how to leave your partner? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 12-16-2001, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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HI MOms ,im not a single mom but think im heading there,ive been trying to make my relationship work for 6 years now and im tired of it,im tired of the critical putdowns from him...im noticing my son is sounding just like him and is acting negative toward other woman..........there are many reasons i dont have that much confidence in rasing him single ,i was just wondering if any of you had advice on making it in your own............Ive kept trying to make things work because ive loved being home with my son,ive wanted to homeschool himand all.Does anyone here able to raise there children single and work from home or bring their children with them?how have you all managed gaining independance when for example,your credit is shot and you really on your partners insurance?What makes me think though that hell be any easier though if i leave him......hes already told me if i ever tried to leave him hed take my son away from me.what do you tell the kids?Any recomended booksor anything?Ifeel discouraged .........i apologize if this isnt the right thread for me to ask these questions.best wishes Mamas!
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#2 of 10 Old 12-23-2001, 11:31 AM
 
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I just need to give you a (((HUG))) and let you know that his threats are words, and only words.

I always say to myself, when I am convinced something bad will hapen," DO I KNOW THAT ITS TRUE?" I could never possibly know what is coming next. By assuming that I know, I am taking away the power of choice, my power of choice.

Sometimes we just have to trust ourselves, and not buy into what (he) others say will happen.

Trust your strength. Ask the right people for help.

Randee

proverbs 29:7 the righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.

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#3 of 10 Old 12-23-2001, 04:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OH THANK YOU......I FEEL SO HAPPY YOU SAID THAT!I will remember this.Also,yes i will ask the RIGHT people for help!Best wishes to you,happy sunday!
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#4 of 10 Old 12-24-2001, 01:28 AM
 
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Are you in any mom's groups? Any AP groups? Ask around your mom's network, locally. I just found out that a mom in my area is a lawyer, and am getting help from her about a problem I'm running into. I would recommend legal advice first, since your husband is threatening you.
Perhaps you have family, or know another single momma that you can room with when you decide to leave him? That can soften the shock, make life on your own a little bit easier.
As far as making it on your own, well, a roommate will help. Perhaps another momma who's parenting style you like, so you can exchange babysitting times. Or you can be a live-in nanny, and taking care of your child at the same time.
I'm attending a workshop to be certified as a childbirth instructor in the spring, which will take a bit of money but once it's through the classes are about 3 hours each which is better than working 9-5.
If you don't have any debts (credit or car payments, or student loans) it's much easier. I have all that and more.
You can definitely do it. You are not alone, and don't be afraid to ask for help!!! ((((Hugs)))) from me, too!
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#5 of 10 Old 12-28-2001, 04:34 PM
 
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One thing I have realized about being a single mom is that even though I still love my baby's daddy, perhaps especially because he's her daddy, that feeling cannot dictate what my family looks like. My advice is read outside motherhood; delve into feminism. Read the 1963 classic The Feminine Mystique by betty friedan. Read Lee Maracle. bell hooks, etc... Sometimes when we are so dedicated to our kids, to motherhood, we sometimes confuse loving our kids with our families and our families with our abusive partners. Just because you love someone (or loved someone) doesn't mean that that love is healthy, or that it is the best path for you and your kids. Not many sources realize this, and we all want to be loved, even if it's only sometimes. But it should be all the time, and respected too. Whatever you do, blessings. It is not the easier path.
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#6 of 10 Old 01-05-2002, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your wonderfull replys!Reaching out to like minded moms is something i need to do!that is going t oget me connexted!Feminemystique?I have that book actually.
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#7 of 10 Old 01-07-2002, 01:59 AM
 
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I too would highly recommend speaking with an attorney first. Many will give some initial advice for free when you call them. Someone also gave this advice to me and it helped so much!! Then when he does make his threats you will know what your rights are and avoid so much unnecessary stress! It's also a good idea to file for custody right away. It looks better if you do it first, not to mention when he sees how serious you are he will probably back off somewhat. Usually people that make threats are very scared of the courts and other authorities.

I have recently been through this and noticed right away how much extra energy I had because it wasn't being used on him anymore.

Lots of ((Hugs)) from me too!!
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#8 of 10 Old 01-08-2002, 11:55 PM
 
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It's very hard to tell yourself if your partner is being abusive when coming from an "abusive" home.We want better for our family. It's very foggy trying to find the way out. You wander if its better to stay inside but in your children's brilliance you see that life is meant to be much more than shinnig moments among confusion. It can be grounded thought based on your own feelings. Your emotions speak to you lighting the way. Trust yourself. Heal those wounds so we can begin to thrive again.
For me having a parenting partener means sorting things out with fair words and true feelings forcing yourself to communicate as clearly as possible


while trying as much as possible not to hurt the other person.
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#9 of 10 Old 01-11-2002, 05:35 PM
 
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I recently left my partner. We tried for a while to make it work then she moved out and we tried still to pull it back together. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids alone (currently 3 boys under the age of 5). I was afraid I wouldn't have enough money, etc.

What I found is that I feel TONS better now that I'm single. I have way more time and energy to give to my kids instead of a sinking relationship. The money situation is hard because most single moms have to work a lot. I am lucky to have a business that I can bring my kids to and work from home. Plus my kids are foster kids so I don't have to pay out extra for day care.

Because of the recession my money situation is not great. I'm just surviving. I feel better, though, than when in my relationship. For one thing, I don't need babysitters so often because I don't need a break from the kids. Insurance is expensive, but you may be able to get something from the state for awhile if you have a really low income. Plus if you're straight and legally married then I think that your ex is allowed and often required to carry you on his insurance.

I love being a single parent and am totally able to parent my 3 boys alone. I am waiting for another baby too and have no doubt that I will be able to do that.

I have many friends with small children. I network with everyone from the parents I meet at the library's story hour to the other mom's at my son's headstart. If you have other families to go an do things with it's easier.
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#10 of 10 Old 03-10-2002, 10:12 PM
 
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Yay! Yay! Yay! To all you positive, powerful mothers who's quotes I just read. I left my husband six months ago (on our first anniversary , with a 3 1/2 mos. old son). I come from a strong and loving Christian family, and made a bad choice in marrying a person who likes his beer more than his family. But I digress....

I went through utter and complete hell for the first 3-4 mos. after leaving. My husband also threatened me with taking my son, taking me to court, blah blah blah. And I believed him and was very scared and nervous about the future. But then I took control of my "what if" frightfulness (although it's been my lifelong friend!) and started learning about what my rights are legally. More than that, I started having faith about my moral rights to my son. I am his mother and I love him with everything I am. I don't have to be scared.

I am over 30, college educated, and freelancing right now...pretty broke but very blessed with a roof and family and friends who love us both. When I get scared, my faith becomes stronger. Being a mother to my son has given me more courage, strength, and stamina than anything I've done in my life. When faced with fear or tough decisions, I decide based on what will my son be proud of me for?

After walking through the fires of hell the past few months (i won't lie!)....I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been.

By the way, go to hipmama.com and read "Exploding the Daddy Myth". Don't fight the power....be the power!
Love

Rebecca, single mama to intact Junebug 6/01, Daughter of the King!
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