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#61 of 251 Old 11-18-2004, 03:38 PM
 
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Need opinions on this mamas:

So I've been seeing this guy Ryan a lot lately. We've been out 3 times so far and have plans to see each other again tomorrow night. I've been talking to him on the phone just about every day too. He's really sweet and I'm starting to like him.

He seems really interested in me and tells me I'm a great girl, etc. but I'm nervous about liking him too much because I wasn't sure what is intentions were, so last night I asked him. I asked what he was looking for and weather or not he was sleeping with anyone (we haven't had sex). He said that he was not seeing or sleeping with anyone. He wasn't necessarily looking to get into a relationship but he certainly isn't opposed to the idea either. But then he did tell me that an "old friend" that he dated 5 years ago was flying down to visit him for a few days on Thanksgiving. He said he wasn't saying he was going to have sex with her, and that she just wanted to come down to visit him. He also said that the trip has been booked for a long time, long before he met me.

It kind of hurt my feeling to hear that, but I was really happy that he told me. I'd much rather have him be honest with me. He also said that he thought I was an "amazing woman" and that he liked spending time with me. He said that he'd be open to having an RDT (reltaionship definition talk) a few weeks down the road. I asked what he meant and he said that if things are still going good and we both like each other then we can talk about getting into a relationship.

I'm a little confused and not sure what to think. I feel sad about the ex coming to visit him, but at the same time happy that he could be honest with me. But I can't talk sh** about that because I am still friendly with all of my ex boyfriends and ex husband. I think it just hurts to think that he might be still sleeping with her. What do you mamas think? Any advice? I'm really starting to like this guy.

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#62 of 251 Old 11-18-2004, 04:47 PM
 
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Well you gave me advise, so I'll return the favor. :LOL

First of all, his status just shot up a zillion in my book by the fact that he was totally honest with you about his x. Now as far as them having sex ... we all know it's likely, and I understand how that hurts. BUT, it's not like you two have begun having a sexual relationship yet, and you are not exclusive yet. Does not make it feel any better, I know.

He sounds like an awesome guy who is totally in touch with his emotions ... how often does a guy say he's ready to have the big "relationship" talk without some prodding? Not often! From what you write, he really likes you and may very well hold out on sex with the x if he's that interested in you.

My best advise is to try and rein in that jealousy (easier said than done, I know!) and look forward to the relationship talk! He sounds like a great guy.

We'll be here to vent to while you stress over the Thanksgiving weekend, but I think in the end it sounds like you two have something very real forming.

s

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#63 of 251 Old 11-18-2004, 05:21 PM
 
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Sigh...that's so hard AidenMatthew'sMom...

I agree that it's ultimately great that he was honest with you...even about the potential sex part, he didn't concretely say "I'm definitely NOT going to sleep with her" (that would come across as a mistruth IMHO).

It must be awkward because you are forming a relationship and you are so hopeful but the relationship is not at the point where either of you are making promises or committed to each other.

I agree with Mistymama in that, all you really do is just experience your jealousy in your own heart/mind, there isn't much you can hold him to at this point in your relationship...

But, the good news is that the ex is going to get on a plane and fly home.

It's really up to Ryan and what he chooses to do...

In the meantime, keep us posted and we'll help you through!

Mel.
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#64 of 251 Old 11-18-2004, 08:11 PM
 
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aidan'smom- just for perspective i am often the ex visiting with no sex. maybe he didnt say they werent going to have sex because she didnt say one way or the other. i dont feel as if i need to say "ya know ex b.f., were not dating now but i would love to visit you but just so you know were NOT going to have sex" i just assume were not. ykwim?
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#65 of 251 Old 11-19-2004, 10:21 PM
 
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Thanks mamas for the advice. He really is a nice guy. The jealousy has passed, it just hurt for a few hours after I found out, then I really thought about it and let it go. I'm going out with him again tonight.

I love hearing other people's perspectives, and I really appreciate everyone's suggestions and advice. It helps that we all have similar situations and have all been there. I really feel like I can relate to all of you more that I can relate to my friends that I see every day.

You are a great group of mamas and have helped me through many sad nights. I really appreciate it

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#66 of 251 Old 11-19-2004, 11:48 PM
 
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I can relate to feeling hurt/jealous over another woman a little bit tonight...the guy I have been talking to (that I thought wasn't going to call back anymore called today (twice! and sent me an e-mail too), so I am pretty excited about that, but at the same time he mentioned in passing another woman he is interested in....this should be fine, I mean we aren't dating yet even, just talking, but dang! And this is another single mom so now I am thinking "well, what if her schedule and my schedule both are free on the same day, would he go out with me or her?" little green monster on my shoulder :

Oh well, I went out for dinner and a movie with my three favorite boys Life is good
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#67 of 251 Old 11-24-2004, 01:56 AM
 
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LOL, I hate replying to a thread right after myself....I swear it has been days between :LOL

My guy friend and I were talking on the phone tonight, and I mentioned that last Thanksgiving I spent the whole day crying...now he thinks he is my rebound boy. How do I convince him I am readier for a relationship now? I mean it has been more than a year, I have dated other guys that *was* a whole year ago.

Oh!!!!! And I forgot....he is so incredible, he lives way up in the next county but I told him I bumped my head and thought I had a concussion and he actually was going to drive down here just to take me to the hospital
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#68 of 251 Old 11-25-2004, 08:13 PM
 
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Pity party going on over here. Ryan's "visitor" is down now and I'm bummed out. She'll be here til Monday. He hasn't called me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. He has sent me a few text messages and says he can't wait to see me again and he'll talk to me real soon. But the fact that he hasn't called me since she's been down says something.

I think I'm over-reacting and over-analyzing here, but I can't stop. He doesn't know I'm upset, and I'll never tell him that it bothers me, but it does.

I really like him but I can't help but to feel like something (more than friendly) is going on with the "visitor". It's a sticky situation. He's really not doing anything wrong cause we're still just dating and she's had the trip booked for months now (before him and I even met).

Dating is no fun. :

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#69 of 251 Old 11-25-2004, 11:42 PM
 
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s Jill.

Of course it's hard! I'd be going nuts too ... and you are so right, it's a sticky situation because he's really not doing anything wrong (and was totally honest about it) but it still hurts!

Hang in there, vent to us, and take a little comfort in the fact that he has been contacting you ... that means that no matter what's going on with her, he's still thinking about you. That's a very good thing! I'd guess it would be kinda awkward for him to call you with her there, so txting is probably what is easiest.

Try to keep busy to keep the little green monster at bay ... and remember that she is flying back home (far away!) in a few days and he will be all yours again. And I'm willing to bet next time she wants to fly down, his answer is no.

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#70 of 251 Old 11-26-2004, 02:39 AM
 
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want me to kick her butt for you?

I think it is very encouraging that he is contacting you via text message, I know when I have visitors I usually stay too busy to even think let alone call anyone.
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#71 of 251 Old 11-26-2004, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Jill....

I can understand your feelings. However, as the others have mentioned, the fact that he is sending you text msgs is a good sign. It would be awkward to call someone you are dating when you have other "company" in the house, platonic or not. When she goes home, I'm sure she will become a distant memory within a few days .

Take care - keep us posted!

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#72 of 251 Old 11-29-2004, 07:26 PM
 
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OK, someone dish some dirt :

I have nothing to share at all....won't get that first date til December 22nd due to his increasingly busy scedule (he promises that will be more "normal" in January....we shall see), and things continue to be weird....ie he will call me 2-3 times a day plus talk to me online for a week, but then disappear for a week.
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#73 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 10:33 AM
 
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no dating here, i can't find anyone i was date. my school (and virtually only social lofe) is filled to the brim with single momma's, gay men or 18 year olds. it kind oif narrows the dating pool.
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#74 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 11:51 AM
 
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Ok, I'll dish.

Last night Jeremy came over to watch a movie. About a week ago we had "the talk" ... it was kind of awkward, but it basicly boiled down to the fact that we both really like eachother and don't want to date anyone else.

We talk everyday and he drives up to see me (at least an hour each way) 1-2x a week. I try to go up to see him the same.

I have never clicked with anyone like I click with him ... he is sweet, cute, thoughtful, considerate ... the list goes on and on. I was with my stbx 10 years and never felt this happy, ever.

Ahhh, .

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#75 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 04:07 PM
 
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OK, here's some dirt for you.

Ryan's "friend" went back home yesterday morning, and it turns out that she was just a friend after all. They came in to visit me at work on Sunday before she left. He's been really sweet lately, telling me how he misses me and can't wait to see me again, etc. He came over last night after DS went to be but then DS woke up crying and had thrown up so I told Ryan that I had to take care of DS cause he wasn't feeling well. He was really cool about it. He said he understood that I was a mom before anything else and he gave me a hug and went home

We have plans to go out tonight after work. DS is feeling better and he stays with his dad on Tuesday nights because I work pretty late. I'm thinking that tonight may be "the night". This will be our 7th date. I'm a little nervous but excited at the same time, it's been a loooooooooooooong time!

Wish me luck mamas!

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#76 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 05:31 PM
 
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Oooh Jill, I'm so excited for you! He sounds like an awesome guy, he really does.

Make sure you update us after your date, sounds like it's going to be a fun night.

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#77 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 07:00 PM
 
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Candace it sounds like things are going really well I am so happy for you, he sounds like he is awesome

And Jill enjoy tonight!!! Sounds wonderful

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#78 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 07:41 PM
 
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Candace--That does sound awesome! I am glad you had the talk. And I am glad you feel so wonderful (gotta that feeling).

And Jill!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Brusselsprout--you are not doing so bad either. I would not worry too much. He might just be super busy. Keep us posted



Ahhh, and then there is me

Well, I had mentioned earlier I was having a male friend come to visit me. I have known the guy for 11 years now (I think, it feels like forever). Well, it was interesting. I am still at a crossroads. So confusing! :LOL

It seems we are both being vague, but I know on my part I want to go slow and easy. I do not want to just bed him (even though I have known him forever we still have to take our time going to another level) asap. And I still am not entirely sure what he feels. We talked about it, but never came to any conclusion about what we want from each other.

But I also feel like part of me is hesitant at even thinking about pursuing a relationship with him. I am very attracted to him, I think he is sexy, smart, interesting and funny...but I am not sure how I feel about him in the long term sense, about anyone, about a relationship. It seems soon, and I am not wanting to make a firm commitment so quickly. Of course, I am not sure if he thinks he is mature enough to be a father and ready be in a committed relationship either--as we are both young and he just had a girl break his heart a year ago. Plus he would want to be able to support us, and right now with school, 2 mortages and life he would not be able to do so (not that I expect it, but he needs to get his life there squared away before he moves here).

And I felt very nervous around him, and self conscious, both are which unusual for me. But part of me did not want to lead him on or be too obvious and forward too soon, nor was I sure how I felt so that was hard. I was not myself, and I feel like I could have acted differently and been more open to it all.

Of course since he lives halfway across the country, I am going to just see how it plays out. No sense in pressuring myself or him.


Clear as mud? :LOL

But in jest, I had a great weekend. I wish some things had gone differently. And it is not over, but it is not resolved either

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#79 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 09:05 PM
 
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meco - sounds like you are going into this with your eyes open ... I think we all do that after leaving a less than desirable relationship! I know I finally decided just to be happy in the moment and stop trying to over analyze things, once I did that, everything started to fall into place. And if it ends tomorrow, I've enjoyed the ride, ya know?

Your new guy sounds great, and the fact that he's half way across the country will certainly help with keeping things slow. :LOL I know my guy lives an hour away and even that helps.

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#80 of 251 Old 11-30-2004, 09:27 PM
 
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ita.
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#81 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 02:48 PM
 
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#82 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seasons: I think that, on some level, Fella believes that you are playing hard to get even though you have been up front and repeatedly honest with him about where you stand. One thing stands out for me after reading this post.... it doesn't sound like you have a lot of chemistry with Fella, or there would likely be some type of sexual attraction. Are you willing to continue dating even though there is a serious impasse here with regards to your future goals and his, or would it be better to end the relationship before he becomes any more attached to you and DD? I'm not sure if I have any more advice for you, as it sounds like you are working through this situation.

Hope this helps - I have some dirt of my own that will be going into another post.

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#83 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 03:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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After much discussion with my therapist, friends, and family members over the past few days, I've decided that I need to have a talk with "W" - the guy I broke up with right before my birthday. He initiated an exchange of text messages and e-mails with me the day before Thanksgiving indicating that he misses me and wants to try being friends. I agreed that we could try it, but I realize now that I want more. I want to stop living in the past, stop seeing myself as wounded and damaged, and I have to stop running away from relationships that could be positive and worthwhile in my life. I'm done operating from a position of weakness, and I want to try opening my heart to this person. I'm going to tell him how I feel: that he knows who I am, what I'm going through, where the process is leading me, and that the best is yet to come. I will also tell him that I don't want rescuing, but that I want to work through my issues on my own with his support. If he is willing to take me as I am, then I am willing to do all that I can to make this relationship work without excessive anxiety, worry, neediness, and dependence on him. I go to see him in 2 hours - will report back when I'm done!

Wish me luck.....

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#84 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 03:39 PM
 
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Soul-O, good for you mama! I hope all goes well with "W". It sounds like he's a really nice guy.

Seasons, it sounds like "Fella" may be more of a friend. If you're not feeling any desire towards him and if you wouldn't grieve if he fell off the planet, then maybe you just like him as a friend and companion.

Meco, it sounds like you have a nice friend. I hope all contunes to go well with him. The fact that you're nervous around him is a good sign, it probably means that you like him and want to impress him. I feel the same way when I'm with Ryan.

Here's my update:

So I went out with Ryan last night and we did end up sleeping together. It was nice. But today I'm feeling kind of bad about it because I see myself really starting to like him and I'm not sure how he is feeling. We talked back and forth on text messages for a while this morning. He's going to call me around 3 ish to talk. I told him that I am starting to have feeling for him and I don't want to just become a booty call girl, that I am looking for more than that. I said that if he didn't feel the same way then I didn't see a reason for us to continue dating and that I would move on and find someone who is looking for the same thing that I am.

So thats it. I really don't see a point in continuing dating him if he isn't looking for any kind of relationship. I would like to find someone that I can date and be in a comitted relationship with. I've been single for a while now and I know that that is what I want. I have a funny feeling that Ryan does not want the same thing. I'll report back later after the phone conversation.

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#85 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 03:46 PM
 
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#86 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 04:19 PM
 
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Seasons: I am with you. I used to be a highly sexual person. Now I cannot even bring myself to THINK about it. Sure it sounds good in theory, but I just cannot.

I am not sure what it is. I have thought about it. It might be the fear of having another child alone, the fact I am a mother and feel that is more important to raise my child, I cannot have fun while my son is wherever, I am scared of the potential outcome (just sleeping with someone and not having the possibility for a relationship), there are so many possibilities.

All I know is I am not feeling it. And really all I want to do is make out (so jr. high :LOL)--kiss, snuggle, hug, be together...

So I feel you.







But I am jealous of you, Jill!!!! I am impresseed that you told him how you feel. That is impressive! I need to work on being as forthcoming and honest as you.

Ok, next post to respond to the rest

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#87 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 04:29 PM
 
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Soul-O, you too. You are impressive. You are following your heart and really looking at your needs, wants and situation. Insight is great sometimes huh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul-O
I want to stop living in the past, stop seeing myself as wounded and damaged, and I have to stop running away from relationships that could be positive and worthwhile in my life. I'm done operating from a position of weakness, and I want to try opening my heart to this person. I'm going to tell him how I feel: that he knows who I am, what I'm going through, where the process is leading me, and that the best is yet to come. I will also tell him that I don't want rescuing, but that I want to work through my issues on my own with his support. If he is willing to take me as I am, then I am willing to do all that I can to make this relationship work without excessive anxiety, worry, neediness, and dependence on him.
It can hard figuring out what you want--see my post :LOL But this seems like a wonderful perspective. I really hope that you do live in the moment. And that he welcomes you with open arms. This was especially touching and well written. I feel as if I could have written it. I think some of us probably feel that way. I wish you the very best of luck.

Good luck, mama! Do keep us posted. I hope it is wonderful for you.

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#88 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 04:51 PM
 
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I've been following this thread and just thought I'd jump into the discussion. Soul-O, I am rooting for you. If "W" is as good a guy as he seems, this will be further indication of it. He will understand your cautiousness.

Seasons, it took me over a year to feel something even vaguely like sexual desire again. I dated a few guys, even one like Fella, except he was another single parent. He was nice and all, but.... Don't disregard that "but" because it's a big one! It's your gut telling you something. A long time ago, I didn't listen to my gut or the but and ended up very unhappy for the last years of my marriage. I hope I've learned from that mistake.

And for those mommies who are convinced that they will never meet anyone:

I did the usual stuff: Parents without Partners (nice but YAWN), fixups from friends (ick, ick, ick), Craigs List (even worse), etc. On the previous dating thread, someone mentioned the website SingleParentMeet. I was feeling lonely and hormonal so I opened a profile. I chatted with a few guys including one who totally creeped me out with his references to bathtub massages (In about the second e-mail!!) But most of the guys were OK and I met two. The second was a winner and we are still dating now four months later. He has two children and they get along with mine and I'm beginning to hope that there might be a happily-ever-after somewhere in my not-too-distant future. I didn't think I was ready for dating seriously yet, but this relationship has blossomed beautifully so I have thrown all preconceptions about timelines, readiness and the like out the proverbial window. He has boosted my self-esteem immensely and we just get along so well. And this from someone who couldn't turn a head if her butt was on fire.
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#89 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's my update.....

Went over to "W"'s apartment - we talked about my situation, and all that my recovery entails. He spoke frankly about being worried that I would be walking in and out of his life whenever I had a crisis, and I reassurred him that I want to be open to whatever comes along and that even if I'm scared or anxious about the relationship, I will communicate my feelings to him before I get to a crisis point again. He said that he understands that I want to work through my issues on my own, but that he also wants to be able to offer support to me in my times of need. Basically, it looks like we are going to try this relationship out again, and this time..... I'm really giving it a fair shake. No games, no need for anxiety or fear - it either works or it doesn't. I actually don't feel anxious at all right now, which is quite unexpected. I'll keep you posted on the details as they come, but I'm amazed at how open, honest, and loving this man has been with me, over and over, and how much I want to be with him.

Tabitha ~ devoted wife to my best friend Stephen ribbonyellow.gif and gentle Christian mom to six DSs: notes.gif E - 2/09/00REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifA - 3/05/03superhero.gifA- 6/05/06 guitar.gif H- 2/07/08 jog.gif J - 11/14/10 bouncy.gif T - 8/23/12 + stork-suprise.gif due 9/20/14!  brokenheart.gif DD Janae 10/19/09 angel2.gif
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#90 of 251 Old 12-01-2004, 07:13 PM
 
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Soul-O ... sounds good! He really sounds like an awesome guy, and you sound like you are in a much better place emotionally as well. I have a really good feeling about this.

AidenandMathewsMom - Let us know how the talk goes. What makes you think he only wants booty calls? :LOL I think this early on in the relationship, it's hard to say ... hopefully you will learn more about where he stands after you talk, please keep us posted!

And as far as not feeling sexual attraction to someone ... well, um, I would think that's a red flag that you are just not attracted to that person. I know I met a few guys (very casual settings) that were attracted to me, but I had NO attraction to them. But when I met Jeremy, I could hardly hold myself back, if you get my drift. : I know for me, sexual attraction is either 100% there, or it isn't. I can't even explain what I'm attracted to, I just know when I feel it.

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