Notifying the other parent... - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-04-2005, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have sole custody of DS who is 19 months old. His dad is not very involved and does not see him regularly (he has supervised visitation). I do try to keep him up to date with DS, as I will only discuss him or issues related to him with XH. Well, this weekend DS was in the hospital with an asthma attack (his first). I left a message with his Dad and he never returned my call. I didn't expect him too but I left the message because I though he should know. I am not sure that is really necessary or something that I will do again. What would you all do in this situation?

Thanks.
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Old 09-04-2005, 12:34 PM
 
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That is a difficult one. at first, I definitely would have notified and I suppose I still would for a hospitalization, but there seems to be a fine line of separation. I don't really know what to say. Hopefully others will respond. I think your phone message is good. That he chose to not respond is him.

I hope your little guy is doing better. Jennifer
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Old 09-04-2005, 12:52 PM
 
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When I first left my ex, I also talked to him about the boys. I saved up neat stories that I thought he would want to hear about them, I asked them if they wanted to call him (the oldest was 4), ect.

Through all of this he never managed to see the boys, so far he has shown up once a year for a weekend, he almost never calls himself, maybe once every 4-6 months, when I call him about child support he almost never asks about the boys or asks to talk to them, never writes letters, ect.

One day I just decided that their relationship with their father was his responsibility. Unless he asks for a call about them, a letter about them, some kind of news, then I am not going to worry about it. I would say if he calls ever and wants to know how ds has been then find a nice story to share, or if he brings up the hospital and wants to know about his health, then a hospitalization probably deserves a phone call, other wise I wouldn't worry about it.
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Old 09-04-2005, 01:06 PM
 
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I think that calling & telling him about the hospitalization and the asthma attack was a wise choice. It probably took 2 minutes of your time and at least you were informing him about things. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to know.

I think the big things are important to share. If your ex chooses to do nothing, that is his choice. Things like accidents, hospital visits, a new diagnosis, etc. are all important and big issues. For all the time it takes, I'd say continue to do so when you feel necessary and if he chooses not to respond, that's okay too. At least you've done your part.
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Old 09-04-2005, 02:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L.J.
I think that calling & telling him about the hospitalization and the asthma attack was a wise choice. It probably took 2 minutes of your time and at least you were informing him about things. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to know.

I think the big things are important to share. If your ex chooses to do nothing, that is his choice. Things like accidents, hospital visits, a new diagnosis, etc. are all important and big issues. For all the time it takes, I'd say continue to do so when you feel necessary and if he chooses not to respond, that's okay too. At least you've done your part.

Wonderful advice and exactly what I was thinking. I keep ex informed on all the big things, but not the little things (unless he asks, which is rare).

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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Old 09-04-2005, 02:36 PM
 
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Another thing I thought of.....

I am an honest person and when I do things, especially as a single parent I think, if I do this, how will I feel down the road telling the kids this was my choice.

So....in your situation....

If your son said, "Mom, why didn't dad come when I had my asthma attack and was in the hospital?" You can answer honestly and say, "I don't know. I called him and told him. He made his choices. You'll have to ask him."

If you hadn't called and your son asked......how would you feel saying, "well, son, because I never told him about it."

I use that kind of thinking to find the choice that sits best in my heart. Hope it helps.
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Old 09-04-2005, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your respones. I felt that I did the right thing too. A few people in my life, including my parents and a few friends, think it is not necessary but I always let him know anyway. It is for DS, NOT for his father, and that is what I remind myself.

Thanks again!!!
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Old 09-04-2005, 10:59 PM
 
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Well, here's my story of "BTDT" - when Trystan was 10 weeks old (or so), he was hospitalized for 3 days with RSV. Despite STBXH having dropped out of our lives completely almost a month earlier, I called him to let him know. His response? "What time will YOU be leaving?" (now, understand this is a man who abandoned me (and 5 children) when I was 37 weeks pregnant for another woman). When I told him I wouldn't be leaving my newborn son period, he asked what the visiting hours were - I told him that since he was his father, he could come at ANY time. He showed up almost 3 hours later, stayed for 15 minutes, made snide comments to me when T cried and walked out when he couldn't get a rise out of me and never came back or even returned my calls to see how he was doing. That was two and a half years ago. That was his last contact with T.
Do I wish I hadn't called him? Part of me does - I didn't need the extra stress at the time, but I also know that I did the right thing - and gave him a chance to do the same. He didn't... his loss. But I can't ever be told that I did him wrong... or our son.
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