moving far away from dad - whats your experience?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 12-18-2001, 02:55 AM - Thread Starter
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getting divorced and planning to move back to area where i grew up (mass) from ohio. stbxh is here in ohio. he says i am moving for my own needs and am ignoring the children's needs and their ability to see him. currently they see him e/o weekend, and will spend about a week at christmas with him. i am planning to leave in January and he does not know and i am starting to wonder what the hell might happen and does anyone have any expereince with this type of situation --moving far away from dad - how did the kids do, did they adjust ok?? mine are 5.5 and 3.5 and are pretty open about their feelings. just got confused and would love to hear from anyone
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#2 of 6 Old 12-21-2001, 10:39 PM
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I feel that you do need to stay near their dad. I think planning to leave without informing him is disrespectful of his role as a parent and neglectful of your childrens needs. You may not want to be anywhere near him, however your children need a relationship with their father. A real relationship is not possible across long distances. A real relationship includes stability and consistent frequent contact.

As a parent who has an absent other parent IT WILL negatively affect your children. If you are set on doing it you are asking a lot from your kids, which, IMO they should not have to go through. They need BOTH parents reasonably accessible.

If you are currently in the middle of a divorce , it may be illegal for you to take the kids out of state at this time. After your divorce is final, you may end up in court to deal with this matter. I don't know the laws in Ohio, but some places you are required to give the other parent 60 day written notice of your intent to leave the state with the kids. He can petition to have the children remain in state and may result in a change of custody.

edited to add: ALSO, by moving you ARE hampering his ability to see, parent, bond , take care of his children (whether you feel that he does these or not) and the judge will take this into consideration if he brings it to the attention of the court.

A covert move where you sneak off or tell him at the last minute would most likely be looked upon very poorly by the court. you are also compromising your integrity.
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#3 of 6 Old 12-21-2001, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
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thanks for your reply pear.
i never thought of it that way. i feel like i am in a very strange place (i guess i am), and not just physically. the only reason i am in this state is because of my husband. i have one good friend here. all of my family is in the east.
he expected me to move there when he left. actually i was there and he expected me to stay. he knows i am planning to move in the summer, i just dont think i can last that long.
there is nothing legally preventing me from leaving and i am not required to give him notice.
i never thought of the things you said. why must this be so complicated. now i just dont know what to do. i certainly dont want my kids to be any more f'd up because of this situation, or because i do something horrible like prevent them from seeing dad.
just what i was hoping for, another big ole can of worms
thanks for your honesty pear. i've got some thinkin to do now.
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#4 of 6 Old 12-28-2001, 04:55 PM
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We women are so considerate. We owe dads nothing, and yet we sacrifice our aspirations so they can pander around with the kids every other weekend.
Weigh your sacrifices carefully. Of course your kids will want to see their dad. Maybe whether they do or not is up to him. You are their primary caregiver, and so if the inclination took him, he'd be free to move anytime he wanted and anywhere and no judge could stop him. Ask yourself why you are moving. It doesn't sound like it is to be sounds to me like you might be going back to someplace you left because at the time you were making sacrifices for a relationship with him. Talk to him about it, tho.
Being sneaky about it is no good. Of course we all strive to co-parent healthily, and that would be great if we got to co-parent with strangers instead of our exes. You asked about what happened to those of us who left; well, I'm so glad I did, and for me and my baby its been the best thing. I didn't leave to punish him, but to give myself the possibility of solace and happiness. Distance has been good for us. But as she grows, if he stays where he is instead of moving to us, I know she'll idealize daddy, feel sorry for him, think I'm mean, never ever fight with him (you have to be close to do that) and want to move in with him one day. So weigh it all carefully.
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#5 of 6 Old 01-07-2002, 06:59 PM
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I am also planning on moving away from my ex. I am only going 6 hours away, but I still feel incredible guilt. I've gotten to the point where I don't feel responsible about the ex though, only for my son. I do believe the dad's relationship with the child is the dad's responsiblity.

I just keep remembering during the initial split between my ex and I, he was considering moving out of state or anywhere he had to in order to find a job. And so why have I sacraficed financial security to keep his son near him? I mean, I really live paycheck to paycheck and cannot even save ten dollars a month towards anything!

So my reasons are mostly financial and long-term oriented. But I am moving with my new love and he is going to be the stable male figure. But he is not the "dad". And I do realize this will make it much more difficult for the relationship between father and son to grow.

I guess the point is to definately weight the consequences with the benefits. Each situation is different and so it might be better for you to move. A close support network is vital to raising a child. And maybe you could find ways to help the relationship continue. I am planning on driving my son to visit his father once every month or so. And his dad will attempt to fly down for visits once a month as well. I try to make my son feel loved and free to express his emotions. I tell him both myself and his father love him and I let him call him whenever he asks.

Yeah, it is not ideal, nor the way I ever thought I'd raise a child, but it is the best solution for us.
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#6 of 6 Old 01-31-2002, 05:36 PM
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i agree. i think that you have to do what is best all around for you because you are the one responsible for your child, and if you are not happy and taking care of your needs, you will not be as good a parent. i was raised by my mom with minimal contact with my loser dad and i think i turned out fine. dr. phil says the research shows that kids do immeasurably better with one happy, fulfilled parent than in a marriage just staying together for the kids, and i assume that goes for staying in some place you don't want to be for the kids, too. and just because someone is the biological father doesn't mean that they are a "real" father and a good father. i would follow your heart and think about what is best for you and your child, because he is depending on you to be the best you can be for him. we all make mistakes. you just have to do the best you can with your situation. i think you need support and connection with other people right now and maybe your family will be able to give you that.
you do need to play your cards right and time things right to get the most cooperation out of the dad.

Momma to 3 darling boys, the apples of my eye, and married to the love of my life.
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