i think this is really it... but not sure - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 04-10-2014, 11:53 PM - Thread Starter
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My marriage has been tumultuous from day one. 5 years of marriage. and it is so telling that we didn't celebrate our anniversary in any way. in fact my partner basically refuses to celebrate anything, except his own birthday. every year for my birthday he stresses out about it, but doesnt do anything thoughtful. 


ah! he is a bit manic. we have a 4 yo and 1 yo. i am home full time with the children. i am 41 and have mild chronic fatigue, so i get pretty exhausted with the children all day, even though we do have childcare for 3 hours 3 times a week. I have asked him to just come home by 5pm and give me an hour reprieve, just to do housework and making dinner. not like i am doing anything recreational or for myself really. he agrees, but then is home 1/2 hour late to 2 hours late everyday. he is self employed and gets carried away with his work and forgets his commitments. he is gone 12 hours a day. if he came home at 5 it would be 10 hours. it seems pretty reasonable expectation and request. he was late so many times, that i finally put an ultimatum: if you are late 5 more times, I will ask you to move out within a week. i feel so controlling. but there are no agreements he will keep or abide by. 


so of course within 5 work days he was late 4 times. I said this is it. One more time. And he came home 2 hours late today. REally? I guess he is still waiting for anyone to have boundaries with him. I am just so depleted and I see my children suffer from our lack of stability. I was calm and didn't say anything. he was all like "i love you." do you love me? 


And I think, those words are so empty: i have made such a straightforward simple request and you have disrespected it over and over again. how can that be "loving me."


I think I will go for divorce this time. it is tragic. we are suited in lots of ways. but he just doesn't respect my basic needs, for his support with the children. i have no support from any outside support, except paid babysitters. I am thinking of finding a live in childcare person, cause we have a studio. he doesn't have anywhere to go, but he'll figure it out. 


i am so lost. i feel like i am the bad person in this  as always. but my rational mind, tells me it is truly time to respect myself and get him out. 

Earthy Mama treehugger.gifmarried to my best friend with a sweet,joy.gif Spark of Love born 1.2.10, expecting hola.gif 3.4.13!!!


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#2 of 5 Old 04-11-2014, 06:28 PM
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If you are this exhausted, :hugs I would imagine that having to go through a divorce would be even tougher.

I understand you may be done with your husband but perhaps it would make the most sense right now to prioritize getting that childcare person to come and live with you. That will take energy as it is but it might be something your husband could support (at least financially). When you find a good, compatible person, then might be a better time to explore options (including uncoupling) with your husband. If he is simply unreliable but not outright abusive, you are not going to have more help when he is gone (unless I am missing something).

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#3 of 5 Old 04-11-2014, 09:44 PM
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That sounds utterly exhausting. It it not unreasonable of you to expect a commitment from him to be basically reliable and to lend a hand.  Frankly, the "I love you, do you love me?" business strikes has as emotionally manipulative behavior on his part. If he was really acting with love toward you, he would care about it when you say you are exhausted and need help, not ignore reasonable requests and then try to guilt-trip you.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :(

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Erin, mom to DD (1/06) and DS (10/09)
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#4 of 5 Old 05-03-2014, 08:49 AM
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I agree with Aufilia.  There is something very manipulative about the 'don't you love me?' tone.  I would read up on covert emotional abuse/manipulation and see if any of it resonates.  It's something that is so insidious and unconscious that it's very hard to identify.  But basically if respectful attempts to get your reasonable needs met (that don't criticize h), are met with a pattern of defensiveness, and your needs are continually set aside....then you could be in a power imbalanced relationship.  


Ironically, divorce can sometimes be a way of getting more time to oneself....because if the h is selfish/controlling in the marriage, then he often goes after more parenting time/custody as a way to keep his power and control over you and the children.  I've never had more time to myself, while superdad puts on his public show, lol!  

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#5 of 5 Old 05-05-2014, 12:56 AM
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder..look it up.
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