Single Moms of many? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-26-2014, 12:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi there, 

 

are there any single moms of many kids out there (like three or more)? 

 

Me and H are getting closer and closer towards separation, and I am TERRIFIED. If I weren't so terrified and not feeling so vulnerable and sick being pregnant with n.4 I would have separated long ago. 

 

But than, he is not much of a help, anyway, but at the moment, he is at least physically present, in case I need to go to hospital or anything. 

 

How do you cope? 

 

I guess I need some support...

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Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#2 of 8 Old 03-27-2014, 12:27 AM
 
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Bumping for support.  I don't have 3 or more children, but I can confidently say that single parenting is actually a lot easier than living with the man I left....so I suspect that how you cope as a single parent is probably quite similar to how one copes in a relationship where their partner is unsupportive.  In my case, I have far more free time now than I ever had before (thanks to visitation).  And as the children get older, it gets easier too - they become more independent and able to help.  My x's involvement with parenting was so minimal before we split (basically a playmate but only when he felt like it).  

 

I think one of the big stresses are finances.  I don't know about your area, but many regions have more benefits (e.g. baby bonus) for single parents, lower tax rates, etc....and it's worth investigating this, as well as the child support laws for various custody scenarios.  Being fully informed helps with coping in general.

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#3 of 8 Old 03-27-2014, 09:34 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, Triniity.  I have just the 2, but I do agree, single parenting 2 kids is actually easier than single parenting 2 kids and a full grown man. I barely had time to myself before we separated because I was always responsible for everyone.  So now I don't have time to myself, but at least I don't have to be responsible for HIS stuff, too.  Just mine and the kids.  And it's much cleaner now, too, because he's not here to leave a trail of mess behind him.  His visitation has been about 5 hours per week and no overnights, and it's tiring being on all the time, but still, I would not go back for anything.

 

Will he be a help at all with the baby when it's born? Babies are such a lot of work in any case, but especially if  you don't have on-site backup. 

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Erin, mom to DD (1/06) and DS (10/09)
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#4 of 8 Old 03-27-2014, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He is not much of a help in general. I have a post in "parents as partners" - where I discuss the down spiraling of our relationship. 

 

It's really difficult with him, he is not overtaking anything, and it's a pain to get him actually do his responsibilities. 

 

He feels he should not have to do any of the "housework" (or any work really that is not professional work related). 

 

Yesterday for example he told me that he finds it really unbearable that we have to apply for help with the kids ourselves and that - really - somebody else ought to do it. I was like: Yeah right, somebody is coming to fill out the forms for you, because you can't be bothered...

He sits at the pc for hours and than does not manage to do anything. But he is totally overworked in his mind. 

 

I am always wondering what would happen to him and the kids if REALLY something would happen to me? Would he just swim than? I really doubt it, since he does not really care about anything here. 

 

I am supposed to be on bedrest, but he does not even put the clean clothing away ... 


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#5 of 8 Old 03-28-2014, 02:50 PM
 
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I am a single mama to four. When my ex and I first divorced, we had three and he was deployed, so I was already pretty much a single mom. We tried to reconcile and I had our youngest, but we've been separated since July. I moved from Kansas to Texas to be closer to my family, which was a very hard decision to make because I was taking the kids so far from their dad. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I'd stayed, though, I have no family there, and I've had so much help since we've moved. It's totally possible. It helps to get a support system in place that you can depend on. Don't be afraid to ask for help and *take* whatever help is offered! Because we're so far away, visits with dad are few and far apart, so I don't get much of a break, but I didn't before anyway because he was always working or busy with his friends or his own dad. I've learned to ask my family for some help so I can have time alone to study (I started back to school this semester), or just need to take a breather.

 

It's possible :)  We're doing it and I never thought I'd be able to. We have a lot less stress, too, even the kids which surprises me.

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#6 of 8 Old 04-01-2014, 03:31 PM
 
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Like others, I only have 2 but I agree that single parenting two is easier than single parenting two with a grown man who acts like he's child #3 - and also like a total jerk of a man. 

 

I won't lie and say it's going to be easy. But it will be easier. There will still be stress, but it'll be a different kind of stress - it'll be "normal" stress, rather than "normal" stress plus the stress of trying to figure out how to make your marriage work or your husband act like an adult or whatever it is that's going on. 

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#7 of 8 Old 04-02-2014, 01:38 PM
 
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I have 3 and I agree with pp. Single parenting 3 is easier than coparenting with an ass.

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Single, student mama slingboy.gif to 3 boys jumpers.gif 

 

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#8 of 8 Old 04-02-2014, 03:39 PM
 
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Hi there I'm new here, I just read your post and I have 4 children. I left my husband almost two years ago, and your situation sounds very similar to mine. Physically present but always absent. I have never been happier. Yes it gets lonely, and most times even the closest friend could never understand the time and energy single parenting takes, which ultimately is why I joined this site smile.gif. Being in an unhappy marriage slowly kills you until nothing is left. And when mama is not happy, the children feel that. So I made the decision that was best for myself and my children. They have adapted extremely well. My bond with them has deepened if anything. Don't get me wrong. It's hard, very hard somedays. But I have never doubted my decision. The separation made the stress leave which made me more at ease and therefore I'm finding it easier single parenting, Without the added frustration of constantly nagging for him to pull his weight. There are other stresses added of course, such as being extra tired and having no one to help with as you said " presence". But if I had to choose between slowly hating him and eventually myself... And being wore out a little more than usual, I would take the latter every time. It hope it all works out for you in which ever path you decide to take. We are strong women, and strong women survive wink1.gif
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