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Old 11-30-2004, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my husband and i are separating. everything is going to change. i have to go back to work asap. i dont know how i'm going to deal. already ds is always asking 'where is my dad, mama'. things have been just terrible around here for a long time. always fighting, always tension. i'm embarrased to have people over to the house because i never know when he's going to start in on me. i dont have any real friends because i'm afraid to let other people get close enough that they could see how i live... the constant belittling and the neverending verbal and emotional attacks on me. i finally decided that if it's not good enough for other people to witness that it cant possible be good enough for my son and i to have to endure. even if it means a big change and upheavel in our lives right now, it will be so worthwhile not to have to live in constant negativity. but i dont know how to get thru this all by myself. i've distanced myself from my family as well, and they're all a little looney so i know i cant count on them for any kind of support either. i feel like i've failed my son and myself. i feel like i should have been able to make everything work. this sucks.

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Old 11-30-2004, 05:57 PM
 
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Oh mama! Please know you didn't fail yourself or your son, but instead you are learning to be true to yourself and stand up for what is right for both of you.

We are all here for you.
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:21 PM
 
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I second that. I think that it is such an important point when you said ... "the constant belittling and the neverending verbal and emotional attacks on me. i finally decided that if it's not good enough for other people to witness that it cant possible be good enough for my son and i to have to endure"
yes, this will be a hard thing but it sounds like you are doing this to make life better for you and your child.

mom to four lively children. birth and postpartum doula. midwifery student. choosing to enjoy life. :
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:28 PM
 
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s

You are in the worst part of this right now. Making the choice to leave and actually doing it is by far the hardest part. I know it does not seem like it, but day by day it will get easier. Time is the biggest healer.

In the meantime, take comfort in the fact that you DO NOT deserve to be treated like that, and your son deserves better as well. Good for you for doing what it takes to better your situation!

Vent to us anytime, we've all been there and it helps to talk about it more than anything.

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Old 11-30-2004, 06:36 PM
 
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He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.  ~Albert Einstein
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Old 11-30-2004, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all of your support mama's.

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Old 11-30-2004, 08:37 PM
 
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You are definitely not alone. We are a tight, supportive on line group here so feel free to vent, ask questions & use us for support anytime.

I agree that you are in the most difficult part right now. It really does get easier. You and your son will both be so much better off without that constant negative force in your life.

You have not let your son down. Please know that many of us feel like we've failed in some way.....but the reality is that by leaving you are actually doing your son and future generations a service by getting into a healthier space. I know I have felt guilt over my marriage ending, but it doesn't serve any purpose and I was only one part of that happening.

Hang in there & find support where you can. You may be surprised at how many people will be willing to help if you open your heart up to it. If you really can't find support, find a good counselor or a group for singles. You may be surprised at how much better you feel if you are able to share your feelings & get things out!

Take care of yourself & your little one.
Things will get easier.
~ L.J.
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Old 11-30-2004, 09:32 PM
 
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Moss... this is a hard time...especially around the holidays. Be good to yourself. Do the things you need to do to take care of you, so that you may take care of your son.
I love L.J.'s quote in her signature "Move forward with courage". This is what all of us are doing...every day. It takes courage to leave and create a new life. A life that reflects our values and our vision. I agree it gets easier...eventually...day by day.
Take care mamas...

Amanda
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Old 12-01-2004, 02:20 AM
 
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I send you love and peace. The only failure in all of this would be to stay. I just recently seperated from my husband of ten years. I have two young boys and while it is hard sometimes it is absolutely worth it. I wish you all the best.
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Old 12-01-2004, 12:32 PM
 
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s to you mama..trust in your instincts..thats what makes you a good mama.. this will not be an easy journey but it is the most fulfilled you will feel in a long time.. I was starting to have serious self esteem issues..but now I think I am an awesome super mom...and you will too .. your are doing the best thing for you and your child trust us.. it will eventually work out and life will be good again.. time does heal all wounds... feel free to lean on us as much as you want we have all been there done that..and this is a great bunch of mamas..I don't think I could have managed without their help.. also a valuable resource for single mama assistance... good luck.
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Old 12-02-2004, 08:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with such hard times. It sounds like you are REALLY doing the right thing though. I admire your strength Mama. Good luck in all that you do.

If you ever want to talk just drop me a PM. I just went through this myself.
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Old 12-02-2004, 10:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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everything seems to be going okay so far. i'm finding out about some community resources that should be helpful for us (me and ds). i'm starting to be able to breathe again. i'm trying to do everything right for my son so that he's not scarred for life by this.

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Old 12-02-2004, 11:49 PM
 
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(hugs to you, mama)

this is the hardest part...it gets easier.
you didnt fail your son. he will be okay, he will adjust.
just keep remembering it will be okay. things will get better.
be gentle with yourself and keep us updated on how you're doing.
-K
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Old 12-04-2004, 12:53 AM
 
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You are doing the right thing. No one deserves to be treated like that and it's so much better for your son to not see it anymore. Any big change can be incredibly difficult and painful, even when it's the right thing to do. It may leave some scars but a scar just means a wound has healed.

It is better for your son to not continually see the most important man in his life emotionally abuse the most important woman. He will be a much better man for it himself when he grows up.
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Old 12-04-2004, 03:05 PM
 
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Hang in there mama, it gets easier. You're not scarring your son for life you are making a positive decision that will benefit both of you in the long run. What your son needs most is a mama who is happy with her life. If you ever need to talk feel free to lean on me. I'm recently seperated too. We've all been there and we all know how you're feeling. big 's to you.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 12-04-2004, 03:49 PM
 
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s I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are right though, you and your son should not have to go through this. It's horrible how he treats you. You will make it, and soon you will be happier. In the long run it will be better for both you and your son. You both deserve better. Hang in there. s
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Old 11-18-2013, 07:07 AM
 
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Hello Mamas,

 

I am preparing to separate from my husband.  To make a long story short, I have discovered that he has an addiction, and he is not addressing it at this point. . Our 7-year-old son is feeling the tension between us.  I feel at a loss as to what to tell him... especially when we separate.  I want to be truthful, but I am concerned that telling him there is no place for lack of trust in a family's home (my husband is addicted to lying) would be inappropriate.  Our son is extremely sensitive and bright and will ask lots of questions.  I am trying to prepare myself and feel at a loss.  

 

Thank you for your input...

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Old 11-19-2013, 06:47 AM
 
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I've been dealing with this for years. I was married for 16 years it took over 3 of those to divorce it was really hard on me and my 3 children the oldest at the time was 8, 7, and 5. They knew we were fighting they were asking about bruises and the yelling so I left. The best thing I could've done I put them and me first. Good luck we are here for support and answers.
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Old 11-19-2013, 01:48 PM
 
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Thanks for posting this. I came to Mothering.com often when I was pregnant and in my son's first years of life and I return now as I face a difficult separation, with my son being four. I've started a new user name, as I want to stay sort of anonymous. It is so helpful to read the responses here, the affirmations that we must do what is right for us and our children, even if it is hard. I have tried so very hard to make it work, but my husband does not treat me with kindness, and when I try to express how I feel or what I need, he belittles me and yells at me and insults me. He refuses to talk about problems, to take professional responsibility, or household responsibility. We have been married for ten years, and it has always been so hard. I've tried so many things and I'm exhausted and tired and feel alone. The hardest thing for me is that he tells me that it will harm our son - that I am causing it and I should stay for my son's sake. I know in my heart that it isn't my fault, but since I am the one insisting on a separation and probably eventually divorce, it still makes me feel awful. He refuses to move out, so I think I am going to have to file papers sooner than I would like to force the issue. He cannot stay in the house because his income cannot cover the house payments. And plus, I don't want to move out of the house. I think it would be even more destabilizing for my son. Anyway, just a note of thanks and hope that I've found a community of support. I am deeply appreciative of all the comments I've already read and send good wishes to all of those who are struggling similarly. We deserve to be treated with care and kindness, and to have fair relationships of give and take. I write it to affirm it to you all, and also to me. Sigh. Life is so very hard sometime.

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Old 11-21-2013, 07:12 PM
 
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Thank you for your reply... I'm searching for how to communicate about this with our son... I look forward to supporting one another through tough transitions such as this one.  Yes, I agree we deserve to be treated with care and kindness... thank you for writing about that.  In my case, the disrespect and betrayal and unkindness are not very plain to see... certainly not from my son's vantage point.  The deception is everywhere.   I am left to find a way to communicate about our separation without vilifying my son's father to my son.  He will ask so many questions, and I do not feel prepared to answer them.  

 

And Seekingpeace1, I wish you peace as you navigate your own transition... I hope to be of support to you.  

 

Thank you

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Old 12-12-2013, 08:32 PM
 
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Hi Loving. Did you find a way to talk to your son? I would welcome any feedback about how you have done it. I've read so much about the best way to do things, but it just doesn't seem like there are good answers.

 

We are still living together but someone is going to have to move out soon and I don't know whether to tell my son without checking with my husband, or to give our son time to process, or wait until the last minute.... My husband won't cooperate and we can't discuss it because he will just insult and belittle me, blaming it all on me. I want to respect the fact that my husband has been a good father to our son, even though he has been a horrible parter to me, and minimize the harm and instability for our son. So hard to know.

 

Hope things are going better for you. This is of course especially hard during the holidays.

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