So I'm a single Mom of an 11 year old girl. Her father and I were never married... When our daughter was 5 he got married (daughter was not invited to the wedding) and a few months later had another child. Fast forward to now where her father now has 3 kids with his wife. Just recently our daughter realized that his wife was her step mom, they don't have a relationship at all.
For the past year I've been telling my daughters father that he needs to start spending 1 on 1 time with her because he is losing her. A year ago she was in/out of the hospital and not once did he come and see her. He doesn't go to any of her sporting events, and uses the reasons that he has laundry to-do, has to work or things around the house. I understand, he's married and has 3 others kids but I don't understand why he won't go to any of her events.
It's becoming a sad situation and she doesn't want to go over and see him anymore. He cancels a lot, he didn't buy her a gift for her birthday, canceled on her for Christmas and took a family vacation and did not include her. His response on why she wasn't invited was "it wasn't my weekend".
She told him a few times on the phone that she didn't want to go over and his response was "ok, you're old enough to make your own decisions." At one game one of her friends said to me "I didn't know xxxx had a Dad." To me, that sounds so sad.
I've been defending him to our daughter constantly and I just don't know what to-do anymore. Any advise?
I'm confused: your daughter visits her father, but didn't know his wife was her stepmother, until recently?
Regardless, the basic thing I hear you saying is that you're heartsick that your ex isn't a better father, because your daughter deserves better.
That's what you should tell her. Eleven-y-o girls who are lied to by the parent they trust most - even when that parent only has the best, most loving intentions - learn not to trust people.
I would stop defending him to your daughter. You don't have to trash the man in front of her, but I do think it is very important that you tell her that his behavior is NOT okay. Tell her it makes you sad too that he isn't there for her the way she deserves. Tell her that the way he is acting is *his* choice, and not a result of anything she is doing/could every do.
When ex cancels at the last minute or doesn't show for something, leaving the kids disappointed, I tell them that it is okay to feel sad and disappointed or upset with daddy (or anyone that does that), and that people should do their best to follow through with promises. I'm not mean about it, and I encourage them to talk to their dad about it, but I never want them growing up thinking it is okay to treat or be treated like that.
Neglect is a form of emotional abuse. It's often not recognized as such, and has such lifelong lasting effects.
If her dad's behaviour is normalized and defended, it tells your daughter that it is acceptable to not expect much from men, and it primes her for future abusive relationships.
She really needs validation, and lots of it. The unspoken message of neglect is "I'm not worthy".
I agree to stop defending him. That's crazymaking and messing with her head. Her intuition is telling her something (that he is not interested). Unfortunately, it is true. Dad is clearly selfish and neglectful. I think looking into family counselling for her and you might help - but it's really important to find someone who specializes in covert abuse and neglect, and understands personality disordered parents (likely dad is narcissistic). There may be some strong feelings that arise out of this (anger, etc.).
It took a long time for me to realize that my Dad is just so into his own head and world, and because I never had anyone telling me his lack of interest in my life was not okay (he never once went to one of my high school sports games), I just came to accept that men are like that. As a teen/adult, I was attracted to narcissists, and was attractive to them because I just never was taught to expect more. Helping her see that her dad's treatment of her is unacceptable, may help her learn the process of learning to differentiate her issues from his issues, and perhaps be less likely to interpret his neglect as a defect on her part....and help her learn how to set boundaries of healthy emotional treatment of her in future relationships.
I did sugguest counsleing to her father. I told him you're losing her and it can't go on like this. You two need to talk.... His reponse "I'm not seeing a shrink so I can talk to my kid".
It is a very sad situation and my heart aches for her. I did talk to my daughter and sugguested a therapist. She loves the idea but said she doesn't want her father to know. Which I agree. I made a few calls today so fingers crossed we get in soon.
She is indeed old enough to see that he is not involving her in his life, so defending him would only mean to her that you are agreeing with what he is doing. He is not being fair to her and I think you should let him know this. Maybe you can even try to set some rules so she won't be disappointed every time he does something like not showing up at her sporting events. Like you can ask him to participate to at least 1 a month or something.
He is probably very busy with his other kids, but this is not an excuse to let your daughter feel left out of his life and he needs to understand this.
More than this, you should really have a chat with your daughter every time something like this happens and explain to her that you are there for her and your love is unconditional. The most important thing is to understand it is not her fault and that she is loved.
Good luck with that is keep us posted with how things are going!
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