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#1 of 22 Old 08-10-2005, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Has anyone else had this experience? My STBX and i have almost been married, living in seperate houses for almost a year and now that he has finally put up his wall, it is like i'm going through detox, I even have to call a friend when i feel like calling him, which is almost 5x a day. I just miss him so much, I know that we aren't right as married people, just great as good friends...he has been my best friend for so many years.

I'm not sure what to do with this pain, It's too much. I wish there was some kind of antidote for it. I go out with friends and when i end up back home, i just feel like calling him. At the risk of sounding whiny, I'll back off for now and hear some responses.

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#2 of 22 Old 08-10-2005, 05:43 PM
 
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I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now.

It is difficult when we are used to talking to someone, used to sharing with someone, etc. to suddenly have them be gone. It is a grieving process, so recognize it as such and work through it whatever way you can.

When my father died, it was very difficult for my mother (they had been together more than 40 years). She found a lot of comfort in a book called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Basically, if you can keep yourself in the moment it cna help you move forward. Don't look back at what was, don't look forward to what could have been, just try to keep yourself in the moment as much as possible and it helps. I know there have been times when I've done this myself and it helps. I have found it's really easy with the kids, because all I have to do is start playing with them to bring myself into the moment.

Big hugs to you. It really does get easier.
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#3 of 22 Old 08-10-2005, 05:45 PM
 
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I think I understand. I have a very complicated friendship with a man who isn't my husband. We love each other dearly as friends, but have opted to put up very strong boundries between the two of us to protect our marriages and in time - our friendship.

Just the knowledge that I can't casually call or email him eats at me right now. It is a very fresh decision, and a good one, that I logically and lovingly chose, but goodness my heart is just not getting it.

I am not sure what to suggest. I am staying busy and trying not to indulge in to many damaging day dreams. It is funny how we can know at every level we are doing the best for ourselves but it can still be so agaonizing.

It does feel so very much like an addiction too.
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#4 of 22 Old 08-11-2005, 01:01 AM
 
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BelovedK,

I totally relate to the difficulty of separating yourself from the person who for so many years has been not just your spouse but also your best friend. I am in the same process. In my case DH does not want to leave but nor does he want to stop seeing his gf. After 8 months of crying, screaming, waiting, hoping, and talking myself hoarse, I went for the separation. He moved out a week and a half ago. I'm angry as heck at him, yet I need him not just to be a parent to our son (he's a good one) but also to continue to be my best friend. But is this possible after what he's done? Am I just denying my anger out of fear?

Sorry to go so much into my own stuff. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in what you are experiencing. I don't know the answer, how to let go. L.J.'s advice to focus on the moment helps.

Many hugs to you.

jojo mama to simon 6/2005
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#5 of 22 Old 08-11-2005, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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AW, thanks for the hugs guys, I keep forgetting the power of staying in the present moment, I think it's how many people handle going off of addictive substances as well as a healthier way to look at life...I'll keep that in mind. It is a comforting thought.

Jojo, I want to hear the experiences of others, so don't feel bad...rather tell us more, it could help you to feel better

I spoke w/ my ex today about the addictive qualities of relationships, how a healthy partnership looks. I'm not sure that *all* intimate relationships aren't steeped in unhealthy attatchment (that's the cynic in me speaking)--forgive that.

He agreed with me that we had been in an unhealthy holding pattern, not seperate yet not together. The sick thing was that i wanted to fantasize about reuniting with him, wanted to tell him that i loved him, to lead him on...i can hardly admit to myself that it really is over. I stayed strong though, at least in that moment. I guess each time i move foreward, by not indulging the unhealthy directions we could take...i get stronger, and more free.

I hate the word *co-dependancy* it is so overused..and i don't think that is what i'm talking about. Maybe it is simply the normal stages of grief (for me, long and drawn out)

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#6 of 22 Old 08-11-2005, 09:37 PM
 
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oh belovedk i am so sorry. your situation was the beginning of my grief. i felt nothing can hurt as much as a person saying he loves u, visits his girlfriend and yet totally ignores u. i can say that was the worst period of my life.

i found i had no one to talk to anymore. no one to get excited with me anymore to the level i had with him. to me it was the loss of a best friend. i couldnt imagine what he was becoming. today i love the person who he was before but hate who he is today esp. as a dad and someone who still cannot forget i asked him to leave and so never talks to me nice.

we had so much history together - laughed and cried together and suddenly it was gone.

but what i have learnt from it is if i ever get involved again that person really be crazy about me and me about him and just us along with children be the priority. that if i cry he doesnt leave the house but try to make it better. and vice versa. i have got a lot of strength from this board. sometimes thru replies to my post, sometimes thru others posts. esp. when u see other moms struggling just like i was.

what i did was eat even more healthy when i could eat when i was going thru the v. worst stage. i got out of the house more and i tried not to dwell either in the past or how i could survive in future.

as all my friends who had gone thru something similar said time will heal. i found that was v. true for me. so hang in there. try not to wallow in ur pain. i know easier said than done. try and find a hobby or just get on line and do a blog or something to divert ur mind.

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#7 of 22 Old 08-11-2005, 09:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks MeeMee, It really does help to talk to others in the same situation. I just went out with a friend and we had a really good time just having dinner and talking...she agreed to be my 'sponsor' whenever i feel like calling my ex, I'll call her instead. I hope that works.
I miss having him around just for simple things like watching movies together and talking & sharing at the end of the day...I feel crazy, and i know i will be when he starts to date someone else. I just need to get over it and live in the moment...what else can i do?????

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#8 of 22 Old 08-11-2005, 11:07 PM
 
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My relationship with my XH was very intense and highly charged. I thought I would never get over the loss of him or the marriage. You know what--I did. It takes time and also separation to get there, though. It will be harder to separate if you remain very involved with one another. That's what finally worked for me, and you know I am finally happy. I moved out and started a new life away from him. I no longer think about him every minute of every day, either. In fact, I don't think about "us" much anymore and I used to feel just like you too. You will get there. Be patient.
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#9 of 22 Old 08-15-2005, 04:50 AM
 
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Hi BelovedK~

Thanks for encouraging me to talk some more. I'm a little screen shy... But here goes.

Your last post got me thinking about my own reactions/behaviors the past week or two, since dh moved out. since he's a teacher and has summers off, he's been watching ds while i work during the day, so we have been in pretty much constant contact even tho he moved out 2 weeks ago. and b/c my work schedule is flexible, it often means conflict, usually over small things, but that get blown out of proportion b/c of the simmering anger i feel (the gf, the lies, the betrayal) and his feeling that i have abandoned him (he never really believed i was serious about asking him to leave until i put it all in writing and even then it took a while for him to grasp it). i guess i hang onto those moments of conflict because they are part of the 'addiction.' To him, to our relationship, even with all that's happened.

In a bizarre way I've been glad to have him around. Not everything is conflict, sometimes we have good talks about politics (we are both passionate radicals), sometimes we spend time with our ds, sometimes we even watch a movie together. In a way it feels like a good way to transition from being together to... being more separate.

things will all change in one week when he goes back to work, and he'll only be over two evenings and every other weekend (at least that's the agreement). in a way i'm relieved b/c there will be less contact and maybe i can work through the actual separation process more. I'm also scared, though, because it means letting go. And the part of me that still feels so connected to him, so lost when I think about the future without him, just gasps for air when i think about it.

L.J.'s post (not sure if it was this or another thread) mentioning the way in which her relationsihp with her x changed, from greater to lesser involvement over time, made me realize that I could see this as an opportunity to work more gradually through this process. I can only hope. And keep focusing on the moment. And look into my ds smiling eyes and know it will all be okay.

i don't know if this helps you at all, but you were right, i do feel a bit better! thanks for encouraging me to write more. i hope you are doing well also. many hugs to you!

jojo mama to simon
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#10 of 22 Old 08-15-2005, 09:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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jojo, My stbx also watches my DC while i work (part time) so we are also in constant contact, we even do things together as a family, which now i'm beginning to think is a bad idea bc it confuses th DC.
Even on the days that are 'my' days, stbx finds a way to see them, ex/ doing landscape work at my parents house whae we are there, showing up at DDs preschool as i'm picking her up to have lunch with us, going to all of the functions they are involved in (not that that's bad).
When he has them , i constantly work and don't have time to just show up, or even see them (i work alot and hard when i don't have them) The result is that i see them not every day, when he does his best to do that. He could also have the freedom to date : bc his schedule is so flexible, I just work hard to keep us in house and food...it doesn't seem fair.

I'm about to set the boundary that 'my' days are 'my' days and his are 'his' and he should stay away from us on those days. I'm feeling bad about that but its the only way i can think of to make it easier to break my 'addiction' to his company. Right now i'm having the urge to call him to have lunch...Its taking everything i've got, but i won't call. It's so hard, but when evr i have the urge to call him, i'll call a friend or post here, It's a start anyway...good luck to you.

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#11 of 22 Old 08-15-2005, 10:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK
I'm about to set the boundary that 'my' days are 'my' days and his are 'his' and he should stay away from us on those days. I'm feeling bad about that but its the only way i can think of to make it easier to break my 'addiction' to his company. Right now i'm having the urge to call him to have lunch...Its taking everything i've got, but i won't call. It's so hard, but when evr i have the urge to call him, i'll call a friend or post here, It's a start anyway...good luck to you.
It sounds like that's a really good idea. It may be difficult, but you are so wise to see that it's best for you right now. You will all start to settle into the "new" normal and develop new routines.

I used to rely on my ex for everything......now I rely on him for nothing. I felt scared and afraid at first, but then I realized how neighbors were willing to help me with mechanical things, friends were willing to help me with social things, and I found spending more time alone helped me find out who I am and what I want. You are brave & courageous. Good for you for taking the steps you need to help yourself heal.
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#12 of 22 Old 08-15-2005, 06:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks LJ, it always helps to get positive encouragement...It's so hard, Hes over here right now working on the yard (a deal between him & my parents) so another day that he can be present, just his prescence causing me guilt (long story)

Uh oh, gotta run~~~K

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#13 of 22 Old 08-16-2005, 12:27 AM
 
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i agree w/ L.J. that being stricter about your day/his day will help you. if this is what you feel will give you the space to clear your head and figure out what's right for you, i think you should go for it. and maybe you could ask your parents to let you know when stbx is coming over to clean up the yard, and you & DC can go out to the park. just a thought!

i'm only two weeks into the separation thing and am already seeing the pitfalls of his being here so much. in a way it's his way of not really letting go, of not accepting that consequences of his actions. he does his laundry here, eats meals when i cook, watches t.v. w/ me sometimes even. and even as i allow it to happen it doesn't quite feel right. the nights i'm alone, i feel so much more peaceful. so next week can't come soon enough. don't know if he'll try to come over when it's not 'his day' i guess i'll deal w/ that when and if it happens.

it's odd, b/c i thought i wanted us to have 'family' time together even after the separation. i'm interested to hear your experience on that. the other day my dad told me i was nuts for thinking we could still be a family. am i?

i hope things get better for you, BK. stay strong.

jojo mama to simon 6/2005
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#14 of 22 Old 08-16-2005, 09:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Jojo, Its amazing how many of us are having the same experiences. I feel sorta guilty denying the DC access to their father, i just need to keep sanity. The park thing is a good idea... Yesterday, i sent DS to a friends house, but he still saw DD (is this wrong??) In a way it feels wrong, but it's the only way i can think of to maintain boundaries, Thanks for the good thoughts

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#15 of 22 Old 08-16-2005, 03:41 PM
 
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I think that stricter rules to fall back on when you are feeling the need are helpful, and especially having a friend "sponser" to call instead of calling him. I call my best friend and she always puts things into perspective for me. I have no choice but to be totally honest with her, even during those times when I'm less than honest with myself. I wish she didn't live so far away.

"The best things in life aren't things."

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#16 of 22 Old 08-16-2005, 08:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Now things are skewed, STBXs grandmother passed away suddenly today , they were close and she was such a sweet woman..I went w. him to the hospital, am now more in touch with him. I am needed by him right now, i just can't be cruel right now.

I need to find a way to keep the boudaries while still being compassionate to his plight (we are also having trouble w/ our 'bipolar' son)

Life is so stressfull, why can't things just be simple??

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#17 of 22 Old 08-21-2005, 03:05 AM
 
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so sorry you are going through this...

I can only offer that I've been through a similar ordeal. My ex was my very best friend, he was the only one I felt who understood me, and we did everything together. When he decided he didn't love me anymore and that he needed to lvie his life, I was beyond heartbroken. I went through a depression, felt awful, couldn't eat/ sleep, spent tons of time and energy trying to get him to see the mistake he was making. For a long time, I couldn't keep myself from calling him, even if it was to argue. I actually would pick up my phone in secret and spend huge amounts of time talking and crying. I didn't undertsnad why he was leaving me, what I did wrong, how things could be better or be fized. Until at some point, with a lot of self discovery and therapy and tons of support, it turned into anger. I was furious, angry, and hurt. I knew I didnt' deserve what had happened. It then became acceptance, and took me realizing, eventually, that I was so much happier in my situation. Is it harder? Yes! Is it lonely at times? Yes! Would I ever trade it back to have what I had before? Never. Do I love where I'm at now? Absolutely. I learned so much about myself, about my dependencies, on my self esteem and worth, and how I didn't value myself. And although I'm still working on things 2 years later, I have become a much stronger, independent, happier person through a lot of work.

I guess my point in all this blabbering is that I thought it might help to know others have gone through similar situations. It took me months to be okay with things. I tried so hard to push him to see the kids, to stay close friends, so understand and be there. And now we actually do get along and can have a wonderful divorced relationship, but I had to separate myself from my husband, and really put it back to him being my "ex". It's so difficult when there's kids, because you may end up having to have a relationship with your ex for a lifetime. There's even times now when he pushes for us to all be together for lunch or an outing, and I have to say no because it's too much for me, and doesnt feel right. Other times, things are fine. I have to figure out where I draw my line, which is much different than his. There are certain things that I know I shouldn't do, or that in my mind, aren't ok. And then there's others that are fine for me, but others might not understand it. It's just a huge learning experience.

It is great if you can pick up the phone and talk to someone else when you feell like talking to him... I think that would have helped me a lot at the time. Same with him visiting or me coming up with excuses to see him... I've done that too. :P And going out and having a distraction. I stayed home a lot and it really heightened my depression at the time. Moping at home alone was awful.

(I hope that made sense, I'm tired so I can't tell if it does )
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#18 of 22 Old 08-23-2005, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for sharing your experience 3gals, It did make sense (and there were no spelling errors :LOL ) even tough you're tired.

I've backslid in a big way ever since Granny Belle died so suddenly; she was the family matriarch (sp?) and so full of gentle kindness. Ever since her funeral, STBX has been Xtra needy, needing to keep in constant contact with me...complicated by the fact that our *bipolar* 10 yo (long, horrible story) has been having more frequent and violent 'episodes'....He accidentally saw GBs body (I didn't know the cascket was opened before the funeral) I don't know if that contributed to his troubles, but needing to protect his sister , who he threatens to her face and scares her, we have had to be in constant phone contact.

It seems that i need to work up some more anger between us in order to sever the ties I don't want to do that, I wish I just had the nerve to make the break....It seems impossible right now.

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#19 of 22 Old 08-23-2005, 08:31 PM
 
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That is the trouble I am having with my soon to be ex,I am addicted to his looks and his lovemaking,but he has no other redeeming quality to me,he is just so pretty and I have been with him so long now and it's like a addiction that you have go through withdrawel,I have been so sick and can't eat the last few days,I hope that you can learn to deal with this as I will also have to learn to live without him.I always had nightmares for years that he was gone and now it's going to come true.
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#20 of 22 Old 08-23-2005, 09:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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MotherEarthMom, You have my sympathy...the book 'How to break your addiction to a person' has really helped me. I don't remember the author though. Of course we are an entangled mess again.

I really want to have the guts to just talk to him w/out anger being the motivating factor.

Wish me luck, I certianly do--you.

Try out the book, it really has helped me, though i lent it to STBX. (he is receptive)

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#21 of 22 Old 08-24-2005, 09:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK
It seems that i need to work up some more anger between us in order to sever the ties I don't want to do that, I wish I just had the nerve to make the break....It seems impossible right now.
K i am sure u didnt mean it this way but u know u can never sever the ties as long as u have children. u wouldnt want to would u?!! u just want to cut off the psychological dependence and the need for a friend. with time that will happen. just dont give in to ur need right now. perhaps ur ex's indifference might help u there.

u will have the nerve to make the break. u just have to see the grass on the other side can be greener so dont be too hard on urself. give urself a chance to do it on ur own to the best of ur ability. if u need a shoulder to cry on - write a journal or a blog or call ur friend.

the anger between us has been hard for us. we have been separated 18 months and the anger still remains. it is not going to go away soon i am sure. and we havent even got divorced yet. so far we have been able to maintain a level or cordiality in front of ur dd. by our expressions tho' u can tell the emotion. and my dd can see thru that. dont yell at mommy daddy seh says even before we say anything to each other. or mommy shhhh.

u know what u dont need anger to 'sever' ties. because i think the anger and sadness comes automatically when face to face. what u need is something for those moments when u miss him and he doesnt look that bad (not saying he is bad) anymore. for me those moments were the worst and they were the ones that kept me addicted. and still now i havent been able to 'cut off connections'. dont think i ever will be able to do that. i recognise i will always care for the person he used to be. and just because he doesnt feel the same way in return doesnt mean i still wont have feelings for him anymore. he is going thru tough times. and i feel so bad for him. so in my little way i try my best to do whatever i can to put less stress on him.

personally for me i have a gamut of emotions. i guess i would call it love and hate. because of our history i just cant cut off ties as if they never existed - no matter how he feels. i will yell at him and cry for him at the same time. gosh!!! my 'peaceful happy' times began when i realised i didnt always have to hate him. that no matter what and whatever happens in the future (if i am into a committed relationship) i will always value him as a person - as a friend that he once was. i know this reeks of ambiguity but i am not sure how else to put it.

so dont try to sort out emotions right now. just go with the flow. and dont let ur self continue to be dependent on him emotionally. give urself the opportunity to be on ur own and u will realise what a heady feeling it is. when u truly do something on ur own and u surprise ur own self - u will just love it.

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#22 of 22 Old 08-24-2005, 11:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Insightful post, MeeMee,

You are right , i cannot sever ties because they live on in the children. Right now i have to say that *he* is more dependant on *me* than the other way around...Sure, there are the times when he doesn't look so bad, the times i forget what a nightmare our relationship has been for a very long time (unlikely to change).

I just want to get on with things, maybe even one day find a new partner...but that can't happen while we are so unhealthily tied to one another. I am continuing to work on it and hopefully he will remain open to the seperation and not harbor fantasies of us getting back together (or me doing the same)

I wish you and all of the other people who are going through this , luck and wisdom...because, it is so hard. I go so back and forth in my emotions. I guess it's a normal part of healing.

Too tired to write more right now. Goodnight

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