all, just start here:

 

http://www.llli.org/nb/nbjanfeb96p4.html

 

HTH!


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#10 of 15 Old 03-20-2014, 06:45 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joyblisslove View Post
 

he pays for child support and comes by once a week. he was a really great dad and in a way i guess he still kind of is. just not as much. our son will turn two in August but i really do not want our son to do overnights. :loveeyes

if i don't have our son here, i feel like i don't have a purpose. i also stress out about if he is okay. things like that is making me dread this divorce.faint.gif


can you help me find the post? i'm having a hard time locating it but it sounds exactly what i need! :meditate

It is really hard to let go and send your child away for overnights.   I stayed in a bad relationship for too long because I couldn't stand the thought of sending a young child away for weekends, but I'm still honestly not sure if that was the right decision or not! And I agree that 3 overnights right away (I assume you mean consecutively) would be way too much.  I would also encourage you, however, to separate how it makes you feel to not have your son there and how your son is doing with it.  I still don't like that I *have* to send my kids to dad's EOW, but I am at the point when I manage to enjoy the break instead of agonizing over the fact that they aren't there.

 

If it goes to court, you will almost definitely be ordered overnights for your son.  It sounds like your ex is being somewhat agreeable and flexible, so I would suggest a step-up plan that lets you do it on your terms instead of jumping right to 3 overnights.  How long is he seeing your son now for the once a week?  That is not very much time either way, and I think the first thing to do is to ask him to increase that time so your son starts adjusting to longer periods without you.  Maybe suggest afternoons (3 hours or so) plus one longer weekend day a week-from what I remember, short frequent contact is best for younger kids. Then add in one overnight, maybe working up to weekday afternoon visits plus every other weekend Saturday a.m. to Sunday afternoon.  Make each step contingent upon your ex taking all the time he is offered in the previous step.

 

Good luck.  I've always heard that judges are less likely to consider breastfeeding in an older child, but perhaps things are changing now.


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#11 of 15 Old 03-21-2014, 10:24 AM
 
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I think the suggestion above to work with your sons age and focusing on a gradual increase for his sake would be better. Start with what is best for him. Highlight the importance with time with dad and increase it. Once a week is not enough for either of them to maintain their relationship.

My son is two and a half and about to start one overnight every two weeks. I think he will be a little upset but will manage okay. He is with his older sister though which will help.

Definitely before doing overnights your ex needs to be regularly doing the whole day. And taking care of meals, diapers etc.

What would your ideal schedule look like?
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#12 of 15 Old 03-22-2014, 04:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really don't know how to change my feelings about it. I mean, my son is and has been ALWAYS with me. The idea of him no longer here makes me feel terribly uneasy. And yes, it is consecutively.

 

My ideal schedule would be to have his dad come by to visit him everyday tbh!

but not to be out for a long period of time.

 

ty for the links blessedwithboys


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#13 of 15 Old 03-22-2014, 05:31 AM
 
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It really sounds like you need to work on issues you have with separating from your son. While I totally understand your reservations about overnights with his dad, there are tons of times when he will have to be away from you: when he starts school, when he wants to have sleepovers with his friends, when he wants to start riding around the block on his bike with his friends and not you, etc. Granted, those are all still in the relatively distant future, but if you feel without purpose and uneasy at the thought of him being away with his dad, how will you feel in those situations where the people involved aren't genetically linked to him?

 

You can't keep him at your side forever to give yourself purpose. And I would be very careful about saying things like that to a judge, because those arguments are ones that could convince a judge that it's healthier for your child, as well as you, if the child goes to see his dad 3 overnights a week. Use factual arguments: you breastfeed, his father sees him regularly but not for much time so you feel there needs to be a slower buildup to what his father is asking for, the child is not quite ready to separate from you like that (this would go back to the father seeing him regularly but not for much time argument), and other things like this that can be proven and have a legitimate place in arguing why visitation as he's requesting is a bad idea. Not that your feelings of missing your son if he's away aren't legitimate, but the whole "I have no purpose if he's not here" and "I feel uneasy if he's not with me" is about you, rather than about what's best for the child - and the judge's concerns have to be about what's best for the child. And as I already said, those statements could also make the judge believe that it would be healthier for your son to be away from you - going against what you're wanting.

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#14 of 15 Old 03-22-2014, 06:37 AM
 
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I totally agree with the above poster.

 

I think it feels strange for all of us to be away from our kids overnight or all day, especially the first few times and especially at a young age.  But assuming the dad is a decent parent, your son will be okay.  My ex had never had the kids overnight alone when we separated, and I was incredibly nervous and upset and cried the whole time-but...the kids were fine.  And it's not about me. 

 

I'd love to have my kids every night, but it's just not realistic to think that would happen.  Nor is it fair to the kids if they have a decent dad who wants to be involved.  I think you need to start thinking about your ideal schedule + what is realistic + what your son can handle and what is best for him.  I know it's hard to imagine that you and your son will be okay with separations, but that is why I strongly encourage you to offer something that gives dad more time but that doesn't have son away from you for 3 days at a time, so that hopefully  you can compromise and start with something smaller and more consistent.


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#15 of 15 Old 03-24-2014, 08:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oh! I'll definitely be a-okay with the idea of separating from him in the future. if he wants to bike off with his friends... no problem! believe me, I'm okay with him doing things on his own when the time comes. right now he is just my little baby though!bawling.gif


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