Anyone with an ex complaining about child support? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 04-14-2014, 04:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I got a call from my ex today and he is just livid and yelling at me about how he doesn't have enough to pay bills yada yada yada. I'm like...ok I'm sorry? I mean, child support is paid through the attorney generals office, it has nothing to do with me.

Perhaps he should have considered putting more effort into our marriage?

 

Anyway, what's a good "sorry for your bad luck" phrase that's civil?


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#2 of 16 Old 04-14-2014, 07:26 PM
 
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I wouldn't engage with him at all to discuss it. Unless he agreed to a crazy higher than normal amount, what he is paying is what is applied to other parents too. He just needs to learn to live on the rest. If he is earning less he can ask it be recalculated.

Do you really think he should be having trouble with what is left?

It's not like he is paying you so much you have staff and sit around eating chocolate all day is he?
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#3 of 16 Old 04-14-2014, 08:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wouldn't engage with him at all to discuss it. Unless he agreed to a crazy higher than normal amount, what he is paying is what is applied to other parents too. He just needs to learn to live on the rest. If he is earning less he can ask it be recalculated.

Do you really think he should be having trouble with what is left?

It's not like he is paying you so much you have staff and sit around eating chocolate all day is he?

I definitely didn't want to discuss it. He called and started right when I answered. :/

 

He brings home 4200 a month and pays 1470 for 3 kids. It's 35%. He has 2 roommates so his expenses should be low. The issue is probably just that he doesn't have enough "fun" money.

 

He's lucky 1470 is all, the judge was not impressed with his apathy and wanted to have him pay more since we have special needs kids.


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#4 of 16 Old 04-14-2014, 08:43 PM
 
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My little one's father pulls the same crap- boo hoo, he's paying the state minimum (actually, he's currently 14 months behind, but he's SUPPOSED to be paying the state minimum), and he complains that he can't afford it, because he has so many bills, he needs the money for his high speed internet, cable, new clothes, traveling to see his "friend", yada, yada, yada.  Yups, suck it up, buddy, 'cause I have no cable, the cheapest internet there is, new things for myself is a joke, and me and my fiance have to go on "free" daes, like hiking, or picnic, etc, and I can't just opt out of paying for my son's needs this month so that I can do so, why should he?  He makes 3 times more than I do, I mean, come on!  Some parents are just like that- their needs come first, whatever's left over is for their kids.

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I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#5 of 16 Old 04-15-2014, 11:54 AM
 
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My little one's father pulls the same crap- boo hoo, he's paying the state minimum (actually, he's currently 14 months behind, but he's SUPPOSED to be paying the state minimum), and he complains that he can't afford it, because he has so many bills, he needs the money for his high speed internet, cable, new clothes, traveling to see his "friend", yada, yada, yada.  Yups, suck it up, buddy, 'cause I have no cable, the cheapest internet there is, new things for myself is a joke, and me and my fiance have to go on "free" daes, like hiking, or picnic, etc, and I can't just opt out of paying for my son's needs this month so that I can do so, why should he?  He makes 3 times more than I do, I mean, come on!  Some parents are just like that- their needs come first, whatever's left over is for their kids.

 

Back when XH was still involved and made a mediocre attempt at paying CS, this was the same story.  He was supposed to be paying slightly more than the state minimum (mind you, he has an MBA) and was always behind.  Said he couldn't afford to pay me anything because he had to pay the down payment on he and his roommate's apartment.  Seriously?  If I decided to not pay for our son, then what???  How is a grown ass man's living situation more important than your own child's?  Infuriating!

 

OP: Honestly, I wouldn't answer the phone if he calls.  Make him leave a VM or send a text/email.  There's nothing you can do about it.  It isn't worth your time or energy.  If he wants to complain, knock yourself out.  Just delete his rantings and move on!

 

As time goes by, it will get easier to ignore the crazy.  Trust me.  


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#6 of 16 Old 04-15-2014, 12:13 PM
 
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My XH doesn't complain to my face, but I know he complains to his friends and family. He also pays about 1/3 of his income. I don't want to say any more in a public forum but he was dishonest with me about money throughout our marriage and has been - and is continuing to be - deceptive with other people, too. He's voluntarily under employed and mismanages what money he does have. 

 

Child support is the only, only thing he is being held accountable for. Some people just don't like accountability, like my XH and probably yours, too.

 

I don't have a good response if your XH complains to you again, except to end the conversation as quickly as possible with a reminder that the state determines child support, not you, so there's no point discussing it with you.


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#7 of 16 Old 04-17-2014, 05:05 AM
 
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My ex currently owes $29K in past due support. I NEVER speak to him, but I am sure that he complains to anyone who will listen, though the amount he was ordered to pay is pathetic ($325/mo for 2 kids) and he doesn't even make a half assed attempt to pay. 

 

If he did complain to me, I would not be worried about being nice. I'd tell him to kiss my ass, he has a responsibility to these kids and if he wants it changed, he needs to talk to the judge, not me. And then I'd hang up and refuse to ever discuss it with him again. Period. 

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#8 of 16 Old 04-17-2014, 09:06 AM
 
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My ex currently owes $29K in past due support. I NEVER speak to him, but I am sure that he complains to anyone who will listen, though the amount he was ordered to pay is pathetic ($325/mo for 2 kids) and he doesn't even make a half assed attempt to pay. 

 

If he did complain to me, I would not be worried about being nice. I'd tell him to kiss my ass, he has a responsibility to these kids and if he wants it changed, he needs to talk to the judge, not me. And then I'd hang up and refuse to ever discuss it with him again. Period. 

 

@Smartmama - I am insulted on your behalf!!!  How can he pay so little for two kids???  Ugh.  So frustrating!  Do the kids have a relationship with him?  Do you have any enforcement orders in place or contempt charges filed?  


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#9 of 16 Old 04-17-2014, 01:06 PM
 
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@Smartmama - I am insulted on your behalf!!!  How can he pay so little for two kids???  Ugh.  So frustrating!  Do the kids have a relationship with him?  Do you have any enforcement orders in place or contempt charges filed?  

They do not have a relationship with him - initially his choice, now theirs. He walked away about 9 years ago, and has never bothered to call, write, etc. My now 13 yr old is completely uninterested in him, and the 10 yr old has followed suit. I do have enforcement orders, and he gets held in contempt, but it's a pathetic, broken system that doesn't do any real good, so it's basically pointless. 

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#10 of 16 Old 04-17-2014, 01:56 PM
 
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They do not have a relationship with him - initially his choice, now theirs. He walked away about 9 years ago, and has never bothered to call, write, etc. My now 13 yr old is completely uninterested in him, and the 10 yr old has followed suit. I do have enforcement orders, and he gets held in contempt, but it's a pathetic, broken system that doesn't do any real good, so it's basically pointless. 

 

Gotcha.  I totally understand.  It sucks that the default is that men walk away from their kids and there are no consequences.  Hearing stories like this makes me more apt to pursue terminating XH's parental rights rather than hoping 'the system' will catch him one day.


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#11 of 16 Old 04-17-2014, 02:16 PM
 
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Gotcha.  I totally understand.  It sucks that the default is that men walk away from their kids and there are no consequences.  Hearing stories like this makes me more apt to pursue terminating XH's parental rights rather than hoping 'the system' will catch him one day.

I wish terminating his rights was an option for me. Unfortunately, they require me to have someone willing to adopt the kids, and I'm not married or in a relationship, and won't do that just to pursue termination. I'd likely find myself even worse off, with my luck with men. lol 

 

I do hate that men get away with walking away like this. Particularly with child support, the system is set up to work when the noncustodial parent wants to be responsible and be a parent. If they don't, the system simply isn't designed to effectively handle that, no matter how much people want to claim it is. 

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#12 of 16 Old 04-18-2014, 06:43 AM
 
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I wish terminating his rights was an option for me. Unfortunately, they require me to have someone willing to adopt the kids, and I'm not married or in a relationship, and won't do that just to pursue termination. I'd likely find myself even worse off, with my luck with men. lol 

 

I do hate that men get away with walking away like this. Particularly with child support, the system is set up to work when the noncustodial parent wants to be responsible and be a parent. If they don't, the system simply isn't designed to effectively handle that, no matter how much people want to claim it is. 

 

Ha!  Well, I'm remarried and definitely got a good one this time.  :thumb  We would like for DH to adopt DS so I need to get going on the termination process.

 

And you're exactly right about how the system is set up.  DH wants to be a parent to DSD so he dutifully pays his CS without complaining and is always wanting more parenting time rather than less.  But those who can't be bothered are rarely punished.

 

I wonder if there are some statistics as to what percentage of men simply walk away from their children instead of paying CS.  I bet just on these boards, there are hundreds of thousands of $$$ owed....

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#13 of 16 Old 04-18-2014, 07:56 AM
 
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Ha!  Well, I'm remarried and definitely got a good one this time.  :thumb  We would like for DH to adopt DS so I need to get going on the termination process.

 

And you're exactly right about how the system is set up.  DH wants to be a parent to DSD so he dutifully pays his CS without complaining and is always wanting more parenting time rather than less.  But those who can't be bothered are rarely punished.

 

I wonder if there are some statistics as to what percentage of men simply walk away from their children instead of paying CS.  I bet just on these boards, there are hundreds of thousands of $$$ owed....

The thing that really sucks is that men like my ex, combined with how the system is set up, makes guys like your husband look bad. I'm willing to bet there are plenty of people who, even if they don't say it to your/his face, assume he's some kind of deadbeat, regardless of what he says. 

 

What amazes me is the number of women who think that since they'll never see the money, they just shouldn't bother going after the father. I know I'll never see the money from my ex, but that doesn't mean I should just let him off the hook. My kids deserve better, and this also shows my kids that you can't just walk away from responsibilities. I hope, anyway. lol

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#14 of 16 Old 04-18-2014, 08:13 AM
 
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The thing that really sucks is that men like my ex, combined with how the system is set up, makes guys like your husband look bad. I'm willing to bet there are plenty of people who, even if they don't say it to your/his face, assume he's some kind of deadbeat, regardless of what he says. 

 

What amazes me is the number of women who think that since they'll never see the money, they just shouldn't bother going after the father. I know I'll never see the money from my ex, but that doesn't mean I should just let him off the hook. My kids deserve better, and this also shows my kids that you can't just walk away from responsibilities. I hope, anyway. lol

 

I hope not, but I'm sure his ex badmouths him because no one really knows the truth.  On the flip side, I bet my XH tells all of his people how I won't "allow" him to see DS and that he spends so much money on CS that he's broke...or some such nonsense.

 

And I agree with you about letting him off the hook.  That is why I'm so reluctant to terminate his rights...because then I'm telling him he doesn't bear any responsibility after all.  And who's to say he won't waltz back into DS's life once he turns 18 and expect to have a relationship with him???  That would truly break my heart...and DH's, who has been his "real" father.


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#15 of 16 Old 04-18-2014, 08:20 AM
 
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I hope not, but I'm sure his ex badmouths him because no one really knows the truth.  On the flip side, I bet my XH tells all of his people how I won't "allow" him to see DS and that he spends so much money on CS that he's broke...or some such nonsense.

 

And I agree with you about letting him off the hook.  That is why I'm so reluctant to terminate his rights...because then I'm telling him he doesn't bear any responsibility after all.  And who's to say he won't waltz back into DS's life once he turns 18 and expect to have a relationship with him???  That would truly break my heart...and DH's, who has been his "real" father.

Expecting a relationship and getting one are two different things. I don't know how old your son is, but my oldest is 13, and he's figured out for himself that his father is not worth having a relationship with, even if he does come around. I've never told him a thing about what I think of his father, but he's concluded that since his father doesn't want anything to do with him, he doesn't want anything to do with his father. He's made it quite clear to me that he'll have nothing to do with his father, even if he comes around after he's an adult and that I will not be forgiven if I try to force him to have a relationship with him.

 

And even if your son did decide to try to develop a relationship with his bio father, he'd still know who his real father is. He'd know who was there for him in all the times that counted, and that wouldn't be forgotten simply because someone who donated genetic material suddenly came back around. 

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#16 of 16 Old 04-18-2014, 09:01 AM
 
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Anyway, what's a good "sorry for your bad luck" phrase that's civil?

I probably would not say anything....because there is probably no way to change his victim mindset, and anything you say will probably be twisted and used against you.  Maybe a 'sorry you feel that way.' and hang up.  I wouldn't bother to engage.

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