Visitation? HEEELLLLLP!!! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 6 Old 07-21-2002, 05:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to hear from any of you mommas who have an ex who has regular visits with your children. How involved are they in your life? Do you get along? Do you want to? How much time do they spend with the child/children?

My ex is starting to have visitation after not being around for 3 years. I keep asking myself why am I doing this?

I'm in a really challenging place in my life right now because I have very little support, work full time, dh is still happily nursing (though I'm hinting at weaning), we use AP as much as works for us, and he sleeps with me. I have no social life and with ex wanting to see dh now, I'm so afraid of the ex becoming my life -- by virtue of having to deal with him.

I am in counseling (he's agreed to attend a session) and we do have a parenting plan that basically says I call the shots.

I just don't want this guy in my life and I'm so confused about what is the best thing for dh, who has never even asked about a daddy so far. I feel weird introducing him into dh's life when I would not choose to have him in his life. He was abusive to me during our brief marriage and I left because of it. He's dealt with some of it and is of course being very pleasant to deal with in the moment because he knows I'll bag if he pulls the same crap again.

ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!
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#2 of 6 Old 07-21-2002, 09:22 PM
 
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Why are you doing it? <ost likely because you know it is best for your ds to know his father.

I have 2 visitation situations in my family:

Dd's dad hardly ever sees her. He was completely uninvolved in her life for the first 4 years. He sees her sporadically and just recently (she is 9 now) has started keeping regular contact with phone calls about everyu other week. Having him come in and out of her lif e is difficult. However, it is important for them to have a relationship.

Ds's dad comes to see him T/Th evenings, every other Friday, and every Saturday. He also sees him on holy days and occasionally other days.

Being around the dads is sometimes not pleasant or what I want to do. But it is not about me. It is about what is best for our children.

I totally recommend a set schedule. You can be flexible on it if need be, but it is better for the jkids ( and for you) to know when to expect the dad.
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#3 of 6 Old 07-22-2002, 11:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, it helps to hear from someone who's doing it.

Yes, it is about my son and what's best for him. My ex was a jerk when we were together and definitely has some issues but he seems pretty sincere right now about getting it together.

When I really get to the core of it all, I know I have to give my son a chance to know his dad. He's pretty smart already and sensitive to the situations around him -- I know he has his own path in life and this is part of it.

Does your ds's dad spend time in your home for those weeknight visits?

Thanks again --
Deb
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#4 of 6 Old 07-23-2002, 12:18 PM
 
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Ds's dad does spend time at my house on those evenings. They sometimes go out for a walk or play in the yard. Ds's dad does the bedtime ritual bath and story here. I just do my own thing while they are here. Since ds is 2 we have decided that this works for now. when it stops working we will change it. On Fridays and Saturdays he picks him up for the day. Overnights will most like ly start around age 3, but this is how we do it for now.

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#5 of 6 Old 07-23-2002, 12:54 PM
 
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I would only say that you should insist that he be consistant (show up when he is supposed to, etc.). Your child is not a toy to be picked up and played with when it is convenient for your ex- he is a human being with feelings and deserves to be treated with respect by your ex.

Make all the communication you have with him be about your ds. If he tries to get more personal, remind him that he is there to see his child, not you. This will create limits and boundaries that will make for a healthy relationship in the future.

If you do decide to let him come to your home, I would give them private time. Excuse yourself to another room to do something else. If your son isn't comfortable being alone with him at first, try to have a friend come over at the same time so that you have a buffer.

This all comes from my experience with a inconsistent dad to my ds who would rather spend time with me than ds. He has over the years tried to form me into a back-up girlfriend. I only wish I had set boundaries on him from the beginning.
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#6 of 6 Old 07-24-2002, 08:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good advice, laralou. I question his motives when he seems highly interested in us getting back together, and I do have the boundary issues. I'm hoping with the counseling help we both can get clear and stay that way for our son's sake. Oh my that seems like a real pie in the sky dream...
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