Dealing With Children Who Are Angry - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 4 Old 12-10-2001, 01:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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*** This follows from a discussion started on the "Welcome Back" thread ***

I agree with you, Fire, and I do not think that you should feel guilty. Your child's safety is your responsibility. If you allow her to be with her dad when it is not safe or rather when he is not behaving responsibly, who do you think this society will blame? Of course on the other hand this society will fault you for not finding a way to get the two of them together. The heck with society!!! Your danged if you do and danged if you don't. So go with your heart and with what's in the best interest of the child.

I vowed long ago that I would not be responsible for my daughter's relationship with her father. I do not encourage it, and I do not maintain it. I feel to do otherwise would be to permit the perpetuation of a lie. I feel that my role is to be there to help her through the tough times rather than to build and sustain a fantasy world for her. It is unfortunate that he has chosen not to be more participatory, however that's who he is.

I do not prevent him from seeing her or calling her. I did create and propose the visitation schedule and he loosely follows it. I also plan the activities they do during the visit. When I decided to back out of that, my daughter requested that I continue because he doesn't make plans. But that's the extent of my involvement. I'm just getting to the point where I can discuss her visits. I'd much prefer to be completely detached. But I know that because this is a part of her life that's important to her now, I need to be interested.

When I can manage it, I sometimes try to get her to discuss her anger. She's admitted to being angry at me and she's told me what she thinks life would be like if we were all together. I then use an example family from television (usually the Cosbys) and we talk about their family dynamics. Then I ask her to compare that to our previous family dynamics. She sees my point. However for some reason (maybe it's developmental) it doesn't stick. I sometimes also get angry because when he's with her, it's after a full night's sleep versus laundry, meals, drop-off and pick-up, work, homework, hair, bathing, storytime, and the miscellaneous stuff we do with our children in between all that, so he's a great guy full of energy, able to give his undivided attention and spend large sums of money! "What's not to like Mommy? You're just mean!" That's the image she's comparing. I know she's too young to know the difference, but it still hurts.

Any thoughts???
B.
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#2 of 4 Old 12-10-2001, 11:03 PM
 
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I can not leave ds and dad alone togeather longer than an hour... also tooo before hand I have to be sure things are prpared. It's much like planning all their activities, it's very stressful. Most of the time they spend togeather is time with the three of us.
Teagan's daD is feeling bad now that he doesn't completely respond to him. I'm frustrated when I see him rolling his eyes or whinning his name in aa annoyed way at the things he does and I wonder if I do the same. I'm angry that he refuses to go to parent meetings or try to learn new ways of dealing positively with as much dedication as i think I do.cHe's tired of listening to me because I always have an opinion and suggestions. The reality is that I can see when Teagan is angry for having to many limitations and not beeing listen to. But how will they learn to know each other if I am intruding giving advice on parenting. I think if I try to respect him( hard when I see him get ornary), I can tell him how I parent, how I feel or tell him what I read. Sometimes I just have to take my son and leave. I often wonder if this is fair.
Basically we are responsible for their relationships in many ways and I see alittle clearer now.... I get angry because parenting never ends for me I cannot fork over the responsability. I don't know what will help that. Trusting other reliable people, knowing that they will have different kind of interactions and responses with and to our children will.
I know that for along time and even now ds dad felt that we as parents are solely responsible for taking care of this child. When /if we are ever both pulling 150 % we still need support from maNY OTHERS NO FAMILY IS AN ISLAND.
I wonder if the confusion,constantly trying to sort out my rights my feelings is part of the enduring struggle to have peace with his father or if it is simply part of the struggle to have peace with myself.................
just call me drama queen
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#3 of 4 Old 12-11-2001, 11:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I will not call you drama queen - I will call you loving mother.


Even though we differ in our points of view regarding the dads, I'm glad that we're having this dialogue. Like you, I struggle daily with all sorts of feelings - thoughts of what I would be doing now if my marriage were still intact, how unfair it is that I am the sole parent responsible for all decisions (that alone can be overwhelming), feelings of inadequacy, will I ever fall in love again or will someone ever fall in love with me (I don't feel very lovable these days), and sometimes feelings that I just want to run away. And then I feel awful that I have these feelings. It's a vicious cycle.

Through it all, I have tried to do what I think is best and what adds the least to my already overflowing plate. I've decided that anything I feel at any time is valid and I try to allow myself time to work through it. We are in very challenging situations and I refuse to try to reconcile it overnight. It wouldn't be fair to me, my daughter or the people I allow around me. I've been getting over this for more than seven years and i'm still pretty bitter. The flip side is that in many ways, I've grown and am much stronger than I ever thought myself capable. That's what I focus on. The small triumphs! But the fact of the matter is, as long as I am my daughter's mom, we will feel the impact of our loss.

My daughter went through a period where she was unresponsive, even hostile to her dad. His response was to stay away more. Then when she got older, and could be bought, he became more active. That seems to be where she gets the majority of her memories. Friends have suggested that she'll have a day of reckoning when she gets to the teen years and knows more about the world.

So hang in there, follow your heart and your mother instinct, and you'll find that it will get better. I commend you for making the effort of two parents. Are there others around you offering support?
B.
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#4 of 4 Old 12-11-2001, 09:26 PM
 
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Sometimes I dream of having a loving equal relationship with another man sometimes I see it in what we have now.. wich is fantasy? Should I allow my self the chance to fall in love with someone else ..are we having a consieous marrriage, considering the work that is involved in any relationship? Am I expecting to much from him? Will I ever be happy in any love affair? When am I beeing realistic about my needs...yes thank you B. ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT. In aloving intimate relationship eavh involved must allow and respect each others feelings yet still be clear about their limits. This all runs so darn parrallel with parenting....for me the most difficult and constant of things...it's seeems strange to acknowledge my own feelings continuesly...aqnd much easyer to try to forget about it and go with the flow, ignoring the bumps and bruises knowing they'll heal somewhere along the way.
Teagan's dad's worst fear is that I allow "some guy" take care of his boy...and he seems sure that it will be me who makes it this way...I think this is pretty disturbed itself. Lord knows we all have disturbing thoughts, fears and behaviors, but my beleif is that we have to talk about them get to the root of things learn grow and move on to a better undertsanding.
?Teagan's dad is not willing. I sometimes feal it is a male perogative but as I see so I recognise it is not. It is only perogative for ignorance inany human, male, female, politicien or parent.
It's not fair that I not have relationships with men for fear that I may fall in love..or that dsd will feal suspicious and I'll let him down as the perfect person I impulsively try to portray. (off topic?)
going to go to "getting love you want thread" with alienmama @ parenting parteners...
Thanks Bonnie
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