I just can't do it. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 03-25-2014, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've posted here twice before about my relationship issues and am coming here again in hopes of advice...
I am 32 weeks pregnant now and "trying to work things out" with the father of my unborn daughter. I found out he had been texting and sexting with a few other girls while he had also been seeing and exchanging "I love yous" with another woman (a "friend" of his). I was strong for about two days. I was done with him. I was going to figure out how to do this on my own. Until he apologized. He said he never should have went seeking attention elsewhere, said he wanted us to be together and be solid for our daughter. We made up. A week later the woman who was "just a friend" started posting love songs on her Facebook and he was "Liking" them. I ignored it because, it's just Facebook.

It's been a month now and things are awful. He answers his calls when I call him, and doesn't flake on me, but we only see eachother once a week and he refuses to add me back on Facebook (in a fit of anger the morning I found out he was cheating I deleted him and everyone I had met through him). We don't live together (we had plans to move in together but those plans fell through a couple months ago). I express to him that I would like to spend more time with him, but he's always "busy" now. I told him I wanted to be "Facebook friends" again and he laughed and said "I don't re-add people who just delete me on a whim". The handful of times we've spent time together he's still just as distant as he was before I found out what he had been doing. He's affectionate, but distant (if that makes any sense), and jokingly says hurtful things. Whenever I NEED something, he's there for me, but I have to NEED it, I can't just "want" it (like, if I need a ride to an appointment or if I need something pregnancy-related). I feel like I can't trust him but can't bring myself to leave him either.
I want us to be together for our daughter. Every sign he gives me says I shouldn't want that, but I do, so, so, SO badly. I don't want to not want him around. I don't want to not want him there for the delivery. I don't want my daughter to have two houses. I don't want him to not be there for her every morning when she wakes up. I don't want him to miss out on things. I don't want to co-parent.
Some of my friends say it will get easier to separate from him once my daughter is here and my hormones aren't a wreck, but it just seems to be getting harder and harder. I'm so afraid. I've been seeing a head doctor to try to help with this, but all she says is to leave him, too. She says he's a bad guy, won't change, and I should run in the opposite direction. I feel like such a failure as a woman for wanting him around. I feel like I'm failing my daughter for having created her with someone who would do this to us. Does anyone have any advice?

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#2 of 12 Old 03-25-2014, 03:39 PM
 
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What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation?

 

My guess is that you don't really want "him". You want a man that will be in a loving relationship with you. That means someone who respects you, doesn't cheat, make jokes at your expense, etc. This guy has already shown you his true colors, your relationship with him isn't ever going to be what you wish it could be. Its okay to be disappointed, mourn that loss, etc. Its okay to be mad at him and yourself. It does sound like he isn't a great choice for a parent. But something beautiful will still come of it - an amazing new baby.

But to go back to this borderline abusive relationship - don't do it. It isn't what is best for your or your daughter. Its going to be incredibly hard. You are worth it. Show your daughter that you know your worth and in turn she will learn and understand her worth. These next few months will be hard. Lean on people you can trust. Oh, and get a lawyer.

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#3 of 12 Old 03-25-2014, 06:15 PM
 
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This man is an absolute nightmare.  I am so terribly sorry you are in this situation.  And I can promise you with 100% certainty that staying with him would be a thousand times worse than co-parenting and having your daughter grow up with 2 households.  Please move on.  My ex was a lot like this guy sounds, and now that I'm out, looking back, I can not BELIEVE how awful it was.  You will feel the same way, with some distance and time apart, it will become clearer and clearer what a bullet you dodged by leaving.  Please, do not take him back (doesn't even sound like he's making himself available, anyway).


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Catherine Anne "KJ" born November 10th, 2011

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#4 of 12 Old 03-25-2014, 09:28 PM
 
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First, you are not a failure! Not at all. You are a concerned and loving mama going through a shitty situation.
Second, he is not going to be the person/partner/father you want him to be. Ever. Stay away from him, find support elsewhere. The best thing you can do for your child is to not depend on this man for anything. (except child support)
Third, being a single mama is hard. Being in a relationship with a jerk and trying to raise a child with them is harder. You can do this on your own, hopefully with lots of support from family/friends/church. You take good care of your child right now by taking good care of yourself, and staying away from people who treat you like crap.
Fourth, consider talking to a lawyer to start the process of custody and child support arrangements. Being proactive about those two things will serve you well in the long run.
And lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. None of this is your fault. hug.gif

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#5 of 12 Old 03-26-2014, 02:16 PM
 
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Nobody wants to go through pregnancy and parenting alone.  I understand your concerns and your fears, and I'll be praying that you'll make the best decision for you and your daughter.  You have two people to think about now, and as a single mom myself, I pray about every single big decision I make.  It has lasting effects, and not just on my own life.  Best wishes to you.

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#6 of 12 Old 03-26-2014, 04:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by quirkylayne View Post
 

What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation?

 

My guess is that you don't really want "him". You want a man that will be in a loving relationship with you.

Such great advice by the PP. 

 

It is so normal to want to have that family with the father of your child.  I stayed in a bad relationship (and had 2 kids) even though it was shown clearly to me during my first pregnancy that it was not healthy for anyone, especially my kids.  We are all much happier now that ex and I are not together.  But I stayed because I wanted my kids to have two parents who loved each other, and a great, healthy, fun family life.  But that is NOT what they grew up with to the point that we separated, and it is highly unlikely that fatherhood is suddenly going to change your ex that drastically either.  He is showing you what he is like right now.

 

I often got the advice to not make any important life decisions until you are 1 year postpartum, because hormones, exhaustion, etc. combine to make anyone a little fuzzy about what they really want.  So I'd encourage you to wait a year to commit to this man.  End the relationship for now and, after a year, reevaluate.  If he has majorly stepped up and is treating you and your daughter the way you deserve to be treated, then that is awesome-your daughter will be young enough that all she'll ever remember is you guys together.  BUT, if after a year he is still messing with your head and treating you badly, then you'll know you made the right decision, and your daughter will be young enough that she won't remember a time that you were together and so will grow up with two houses as her norm, which I think is easier to handle for many kids.

 

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth, and these very tough decisions!


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#7 of 12 Old 03-30-2014, 09:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you to everyone for your words of advice.
I wish this was easier. I wish I could just erase all the good times, all the promises, all of it. We planned this pregnancy. He asked me to get off the pill and we sat down and decided to start a family together. We had a wedding date planned. It's hard to let go of all of that.
It's not that I just want to be loved. If it was just that, that would be easy. I have men in my life who want to step up and love me and take care of me. I don't want that,I don't want anyone but him, I don't want anything but my family.

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#8 of 12 Old 03-30-2014, 12:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by quirkylayne View Post
 

What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation?

 

This right here is what helped me find the courage to finally get me and our four children out of the situation we were in. I didn't want my sons to grow up thinking the way their dad treated me was the right way for them to treat their own partners, and I certainly didn't want my daughter to think that she should look forward to a man treating her that way.

 

It is *hard*!!! My ex and I were together for almost 14 years. I still love him, and it's hard to walk away from what I wanted it to be, but I had to. And I went through mourning, and still sometimes wish he was still around, just to have someone familiar near by during those hard times (I was fairly isolated from family while we were together, so they are getting to know my kids now, etc).

 

Men who do things like this as a rule don't change. They just don't. Staying with him will probably end up a roller coaster of good times and bad, the bad times lasting longer and longer, and the good times becoming few and far between.

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#9 of 12 Old 03-30-2014, 07:29 PM
 
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I suggest cutting all contact for a few weeks or until the birth if you can then see how you feel. It will also give you two months to grieve about your loss and feel better before you have a baby. It will be ten times harder to grieve and pull yourself together after the baby is born. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and the relief I felt when dd was deployed helped me stay firm about divorcing when he escalated to physical a month after returning.

A clean break for a while may give him a chance to think about what he wants now too. It is possible that he the space will help him realize that he has lost a family he wants to have or it won't. It's better to know now though.
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#10 of 12 Old 03-31-2014, 07:17 AM
 
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You can, and should, do this without him. He's playing games with your head, trying to screw with you. He doesn't really care about you, he just wants to keep you hanging on. 

 

I would cut contact with him. Finish your pregnancy on your own, with support - true support - from friends and family. Let him know when the baby is born, or if you want him there for the birth, let him know when you go into labor. But don't get back together with him. This relationship isn't healthy for you, and it won't be healthy for your daughter. 

 

What you want, what you DESERVE, isn't something he can give - or at least, it's something he won't give. You want a loving, committed relationship, but you can't make him fit that mold. You need to let him go - not the relationship you want, but him. You can still have that relationship that you want to have, it just won't be with him. Focus on your daughter, focus on keeping your pregnancy healthy and stress free, and once she's here, focus on getting into the groove of being a mother. You can do it by yourself, you don't need him. And when the time is right, and the man is right, it'll happen. It'll come together, and while it will still require work, it won't be THIS kind of work. 

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#11 of 12 Old 03-31-2014, 09:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mommapaulina View Post
 

Thank you to everyone for your words of advice.
I wish this was easier. I wish I could just erase all the good times, all the promises, all of it. We planned this pregnancy. He asked me to get off the pill and we sat down and decided to start a family together. We had a wedding date planned. It's hard to let go of all of that.
It's not that I just want to be loved. If it was just that, that would be easy. I have men in my life who want to step up and love me and take care of me. I don't want that,I don't want anyone but him, I don't want anything but my family.

I've heard this happen a few times, and it's heartbreaking and cruel. Men will sometimes get a woman pregnant specifically to have control over her. It sounds like he thinks he can string you along while screwing around now that you're pregnant. Don't let him be right. This isn't want you signed up for, it's going to be hard, but you CAN do it- you can show your child what a strong woman and loving mom you are and that your child never has to put up with being treated badly, no matter how hard things are.


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#12 of 12 Old 04-02-2014, 05:21 PM
 
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Close to a year after my separation, I started dating again. Although I wasn't pregnant for this guy, I was treated very similar. I knew him as a child and therefore trusted him a little to quickly. I introduced my kids to him ( which was a huge mistake),as we were talking marriage. We had made plans etc and my children became attached to this man. It was slow, so at first I never noticed the emotional abuse unfolding. Months and months of it. Everyone, and I mean everyone could see it but me. Deep down I knew, but clung to something that just wasn't there. And no one could convince me otherwise. This man ( I know now) was a sociopath. So I googled dating a sociopath.... And was shocked. It practically described him to a science. He ended up having a girlfriend a province away, and an active marriage in another country. I was crushed. And blamed myself for months afterwards for being so stupid. It took time, but realized it was NOT my fault. As this situation is NOT your fault. I want to share a poem I wrote when I was going through this, and maybe it will help you. I wish you all the best. In your heart you already have your answer to your own question. HUGS


Awakening

A man so scorned awakes in the darkness. Opens his eyes for the first time and sets his eyes upon a warm light. A light he's been looking for his entire life. Finally he sees it and is drawn like moth to a flame.

A woman who burns bright with a fire, strong beyond measure. Her life threw bricks to crush her. With each heavy brick she rearranged them to build herself a foundation. Then as more were thrown she grabbed them more easily, an built herself protective walls.

Her fire was safe, protected. Or so she thought. He stood before her, seeing her brightness shining through all her hard work of protection. She fell.

He gently pulls her to her feet. He touches her check and soft lips meet hers. In an instant all her hard work crumpled into a mound of dust. And as he held her the dust of all the past took flight on a single gust of wind. She stood before him, naked.

She is aware that this man is the only strength she has left. She is afraid. To put so much trust into a man, with nothing left to protect her, but him.

He lifts her into his arms and carries her into a field. They are alone in the world. She holds on to him, clinging, terrified to ever let go.

He sets her down and releases her. She reaches for him, she needs to be touching him or she to will be carried away by the same wind that carried the fragments of her protective walls away.

His beautiful blue eyes blink. Panic. He reaches for her but cannot see. She tries to guide his touch towards her and realizes with terror, he is blind.

Blind to her light, her touch, her everything. She screams, his ears are deaf to her pleas. He sits next to her, alone, not seeing her light, not feeling her touch, not hearing her cries.

She holds on so tight, and the stormy winds increase. She needs his strong arms to hold her, to save her, to protect her from being blown away with each powerful gust.

He cries for her. She's in front of him, but he cannot, will not see her. He feels alone, even though her arms are around him.

She now realizes he does not even know she is there. She becomes weaker, begging him to see her. Her tears stream without fail down her cheeks.

His cries for her are painful, his hands feel nothing but air. The storm whips around them like angry flaming tongues. She must be strong enough to hold on, he needs her. She needs him.

How long can she hold on, her fingers gouge deep into his skin, her hold is weakening. If he doesn't see her soon, it will be to late.

The final gust, rips her hold away from him, she screams a final scream as she is carried away into the depths of the storm. Destroyed.

The winds stop. It is calm. As he sits alone in the field, he looks around. He can see. He is alone.

He now knows she was there all along through his torture. He could feel her there the whole time, but thought it was the storm pulling at him. Thought the screams were the wind ripping at his ears.

It is calm. He can see. And the only thing he needed to protect. Is gone.
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