Moving Far From Everyone..freaking Out! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 12-30-2001, 01:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I TYPED THIS UP AT ANOTHER BOARD I FREQUENT, SO i JUST PASTED IT HERE SINCE IT'S SOOO LONG AND I'M PRESSED FOR TIME. sorry about typos and stuff i'm in a rush as babe's asleep..for now! ::
Okay, I know I never ever have time to post here anymore, but i need some mama support and advice. i'm so conflicted! i decided a few months ago (and until now have been excited and confident about it )to relocate 9 hrs north of where i live now with ds (16 mos). I will be leaving almost all of my friends and family behind except a very close friend of mine who is dating ds's uncle (from ex's side) . They will help me out a lot, when i get there. I am okay with accepting the struggle and transitions of having a lot less help around because this will be the price i Pay for peace from my helpful yet overbearing family. the one thing that is freaking me out is that we will be leaving ds's dad behind. He says he will move there eventually "because he has no choice" since he "has to be near his son". Which is wonderful...sort of. His life is heere and he doesn't want to leave. He will have to relocate his entire band to the area, which while it has its benefits, overall isn't the best place for them musically. Financially this move is awful for him, he has lived at home since we've seperated (8 mos ago) and pays me 1/3 of his monthly income by CHOICE. 9He wants me to stay home with ds too! i am lucky! (though he has admitted this is the only comntrol over me he has now ! UGH)blah blah blah the move sucks for him IN EVERY WAY and he will have to wait for 2-4 months AFTER i go to relocate there for financial slacker reasons. i have to go...i can't survive here anymore. i've had to move back into my folks' house until i move..for a grand total of 3 months which i am barely surviving. i plan to leave in a month. this will be the first long distance move form my hometown. I feel that my happiness is very crucial to ds's. and i CAN"T be happy here right now, i've tried. I told ds's dad to pick a city and i'd go, that we could compromise and work together, but he didn't. so here we are. I'm 1/2 packed and freaking out about what this move will do to ds. what if he doesn't move at all? what if moves and is more miserable there and resents both ds and me forever for ruininng his "career" if his band isn't successful/he is miserable for ohter reasons? What if all these things don't matter really? what if i'm right in my decision to seek peace and healing for myself with ds in mind? what if this is just rationalizing my selfishness at every one's expense?what if ds would rather be surrounded by his loving suffocating family as is , even if dysfunctional? what if 2-4 months is too long for a baby to be away from someone who sees him almost everyday, even if only for an hour or so? he won't be able to visit often right away cuz he'll be trying to $ave (yeah right!)and has a motorcycle instead of a responsible car with a carseat (HE JUST BOUGHT THIS BIKE!!!! AND HAS PAYMENTS!!!!!! that's a whole other post though...).what if i know this is the wrong decision and do it anyway? what if i know htis is the right decision and don't go? what if even if i knew it was wrong but also knew there was no other option right now? what will this do to my baby's life?what if there are too many what if's?
Sorry if this is irritating anyone! I have to "pick a date" to leave, and need to really feel this is right. I was so confident till now...am i on the threshold and being rational by questioning it one last time before taking the leap? or am i realizing this may be a mistake?I could type for hours, there's so much involved..but i'll save you ..for now anyways!
Alicia
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#2 of 10 Old 01-03-2002, 06:31 PM
 
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My first thought when reading your post was "Just Do It!" You sound as though you need to get behind your own decision and just do it, dammit! Of course, I can say this to you because I will be moving away from the most of my support system this May. As I hemmed and hawed about the move and starting over in a new place where I have just 1 friend, with two kids, and too much stuff... I realized it just needs to happen, for my happiness and the happiness of my family -- me and the kids (dh died a year ago), and our sanity (or at least a chance of gaining some). So, I've begun to speak, clearly, confidently, and positvely, about the move; I even fool myself with my bravado, but I'm determined to make this right and I say you can too! Good Luck!

~diana google me: hahamommy. Unschooling Supermama to Hayden :Super Cool Girlfriend to Scotty . Former wife to Mitch & former mama to Hannahbear
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#3 of 10 Old 01-19-2002, 07:32 PM
 
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It's been almost three months since I've gone through a similar dilemma. Though my family is not at all overbearing they are living a lifestyle I doubt wanting to have my son immersed in. I want him to know them and I see they have much to offer him. However I do feel more confident in following my goals and creating the life i want. I very much undertsand the selfish complex, wondering often if it is a selfish complex. I find that if you live far from family it doesn't mean xing them out of your life. You will find more support and love and friendships in the life you choose.
You ds'd seems to spend time like my ds'd does. It is difficult. It is however not necessary to put your aspirations aside for fear of ruining his future. He is ultimately in charge of his own future. There are indeed many things
I've had to put aside because of the life I choose to have with our son.
Because I feel I'm not getting any justice or input enough in the department of co-parenting i feel it is my right as bearer of responseability to make the decisions directly related to those things I am responsible for.
The selfish complex and others can be of benefit in order to be as objective as possible...It makes me wonder am responsible for his not beeing responsible? I don't think so now.
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#4 of 10 Old 01-19-2002, 07:36 PM
 
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Ds'dad wants to take him to see his family without me for three days. I'm refusing. not because I'm selfish but because they're too many risks involved. He has no relationship with them though they live very close 20km (20min.). Last time he was with dad alone for more than 3hours 5heuy came back he was heavily intoxicated...etc..etc We must take these things into account trust yourself your instincts...
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#5 of 10 Old 01-30-2002, 06:55 PM
 
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And now for the other side......


Hello everyone, new user here and Violeta8's Ex. First and foremost, I've supported Violeta8 through every desicion she has made from conception-pregnancy-birth-present (except for the move). Am I wrong for wanting another career besides salt-mining for slave wages where I'm at? Yeah, so I'm a songwriter, too. Can that not be a valid career? And the motorcycle thing? Come on......., owning a motorcycle is cheaper than a car by far, I would have still had to finance if it was a car, and I have access to a spare vehicle that is very safe and efficient whenever I need it. And try three to five hours almost everyday, even when she was living 45 minutes away. I am by no means saying that I deserve a medal, just a little respect for my attempts to co-parent equally. I work 40 hours a week (and I assure you that I know that being a mother is a full-time job and that it can be very difficult, but at least you love the person or people that you're working with), I'm trying to advance myself in my chosen field and trying to be the best father possible. Isn't that what everybody does? I just don't appreciate being made out to be some slacker that isn't trying to a) compromise and co-parent and b) doesn't have any intention of doing and being the best for his ds.

I've offered more to stay including more money, help with an apartment, and to move back in together here.

I still contend that moving away 9 hrs from your ds's father and supportive (yet sometimes unbearable) family is the wrong decision.

Thanks for listening.
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#6 of 10 Old 02-17-2002, 10:05 PM
 
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hahamommy you're right on! enjoy!
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#7 of 10 Old 02-18-2002, 02:02 AM
 
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Eliot's mom and Eliots dad I definately see it as a major decision. What is "right" for the child? What is righ for the parents? what feels right to one does not to another. ds's father came to counseling meeting for 30 mins. shared,was honest,things moved forward well.Id like to go to another. I'm feeling cramped and crowded by his sudden commitment of involvement. I see the best way for me to make decisions is to look at how(what) I would like Teagan and myself to learn from this situation. At times I am deeply afraid that "I' m giving up on Teagan's dad and not allowing him to fit his way into our lives. In terms I am because I'm learning to not allow some behavior. Teagan's dad has come by three mornings in a row stayed till nap time. he's made us ameal and helped with two others. he's been reasonably respwectful of my plans and asked what he could do to help.WOW I guess I do need to make another counseling appointement.
We each choose what what we want to commit our selves to. It's more obvious that I choose to be full-time mom. By traveling I am committing myself to other things like learning from other cultures exploring true community, and the passions I yearn for myself and for Teagan. Now we are a Unit. Where does Dad fit in?
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#8 of 10 Old 02-18-2002, 04:31 PM
 
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Sometimes I think it's more difficult being married and having kids then single parenting! Everything changes and no ones prepared you for the relationship part. Men experience it from a completely different perspective and it must make you feel frustrated sometimes that your thoughts and choices now appear selfish. I don't know how you meet each other half way. Maybe this is about prioritising and accepting that you can still achieve your dreams but you have to go about it in a different way. Just a thought.
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#9 of 10 Old 02-20-2002, 01:54 AM
 
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peace and right on ceinwin
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#10 of 10 Old 02-23-2002, 03:17 AM
 
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Hey girl!

It sounds to me like you are making a WISE choice, so long as you are keeping Ds's benefit in mind. By the sound of your post, I wonder how responsible to REALLY being a dad Ds's dad is? Take it from someone who KNOWS: dysfunctional families are not good for anyone--I come from one myself. Find your peace, do what's right for Ds AND you. If Dad really loves you both, he'll follow. Let us know what happens! We'll be praying for you!

p.s. I moved away from my support system twice--I know how scary that is! But take heart--contact some Mom groups, (do you breastfeed? Try La Leche League--they have support groups in most areas. Do you want to home school? Try looking for homeschool groups...) at the very least, stay connected to this forum, and look for Moms in your new area you can meet up with. You'll have a new support system, new FRIENDS in no time!
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