Summer visitation (x-posted in Blended forum) - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 2Likes
  • 1 Post By smartmama
  • 1 Post By RollerCoasterMama
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 9 Old 06-13-2014, 07:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Summer visitation (x-posted in Blended forum)

Hi everyone,
I am wondering how others handle summer visitation schedules. The divorce agreement between ex and I states that DS can visit Ex for two 2-week periods during the summer, but it does not include anything about a deadline for Ex to let me know the dates he would like to have DS.

This has not been too much of an issue in the past, as Ex usually takes DS for just one week (which usually is the same week each year). But this year, Ex wants DS for 2 weeks, which are not around the time he usually has DS during the summer, and he just told me this yesterday. I have already scheduled camps, activities, and vacations that I am now going to have to cancel or move around. (Yes, I realize this part is my fault, and no, unfortunately, Ex will not agree to take DS to any of the scheduled activities.)

I'm looking at this as a "live and learn" kind of experience, and one I want to avoid for next year. So, do you have any sort of built in deadline about these things in your agreement? And since I don't, what is the best way for me to handle this...I can ask Ex in writing to let me know which dates he would like DS for the summer by a certain time, but will that hold up legally if issues come up? Or should I contact a lawyer and try to add more detailed guidelines into our agreement?
simplemama32 is offline  
#2 of 9 Old 06-13-2014, 08:06 AM
 
greenemami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,779
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
We have a 60 day notification written into the agreement for vacation time, for just the reasons you are having issues now-I wanted to be able to schedule vacations and camps. I also let ex know what days I was planning for camps, activities, etc. to try to avoid conflict since I tend to plan more ahead than 60 days.


If your ex tends to be reasonable, you can try to get him to agree in writing to a specific date to agree on the summer schedule. Otherwise, the only way to "force" him to comply is to have it legally added so that you have the option to say no if he tries to schedule something past the deadline.




Sorry you are having to rearrange everything last minute, it's too bad he isn't willing to work with you on it

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
greenemami is online now  
#3 of 9 Old 06-13-2014, 08:18 AM
 
One_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,735
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
In our state no custody modification is legal without going through the court. You can agree and file it together at the court but him just signing something, even notarized, isn't binding without a judges signature.

Going to court may be useful but I have known a couple mothers who were only able to get 48 hours of notice written into their plan. It's probably worth a try, if you file and serve him you may get lucky and he may just go with it.
One_Girl is offline  
#4 of 9 Old 06-13-2014, 10:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OK, that's kind of what I was thinking. Thank you both!

Mama to DS (5)

simplemama32 is offline  
#5 of 9 Old 06-14-2014, 08:30 AM
 
smartmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 66
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I disagree that part of this is your fault. Your son should be able to do things and you can't wait until the very last second to schedule those things.

I don't know if an agreement between the two of you would be legally binding. If he's a fairly reasonable man, though, you could give it a shot. But if he's not reasonable (which I'm guessing he's not, since he won't agree to take your son to his activities), I would go through the courts. I would explain to the judge that your son has reached an age where he enjoys doing activities during the summer and that for his benefit so he can enjoy said activities, as well as for your benefit so you don't waste money on activities that he then can't go to, you'd like an agreement in place that says he needs to give you notice - I would try for at least 30 days notice. If the judge won't go for that, then I'd try to get set dates in the order - say the last 2 weeks of June and the first two of August or whatever. Then, if he doesn't take those dates, he forfeits the time.

It's perfectly reasonable to want some kind of plan in place to allow you to schedule activities for him without having to shuffle and change things because Dad suddenly decides he wants him tomorrow or something.
alpenglow likes this.
smartmama is offline  
#6 of 9 Old 06-14-2014, 10:15 AM
 
Kate&Joey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
DH and his Ex have to pick their summer weeks in January! It's written in their divorce agreement though.
Kate&Joey is online now  
#7 of 9 Old 06-24-2014, 11:23 AM
 
RollerCoasterMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: the burbs
Posts: 5,370
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 41 Post(s)
I worked out a way to deal with this, be fair, and still able to schedule. My XH is awful about planning ahead. And even if I get him to give me dates, he's got a 50% cancellation rate.

Last summer I re-did our custody agreement and implemented "default parenting time". It was parenting time that (1) I could schedule around and (2) was guaranteed to be his if he didn't get me other dates within either 5 days before the start of the month or May 1 for the summer. The way I dealt with summer was to say that his "default parenting time" was the 2nd and 3rd weeks in June and August. He could ask for other times, but I could also plan camps and vacations around those dates and they would take priority if he were asking for time outside of that default time. Before the May 1 deadline, I would be flexible about changing dates (as long as we didn't have plans already--which I'd give him notice about). After May 1...I am under no obligation to agree to any time outside of the default weeks. I can, but don't have to.

This way, he gets his time protected. You get to plan your kids' summer. And after a couple of years, he'd probably start planning around those weeks anyway.

...I can't tell you how it works in reality. This was the first summer since the new agreement, and XH has given up all scheduled visitation completely before I had a chance to test it out.

But I also don't think you're under any obligation to change the kids' camps and your plans. Waiting until half way through the summer to request time that is at an uncharacteristic time in the summer means that he's ASKING, not telling. If those weeks don't work, offer another time.
alpenglow likes this.
RollerCoasterMama is online now  
#8 of 9 Old 06-25-2014, 10:43 AM
 
greenemami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,779
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
Did you already cancel everything? In thinking about this, especially if you think you'd like to modify to add a deadline anyway, I think you would be pretty safe to tell ex those 2 weeks do not work and say he has to pick other ones. Even if he is pissed and takes you to court over it, it is very likely a judge would side with you given the late notice.

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
greenemami is online now  
#9 of 9 Old 07-14-2014, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry not to have updated before now. I did re-arrange some activities, but kept a short vacation we had planned. Ex isn't happy but he grudgingly agreed to work around that part.

For next year, I'm planning to share potential plans and ask him for his visitation dates waaay in advance (45-60 days)...in writing, with a deadline given to respond. If he doesn't respond, I will send notice of our plans in writing, and he can work around them. He still may come up with a last minute reqest or two, but I don't think he will try to make me move our plans. I'll see how it goes for the next year or two, and if this is still causing difficulty, then I'll probably try to modify our agreement.

Mama to DS (5)

simplemama32 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off