Why I love Being a Single Mother - Page 13 - Mothering Forums

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#361 of 482 Old 08-23-2009, 02:37 AM
 
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warning: i am not entirely sober while weriting this.

tonight the kids are with their dad. i got home form work and poured a dellicious hot bath. after a couple of large drinks i put my book aside and had a loud singalongkwith ani. i was definitly out of tune and sounded bad, but my volme and enthusam made up for how freaking terrible i sounded, i liketo think. it doesnt matter, though. no one heard me and i felt great. i freakking love living alone.
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#362 of 482 Old 08-25-2009, 04:44 PM
 
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I think the biggest thing for me is knowning that drama is not allowed nor welcomed. Granted my son's father and I get along but we have our days are drama and mess. But he has his own place and I have mine. I enjoy the peace is knowing that my son and I can establish a routine with no interruptions, that everything in my apt belongs to me, all the clothes I was are mine (every now and then I find something of his). It's just peaceful because its all mine.

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#363 of 482 Old 08-26-2009, 11:03 PM
 
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Just back from a fantastic 3 day camping trip with just me and the kids. Swimming, hiking, pony rides, fun...No negotiations, no bickering, simplicity and peace..we all had a fantastic time, met tons of people that we wouldn't have if ex was there (not the most social guy), I rememberd again i'm capable of so much more than it seemed when we were togeher, the kids were easy easy to deal with the whole time, I was so relaxed, and I got my own campfire going! :

Now, my night without the kids i get to shop at the market at my own pace, choose what *I* want to eat without thinking about 2 or 3 others, go for an evening run, take a long bath, have a glass of wine..

Life is not perfect but it's all pretty great right now.
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#364 of 482 Old 09-06-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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I have been single for 46 days now!

Some things I like:

My ex was an alcoholic. For most of our relationship if I bought liquor to make mixed drinks he would drink it all in a day or two. Now I can buy bottles to stock the liquor cabinet and know they'll stay there.

After he got sober, my ex insisted it was fine if I drank in front of him. But every time I did he would get angry and resentful at me. Now, I can have a drink after the kids go to bed and there's no one to criticize me!

I don't feel guilty for eating the last of something.

I can make what I want for dinner every night.

No one knows if I don't shave my armpits.

I can choose what I want to spend my money on without anyone complaining that I am wasting money.

I'm the only one spending money from my bank account so no surprises.

The tv isn't on all day.

No one knows if I don't clean the house for a few days.

I can roll the computer desk into the living room to watch my favorite show while on the internet, and I don't have to worry about my ex liking it so much that it stays in there permanently.

I'm not disappointed that someone offered to watch the kids so I could have some time to myself and then failed to follow through.

If the kids make a huge mess no one tells me that I should have watched them better.

I don't have to explain to everyone why my husband didn't come with me to an event.

If something is lost I don't have to look for it higher than I can reach.

No one is constantly putting my keys/wallet/cell phone up high where I can't see or reach them.

No more cigarette butts all over the ground outside.
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#365 of 482 Old 09-06-2009, 08:10 PM
 
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Thank you all.

“ it was her habit to build laughter out of inadequate materials....She seemed to know that if she swayed the family shook, and if she ever deeply wavered or despaired the family would fall.”
 -Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath (I frequently ask myself, 'what would Ma Joad do?')

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#366 of 482 Old 09-08-2009, 04:44 AM
 
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No more cigarette butts all over the ground outside.
Word! LOL

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#367 of 482 Old 09-16-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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When your period is late, you don't panic - you KNOW it's not pregnancy!

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#368 of 482 Old 09-21-2009, 03:06 AM
 
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I found a version of this thread three years ago, and it really helped. On days when I feel low and a bit overwhelmed, it's nice to come back and be reminded that the divorce was a blessing. Being a single parent is actually a gift, and I thank God for letting me be in this space, even when I struggle and feel sorry for myself. Thanks for keeping the positive energy going. Just focusing on the good parts:

-I feel safe and loved when I go to sleep at night.
-I don't have to co-parent with a narcissist (I mean that literally/clinically).
-There is love and peace in our home, and that's all my daughter remembers.
-I don't have to be a perfect parent. I'm not falling short of anyone's expectations or seeking approval.
-There is still the possibility that a good man will come into our lives. You know, someone kind and normal. (That would require dating, of course I'll get there.)

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#369 of 482 Old 02-22-2010, 07:04 AM
 
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Subbing!

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#370 of 482 Old 02-22-2010, 12:59 PM
 
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Yay! Glad this thread is alive again! It's what helped me during the TWO YEARS it took to finally make the decision.

So here I am...the dust has settled, now it's just the legal stuff (will be pretty straight forward for us).

What I love:
*After bedtime is MY time!
*When my little guy climbs in (ok, I don't always love this at 2AM, but mostly!)
*Decorating with only my tastes to worry about! (PINK curtains in my room and I love them!!!)
*Having scrambled eggs and tomato soup for supper if we want! Or pancakes or whatever...meat and potatoes not required.
*Exploring more and more healthy foods (I've put on a lot of stress-eating-weight over the past decade and now it's time to relearn everything)
*Mama-only time when DS is having a "man weekend" -- this is more free time than I've had in years!!!!
*Having the guts to try something new...since after bed-time is my time, I've got time to take some classes and eventually go back to grad-school full time!
*Discovering true friends who maybe weren't such close friends before but were happy to lend support, or let me crash a date night to get me out of the house.

I've discovered that my work level when I'm "doing it all alone" is actually a little less than before. One less person to take care of. And since he's around here and wants to be involved, I actually get a couple weekends a month -- give or take -- to myself! And even on off-weekends, we can be flexible. Yesterday, when DS really wanted to see his dad, we made arrangements to meet up for breakfast and he went to play over at Dad's for a couple of hours.

This is such a different place to be in than a year ago! I am grateful for a resource like MDC for giving me a sounding board and having tons of BTDT posts to read!!
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#371 of 482 Old 03-08-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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Wow, I've loved reading this thread...

New here and these are a couple of reasons I'm happy its just the two of us...

1. No expectations...no disappointments.

2. I prepare a mainly plant-based foods to nourish us...and now there's no fear in experimenting and things going 'wrong'. I'm good and I know it...and so did HE. Never try to feed a professional chef who's seen and done it all...but who only 'cooks for money'...nothing will ever be good enough...grrrrr!

3. I spend MY time the way I want to...no guilt trips. If I want to go for a two-hour walk, no questions asked.

4. No one to call me worthless or a waste of time.

5. No skid marks on the toilet to scrub off. Gross.

6. Not having to worry about talking to men and being accused of 'looking'.

7. I can do yoga poses and not have it called 'gay yoga thing' (???)

8. I feel comfortable nursing in public.

9. I can drive whatever I want without being called a skid- yeah, its a beater but its reliable - all that matters.

10. I am free to raise a child in a relaxed, non-judgmental atmosphere.


Thanks again y'all...this post is inspiring in a sometimes dismal-seeming endeavor. Let the light shine on through!
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#372 of 482 Old 03-08-2010, 05:06 PM
 
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I haven't read the whole thread, but here are my reasons for loving being single:

1. No one yells at me in my house anymore.

2. I no longer have to walk on eggshells in my house. There is so much peace!

3. I can finally get rid of all the prickly roses in the garden and put the types of flowers in that I like.

4. I am way better off financially, even with having a nanny.

5. Because of the nanny (the worlds best nanny I think!) I always come home to a clean house after work.

6. I can go "green" - My electric, gas, and water bills have all been cut in half and I was finally able to eliminate paper towels from the house.

7. I get days off to myself where I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

8. I can parent the kids without someone standing over me every second of the day telling me how to do it.

9. I can choose to not put the garbage can on the curb on garbage day without hearing "You never know what we may have the next week. Even if there is only a little bit in it, it still needs to be put out." And no one yells at me anymore if I don't break down a box before putting it in the recycle bin.

10. I am happier than I have been in a long time!!!
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#373 of 482 Old 03-08-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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delete! just noticed I posted nearly the same thing just a couple of weeks ago. OOPS!!
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#374 of 482 Old 03-08-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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I love this thread!
One minor thing that I still really enjoy -- I use so many less resources living alone. My electric bill has literally been cut in half every month since my ex moved out. I can take out the recycling literally once a month, and I have no more than one kitchen trash bag in the trash can every week. I use so much less in the way of toilet paper, paper towels, and cleaning products -- I totally don't feel bad spending a couple extra bucks buying Seventh Generation products if it lasts me six months. My ex would go through a roll of paper towels in a couple of days (god knows how, it's not like he did any cleaning.) I use mostly rags and I've had the same six-pack of paper towels for months now. I have the compost pile going again. I've put DS back in cloth diapers. Without big man jeans in the washing machine, I do maybe two loads of laundry per week. I run the dishwasher maybe once every four days. Since I'm not feeding a big man, my grocery bill is a lot cheaper, but with more organics and high quality food. I also love that I can buy alcohol and it doesn't disappear.
If I was in the house, I couldn't get my ex to watch the baby for more than a few minutes. He'd start lazing on the couch and the baby would wander back to me. Now, he takes DS to his house, and I have a big stretch of free time to get things done, relax or hang out with other grownups. And since my ex sees DS less, it seems like the time they have together is better quality. He actually focuses on interacting with him now.
I used to be angry while I was cleaning the house, because my ex never pulled his weight. Now, doing house chores is pretty pleasant. I turn on some music and get things clean, without seething about cleaning up someone else's mess.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#375 of 482 Old 03-08-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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10. I am free to raise a child in a relaxed, non-judgmental atmosphere.
This is priceless! And the no more skid marks thing is pretty awesome too. I love not cleaning up guy toilets.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#376 of 482 Old 03-08-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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Well, I loved being able to choose my son's name all by myself.
I also loved not having to argue with someone about whether or not I'd get him circumcised.
And I love the fact that I can teach my son to pee sitting down. It's so much cleaner!

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#377 of 482 Old 03-09-2010, 04:09 AM
 
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What a great post. I can't read all the posts right now but am definitely going to over the next few days!

I love being a single mamma because:

~ I can go without a shower for three days
~ Everyday my sole focus is on my own personal growth -- and let me tell you it's been AMAZING
~ Honestly, I've always really enjoyed being single; now I know this is where I'm going to stay
~ It forced me back into school where I am learning the skills to live my dreams of becoming an artist
~ There is no TV in my house but the music is on 24/7 (that's probably my favorite on the whole list!)
~ Sadly, my ex-husband had never taken on any childcare duties but over the last year has turned into a very involved father...such a relief for our daughter's sake
~ There's only room for two in our bed anyway...my munchkin and I
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#378 of 482 Old 03-09-2010, 12:58 PM
 
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*Decorating with only my tastes to worry about! (PINK curtains in my room and I love them!!!)

*Discovering true friends who maybe weren't such close friends before but were happy to lend support, or let me crash a date night to get me out of the house.
Oh man, these 2 totally ring true for me!! I LOVE the color pink - but I have a pink flowery bedspread instead of curtains

And, I have reconnected with so many good friends during my break-up - even people I didn't think were my friends! It's SO GOOD to have friends to help me out when I need it!
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#379 of 482 Old 03-18-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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Oh how I love this thread and I SO needed it. I've been divorced for about 4 years now, and so many people are trying to tell me I need to find someone and settle down again. Blah. Not ready for that.

What I LOVE...

1. I get to snuggle with ds (11) and not have ex tell me he's too old to be cuddled.

2. Take kids with me shopping, running errands, etc.. and not have ex tell me that taking the kids is too much trouble.

3. Spend Sunday in PJs and hanging around the house without an argument.

4. Going to parent teacher meetings alone and getting to hear how great my kids are doing without ex asking the teacher if OUR kids are smarter than all the others.

5. Being able to take an hour long bath without hearing complaints about the water bill.

6. Being able to follow MY dreams and encouraging my children to be able to talk about THEIR dreams without ridicule.

7. Starting a business, buying a house, managing a home, raising two children, And THRIVING after ten years of being Ex's "insignificant other"
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#380 of 482 Old 03-18-2010, 05:17 PM
 
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1) Dinner time being a real family time and a time for dd and I to connect--not having to sit in tense silence and then wait for X to hurry up from the table. Dd and I cook together, toast and say our blessing every night and then enjoy a meal talking about our days. Bliss.

2) As others have mentioned, when dd goes to bed it's MY time. SUCH peace to be able to sit and journal in silence, or eat pudding in front of my computer and just feel totally free and peaceful.

3) Not being disappointed when X lets me down; since I don't count on him any more for family outings, I am not disappointed when he's not a part of them. Instead, I am happy to have new traditions and spend quality time with dd.

4) Free to be more spontaneous. On our first gorgeous spring day, dd and I had a picnic breakfast on our back porch. Just because. We have also eaten dinner outside twice now, something that X always thought was "too much trouble."

5) I can decorate the way I please! X always thought he had better taste than me but now I am free to embrace my kitsch!

6) No more being embarrassed about the amount of empty bottles of booze lying around the house! No more not being able to buy a nice bottle of, say, Prosecco just to have on hand for when guests come over or whatever only to have it drunk in one night because my alcoholic X ran out of alcohol to drink!

7) The sense of pride and accomplishment when I do things that X always did, even if they are things that I don't exactly enjoy: moving furniture, fixing stuff, taking out trash, shoveling walkway, etc. I really am capable of doing a lot!

8) Not worrying about how X is going to behave around friends and family and feeling embarrassed and anxious about it. He's not my responsibility anymore!

9) Snuggling in bed with dd and not having him vex me about "needing to sort that out." (her not being in her own bed, that is).

I'm sure there's more but this is a good list to remind me of why I did what I did and why I should be grateful for where I'm at! I'm inspired reading all of yours, too, mamas!

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#381 of 482 Old 03-20-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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This thread is making me all emotional, because for the past four years or so, I have had two realtionships in succession and they both caused me much heartache. I still feel like I am in the thick of it and instead of feeling like this is my chosen life and celebrating it, I feel like I am just getting through. So what do I love about being a single mama?
***I guess it all boils down to one thing really; and that is total control. I am a relationship person, and if I found someone amazing I would give on this one of course, but It is one less stress knowing that however I want to handle something, well, it is up to me to decide how. I also love hanging out with my kids. They are the most amazing people and I know I have much to learn from them, and their dad is totally missing out on their childhood. I would not want to be in his shoes

Happiness despite misery is a great victory, I think...

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#382 of 482 Old 06-05-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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Just wanted to bump this for anyone who hasn't read it or for those that want to read it again!

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#383 of 482 Old 06-05-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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Thank you, thank you!!



I am subscribing to this thread so that I can come back to it when I'm feeling low.

I'll add a couple:

Going to the park or on a hike with my daughter and not feeling disappointed that stbx declined to go with us again.

Not staring at the back of his head for hours as he played WOW and not having my daughter exposed to his internet addiction as much anymore.

Making brussels sprouts and toast with cheese for dinner and no one complains. we seem to waste a lot less food and eat a lot more veggies now.

Freedom!
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#384 of 482 Old 06-05-2010, 03:47 PM
 
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Your welcome!

I am going to add some as well...

-Having total freedom. I can go somewhere with my kids and not worry about calling to check in all the time, my XH being mad because I was late, didn't bring him food, or whatever else he could find to be mad about.

-Only have to worry about myself and my two kids. Don't have an adult slob (XH) to clean up after anymore. I don't have to pick up his wet towels, clean his dirty underwear, wash his dirty dishes, etc.

-Have grown a lot closer to my DC. We laugh, we smile, we play, we are carefree...our home is now a happy and cheerful place instead of a tense and chaotic one.

-I am starting to focus on myself more than I did when I was married. I have dreams and goals and plans for the future.

-I love not having the constant disappointment and anger of XH refusing to go anywere with us, spend time with the kids, help around the house etc. It feels like a huge burden has been lifted not having to deal with that. I know I am the one that has to do things now and it is nice just depending on myself and no one else.

-I can have crushes again. I feel youthful and like a teenager again. I am not ready to date yet but I look forward to the day when I am ready and now feel like I will hold out for someone that is wonderful.

-I love having every room in my house be girly. I am all about pink!

-I love that when my kids are not with me I can have complete silence (if I want to) and can relax, sleep, read, clean, do homework, watch tv, go on MDC etc without having XH complain, yell, start fights, make messes etc.

-the pride I feel in that the fullness of my life and my DCs lives are my doing. Our lives are now happy, healthy, and loving. We have a totally different life than when I was with XH.

-In the car and in my house I can listen to the kind of music that I want!!! And I can dance with my kids without XH grumping about us being hyper and loud or yelling at us to be quiet.

-I LOVE my garden, my craft projects, my books, my journals etc. It is all mine and no one complains about it, or puts my interests down.

-I love the growing confidence, inner peace, happiness, etc that I feel and that my kids feel. It is priceless and everyday looking at my kids laughing and smiling and loving life reminds me that I did the right thing in leaving my XH.

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#385 of 482 Old 08-04-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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bump. this is for you Devaya.

happy read

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#386 of 482 Old 08-04-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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Oh my God... can I tell you ladies how much I need this thread right now!?!? I'm not even technically a single mom, yet, and I'm terrified about it, but I'm also getting excited!

Here's my favourites so far since we've been separated:
  • Not being pestered about oral sex (or lack thereof) TMI, I know!
  • I'm not resentful AT ALL about having to do all the housework, picking up after, laundry, etc., for just the two kids that actually CAME OUT of me (instead of the one that came out of my MIL) ;P


Here's what I'm MOST looking forward to:
  • Decorating however I want for Christmas without Scrooge making fun and being miserable!
  • Not feeling like I have to shower/shave if I don't want to or have time!
  • Having my OWN money again, not feeling like I'm spending "his"
  • Getting ALL the kisses, hugs, and "I love you's" from my babies
  • Finally being able to tell my STBX just exactly what I think without worry of repurcussions
  • Dancing, singing and being goofy with my kids because we're all so happy!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this thread!!!

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#387 of 482 Old 08-05-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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This is so great!

I can do things the way I want.
I can raise my kids the way I want.
I can decorate the way I want.
I can have a boyfriend.
I can define me.
I am the boss of me.
More freedom.

They sound selfish but being a solo mom can be so hard that you use what you can use, right?
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#388 of 482 Old 08-07-2010, 11:00 AM
 
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Hi ladies, I am new here, I'm Cassie from Australia.

Anyway I saw this and know that I want to be a single mum. I am in a relationship now and do care about my fiance and love him but things have been rocking for years. I try so hard to make it work but I often feel like giving up. I often picture what it'd be like as a single mother and when I think about it I know me and the kids would be happy. I just need some motivation or something to make the final decision so reading this thread (have not read all of it yet) is helping alot. I envy you all actually.

I guess for me the best thing about being a single mother would be:

1. Not feeling guilty about spending money on myself or kids or anything
2. Not feeling guilty about not being in the mood for sex
3. Not getting angry/resentful if I'm the only one doing housework (well I have a few kids that can help, but my 31 year old partner has to be told what to do like a 5 year old so...)
4. My 3 year old is having some sleep issues and comes into our bed every night so if I was single I wouldn't feel bad about it, she can come into my bed (same with my other 2 kids if they want) and they won't be yelled at or whatever
5. I can cook what I want
6. Watch what I want on tv, no more sport (well, maybe just a little) but not on aaaaallll day long on weekends with the tv up so loud (seriously is that just a male thing or what?)
7 No more violent video games or video games in general, though I might think about some educational ones for the kids at some stage
8. No more being made to feel guilty because I'd rather stay up late and go on the internet (which I'm doing now) instead of snuggling in bed together because I am too angry to do that.
9. I can raise/discipline the kids how I want
10. No more arguments about discipline etc while he yells at the kids all the time and I try very hard not to
11. No more giving in to materialism. I don't NEED a big screen tv. A medium or even a small one is just fine and if I don't want it on all weekend/day then it doesn't have to be
12. I don't have to feel sad when I see the kids' hurt faces when they ask 'why isn't daddy sitting with us' when we eat dinner at the table, but he'd rather sit in front of the tv watching sport even though he's either been at work all day and not seen us all day OR been watching the tv all day anyway.


*sigh* I wish I was single.

There are probably other things but I am tired, it's 11pm here. I will be back to post more.
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#389 of 482 Old 08-08-2010, 11:27 AM
 
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Reasons I love being a single mom:

Not living a lie.

Being able to go out on dates! (I have one today lol)

Having more room in my bed.

First-time mama due on Dec 3rd 2009!
Update: Baby girl born Nov 19th!
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#390 of 482 Old 09-06-2010, 02:36 AM
 
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It seems like you all are celebrating being single!!!!

I need to take a different approach (cause I promised myself I would not let him get the best of me anymmore!) So this is all about my girl...

I love that she gets to sleep in my bed, cause man she is funny first thing in the morning!
I love that I am so in tune with her I know when she is sick, sad, comfortable, uncomfortable, happy, mad, just being a brat...
I love that when visiting out of state family HIS parents said (and I quote!) "YOU are doing such a great job raising her."
I love that she mine, all mine!
I love that at 3 1/2 she already knows that I am there for her in every way. That might mean I get the worst of her sometimes, or that she might tell her dad that she doesn't like me, because she knows that I will always be there. I never go away!!! LOL
I love that she is so secure in my commitment to her that she explores the world freely, openly and with much enthusiasm.
I love that I am closer to her now that I am parenting her alone than it was before.

This was fun and much needed after a tough day with my girl!

Mama of 1!
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