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Son is so sad about being different from his friends...

687 views 7 replies 8 participants last post by  Satori 
#1 ·
This is my fiirst post and I dont quite know all of the acronyms yet so forgive me for "longhand"...

Here is my situation: My son is 5 years old and I've raised him by myself. His "sperm donor" was an aquaintance who I did not love and was not in a position to be a good parent (in my opinion). He knows of Gabe but has never seen him (well-came to the hospital on the day of birth but thats it...).

I have never spoken ill of this man to my son. As Gabe has gotten older, he has requested more and more info on just why he doesnt have a father. When he was younger, I explained that all families are different, etc but that doesnt cut it anymore for him. At this time I have had to explain more about the way a child is made to him than a 5 year old typically knows.

Gabe says he understands that he is loved and that is the most important thing about families but he is still so frustrated. We live in an upper middle class area with mainly 2 parent households - everyone assumes he has a father. He has been questioned repeatedly by some children on why he has no father and some tactles older children have taken it upon themselves to inform him that "everyone" has a father. So my poor little guy is in a tough spot and I am afraid he is starting to be depressed and have low self esteem because of this.

I have tried to give him everything that I think would make his life happy and as "normal" as possible- Ive worked late nights so I could be home with him during the day, baked cookies, baseball games, camping trips etc. But the fact is that he wants a dad more than anything. Desite having close relationships with my step father and my brother , its not the same to him. I even tried Big brothers but he is too young for the program.

SO although I have not dated since my pregnancy (first I was to busy and preoccupied and now I am so scared because its been so long!)- I am determined to get back in the dating game this year. Maybe I will someday find a Dad for Gabe. HOWEVER, in the meantime I was wondering if anybody knows of any resources books, videos etc. that deal with this issue beyond the simplistic explanation of "families are different". Or perhaps even anyone whose child is different from his peers in some other way (handicap etc) and has dealt with these feelings of wanting to be like everyone else.

Thanks for listening!
 
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#3 ·
Could you make friends with some other single mom's so your son can see there are other kids like him, or move to an area with more single parents. I am so glad for all the other single mom's that I know even if I don't know them really well because I think it is hard for children if they think they fall outside what they perceive to be "normal"
 
#4 ·
I know a book isn't a magic pill, but this is my daughter's favorite
book. Not sure if it's because she relates to it, or because she
just happens to like it. It's really a great book. We own two
copies. It just talks about how everybody comes from a different
kind of family. Nice pictures too.

I agree to look into any single mother groups in your area. It
would do your son good to be exposed to different types of
familes. Since he seems to be around so many two parent familes.

Link to the book.


Love is a Family
 
#5 ·
oh valgabe, the single parents group would be a v. v. good idea. at around 2 my dd noticed that her parents (dad v. present in her life) didnt live together like the other parents she knew. she would cry - i want mommy AND daddy. she would try and get us to do things together. she tries that sometimes now too. what helped us was the barney family song. one day she shouted my daddy 'lives far away' too. AND then i made friends with a couple of single moms (one's dad totally absent, one shares custody) and that gave her the grounding she needed.

how about talking to his teacher to introduce the concept of different kinds of family in class - single parenting, two mommies or two daddies, grandparents, etc so at least the mean children get a chance to understand there are so many different kinds of family arond. is there something u and gabe do that he really enjoys and u know most other families dont do it. something like midnight feasts. because if the teacher asked what special things they do as a family ur friend could share his moments too.
 
#6 ·
Do you have courses in your area for kids of divorce? I know that in my area there are courses that kids can take where they are placed in age specific groups and deal with issues of divorce. It might help him to get some tools to deal with this, meet other kids who are in the same situation, etc.

If not, perhaps you talking to a counselor might help. You could maybe learn some specific tools or ways of helping him cope with the situation or help him figure things out for himself.

It is hard for these kids, but I know there are a lot of resources out there.....it's just a matter of finding them.

Hugs for you and your son.

Edited to add: I have the book, "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian, which helped me understand "boy" stuff alot better. I'm sure a lot of things are coming to a head for your son right now because of his age, so it will be important to his mental/emotional & relationship attachments down the road to help him find tools or ways to work through this now.
 
#7 ·
I agree w/ all of the OP, I would like to add that a play (certified) therapist would be of great help. Not just a 'talking ' DR (as we've called them) who play games while talking, but those who actually use play as a theraputic tool. At least check into it and see if there is one in your area...Good luck.

I also made up a story that mirrored what DC was going through (my first doesn't have any contact w/ his donor) I changed the names , but basically told the actual story, it was a great lead in for many helpfull conversations.

I hope this is making sense (i'm tired )
 
#8 ·
I wish I had advice for you but i'm in the same situation to some extent. My dd is also 5 and has not yet asked about her father. I've been talking about daddies a lot lately but she just really accepts that our family doesn't have a daddy. I'm dreading when she asks though. I'm getting ready to TTC with donor sperm next week and if successful i'm sure we'll be discussing how babies are made soon! I know there are books out there for children conceived from donor sperm. Perhaps one of those might work for you? I also 2nd the SMC group, I may be joining myself soon.
 
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