Haven't posted on MDC since before divorce, but need help sorting out some issues. - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-22-2014, 10:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Haven't posted on MDC since before divorce, but need help sorting out some issues.

Hi all.

I've been divorced for nearly two years. We share the parenting duties 50/50 (well...time-wise) and so I'm not sure if this is the best board for this, but I don't have many IRL friends dealing with custody stuff.

We handled the divorce ourselves...I didn't want much—just wanted out—and at that point we were in agreement on a lot of the parenting shared stuff so there were things we didn't put in writing.

Lately, I've been having a hard time getting him to do basic courtesy kind of stuff, or respecting my privacy and boundaries. For example, today (and this has happened more than once) he showed up to drop off the kids w/o calling or texing to say he was coming. I was in the shower. He let himself in, dropped off the kids & left.

So...I'm not okay with that. Sent a pretty basic email saying in the future, please call or text, and please don't let yourself in or leave the kids w/o checking (the kids are 8 & 10...so not as much a safety issue as courtesy). And he flipped out saying I was being ridiculous, if I don't trust him then I can't come into his house either...etc. random tirade. I reiterated my two things I'd like to see happen and left it at that.

So...what I'm wondering is, have some of you been able to work this type of thing out somewhat peacefully w/o external help, or has it been necessary to have a mediator and put things in writing??

Thanks so much,
Kate
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Old 08-22-2014, 11:40 AM
 
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how is he able to let himself into your home?? the first thing in setting boundaries is to remove ways that they can be ignored. Make it REALLY hard for him to step over/ around them.

As for dropping the kids off early, there's not a lot you can do to stop him except not be home at all for a while before the kids are due back.

sorry you have to deal with this =(

Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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Old 08-29-2014, 08:44 AM
 
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The simple answer is that you should be able to sit down and agree to some basic boundary's. Knowing what time the kids are expected, they are old enough to let themselves in and do not need him to walk them into their home etc.

Good luck!
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Old 08-29-2014, 10:41 AM
 
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For me, it took a lot of repetition, a bit of compromise and my ex marrying someone more focused (on things besides work) and more considerate than he is.

We don't quarrel over my ex letting himself into my house, but he does frequently drop off the kids earlier than expected, or he won't be available at all for his parenting time day and will "forget" to tell me. Like your ex, he gets defensive when I point out the basic courtesies I'd (quite reasonably) like him to respect. The gist of his defensiveness is that I really ought to understand that he and his job are SO important that I can't expect him to remember trivial things like the need to tell me when he'll be out of town. And, really, do I have anything else going on in my life? When he needs the kids to be with me, am I not just sitting around waiting for them? I don't think even he actually buys into that. He just knows it irritates me so much that I will either wind up yelling at him and making an ass of myself, or giving up on the whole conversation as useless because he seems so dense.

From talking to his wife on several occasions, I realize that he's like this with her, too. Sometimes she calls after he misses dinner, to ask when he'll be home, and learns he's in China. Literally. That has helped me put things into perspective. It's not targeted disrespect toward me, because I'm "only" his undervalued ex. He simply has bad manners, even toward people who are unquestionably very important and dear to him. Which reminds me to be grateful that I'm not married to him.

It also makes me reflect that if my kids are going to have him as a parent (Not that he's all bad! This is simply one area where he's off-putting.) then it's something of a privilege, that everyone understands my home is the one home always open to our kids. Regardless what kind of mansion my ex lives in, my kids still call my house "home" and his, "Dad's house". And it's precisely because Dad's house is only available to them when it's convenient for Dad and Step-Mom, who have busy lives. They live at - and are welcome in - my house, all the time...even when it's inconvenient for me. When I'm frustrated, I try to focus on the fact that I can't change my ex's rudeness, but I can make sure my kids feel welcome, even unannounced.

Over time, there has been some change. If my ex and/or his wife realize at the last minute that he never told me neither of them would be available for his parenting time, they're more likely to arrange a grandparent, in case I made other plans. She has also gotten good about sending a meal home for the twins, if I expected them to eat with Ex & her, but they get dropped off with me, before they eat. Having them show up unexpectedly is less irritating, without the dilemma of them being starving and me not having made enough dinner to accommodate two extra teenage boys.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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Old 09-01-2014, 07:35 AM
 
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I'm in this situation with my ex paying for child-related expenses. He pays child support, he just doesn't pay his share of bills we're supposed to split. I really appreciate the words of wisdom about an ex partner who treats everyone like this.

It seems so unfair to have to cope with the ongoing relationship issues from the marriage after the divorce is final. It's been a year since my divorce finished, and we're mainly in conflict about him sending me information. Like, he sometimes pays things and sometimes doesn't, but doesn't think he has to send me information either way, even though it's in our divorce agreement than he does. We had a lot of fights while married that looked like this. At least he's not in charge of my taxes anymore.

If your ex does not have a key to your house, he can't come in while you're in the shower. If the kids have keys, you can tell them that Daddy doesn't come into the house while you're in the shower.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalMinority View Post

Over time, there has been some change. If my ex and/or his wife realize at the last minute that he never told me neither of them would be available for his parenting time, they're more likely to arrange a grandparent, in case I made other plans. She has also gotten good about sending a meal home for the twins, if I expected them to eat with Ex & her, but they get dropped off with me, before they eat. Having them show up unexpectedly is less irritating, without the dilemma of them being starving and me not having made enough dinner to accommodate two extra teenage boys.
This is impressive!!
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