father of child acts immature. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 03-24-2014, 07:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a 4 year old with a guy that acts like he is 12. We have been split for a year and two months now. We were together off and on for 4 years. I decided to end things because he was mentally abusive. When things first ended I decided to get a lawyer and me and him agreed on I would have my daughter during the week and he would have her every weekend. Ever since then he has been trying to make my life a living hell. Things got so bad and he would txt me horrible things calling me, horrible names. Then he would apoligize to me the next day. He told me he is bi polar. He would tell my daughter that I didnt love her and that I didnt want us to be a family. That really upset me. Recently I found out he was smoking pot which he has had problems in the past with that and is a felon because of it. I asked my daughter if she gets baths or gets her teeth brushed when she is over there every weekend she says no. I cant comminucate with him without it getting ugly. I cant co parent when we cant even agree on anything. He has a gf who recently said to me that I needed to work on my daughters speech with her when there is nothing wrong with her speech in the first place. Im pretty sure his gf doesnt even have custody of her two kids. My daughter told me that her dad said to her that the kids will make fun of her when she goes to school because of the way she talks. I would like to get my daughter away from her dad because I think it would be in her best intrest. I dont really have the money for another lawyer. I just need some advice on how to handle the situation.
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#2 of 5 Old 03-29-2014, 09:52 AM
 
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OP, that sounds like a tough situation. It looks like your post might have been missed so I'm bumping it up for attention. :bump: Anyone have experiences to share?


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#3 of 5 Old 03-29-2014, 09:39 PM
 
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Hi,

I'm a father of a 4 year old nearly 5. My divorce just ended and I have full custody thankfully. My xw is supposedly bipolar but she is a complex case. Maturity issues seem to be part of that diagnosis and the level is stupefying. If he is a felon then my recommendation is the following: assuming you're in a fairly healthy place emotionally, I'd pursue custody. Record conversations, document everything, texts, emails, everything. Assess your exposure and expect nothing from him. Do not discuss anything other than your daughter. Find friends and family who can help you get as much time as possible. Divorce yourself from everything regarding your relationship and understand that at this time it's better for her to be with you all the time. Surround yourself with positive people. Distance yourself from the abuse and do not respond to provocative communications.

Don't get riled about every little thing, it will drive you crazy. Even if it is illegal to record conversations, get him to admit things on the phone and keep a journal. The court is only interested in what you can prove. Use email to get admissions. Be manipulative to get admissions, by that I mean temper the conversations so he is comfortable admitting these things in email. Play it like a game, it will pay off. This requires you to be stoic and smart. It's a chess game.

Let go of any ideas you had of how it could be or what your daughter is missing out on. Place your sights on the best you can make it for her and you on your own. Consult a child psychologist if you think it would help, but find a good one. Talk with her, bond with her, let her know it's ok to feel mad, sad, or anything and that you feel that way too so she is not alone in her feelings. Make your home her home. If she asks why he speaks to her this way, explain that daddy is having a hard time and that his brain is different and that is why he acts the way he does, make it about him so she doesn't blame herself. Get her involved in social activities, playdates at home, be there for her. Allow her room to process and act out and make sure to facilitate her feelings by keeping language simple, concrete, but that it's good to talk about her feelings and cry if need be.

When he says inappropriate things, give her confidence that isn't true and be understanding of the hard time she is having because of all of this. Mirror behavior, this is so important. Set the example because he isn't. You don't want her coming up with her own answers so make sure to ask her questions from time to time. Validate her feelings and frustrations. Use your life experience to share.

My ew did all the same things, even medicated my daughter to get her to sleep early so she didn't have to parent. If he is on medications where he shouldn't be driving and is using pot, use that for your case. Try and get this documented so any time he will eventually have will be supervised visits. Then you can be worry free.

To my astonishment, my xw hasn't seen or spoken to my dd in a month and has no plans to. Is after a year and a half of fighting for custody. She is a major pot head, on tons of medications, and it's only gotten worse. But my dd and I are well. I don't even recognize the person I married and neither does my daughter.

Get family involved and make your lives routine and fluid and full of positive encourage,ent for her.
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#4 of 5 Old 04-01-2014, 07:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your advice. It is very helpful to me. One way or another im getting her away from him.
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#5 of 5 Old 04-09-2014, 12:59 PM
 
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I'm on the same boat as you. My son's father is making my life a living hell as well. And he's bi-polar, acts like he's 12, lives at home with his mom, and smokes pot like 100X a day.

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