single by choice? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-17-2002, 12:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i was just wondering if anyone is single by choice, or chose to have a child on their own?

i'm 23 and don't have any kids yet. even though my biological clock seems to be ticking like crazy, i dream about my future baby at night, and i so want a baby NOW, it's not practical yet...considering i will be re-locating soon, don't have a steady job yet, nor stable housing, etc., etc. it is going to be quite some time before i am prepared (in those ways) to have a baby, and so i'm going to wait.

but i feel like i am *emotionally* prepared to have a baby *now*, which is making things rather frustrating. i've been working with children for 11 years now and have never really had a job NOT working with children, because there was never a doubt in my mind that being with children is my calling. i feel so blessed to have been raised with AP and to be so close to my parents...they have been such positive role models for me, and i hope i can be even half as good at mothering as my mother is! also, with 11 years of babysitting, i have been fortunate enough to learn from many mothers...

the thing is, when i lie in bed at night envisioning my future, i rarely picture being in a romantic relationship...yet i always picture being a mother. at this point in my life, i'm just not very interested in having a romantic relationship -- i'm odd, i know! but my life is quite fulfilling as it is, and i don't feel a "void" due to my lack of a romantic partner. i love my family and friends, am part of a healthy and active spiritual community, love my job, feel fulfilled by the volunteer work i do, etc. maybe someday (ok, *probably* someday) i'll want a romantic relationship, but i'm really in no hurry.
and i want to have a baby when i am prepared to do so, whether i'm partnered or not. i feel confident that i'd be a good mom, since i have tons of childcare experience, have learned so much from the moms in my life, and have a great support system of friends and family.

anyone else out there single by choice, or planning to be??
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#2 of 8 Old 08-18-2002, 03:31 AM
 
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I am a single mom by choice and I would not have it any other way! I dont know how married women do it, having to "ask premission" to do anything. Anyway I was ready to start my family and decided to foster/adopt when I got prego out of the blue. It was a huge shock but i've loved it
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#3 of 8 Old 08-18-2002, 11:42 PM
 
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Hi Britta,

I am about to start ttc as a single mom by choice....I have a long story told here earlier, if you want to find it below. I tend to resonate with your feeling....I was married for 10 years, been there done that....I could imagine not being with a partner, but I cannot imagine life without having children. Who knows, maybe I will meet Mr. Wonderful, but I am not going to sit around and wait while my eggs rot. Got to sign off now....so catch you later.
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#4 of 8 Old 08-20-2002, 01:19 AM
 
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Hi, Britta!
I'm a single mom, I didn't want to be, but I think it is better than being in an unhealthy relationship. However I know that my ds is going to need a male role model and influence. His father and I have agreed that they will always be in touch and have an established relationship. I am lucky in that respect.
I am not in your shoes, but I want to share my humble opinion and experience. I think I am a great mom, as you probably will be. But it is sooo hard! Nature has designed us to be partnered when we have babies for a reason. Not only do the children need us both, we need each other. When we are single parents, it is important to have support from someone, but having a partner to help you raise the child (ideally the father) is always best. I would consider that before bringing a child into the world knowing I am not providing him with a stable dual-parent relationship. That is my biggest guilt for my ds.
Just my opinion and experience...but good luck and God bless what ever your decision turns out to be. Ultimately a child needs love above all else! Sounds like you will have an easy time with that one. Also, have you looked any into adoption?
Jewels
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#5 of 8 Old 08-24-2002, 03:48 PM
 
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Britta,

I'm 6 mo pregnant with my first, and single. Similar to what you described, I'm relatively young (24) can easily picture myself single long-term, but knew kids had to be in the picture. I initially planned to have one birth child and then foster-to-adopt any others, but I'm really enjoying pregnancy, and as a low-income single queer parent with a disability, there may be some barriers to adoption.

Anyway, I wanted to say "go for it!" You know what's best for you. Not everyone has to fit into this "traditional" mold. Two parents are not enough to raise a kid anyway, it really takes as many resources as anyone can muster. Sure there are times (and I'm sure there will be many more once the kid is here) that I wish I had someone to share the stuff with, but i have a great family and friends and I'm a very strong, independent person.

I worked with kids of all ages and did a lot of sperm bank vs known donor research - years - before I got to this point. I ended up going with a donor who is willing to meet the kid at age 18 or after, through a nice sperm bank. For me it was a lot of $ (2 months at abotu $500/month), but well worth it. Although I was seriously talking with some friends about them donating, I am so relieved that I will never have to worry about custody etc (not to mention STDs!).

I'm proud and excited and send all my encouragement to you. Do all the research you can now, then when you are settled and feel ready, you'll be st to go for it!

-max
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#6 of 8 Old 08-26-2002, 07:10 PM
 
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Britta,

I will be a single mother by choice. I'm ttc next month! So, hopefully, it'll happen sooner rather than later

I am now 34 and no partner in sight. Like you, I've always pictured myself with kids, but I'm not terribly invested in pursueing a relationship. I figure on my deathbed, I'd be sad about not falling in love/partnering up but I'd be absolutely devastated if I was never a parent and didn't have kids!

So, I have got my ducks as lined up in a row as they'll get and I'm going for it. I've wanted kids for the last 14 years, and have seriously planned the last two years and now I'm ready. Things aren't perfect, but good enough and I have alot of support.

Do what you have to do and forge ahead.

Peace,

madison

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#7 of 8 Old 08-26-2002, 08:59 PM
 
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Hey Madison, Talk about synchronicity! I will be ttc by donor insemination next month too....actually after my 35th birthday on September 29.....probably the second week of October will be my first insemination. I am really psyched. I have been getting all my ducks in a row, too. I recently started my own business which only requires that I work outside the home for two days a week. So, I figure, I will have as much an ideal situation as I can as a single mom. Please keep me posted, and best of luck!---Raven
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#8 of 8 Old 08-27-2002, 09:55 PM
 
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Sounds great, Raven. I think I'll be ovulating right around mid-September May the fertility goddesses smile on us both
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