I have 2 little girls and just left my abusive husband. - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-24-2014, 03:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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HI I have two little girls, one is 5 and one is 7. I left my husband four weeks ago and have moved back with my parents. H was abusive for years, mainly verbal but near the end becoming more physical. I worry about my little girls even though i tried to hide it from them and protect them as much as possible. They seem to be doing really well in their new school, but when I brought them to see him 2 weeks ago, he tried to leave with them. I managed to get the girls away and called my brother for support. My brother is the most peaceful guy but my husband attacked him, I had to call the police and we had to go to hospital to get my brother checked out. I feel really bad about all this and the effect it has had on my family (my dad has been quite ill.) It feels like we are all double checking doors and everyone is a bit nervous.It's really weird, I feel like I am slowly waking from a dream and seeing more and more what he did, but it hurts and I feel scared of even talking to him on the phone as he is so manipulative and it took me so long to leave him. I am focusing on the future and my beautiful girls but I feel scared and nervous a lot of the time. I have some lovely friends but feel like burying my head in the sand, I feel kind of ashamed and I know they don't understand. I guess I was kind of hoping someone here might. Thanks x

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Old 05-24-2014, 06:23 PM
 
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I don't know you, but I am so proud of you for leaving. I had to make the same decision 6 years ago. It was tough, but I don't regret it. Since then I have dated two different men who have taught me what it is to be treated with love and respect.

"That boy, Frank, he lives inside his own heart. That's a real big place to live." ~ Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton) in Sling Blade
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Old 05-24-2014, 06:34 PM
 
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Hugs momma and welcome to your journey. You should be so proud for taking care of yourself and your girls by getting out =)


Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:46 AM
 
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Congratulations to you for finding the strength to leave...that is such a hard decision to make and act on!  It will get easier as time goes on.  I hope your brother is doing okay, but my guess is that he was glad to have the chance to help you out of an abusive relationship. 

 

Try to talk to your ex as little as possible and communicate only by email or text-it gives you more reaction time so you can see when he is trying to manipulate you, plus it gives you a written record of threats, manipulations, etc.  Is he seeing the kids at all?  Take someone with you during all exchanges if he is, and insist on doing exchanges in a police station parking lot.  Call first and let the police know when you'll be there, they were super nice about it when I did this. 


Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
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Old 05-25-2014, 11:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
 

Congratulations to you for finding the strength to leave...that is such a hard decision to make and act on!  It will get easier as time goes on.  I hope your brother is doing okay, but my guess is that he was glad to have the chance to help you out of an abusive relationship. 

 

Try to talk to your ex as little as possible and communicate only by email or text-it gives you more reaction time so you can see when he is trying to manipulate you, plus it gives you a written record of threats, manipulations, etc.  Is he seeing the kids at all?  Take someone with you during all exchanges if he is, and insist on doing exchanges in a police station parking lot.  Call first and let the police know when you'll be there, they were super nice about it when I did this. 

 

Years later, I still only speak to my ex via email. I highly reccommend this approach. I didn't realize just how manipulative my ex was until I could go back in the conversation and look at what we'd *both* said. He will accuse me of changing plans last minute and I can scroll back and see that, nope, I said Friday for pick-up all along. If push comes to shove I can write "I don't see in our exchanges where this was discussed. Can you please forward me the emails where we came to this agreement?" The response to something that direct is radio silence. If things are going along as planned and he's just trying to bait me into an argument, his whining doesn't get a response. It's pointless to try and get him to concede a disagreement to me... that he's backed down speaks for itself. It's like when my toddler is saying "No" while she picks up her toys... I listen to her feet and hands, not her mouth.


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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Old 05-25-2014, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much, it made me cry even reading your messages. Thank you so much and thank you for the advice. He hasn't seen the girls since he attacked my brother and has made no attempt to see them. He kept the car (which is all in my name) and we have been borrowing my parents to get about. I actually drove to see him when he attacked my brother. He has been ringing most nights or I ring so he can try and say goodnight to the girls. My 5yr old won't even talk to him, most nights my 7yr old just shouts goodnight down the phone. I got a temp safety order which is up on the 9th. He hasn't even mentioned it or the fact that my brotehr is pressing charges. When we spoke last night he just started saying " I know this is mainly my fault and I know this must be hard on you...." It is terrible but I can't talk to him as I'm still not sure I trust myself.  That sounds terrible I know, I guess I am just realizing what control he had before. It is so good to hear other people have gone through this and come out the other end and met lovely men. I can't even imagine it at the moment but hopefully someday! I am going to try just e-mailing and keep it all recorded. Mummoth that is exactly how he is. He would say something/ do something and later completely deny it, any e-mails or texts I had to prove otherwise he wouldn't even look at! But he can be so nice one minute and then shouting and roaring the next. It was like living with two men. greenemami I am hoping to push for supervised visits. to be honest he is so irrational and the girls are so scared of him I couldn't leave him with them on his own. He hasn't even mentioned seeing them though since what happened and tonight I tried to call him but he wasn't there. I feel stupid calling him when I know it should be the other way around but I just want to try and keep communication open with the kids. I haven't been talking to him, just saying "do you wnat to say goodnight to the girls?" One minute he misses them like mad, the next he doesn't seem to care! 

I ma trying to push ahead with our new life but with nothing settled and not knowing what he will do next it is very hard. Thank you all so much for all the love and support. It really helps xxx

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Old 06-01-2014, 07:36 AM
 
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I can't recommend strongly enough that you speak with someone and your local DV shelter as soon as you can. They can provide some support for all you are dealing with and they can also help you know how best to support your children through this time.

Since you have children with this man you should also speak with a lawyer as soon as possible too. The DV shelter can help direct you to someone and to how to navigate that process. You need to protect yourself and your children in every way possible. It may be that he will be required to be supervised any time he is with the kids in order to protect them from any more abuse or from him fleeing with them. There are things that can be put in place to make time with their dad as safe as possible but you will need a lawyer's help to make sure it happens that way.

Please don't try to do this alone, even if you just phone and speak with someone at the women's shelter, it will be a huge help to you. You don't need to use their shelter services in order to get help from them - women's shelters offer much more than a safe place to stay after leaving an abusive relationship.
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Old 06-03-2014, 01:00 AM
 
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First of all, a big hug to you for having the courage to do this. Taking the decision of walking out of your marriage requires a great will power and you have that. Now that you have walked out of it I suggest that you meet a family law firm as soon as possible and start the divorce procedures. Or else your husband may beat you in it and there are chances of him getting the custody of children. You shouldn't let that happen.
All the best for your future
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Old 06-06-2014, 10:36 PM
 
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Wishing you much strength on this journey. Congratulations for having the courage to take action. So often in abusive marriages, it gets to the point where one feels frozen, unable to act, afraid, etc....because it is so draining to deal with the emotional gaslighting abuse (which teaches us to doubt our perception and adopt the reality of the abuser). You have done something amazing for your girls.

Now - onto the nitty gritty. Please please please get yourself to a DV shelter for some outreach counselling support from a professional who REALLY gets it...someone who specializes in counselling women who have experienced DV/

And please please please find the best possible lawyer you can. Abusers will do anything, lie, manipulate....whatever it takes to regain their power and control over you. And pretty soon they figure out that the way to get at you is through the kids. Once he realizes he has lost you, he will go after the kids. You need some protection in the form of an interim custody order. Otherwise, he might try to accuse you of kidnapping and parental alienation. Believe me, their minds are so distorted that they can seem to truly believe they are actually the victim.

The journey is long, hard.....but so worth it in the end. Pour your energies into getting a solid custody agreement. And read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. And 'Splitting: Divorcing a narcissist or borderline personality...". Google 'narcissistic abuse and recovery', and 'how abusers use the children to abuse during divorce'. It is an incredibly steep learning curve....but you have reached out here as a first step. Just keep reaching out, taking steps to learn, develop a strategy....and things will fall into place. But a really strong lawyer who has a really good in depth understanding of the "high conflict" divorce and personality disorders and abuse is really important.

I learned the hard way that friends don't always understand abuse dynamics. Some will be there for you, some may not. Your stbx will probably try to befriend your friends to try to compromise your support system. Gosh, there is just so much to grieve at the end of any relationship....and an abusive relationship just triples that. It's hard at this point....so just know that one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time....you will gradually get to a place of healing and moving on.

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Old 06-09-2014, 12:39 PM
 
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Sending you all the love and energy I can. And you are providing strength for me too. I too am in an emotionally, verbally and one time physically abusive marriage. Our boys are 5 and 2 and although he is an amazing father I finally decided to file for a legal separation as he says he wants to work on his issues. He has not moved out yet and is still begging to work things out. It is so easy to fall back into the "good times" but I have to remember that the other shoe will drop again soon.

About three months ago I kicked him out after he got drunk and physical with me one night, but let him move back after only a month and the emotional manipulation started all over again. Even so far as contacting my family and friends to tell them I needed a friend right now, because we were having problems (agh!!) It is so hard and the shame and blame and loss of yourself is debilitating.

I have started seeing my own therapist that specializes in abuse situations and am finding support I need outside of him. Good luck to you!!
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