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#1 of 8 Old 05-16-2014, 08:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughters father has 3 children, the Oldest is a year and 7 months old, the middle is 8 months old and my daughter (the youngest) is 2 months old.
he hasn't been in the life of his middle child until just last month and now says he feels guilty so he sees her a lot. His oldest child he used to have problems with her mom but now they're back together so he sees his oldest girl everyday. now that his middle and oldest are both in his life he's been ignoring my daughter.
he hasn't seen her for 5 weeks but says he still wants to be in her life. I don't want him to pick and choose between his children but I feel like that's what he's doing and my daughter is getting the short end of the stick. how do I make him understand that he needs to spend time with our daughter without making it sound like I want him to give up time with the other two? I don't want that at all. But I'm not willing to have that in and out part time parenting stuff in my daughters life...
I've tried to be understanding and go out of my way ALL the time to bring our daughter to him.
I have never asked him for money for gas or for anything for our daughter.
I don't ask him to find rides to me or meet me anywhere I go to his and his gfs home.
I call him every night so he can say good night to our daughter and I send him pictures every day.
But he ignores my calls and texts when it's convenient for him.
Hr says he wants to be in our daughters life and he signed her birth certificate(something he didn't do for either of his othrr girls) so I know he has some rights to her, but how do I make him see that he needs to be consistent in being there or don't be there at all? And am I a bad person for giving that ultimatum?
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#2 of 8 Old 05-17-2014, 01:27 PM
 
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One thing to consider is that this must be a very overwhelming time for him. He's had 3 kids with 3 different women in two years. Unless you're all living together in some sort of polyamorous set-up or live really close to each other, that isn't easy. Parents who live together with their children who have a new baby can have a hard time balancing their older child and younger child, especially when they're both infants/one's an infant and one's a young toddler. He has to do it while traveling to see each of them and juggling 4 adults' and 3 babies' schedules.  Unless he has phenomenal scheduling and organizational skills, he may not be able to juggle all 3 right now. There are likely going to be times that something big is going on in one or two of his kids' lives (assuming he stops at 3) and the others get the shaft.  Ideally, he'll be able to get it so that this all balances out, but it's not going to be easy and it will take time and cooperation on the part of all 4 of you.

 

Also, don't forget that those two other children are your daughter's half-siblings, and it's not a bad idea for the three of them to have a good relationship. It'll be easier for him to spend time with all of his kids the more often he can spend time with the three of them together, too. Don't expect these to go smoothly immediately, everyone is going to have to learn how to work together. You might want to wait until your daughter is more active and able to socialize.

 

You need to give him time to sort this out. It sounds like he was very involved in your pregnancy and her first few weeks, then he realized that he was neglecting his first two children and is trying to make it up. I wouldn't be surprised to see him doing that sort of swinging until he's able to work out balancing three families. As long as you provide her the stability she needs, it will be a few years before this starts really negatively impacting your daughter.

 

Now, in terms of that ultimatum, you need to be aware of the law before you do something you really regret. Do NOT give him that ultimatum and definitely don't follow through on it- if a court finds you guilty of parental alienation, you could lose custody of your daughter.

 

 

He's her father. Legally, he has a right to be in her life unless he's actually abusive- and even then, the courts can give too much leeway. If you give him that ultimatum and he wants to see his daughter, he can take you to court and demand visitation and even custody- and if you've stopped letting him see her, you risk losing custody of her entirely. It's really awful, and I'm sorry you're facing that, it's not a very good system.

 

Have you sorted out child support and custody arrangements? If not, you should at minimum find out what the laws in your state are. Some automatically do 50/50, some say that whoever has physical custody has primary custody (in other words: be careful leaving your daughter with him as he could be well within his rights to just not give her back). It's up to you if you want to get child support. It's something your daughter deserves, but if you're happy without it then you may not want to cause any drama.

 

It's in both your and your daughter's best interests to be able to work things out without involving the courts. Involving the courts is time consuming and costly and they can end up with rulings that are not favorable for you.


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Proud Formula Feeder, I support how ALL parents feed their babies. Breast or bottle, formula or breastmilk, and any combination thereof.

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#3 of 8 Old 05-25-2014, 10:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He lives with his oldest daughter and both myself and his middle childs mother bring the girls too him. Since he doesn't have a job, car or license we make the effort to go bring our kids to him all he has to do is answer the phone and say yes he wants to see them. unfortunately he never answers his phone to me. I have never asked him for money for anything for our child and make no demands of him beyond asking him to make time for his child. He doesn't really have to do anything. He never leaves his house. Just plays CoD and watches tv day in and day out so juggling schedules is nit an excuse. and he already pay child support through the government but it's all backed up but because he doesn't have a job and won't look for one.

Myself and his middle childs mother have tried to get all 3 girls together but he doesn't want us to all get together for some reason. His first daughters,mother doesn't want us all to get together either.
the middle child and my daughter get together quite often and see each other and play because we get along very well and we know that we have to do what's right for our daughters. And her and i get our girls together has actually caused fights between us and him because he doesn't want us to get the girls together!! As far as the oldest girl, we can't force the oldests mother to do anything she doesn't want to and she doesn't want to get together with all 3 girls.

As far as him neglecting his oldest two, when I had my daughter he was with the oldests mother and he made the choice not to be in his middle child life until she was almost 8 months old. and he wasn't involved in my pregnancy it all past week 18. I saw him twice after week 18.

I do know about parental alienation, but I have all of the messages and phone calls still saved in my phone and backed up through my phone company to show that I've tried to contact him and he refuses to contact me in return.

I would never keep our daughter from him if he wanted to see her and I told him that many times. I'm not that type of person. I know it seems like I probably am from this post but in reality I want him to be there for a daughter. I want him to be in every part of her life.

I never asked him to pay child support because honestly idc about the money. I want his presence for my girl... not his presents. And he hasn't even asked for joint custody or visitation or anything. I'm her primary caregiver. We do not have a formal agreement(which is why I don't leave her over there because I do know he could keep her) but I don't want to have to go through courts to make a formal agreement.

I don't want this to turn into something ugly. I just want him to be there. And if he isnt going to be I want to know now because I don't ever want my daughter to have to wonder why that is that Daddy is there one day but not thr next.. even if she is too littke for it to negatively effect her right now. I want her life to start off right.
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#4 of 8 Old 05-25-2014, 10:50 AM
 
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Get a custody/visitation order in place through the courts asap.

Stop making it so easy for him to be a crappy "father". Don't go to his house with his girlfriend and older child for visitation- he can put in the effort to meet elsewhere. 

Clearly, this guy is not exactly going to be father of the year, he has three children with three women in a very short timeframe- what happens when #4 comes along? He is responsible for facilitating a relationship with his child, doing it for him is not doing your daughter any favors in the long run.  A dad who is only there because he has to be in not, in fact, better than an absent father.

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#5 of 8 Old 05-25-2014, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm just worried about what this is all going to do to my daughter..
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#6 of 8 Old 05-25-2014, 11:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowAsylum View Post

Get a custody/visitation order in place through the courts asap.


Stop making it so easy for him to be a crappy "father". Don't go to his house with his girlfriend and older child for visitation- he can put in the effort to meet elsewhere. 


Clearly, this guy is not exactly going to be father of the year, he has three children with three women in a very short timeframe- what happens when #4 comes along? He is responsible for facilitating a relationship with his child, doing it for him is not doing your daughter any favors in the long run.  A dad who is only there because he has to be in not, in fact, better than an absent father.



So you think I should push this and give him the ultimatum? Since he has been irresponsible would that mean I'm more likely then not going to win this overall?
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#7 of 8 Old 05-25-2014, 11:11 AM
 
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No, I think you should quietly file for custody, and tell him that from now on, you will be available at x place between the hours of  y and z if he chooses to spend time with his daughter.  Then you document when he does or does not show up.  You don't remind him, you don't beg, you don't cajole, you let him handle it like an adult. 

Either he will step up or he won't. 

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#8 of 8 Old 05-25-2014, 09:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hope I have it in me to follow that. Thank you
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