Having men over after kids are asleep? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 09-02-2014, 01:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Having men over after kids are asleep?

Oh my.. if someone had asked me this question a year ago, I would have been so judgemental! How things change!

I have been a single mom for four years and 3 months- it has been a looong time! I was pregnant and then nursing for a large part of that time and coming out of a DV situation, I wasn't ready to date.

Now- I have started dating. Nothing serious. One guy.. I really like him but he works until 8PM and we never get to hang out. He's been asking to come over to my place and I keep saying no... I really don't know what my kids would think if they woke up to me cuddling with a man on the sofa!

They've met him casually twice- both times at the park and introduced as "mama's friend".. which is all he is. Nothing serious but I would seriously enjoy a good kiss n cuddle on the sofa.. I feel so selfish even considering it... but he is coming over on Thursday night! Do I tell them beforehand? If I do, they'll likely not go to bed when they need to.. if I don't, they might wake up and come looking for me downstairs!

(it would never go beyond cuddles!)

any advice?
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#2 of 9 Old 09-02-2014, 06:00 PM
 
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I'm at the same point as you are! My youngest is 10 now though. He is very very attached though, to the point even if I do not tell him I am going out in the evening, even 2 hours after he goes to sleep, he will wake up because I am not there.

I honestly think if you trust the guy, go for it!!!
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#3 of 9 Old 09-02-2014, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My kids are like that too- we co-sleep most of the time and if I so much as go downstairs to talk on the phone or do homework, there is a 50/50 chance one of them will wake up and come looking for me (they are nearly four and nearly 7).. I am trying to get them to sleep in their own room but honestly I am not strong enough to enforce it after my exhausting days! I cannot imagine having a sexual relationship due to this and that's kind of a bummer.

The last week or so I've been staying in my room while they fall asleep but letting them know that I will be going downstairs to study and will come back up to sleep. I think this has helped some, but if they hear me on the phone they still wake up most of the time.

I am *so* pro attachment parenting but I am so ready for grown up time! I feel bad being judgemental (in my own head) about women who have men over while their kids are sleeping but I have my kids 360 days/nights per year (sometimes my sister takes them if she is in town visiting her inlaws.. rare)

*sigh* We will see how it goes on Thursday lol
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#4 of 9 Old 09-05-2014, 09:58 PM
 
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You should be able to have friends over; it's your house. They'll get used to having visitors!
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#5 of 9 Old 09-06-2014, 06:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post
You should be able to have friends over; it's your house. They'll get used to having visitors!
While it agree with that as a general statement, I don't friends over for a "kiss and cuddle" is appropriate in her situation.
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#6 of 9 Old 09-08-2014, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well- he didn't come over on Thursday. I just can't do it! I cannot imagine how confused my kids might feel, coming upon that situation. If I am honest with myself, I would want things to go further than just a kiss and cuddle as well. Sometimes I just want to be selfish but I can't do anything that would negatively affect my children. It's so hard being a grown up sometimes!

I don't have anyone I can leave my kids with for an evening or overnight, sadly enough. So embarrassing to even say that- I am totally alone with them and I guess THAT is what I need to work on right now- building a community for us and building a life that will allow me to date in a responsible manner. I let "my guy" know that all I can manage for the next few months is meeting for lunch..

*sigh* thanks for your replies!
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#7 of 9 Old 09-09-2014, 05:13 AM
 
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Maybe when they are a bit older you can have them go for sleep overs, or have them stay alone for a few hours while you spend some time with a cuddly guy. I don't know how far away you are from that though...
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#8 of 9 Old 09-11-2014, 10:49 PM
 
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I'm speaking purely from theory here, since I've never done it!! But I think it depends on the kids and their age, and also who you're bringing in to your life, what your kids would potentially see, and When they're over (are they also there the next morning?!).

I have many friends, just friends. So to have a stranger in the house wouldn't be unexpected in our household. We co-sleep, and he doesn't wake up. But I also worry about... What If he did? This is why I've never done it.

He's never seen me kiss a man except my brothers and his grandfathers. But he asks about kissing. He knows that people kiss. still, I can't imagine him waking up and catching me in a kiss with a man he doesn't know.
At the same time... I don't think I could allow a man to meet my son until I'd spent significant time with him alone. I expect to have Many dates (when I decide to date) that are without my son involved, so that when he does arrive in the house, he is still a "friend" in the eyes of my son, but hopefully I've already at least kissed him in real life.

So, back to advising, in what advice I'd take for myself.... I think after they're asleep - IF it's just cuddles and maybe kisses, depending on what realities you're ready to talk about Should they walk in on you... test it out and see. Personally I wouldn't be going beyond cuddles with them in the house. That needs to stay for nights when they're not home (and I'm with you and I don't have that option either.. which means, for me, not going there.. yet). And 8pm still seems kinda early for them to be fully asleep, so even if later means more questionable on the romantic side, it errs on the side of the kiddos being more asleep.

hope you have another Thursday to ponder. let us know!

single, WAH home, to my only very kind & sweet lil man
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#9 of 9 Old 09-13-2014, 12:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SunshineRocket View Post
Well- he didn't come over on Thursday. I just can't do it! I cannot imagine how confused my kids might feel, coming upon that situation. If I am honest with myself, I would want things to go further than just a kiss and cuddle as well. Sometimes I just want to be selfish but I can't do anything that would negatively affect my children. It's so hard being a grown up sometimes!

I don't have anyone I can leave my kids with for an evening or overnight, sadly enough. So embarrassing to even say that- I am totally alone with them and I guess THAT is what I need to work on right now- building a community for us and building a life that will allow me to date in a responsible manner. I let "my guy" know that all I can manage for the next few months is meeting for lunch..

*sigh* thanks for your replies!
As frustrating as that is...

1) It's good to know you have the self-control to put your kids first, right?

2) The limits/waiting will tell you the quality of this relationship (or others).

For me, casual dating didn't jive well with single parenting. It's not that I never dated. But I didn't want to get on an emotional roller-coaster while raising kids (if I really fell for someone, but he turned out not to be as "into" me). On the other hand, I didn't want to spend much time away from my kids, dating guys I wasn't too invested in and just wanted to have fun with.

The man I ended up marrying and I got to know each other well, over a long period, before we even talked about dating. And when we did, he came right out and said, basically, "We each have too many complications, with our kids, to just get casually involved with each other. Unless we can both envision this road ending in marriage, we shouldn't date each other." It wasn't a proposal, but we both knew the other's reasonable long-term intention, going in. And we each knew that putting our kids first, when needed, would not cause a problem in the relationship.

Of course, you don't always have the option of getting to know a man well, in some way besides casual dating. But if the guy you're seeing understood why he couldn't come over Thursday night and is still eager for lunches or whatever you can fit in, that's a first sign that he may be the "right" guy. That knowledge isn't quite a "cuddle on the couch", but it should feel good, in its own way.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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