Single, pregnant, father of child is ignoring me.... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 09:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello!

 

I am a late 20's woman in my very first pregnancy ever. I am only a month along, heading into week 5 (and feeling really good, physically) but emotionally, I'm becoming drained.

 

I stupidly had unprotected sex on vacation with a man who I've been on/off with for years now. He currently lives on an island and invited me there to celebrate our birthdays, since they're so close. He plans on relocating here to the U.S. again this year and supposedly has his job transfer in motion and all that good stuff.

 

While I was on the island with him, he began ignoring me and leaving me with a female friend of his- and just being rude by not acknowledging me period. Long story short, I ended up celebrating my b-day on the beach by myself because he dropped me off at a hotel and that was it! No argument, no misunderstandings or anything- he just switched it up on me.

 

I felt like I needed to get an abortion for the first 2 days after finding out, but my mother, 2 best friends and 2 other close friends (who I've hinted the pregnancy at but haven't quite admitted) have been encouraging me to go ahead and become a mother here in my late 20's  for a number of reasons. They claim that this (is a or was):

 

1. blessing- some women cannot have children but I've been given the chance to do so. 

2. it was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason.

3. a part of me. How could I kill a part of me?

4. is not as hard as society portrays it to be. (my best friend famously brings up her own situation with her twins and oldest daughter and how she had to pay rent, work FT on a $9/hourly salary with no car and STILL wouldn't trade her kids for the world)

5. Mom wants me to make her a grandma (again, since my sis has two kids)

6. I will not regret being a mom, even with dad not around.

7. I will always regret having the abortion.

8. ET CETERA

 

I believe every single reason they've given me, but part of the reason why I'm almost 30 with no kids is because I'm somewhat selfish. Without a steady relationship and an AWESOME job, which I have neither), I feel like I'm setting myself up to struggle. I did not ever want to put any kids I may have in this situation.

 

I'm 75% for keeping this child but I keep waking up with my brain in limbo. I'm pretty set in keeping my child. What do you think about this?

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#2 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 10:15 AM
 
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Do not listen to your family and friends. Listen to yourself.  I feel that regretting an abortion (and majority of people do not) is far better than regretting an actual child. 

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#3 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 10:31 AM
 
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I can't say whether you should raise this baby or not. I am not you. Let me make this plain: A child will be your burden or blessing, and no one else's opinion matters.

I'm going to deliberately counter your reasons here, just as food for thought:

Some women can't have children, but you can clearly at least conceive. If you want to have children, you will in all probability get another chance. Maybe a better chance, with someone who loves you, and wants to actively partner you, and be a loving parent.

It's true that everything happens for a reason, as in everything that happens was caused by something else. It is not true that every single one of those events has some higher purpose or leads to good things.

Single parenthood is, no question, damn hard. I am impressed that your friend held it together under those circumstances, but I wouldn't read too much into them, or necessarily believe her that the road is "not as hard as society makes it out to be". Research done on women who considered, but did not have, abortions shows that they do[I love their children. There's an interesting article here - http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/magazine/study-women-denied-abortions.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0.
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we tell ourselves certain stories for a reason. “It’s psychologically in our interest to tell a positive story and move forward,” she says. “It’s wonderfully functional for women who have children to be glad they have them and for women who did not have children to enjoy the opportunities that afforded them.”

No matter how much your friend loves her daughters, and how well she has dealt with the difficulties of raising three children as a single parent, you should not believe that the road was "easy," or rush to sign up for those challenges.

Lots of things are part of us, and we get rid of them. A cancer would be part of you too, and it would be no more and no less an invader - part you, part not - than a fetus at this stage.

Your mom can suck it up and wait for you to be ready to have children. Her desire for (more) grandchildren could not be more irrelevant.

The baby's dad might not "not be around." Having a baby potentially puts you in a relationship with this guy for the next 18-20 years. That's 18 years of unavoidable financial and emotional involvement. That might be great - he might step up and be a great dad. Or he could spend that entire time yanking you around. I don't know where on the spectrum in between those extremes he is most likely to fall.

Some people live perfectly happy lives without having children. There is no guarantee that you would regret not having this baby.

There's no saying how you'll feel about the abortion. Yes, some women have them and regret them. Some women feel relieved.

Bottom line: Your life, your call.
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#4 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 10:37 AM
 
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You could always choose adoption as well, perhaps this baby is meant to be a blessing for someone else?


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#5 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 11:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sigh... great points.

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#6 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 11:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know that I could never consider that because after carrying the child for 9 months, I'd want him/her 100%. Great option, though.

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#7 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 11:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel 50/50 on that. I don't know which regret would be bigger. This situation is horrible.

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#8 of 16 Old 05-25-2014, 03:44 PM
 
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A couple of questions:

 

Prior to this, how did you feel, in general, about the idea of ever having children? Definitely wanted them, definitely didn't want them, or not really sure/hadn't thought much about it?

 

Supposing you could look into a crystal ball and see that, if you terminate this pregnancy, you will not get another chance - that this would be your only chance to ever have a child. How would you feel about it if that were the case?

 

Picture yourself having had the abortion and looking back on it five or ten years down the line. How would you feel about it?

 

You say you started out thinking you'd have to get an abortion, but, after listening to your mother & friends, you're 75% decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Is this because their reasoning/the extra chance to think about it is changing the way you genuinely feel about it, or is it because they're making it seem superficially right and logical to go ahead?

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#9 of 16 Old 06-01-2014, 10:15 PM
 
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I had an abortion with my third child two years ago. I regret my decision. I was already a single mother with two infants and I could not fathom having another. I felt like since their dad is a piece of work having another with him was a no-no.(we weren't even together..we had a one night "remember when...") I did it for my own selfish reasons. I cried and cried. I tried to "get over it" but emotionally I was a wreck! I just remember while filling out the paperwork for the procedure I wanted to get up and leave. Two years later I still think about my baby and how she/he should be here with their brother and sister. No one in my family knew that I was pregnant not even my closest friend who I spoke to everyday. I kept it to myself.(well until now)

I feel like whatever your decision is make sure you are 1000000000000 percent sure of it. Financially raising a child is no joke but don't let that be your only reason of you not keeping your baby. It is a tough tough job. I am in my mid thirties and I am going through stuff that a person in their early twenties would be going through. Sometimes I wonder if I am even failing the job because times have gotten so rough.....But through all of my struggles I laugh more with my children. I wouldn't trade them for anything....ANYTHING. I know that I am doing the best that I can do and everything I do is for them.

I wish you well with whatever your decision is.

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#10 of 16 Old 06-02-2014, 04:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladies, thank you so much. I have decided to keep my baby. I am 6 weeks along now and have prayed, cried & weighed my options a million times. I couldn't get my head wrapped around abortion- I just couldn't. I've already financially planned out just about everything and am 100% sticking with my decision. I've met other women in situations similar to mine and the support I'm receiving from everyone is phenomenal. I'm looking forward to being this little one's mommy!! Again, thank you all.
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#11 of 16 Old 06-02-2014, 07:37 AM
 
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When you should and shouldn't listen to yourself...

I just wrote a long post and lost it, because I was suddenly logged out. Argh! Let me try to reproduce the gist of it...

Regarding abortion, you must listen to yourself. If you have one, you won't know what the alternative was like. So, the extent to which you regret an abortion will be based on your morality, beliefs, personality - and your reasoning and attitude. You can control your reaction, to some extent.

Some people can't live with an abortion, under any circumstances. They definitely shouldn't have one, regardless how scared they are of raising a child alone. But some people CAN live with abortion, at least in some circumstances. If you know that's true of yourself, then you have to make your own decision. It's your life, so it will ultimately be insufficient to let anyone else - even your mother - make that decision for you.

I will say that with late abortions, I think people really have to play mind-games to convince themselves they're not killing a baby. Go ahead and flame me, if you want, but I had twins at 24 weeks' gestation. I could legally have aborted them. True, they would not have survived without major medical intervention. Yet, it would have been 100% intellectually dishonest to claim they were anything less than babies, or less than fully human; or that - at that stage - they would not have been harmed or stressed by the things done to "terminate" "fetuses". Today, they are teens with friends, sports, goals and lives as valuable and meaningful as yours or mine. With increasing neonatal technology, the developmental age at which everyone - regardless of politics - should consider fetuses people (with a right to try to live) gets earlier and earlier.

That said, you are still at a very early stage. If you don't procrastinate (after all, this is a life-and-death decision that merits decisive action and commitment, not procrastination), it's still possible for you to have an abortion while the life inside you is at a very primitive stage of development.

You should NOT listen to yourself about whether or not you'd "regret a child". You've never had one. You have no idea. Your relationship with a child you raise is not about morals and reason, like the issue of abortion is. At its core, it's about hormones and timeless animal instincts that will surprise and take you over, when you get there. So - on this - listen to people who've been there. You will not regret the life that you give a child, once you give it. You won't.

An unplanned child will - of course - change your life. You will sometimes wonder about the path not taken. But that's not the same thing as wishing the child didn't exist, or thinking - if you had it all to do over again - you would actually take the path without the child. Falling in love and marrying someone changes your life and eliminates other options, but often in a positive way. Similarly, the changes an unplanned child will bring to your life won't all be about losing your way and wistfulness for what might have been. It will be as much - or more - about unplanned joys, increased wisdom (that comes from being totally responsible for someone besides yourself), even a sense of having unexpectedly found yourself.

I had my twins when I was 23 and unmarried. Their unusual medical and developmental issues changed the entire trajectory of my life much more than one, normal baby would have. I do think sometimes about that other path. But if I could go back, I would not take it and give up the kids. I'm not just being sentimental. I really mean that.

One last thing, about becoming a young parent: You'll also be young when your child is grown. I'm 41. The twins graduate from high school next year (and would have graduated this year, if not for their delays). I still have plenty of life ahead of me. The wisdom, strength and self-knowledge I've gained from the experience of raising them does not negate some of the opportunities I missed; but it balances the list of negatives with a list of positives. I have plenty of hope about my future. Not one of the people with whom I graduated is exactly where their 25-year-old selves thought they'd be, at 40 - not even the MIT professor or the Harvard Law grad. I'm not where I thought I'd be, either. But so much is good, about where I am.

Decide. Not to please your mom. Not from a consensus of strangers. Not from fear. You can handle whichever path you take. You will start handling it - and finding out what's in store for you - as soon as you embrace a decision.

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#12 of 16 Old 06-02-2014, 08:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Beautiful response. I've always wanted children. I thought I'd have them by 25 (what was I thinking?!). I was certainly not ready at 25.

Now, I'm 28, which isn't much further down the road and I know that I can do it. I realize that my main reasons for considering abortion were so silly. I was afraid of other peoples' opinions. Comparing myself to family members who are married with kids... Questions from coworkers, strangers about the father, etc.

I know myself- I'm pretty short as it is & have no issues with letting people know when they're prying a bit too much but I would much rather have had things set up the way I wanted them before bringing life into this world!!

Even so, Ive found myself getting excited by the day & preparing to enter a phase that I've always wondered about: mommyhood. It's gonna be hard, sleep will become elusive & it certainly won't be about me anymore. But my fears are leaving day by day. Being replaced by excitement & determination.

I'm ready for it.
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#13 of 16 Old 06-02-2014, 11:26 AM
 
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I've been reading through the comments and have to shed some light and support. I have a 19 month old son with a complete deadbeat (but only to my son, not his other son who is only a year older). I am 25 and this is my first child. Let me tell you!!!! It is not all butterflies and sunshine. Let's make that clear. I honestly didn't even know if I wanted children. I knew for me personally abortion was not an option. And I can not express how much I didn't expect the hell my son's dad and his now ex girlfriend put me through and still do to this day. However, being a mother is the most rewarding gift I could have EVER been given. Did I expect things to go the way they did, or becoming a single mother at 25...of course not! But he is incredible. He's changed my life in the BEST way possible. The decision to keep your child is the best one you will ever make. Your career and finances may not be where you want them to be now but I promise that child will push you to go beyond the means and measures you ever thought you could. You will work harder to make sure they got all they wanted and push further when it seems the road is closing in on you. When you feel the baby move for the time you will think "wow how could I have ever even let it cross my mind to end this life". When you see the ultrasound you will cry tears of joy of the beauty of this little person growing inside you. It is scary being a single parent and girl let me tell you, it is hard! But it SO SO SO worth it!
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#14 of 16 Old 06-02-2014, 11:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I can only imagine. I helped raise 2 nieces whose parents couldn't get it together. I know it's not pretty all the time! But I believe when you say that it's worth it. Thanks for your story.
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#15 of 16 Old 06-05-2014, 10:36 AM
 
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Having a baby is hard. Its expensive physically, emotionally, and financially. It's not for everyone, no matter what anyone says, there are some people who just are not cut out to be parents.

But single parents can be good parents. Poor parents can be good parents. As long as you can put food in their belly, even if it's not the best quality food like you'd like, and a roof over their head, even if it's not the nicest roof, all they really need is a stable, loving caregiver.

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You will not regret the life that you give a child, once you give it. You won't. [...] But that's not the same thing as wishing the child didn't exist, or thinking - if you had it all to do over again - you would actually take the path without the child.
I wish this were always true, but it's not. I remember reading an article by a woman with two adult children who she truly regretted having and always had- she loves the children, but she regrets what she gave up to have them. And this is from the perspective of an adult who no longer deals with the day-to-day struggles, it wasn't said in a fit of rage or frustration. Another mother felt the regret to have children strongly enough to try to save other women from it and wrote a book warning them off it (it's unclear if this is a lingering feeling of hers or not, the regret about having children, but she certainly feels many women would be better off not doing so). This thread also may be enlightening- most of the people are children of mothers who didn't want them, but there are a lot of women admitting that they have more than a few moments thinking they'd have been better off not having children, despite loving their children.

It's so taboo to say that I'm sure many more people than we realize feel this way, and just are too ashamed to admit it. It's a lot more common among parents of special needs kids to admit it, because that is just very hard. But I think the common-ness there is just as much due to the ableism that it's acceptable to not want special needs kids as it is due to how hard it is.

No one should ever become a parent thinking "my hormones will convince me to love and care for this child and I'll never regret it" because it's just not true.

If I had known what was going to happen I never would have had our baby. I love him to death, which is honestly why I said that- I did not want this life for my child. It's bad enough that I'm living it, but at least it's my mistakes and my choices that got me here- my child is here through no fault of his own. The longer this goes on, the more I'll regret it.

Whether or not I'll always regret this really depends on how things go. If we finally get on our feet and things are okay, maybe they'll go away, but I may always look back and regret not being able to do better. Hopefully, if he grows up and is happy and whatever he defines as successful, that feeling will go away. But if that doesn't happen...

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#16 of 16 Old 07-16-2014, 04:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is an old thread. Just thought I'd update & let you all know I'm 12 weeks along now. Baby is super hyper and so cute and little!! ❤️❤️❤️
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