My mom just blew me off. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 04:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mom is unbelievable. In the midst of my divorce, three weeks after my dad passed away, two weeks after my miscarriage, my mom came to tell me that I am acting like I was as a teenager and that this is her last time ever talking to me. Then she wanted me to sit while she lectured me about how "bad" I am, and told me that she was not going to ask for the gratitude she deserves. I told her to save it and get out.

In a way, I am soooo glad I never have to see her again. She is so negative, critical, and yet soooooo saintly - after she cuts you down, she wants you to treat her like a martyr. When I moved in with my brother, I was kind of nervous how things would go. She's been telling me that I'm better off with stbxh, that my brother is going to be nasty to me (he isn't) and that it would be better if I could find an apartment (she knows I can't afford it). When she's over, she follows me around the kitchen and tells me all the food that needs to be thrown out or used, etc. Rolls her eyes at how dirty everything is (it isn't). Oh yeah, and when I was pregnant, in the same breath, she told me girls were 60%-70% trouble (she always reminds me how terrible a daughter I was/am) and that she wishes I had a girl.

Not once has she ever asked me how I was doing.

I was going to post about her because I was totally apalled by how bad of an influence she was to my ds. She has such a weird passive-aggressive vibe. My ds and her two other grandchildren all become aggressive around her. It's difficult to explain.

A bit of background: I had a really messed up childhood, and when I became a teenager, I acted out. I was expressing my anger for the first time. But I never got into drugs, didn't have boyfriends or anything. I think it was pretty typical teenage rebellion. Yelled at my mom, but still had like a 3.8 gpa. Okay, I was a nerd. But for my mom, that is who I really am. She wants to see me in the worst light. To this day, she reminds me of that time. At the same time, she's done so much to let me down.

I say good riddance. I just wish her timing was better. I'm having THE talk with my stbxh this weekend, and am really nervous about it. I burst out in tears the other day just realizing how everything is going to end. There's like a million things on my mind right now.

But in a way, I think that's why my mom chose now to tell me it's over. I'm so vulnerable, maybe she thought I would beg her to stay. :

I could use a little .
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#2 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 04:51 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama- 's your way! It will get better-be gentle with yourself.You are amazing!!!!
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#3 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 04:52 PM
 
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When she says forever, does she mean forever-ever, or just "forever"?

I'm just asking because my mom is a disowner. At any given time, any number of family members have been disowned by her.

I grew up really believing that my family was dysfunctional and crazy, but I learned how to deal with them better from my dh. He taught me how to love from a distance, to appreciate on the whole, and to not get involved with the cuckoo things. The distant, but loving relationship that grew out of that has become a great relationship.

There is something about the finality of a relationship that pushes what could be an emotional moment into an overwhelming emotional moment.

Your mom is your mom, and that won't change, relationship or not. You should probably focus on getting a solid footing to meet with stbx for now.

Take a deep breath and think about where you are now (not where she thinks you are, but where you know you are), and whether you have been better off without him or not. Whether your son has been better off without him or not. How your hopes & prospects look. What you need from your stbx.

It's a lot to be going through all at once. You have my sympathy & my ear!
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#4 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 05:21 PM
 
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Try not to let her weird issues become yours. It's very hard to take a step away from your mom and know that you are still whole and okay when she is trying desperately to convince you otherwise.
I imagine maybe she's a little right now, (more so than usual??) with the recent death of your father?
Take a deep breath and cut yourself and maybe her some slack.
Take one thing at a time and I agree with pp that your first priority now should be stbx and son.

I'm really sorry for all of your losses!
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#5 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the and perspective. I want to respond in depth more later. I should go cook dinner. But I wanted to say that my mom and dad were divorced for 23 years when he died, and they weren't speaking to each other. She also blamed him for all her problems. She wasn't cold about it or anything, but she didn't really shed any tears for him. She is (clinically so as well - which I may get into), but not because he died.

I also wanted to say that this is the first time my mom disowned anyone. It was my dad who disowned people, myself several times. It's an interesting point that my mom bitterly complains about my brother all the time, but bends over backwards to please him no matter how contemptuous he is of her. She has a hate thing for girls. I've always known that. Anyway, thanks for your responses.
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#6 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 07:48 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your miscarriage and the loss of your father. I am sending the biggest and most supportive cyber-hug possible.

I agree that you need to focus your energy on yourself and on your meeting with stbx. Stay centered and positive and focus on what you need to say and do.

It is unfortunate that your mom is where she is right now and even more unfortunate that she can't deal with her own issues and shortcomings and has to transfer them onto you and others. However, you need to do whatever you have to for protection and support. I would look at this as an opportunity to really lean on friends and other family members for awhile and allow her toxicity to remain at a distance.

Perhaps when you aren't so vulnerable you will be able to deal with her better. Right now you need to get what you need.

I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. I hope you know you are definitely supported here.
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#7 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 10:59 PM
 
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I didn't see that you miscarried, too.

Uhffff, you know how they say "when it rains it pours"
sometimes you get to the point when there is jut so much going wrong that all you can do is watch the drama unfold. see what happens next. think of your life as a soap opera. laugh that 'I'm over the brink' laugh.

It's too much to bear all at once. One step at a time.

When I was younger I saw this crazy meditation book in a cobwebby hidden bookstore that had the best advice ever:
BE HERE NOW
page after page
arranged in a million different ways
...best advice ever...
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#8 of 21 Old 09-16-2005, 11:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Mrs. Chats and .me. Your quote sounds very zen. I've been trying to practice that more. Who am I kidding. I haven't meditated in a year. But I could definitely use it. The miscarriage was the hardest of all I think. It wouldn't seem so, but my whole future with my children just came crashing down, and I think I was using that "future" to comfort the losses I have been experiencing.

Anyway, I'm feeling better with the whole thing. My mom just does not have the capacity to put herself in other people's places. What can I do? And she just never has liked me as a person. I just have to accept that. I really feel that it's her loss.

But yes, I do need to focus on the divorce. I am on my way to writing out my "reasons" for divorce. I want stbxh to know exactly why we're getting divorced. But I'm not closing the book on anything. He's been uncharacteristically controlled about his gambling and has been pleasant to me. But I'd be really, really surprised if the outcome of this weekend was anything other than divorce.
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#9 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 01:35 AM
 
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Goepark...

What I keep seeing in everything you describe about your mother is "personality disorder." Seriously...it may be terrible timing, but in the long run, you will be happier, more functional, and more healthy without her in your life.

Parents who constantly criticize their children absolutely piss me off, and I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that. You deserve more, and your son is lucky to have a mama who will give him the "more" that he deserves.

I know there's more I'd wanted to say...but it's late, and my brain is fried on Carrabbas and cheesecake (slurp). So, anyway...hugs! Hang in there -- as someone else said, focus on getting ready for the meeting with stbxh. You'll do great.
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#10 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 02:35 AM
 
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Sorry your mom's so stressful
Hope you are feeling better
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#11 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 10:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goepark
And she just never has liked me as a person. I just have to accept that. I really feel that it's her loss.
I don't think that she doesn't like you. When people say things like that to others, especially their children, it's because they have such hate for themselves inside and for whatever reasons, she has projected her feelings about herself onto you. It is all about her and not you. And unless she gets help for herself, she will likely go on hating herself and projecting those feelings onto you and others too.

I am really sorry about your miscarriage. I do believe that everything happens for a reason although, in the moment, it seems impossible to see what that may be. As the queen of optimism.....I will hold out for the possibility that either a) your ex will get everything together and you two could continue in a healthy, positive relationship where you will create more children or b) this will allow you the space to learn and grow and you will meet someone who is truly amazing and the two of you will bond for life and create children together.

I am sending you lots of love and peace to get through your losses.
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#12 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 03:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mrschatsalot, thank you for those positive comments. Wow, I hardly ever use the regular ole smiley. Thanks pranamama, for the . Allibabble, my mom was diagnosed with psychosis some years ago when she had some sort of break-down. It's supposed to be a very vague diagnosis that is kind of thrown about. All my life my mom acted very bi-polar. But mostly on the down side. The personality disorder is a new one. I will be looking that up. But whatever the diagnosis, she just does not know how to nurture. Yes, I do feel sorry for her, and we kids have gone through A LOT getting her help, which she has. She's in a very good situation. But right now, I need to be about me.
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#13 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 04:31 PM
 
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So sorry life has to throw you so much at once. I am a
believer of toxic relationships being cut out of people's life, no
matter the relationship. Family or friend. That being said I can
relate to having a Mother with mental illness. So many times I
learned that with mental illness there is no rhyme or reason. It
doesn't make sense. I tried to hard to figure it out, and mend
it. Doesn't work that way.
Thing is I also have mental illness. I watch my world, and how
I am in it. I watch my words with dd, and my attitude. I don't
want my dd to live with what I did. If you were to ask my Mom
if she has mental illness she would be shocked by that question,
and it's so obvious to the world.
Take care of you, listen to your heart, do what is right
for you and your family. If there are those who wish to judge
cut them loose. It does nothing but drag you down.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#14 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 05:14 PM
 
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Geopark, major hugs to you!!

I second what people have said, be here now, take it one step at a time, and concentrate on what YOU have to deal with.

I've had a lot of issues with my mom, too, that have been brought up again through my divorce. It is very hard, but I've found some peace in setting boundaries and accepting that I could only change myself. Though it may not be applicable in your situation, I've read and worked through "Co-Dependant No More!" and found it was so refreshing to see that relying on others and bending over backwards for others would only make my life unlivable. When you said that "we kids have gone through A LOT getting her help," it makes me think that you might have spent a lot of energy trying to fix her problems, instead of spending that energy on making your own life healthy. I hope that you can find ways of moving forward, and it sounds like you've got a lot of courage and strength and determination. Hugs, good luck, and you might check into the co-dependency thing (Ironically, I was finding some of those ideas/paths on my own when my ex decided to leave, and I think it was my own healthy self-sufficiency that he couldn't stand.) It really helped me out.

Hugs!
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#15 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 05:36 PM
 
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Sometimes I think that mothers have more power to harm their daughters than any other people. My relationship with my mother has been strained for the last 3 years or so, and I know I feel more anxiety and emotional pain from that than any other issue or relationship in my life.

Luckily, you sound like a very strong, emotionally centered person.
I am sure you have it in you to withstand this take whatever steps necessary to heal yourself.

Wishing you the best.
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#16 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 07:22 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are having to go through this, at a turbulent time in your life, too. My own mother dealt with finally cutting ties with her mom a few years ago. My mom had always done tons of stuff for her mom, but my grandmother never liked her, and always favored her brothers. It was hard to cut her off, but I think my mom is happier now. Perhaps some distance will help you now. Try to focus on other things, and maybe after things are more settled you may want to try to regain contact. Who knows, she may change her mind after a while. You may decide that you feel better without her in your life, but the decision might be easier to make in more time.

You are definitely in my thoughts, and I hope things work out for the best. It sounds like you have the strength to weather many things.

K, 26, married to D, 27, still trying to conceive our first child after a 7 week loss in January 2011
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#17 of 21 Old 09-17-2005, 10:42 PM
 
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#18 of 21 Old 09-19-2005, 12:11 AM
 
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Gosh - I have no words other than - you *have to* know this is not about you - it's about her - and sadly, we really can't change what is on the inside of people - it is very sad what precious thing mother's hold in their hands for their daughters, and how often it is fragmented and goes wrong. I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. Your mom, hard as it must be to see, must be hurting too, in her own, dysfunctional way of expressing it. (((hugs))) to you ... It will get better with time - I really think it will.
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#19 of 21 Old 09-19-2005, 04:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the big . It really does make things better to have sympathetic readers validating my experience. I guess I'm not the only with mom issues. Yes, I've spent a lot of time taking care of my mom. When I was a child, I had nightmares about taking bullets for my mom. I was always the one to protect her, not her me. Anyways, ds is up. Gotta run!

Thanks again.
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#20 of 21 Old 09-19-2005, 04:35 PM
 
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How did the weekend work out? THE talk?

How are you doing?
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#21 of 21 Old 09-20-2005, 07:49 PM
 
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it's hard to cut toxic people out of your life when they are family members. I feel for you but it sounds like a not so healthy relationship to me. i don't think you'll regret it.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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