In need of support and encouragment/vent - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 06-05-2002, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
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I've had it. I told everyone I was going to give him one more chance to find a better job and start bonding with his son. His time with ds is spent sleeping and he is more unmotivated then anyone I have ever met in my life. Tonight I asked him to sleep when he comes home from work so he can be up to play with ds while I'm at my 4 hours of work a night. It was too much to ask. He put his hands on me for the last time!!!! I was gathering things to get me and ds through the night at my moms and I was talking to ds (who was crying from us fighting) and he came out threw his hand behind my head and his other hand over my mouth and told me to shut the f up before he picks me up and throws me out the door. He let go and I raised my fist to get him to back up, so he raised his fist at me and i pushed him back and he pushed me over the kerosene heater (might I add ds was sitting right inbetween the two of us) so I left and I left for good. All I need now is some encouragment and some support. Please, if anyone has been through anything like this please pm or e-mail me. I have gone back numerous times and I need to stay out this time. I am terrified. We have like $5,000 in debt and I'm only 20 years old working like 30 hours a week at a job I just sttarted 2 months ago. How did you get by? Thanks so incredibly much in advance. I'm sorry if this is way out of line and off topic but I needed somewhere to turn and this was the first place I thought of. Thank you. much love

Lindsey- SAHM to Skylar (7-12-01), Leah (10-29-04), id twin boys Addison and Riley (6-17-08, born at 25w4d), and Terran (5-29-11, born at 28 weeks)

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#2 of 8 Old 06-05-2002, 06:41 AM
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Get out and get yourself away from him first. Worry about the rest of it later. It will all work out but you gotta take a day at a time.

You'll be surprised at how much clearer you get once he is not your focus. Focus on you and your baby. Nothing is worth putting up with that and it may just keep escalating.

Good luck to you.

My sleeping one is crying or I'd write more.

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#3 of 8 Old 06-05-2002, 11:42 AM
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Congratulations for doing what is best for you and your ds. I know it's really hard to leave, and sometimes even harder (in the short term at least) to stay away. He is abusive to you and your child and both of you deserve better.

Do you have the support you need? Are you staying in a safe place? Do you need legal assistance (custody, divorce, etc)? I don't know PA very well, but I was in an abusive situation (pre-child) and then later worked for a domestic violence agency/shelter in OH and there are some resources out there. Domestic Violence agencies often know a lot of recources and can advocate for things like childcare assistance, legal aid, even welfare without work requirement (at least until welfarre reform passes - then we'll see, but as of now there are domestic violence waivers in most states), and housing assistance (if you are low-income, they may even be able to help you jump the Section 8 waitlist). And they can help you get a restraining order if he comes after you. 1.800.799.7233 is a national hotline for domestic violence that refers callers to local agencies.

If you don't want to call any agencies, I still hope you have family and/or friends around to support you, and know that you are not alone, but sadly part of an epidemic of family violence. Try not to feel gulty for going back in the past - it takes an average of 9 tries for a woman to leave her abusive partner. You are strong - you left - you are a good mama to your child for caring about his welfare - and you can do it without the jerk!

best wishes and a big big hug,
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#4 of 8 Old 06-05-2002, 12:46 PM
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Good for you. You made the right choice. Everyone gave good advice so I am just going to give my two cents about the debt. There are debt management programs to help you get out of debt. Or you can talk to the company you are in debt with to work out easier payment situation. Also he is responsible for at least half. Good luck. It will get easier.
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#5 of 8 Old 06-05-2002, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you so much for your advice. I have left quite a few times before but I always go back. I am currently staying with my mom who is supportive but very stressed right now due to school, my marriage, work, and a slew of other things. I know she is there to help me whenever I need it but I feel wrong venting to her knowing that it just adds that much more stress.
Max, thanks for the hotline. I will try to give them a call tonight when I get home from work. It's so hard for me to pick up a phone and ask for help. I've been so independant all my life and I know that this is the one time that I am really going to accept the fact that I need help.
I have been able to stay away from the phone all day which is a huge achievment for me. I am usually on the phone the next day saying sorry and whatnot but I am trying to stay as far away from the phone as possible to avoid any temptations. I must go get ready for work now. Once again thank you so much for you support and advice. much love

Lindsey- SAHM to Skylar (7-12-01), Leah (10-29-04), id twin boys Addison and Riley (6-17-08, born at 25w4d), and Terran (5-29-11, born at 28 weeks)

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#6 of 8 Old 06-15-2002, 04:48 AM
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Lindsey- I can only imagine what you must be going through- everyone has given good advice, but I know how important it is to have people to vent too, so vent through the computer a lot! Just know in your heart that you are a wonderful person, a great mother, and everything does happen for a reason- but now it's time for you to get control! You are in charge, and you have the pwer and strength within you to make things as best as can be! It will be very hard at first but with each day it will be easier and easier, and your son will be so much happier and relaxed, and you too! Don't be afraid to get help, we all need help at some point, every single person on this planet! WE are all here to help each other- don't hesitate to get some state assistance, I recently had to and it was hard for me, pride and all, but I it's really easy, and it's feeding us, and taking care of us until my finances change! Just take one day at a time, and constantly repeat to yourself, " I can do this, for me and my son." Good luck to you Lindsey, my thoughts willl be with you and please let us know how things are going, Just wait, in your future someone absolutely amazing will come into your life and you will say " What the hell was I thinking staying with that Jerk!"
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#7 of 8 Old 07-08-2002, 04:23 PM
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Great advice! DO call a local women's center or some such thing- they usually offer great free legal advice, tons of leads for all the resources you'll need, great people to talk to, counseling, support groups etc. Good that you are looking for support- most women to fail to GET for FIND (that means being proactive) support end up going back, as we all know- many of us from experience.

As far as debt etc., all that is going to be gone one day. Your precious life, yours and your child's, is today.
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#8 of 8 Old 08-13-2002, 03:12 AM
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yes! get all the help you can find and then some. i'm not familiar with PA, but i've found that most states will bend over backwards to protect a mom and child.
watch out for worry. worry saps your energy and makes you doubt yourself. there are a lot of unknowns out there, but worrying won't do you any good. keep focused on the fact that you are worthy of much better times ahead and that you have the strength to handle one day at a time. i often feel overwhelmed when i start thinking to far ahead, or when i haven't had enough to eat, or sleep. it helps me to have a supportive coach in my head giving me a pep-talk and telling me, "don't even go there, honey."
it won't take long until you are hooked up with a good support group in your area. reach out!
my prayers are with you. please write this group or write me if you are considering going back. Reach out!
lay all your doubts out in the open, so you can see that they are small in comparison to the power that you hold.
i was in two abusive relationships (without children) in my early twenties. i never imagined that it could get better. it took heavy duty self-examining and self-love and being completely honest with myself. this isn't a dress rehearsal. this is your life and you ain't livin no tragedy.
all women are goddesses and some men just have no business being blessed with our presense.
if he isn't treating you like the goddess you are, then he isn't treating you right. no doubt!
please reach out! and please keep us posted
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