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boyfriend and toddler

1K views 8 replies 8 participants last post by  mindyfalcon 
#1 ·
I am dealing with some feelings that I feel kinda guilty about, and I really want to hear how other single moms respond to this. I am thankful this is anonomous, because I don't think I could otherwise share these feelings because of shame. Here's the deal- I am a single mom of a two year old boy. He is great, and the love of my life, and all the stuff mothers feel about their children. Now I have found a man that is worthy of my love, I feel, and we have started a relationship. He is very good with my son, and it feels *so* good to me to be a "family" at times. The problem I am having is that my son is very active, and the typical two-year-old. He is into everything, and is very dominating of my attention. When we are all together, I feel inside like I am saying "please behave! don't embarass me!" We went out to eat this morning, and my son would not sit in his highchair, would not eat, wanted to play with the knives, salt, pepper....and I felt so out of control and resentful. I hated that it was all on me to discipline, and that the man sitting across from me at the table was not my son's dad, and therefore, did not know how to act, really. I felt like my parenting was under the spotlight, and I needed to prove to my boyfriend that I was a good mom. I hated the way that I felt, most of all because it made me feel like my son was making this so hard for me. I don't know what to do. I guess just not go out to eat anymore with him until he is a little older. This is just so hard to date as a single mom. I found someone I really like, and it is so hard doing this as a mom. I don't know if maybe I shouldn't be with someone while my son is so young. It would be easier, I feel, if my son was not so "spirited." But he is, and I know he is not the one to blame for my feelings. Maybe the only people I should consider having a relationship with need to just have kids of their own, so they understand. What do you all think?
 
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#2 ·
Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about this?
Or are you saying that you know he's not "the one?"

Because it seems to me, that if he is the one, that he would care enough to try and understand how you feel. And maybe he will reassure you that he is not thinking critically of you when y'all go out and your 2 year old is acting 2-year-old-ish.

I have never gone on date since I've been a single mom. But I echo your fears. If its early in the relationship, I can see how it'd be daunting to bring stuff up, esp when you know its your job to be the parent. But if he is very special, he might be worth explaining this to. That way you can be more relaxed. Hopefully he understands toddlers are not the most polite or orderly folks, and maybe he can help you out more, knowing you're stressed out.

I'd also like to say that your bf must know that you and your son are a package deal....and therefore he is potentially going to have a role that is more intense than a boyfriend of a childless woman. I hope you're not feeling like you have to be as easy going and laid back as a childless woman, or that you have to neatly package your toddler to prove what an inconvenience he is not. Cos thats not going to honestly portray yourselves, you know?

and for what its worth, I have almost daily less-than-nurturing thoughts about my girl, who is 18 mos. Especially on days that we go to the supermarket. I don't think its bad to wish they'd just sit down and be quiet!!!!!! (and not "screw this up for me.")
 
#3 ·
I can totally imagine how you feel and my advice is to ....first dont go out to eat! LOL Cook at home or at his. Second...you should keep your boyfriend relationship separate from your son until your relationship is solid enough that you dont feel that insecurity when your son is with the two of you. Go out with BF without your DS or have you BF come over when DS is sleeping. If you jump into the "family" thing too quickly it might make things harder later on. I think with dating your BF needs undivided attention and same with your son. Then when its really secure with BF the whole family thing will fall into place. Think about it this way...when doing it the "right way" (is there a right way! LOL) a couple meet and get to know each other over a period of time and THEN the kids come. So you have to make it work that way even though you already have your DS. thats why time alone with BF can help your feelings. And its really hard to let your feelings develop for your BF when DS is taking up much of your attention!


edited to add: I am actually a single mom right now. Not exactly living or married to Kaya's dad. Just loving him right now! LOL
 
#4 ·
For me leaving dd with a sitter is not an option financially or medically. I've only dated 2 people in the last 3 years and she's meet both. She simply sees them as friends as I seem to be using the toddler method of birth control quite effectively (meaning no intimacy in front of dd!) as she's always with me. When we go out its the same as when she goes out alone with me. I bring a "goody bag" of treats, small quite toys, crayons, coloring books. Things like that to keep her occupied so mommy can actually talk
I also plan our dates to be child friendly so there's less stress. Yes it means no movies for us because dd would rather run wild through the theater then watch the movie but she LOVES taking long walks which gives "us" time to talk and she's happily looking every where else!
 
#5 ·
I've thought this one out for myself already. I have a 11 month old DD.

I have resolved that when I date she will not be with us. If that means I get to see the guy I'm dating once a week and have a sitter with her while she's sleeping - then so be it.

I feel like after a year of dating this person (who ever it may be) I should know if he's the one or not. At that point she will be introduced and at that point he will have to deal with her behavior - whatever it is.

I never want to be in a position where I'm humiliated because of her behavior in front of a guy. I figure if it's at that point in our relationship then it's too early for him to know her - or to know me with her in the mix. I'ts going to have to be natural. I don
t want either me or DD to feel uncomfortable or like we have to behave in front of some guy.

Just my 2 cents.
 
#6 ·
I have a very spirited 2 year old DS, and just started dating a new guy. I have dated a little bit since my divorce but this is the first serious relationship. I never allowed anyone else to meet DS. They were just kinda fun time relationships. My new BF is (in my eyes) "The One" we live very far away from each other so we spend weekends together, either at my house or his and I can't leave DS every weekend all weekend. So he comes along. My BF and DS get along very well and have a great time together. DS loves him. But DS can be VERY trying to anyones patience. He is very active and is constantly into everything and never sleeps!! Sometimes I am embarrssed by his behavior, but I would be to anyone not just my BF. BF has a DD who is 7 and an angel, so it very akward for me sometimes. But I have relized that its me that see things as such a problem, not BF. He sometimes doesn't understand the way I do thing, but he respects my choices to parent my way.
 
#7 ·
It sounds like neither you or your child are ready for you to be dating. It is OK not to date. You have the rest of your life to find a new relationship.

My mother and father had a horrible marriage. They were both alcoholics and my father was abusive. I never had any respect for either of them. My mother wouldn't leave him. He died from lung cancer when they were in their late 50s. My mother stopped smoking and got her drinking under control. After a few years on her own she remarried and is happy. She is healthy and they have an active life.

She never could have predicted that her life would be the way it is now. You have the rest of your life for a relationship with a man. Your child is only 2 once. One of the things that is hard about single parenting is all of the distractions (stressors) and dating can be a big distraction. Don't worry about trying to find a father or create a family for your child. Having a mother that is emotionally available and present is the most important thing for the developing child.

If the time is right then the relationship with a man should be easy and give you energy rather than making you feel drained and stressed.
 
#8 ·
thank you so much for your reply! What an encouraging story you can share! I think sometimes single moms (and just single women!) feel pressured to hurry up, find someone, and settle- that proves your worth, that equals happiness, and that means a "family." I struggle so much with these false ideas that made their way into my brain. Thank you for your thoughts. Perhaps we are just not ready. I especially liked how you said your "son is only 2 once." Boy, that is the truth.
 
#9 ·
I have recently been dating 2 men in very different situations. One is a single father who adores my daughter and understands her place in my life as he has kids of his own. I broke my rule of not letting him meet her because our kids play together. Bachelor #2 is not a dad and has rarely even been around children. I was keeping dd away from him, but he just seems to always show up wherever we are getting coffee or grabbing dinner. One of these nights as my daughter was trying to stab at his hand with a knife, smearing food all over herself and the walls, and doing the back-arch-shrill-screaming-while-kicking-mama-dance, I asked him if this was too much reality for one night. To be honest, I did not really care what the answer was. This is my life, take it or leave it. But he surprised me and said it was one of the best evenings he's ever had.

Moral of the story, single mamas are who we are. If the men in our life have trouble dealing with that, then those are not the men we should be associating with anyway. Yes, my daughter often frustrates & embarrasses me. But she is my little girl, and one day I will wish that she was still pulling on my pants leg saying "Mommy picka up.". As far as my social life is concerned, if it can not co-exist with my child, then I'll give it up until later. But I will not try to mask or candy-coat the hummus dripping down her chin or the permanent food stains she has added to all my clothing. That's who we are, and one day, someone will see that and love us for it. I'll just be waiting around for him and weeding out all the ones not worth OUR time.

Good Health
Mindy
 
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