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Jster's Avatar Jster 10:37 AM 01-20-2006
I hope I'm not killing this thread...

Mystic mama, do trust your instincts. It's so important to listen to yourself. And I read your post on the celibacy thread, and it seems like a peaceful and healthy choice.

Umm...so...yesterday, I got a christmas card back in the mail from my old friend, the address was bad. So I called him up (glad his number was still good!) and we talked for...three hours. And could have talked all night. Or all year. This is the person who, when we were 13, was so amazingly mature that he scared ME away! And the best lover I've ever had. And, well, I've never said this before, but when I was about to get married, my ex and I were having a big trouble over last names, we'd previously agreed to share a new sort of combo name, and his family went ballistic, threatened to boycott the wedding. So he decided to follow their lead, it was take his name or keep my own, but the kids better have his name. I felt so scared by it all, I mean, it was just too much to take, his family being more important to him than me. And I almost called the whole thing off, but my aunt talked me into going ahead (gee, thanks...I listened to her perhaps because she was the only one still married in my family, but she ended up getting divorced on the same day I did, imagine that . But all the while I was thinking...the only reason I really am absolutely opposed to taking his name or hyphenating is because of his family, I didn't really like them in their relationships, didn't really want to be a part of them. And I kept thinking all the time about this other man...the one I'd been so passionate about at 13 (and later in high school when we had a sort of reunion). I admitted to myself that I had always felt so much more connection to him, but went ahead with getting married.

So last night, talking, the connection is still there. Some of it might just be familiarity, or the fact that he stimulates my mind and expresses so much respect for my perspective. And lust... But some of it has always been a feeling there might be a soul connection that's undeniable, which keeps us coming back to each other. Of course, he lives in NYC, so it's not like we'll go anywhere. But boy, do I wish we could!

I'll still be in touch with M from match.com, though...gotta at least try things out.

So what do you all think? Anyone believe old flames can rekindle successfully? Or that it's even worth thinking about when he lives so far away?

MsChatsAlot's Avatar MsChatsAlot 12:37 PM 01-20-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama
It has been so helpful and entertaining reading this thread And I have deecided that I am done browsing and talking to men online...not just that I'm done "looking" for a realtionship period.

Why I have been going against my instincts that tell me I am not ready, I dont know but writing it here helps it be concrete to me that I promise myself, I am not going to spend anymore energy on this. Not that I wont be reading about your dating experiences
You know, I have been exactly there at times too. I sign up because I feel lonely or like I'm missing "something" - knowing full well that I'm not in the space or don't have the time to be dating right now anyway. But, for some reason, I've still done it. I do listen better now.
MsChatsAlot's Avatar MsChatsAlot 12:39 PM 01-20-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen
LMAO! Okay, you win for now meemee. Once MsChatsAlot shows up we'll see if she can beat you
Thanks Steph for inviting me to come to be the "biggest loser" But you have forgotten that I have gone on a few dates in the past 2 years!!!!

But, before that, I hadn't been on a date since the mid 1990's!!!!!
MsChatsAlot's Avatar MsChatsAlot 12:43 PM 01-20-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster
So what do you all think? Anyone believe old flames can rekindle successfully? Or that it's even worth thinking about when he lives so far away?
Well, there must be something in the air! Yesterday I got a call, out of the blue, from an ex. We dated about 15 years ago when I was in college. Then we always stayed in contact and were buddies for a long time (not to mention that if we ever needed... , we would help each other out!)

We hadn't talked in about 3 years. But when he called, we just picked up where we left off, talked for over an hour and later chatted on msn. It was funny!

I don't know if he's just looking to say hi, if he's looking for a little or what, but it was nice to hear from him again. I know we are done dating, but having a male friend like that again might be fun too!

So, to answer your question, I think that old flames can re-kindle. I think a lot of the success depends on why you broke up, how each of you has or hasn't changed, etc.
BelovedK's Avatar BelovedK 09:20 PM 01-20-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK

I'm still not sure about what to do about my 'friend' that is more interested in me in a romantic way when all i want is our old friendship back. Do I have to just cut it off with him...at least i'm being honest with him and i *do * enjoy his company (sometimes it is uncomfortable when he does something like grab my hand and linger a little too long) He loves my children, but i don't let him see them. I wonder if he considers us as a *dating* couple (Yech!)
The weirdest thing has just happened. My 'friend ' just told me that he has connected with another woman and is in the infatuation phase , all giddy and stuff...My heart feels so heavy now. It's not like I wanted to be involved with him , but...I don't know?? I feel sad now, even though I have a date set up for next week with someone I met from Match.com (it sorta takes the excitement edge off of it for me, I guess I thought 'friend ' would always be there...I suppose this is for the best, but
Katt2005's Avatar Katt2005 09:28 PM 01-20-2006
I know what you mean. Its nice to be *liked* by someone, wheather you like them back or not. Oh well, atleast this person feels the same way for him, that is good for him. He needs to be *liked* too.
Atleast you have the new dude from match.com!!! That sounds like it could be something good!! Good luck!!
Jilian's Avatar Jilian 11:07 PM 01-20-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster
So what do you all think? Anyone believe old flames can rekindle successfully? Or that it's even worth thinking about when he lives so far away?
That is very exciting! I do believe that old flames can reunite. Keep talking to him, maybe the feeling is mutual. Things happen for a reason. Maybe you just weren't ready for that kind of relationship back then, it is a sign that he's come back in to your life. I'm excited for you!
Jilian's Avatar Jilian 11:17 PM 01-20-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK
The weirdest thing has just happened. My 'friend ' just told me that he has connected with another woman and is in the infatuation phase , all giddy and stuff...My heart feels so heavy now. It's not like I wanted to be involved with him , but...I don't know?? I feel sad now, even though I have a date set up for next week with someone I met from Match.com (it sorta takes the excitement edge off of it for me, I guess I thought 'friend ' would always be there...I suppose this is for the best, but
Well that doesn't sound good. If you're not interested in him in a romantic way then you need to let him go so he can move on. Otherwise you are holding him in limbo and that isn't fair to him. It sounds like maybe you were just keeping him around just to have someone there. I know how that is, I went through that myself, just needing someone there. It's like putting a band-aid over a moajor cut and never allowing it to really heal. The alone time is what really helps you to heal.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into your post but it sounds a lot like what I went through. I'm just trying to save you from what I went through and offer a "been there done that" perspective. Are you sure you've healed enough from the loss of your marriage and you are ready to try out dating? If not it could end up being very emotional for you.
Natalya's Avatar Natalya 11:28 PM 01-20-2006
Ditto to what Jillian just said. My bf and I have known each other awhile and he told me he's wanted me ever since he's known me... I kind of sensed it but we were never in the right place at the right time. (Esp. emotionally) Now all of a sudden things are happening and it's crazy. Sometimes we'll say we wish we had gotten together long ago but we both have realized that we weren't ready for each other. We had to go through all these hard times and experiences before we were perfect for each other.

You guys, I am ready to marry this man! Is it stupid to be so fast about it (we've been dating 3 weeks : )? I've never had anything like this (flowy/natural/perfectly loving each other)!! We have a one year plan... : but I'm so ready now! Am I insane?
Natalya's Avatar Natalya 11:29 PM 01-20-2006
PS What is going on... I don't visit MDC for a few days and all of a sudden everybody's dating! It's not even spring yet!!!!
morgainesmama's Avatar morgainesmama 12:28 AM 01-21-2006
I totally think old flames can rekindle. For me, it's always been a bad thing, but that's because I ended up in really dysfunctional relationships. I think if you follow your heart and do what you feel is right, you'll know if it's working or not.

Course I'm pretty inexperienced so what do I know ...

MYSPACE.com ... here's the scoop. You sign up (free), make a profile (you can make it private but this doesn't suit dating purposes), decide if you're there for friends, or more, and use it as much or little as you want. It's a whole online community ... I blog, have lots of crunchy mama friends, but also am working toward dating too. The blog prolly doesn't help, LOL, but I've met 2 guys from myspace and am seeing one again. I've also got 2 ex boyfriends, and some old high school friends, and lots of thebabywearer.com members as well as a few other friends and my brothers on my list. There's a "Browse" feature which allows you to browse for local users (within x miles of zip code ...)

Here's the link to my profile, so you'll have an example. I like it because 1) it's free and 2) you can find out a lot about a person by reading their comments, see who their friends are, link to their friends' pages, etc. Mine: http://www.myspace.com/sun_sea_and_stars .

Soooo .... my dating week. After not dating, like, ever, and not even flirting really since I got married, I decided on Jan. 1 (divorce final after 9 months of fighting in court) that I wanted to date ... wow! When it rains ...

I had arranged a date today with this sweet Serbian Harvard post-doc I met New Years Eve in a bar of all places. THEN this guy who myspace messaged me, and who I've been IMing with, asked me to go out with him Thurs. and I accepted that too. THEN on Wednesday another guy from myspace messaged me, we imed for a while on Weds, then I said I had to go because I had a book group in a local cafe ... he said he'd been thinking of going down there to draw ( ) so I told him to say hello if he spotted me ... (photos) ... well, we met up and really hit it off and have plans for next week. I also set up a second date with the guy I saw today.

I feel like I'm 16 and boy crazy. Though all three were totally innocent, not even a kiss on the lips yet. I sooooo don't want a "relationship" right now, so I guess seeing a couple guys is a good thing? I don't know ... I've never done this before! LOL. I'm so glad I can share with you guys; I love crunchy single mamas.

~Kristi
meemee's Avatar meemee 12:43 AM 01-21-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalya
PS What is going on... I don't visit MDC for a few days and all of a sudden everybody's dating! It's not even spring yet!!!!
not me. havent been so lucky yet.
MsChatsAlot's Avatar MsChatsAlot 12:47 AM 01-21-2006
Not me either.

Although it's not spring, I have read that the end of January can be a very busy time for ending and starting new relationships.
BelovedK's Avatar BelovedK 02:18 AM 01-21-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian
Well that doesn't sound good. If you're not interested in him in a romantic way then you need to let him go so he can move on. Otherwise you are holding him in limbo and that isn't fair to him. It sounds like maybe you were just keeping him around just to have someone there. I know how that is, I went through that myself, just needing someone there. It's like putting a band-aid over a moajor cut and never allowing it to really heal. The alone time is what really helps you to heal.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into your post but it sounds a lot like what I went through. I'm just trying to save you from what I went through and offer a "been there done that" perspective. Are you sure you've healed enough from the loss of your marriage and you are ready to try out dating? If not it could end up being very emotional for you.

Thanks Jillian, I know you're right. I do want to try out daating again, but keeping it light. This experience with my friend has left me with a few realizations; I do want/like to have someone interested in me, it really is not fair keeping people in limbo, I hate to be there myself, why help put another there, so i realize it is not fair and only self serving. I was completely honest with my friend about wanting to date others and my freedom though. I told him that I wished him well, and I mean it...Why shouldn't he be happy??

I think a little light dating could be just what I need unless things start getting too convoluted , I guess early spring is in the air. BTW, I don't think X is still seeing his gf as much, I know now that she is not his gf, he may occasionally see her though...I called him tonight and wished him well and apoligized for getting so upset that he decided to date, I guess that's another example of my desire to keep him in limbo :

Boy, it's hard to face your own shadow
Jster's Avatar Jster 11:46 AM 01-21-2006
morgainesmama, how do you find the time?!?!? Sounds like fun to be social and try people out...I think in some ways that's what I need, too, but finding the time is difficult. So how do other mamas do that? Do you only date when your ex has the kids? Are there others in my situation, where the ex doesn't have regular visitation, and what do you do?

Also, I like your myspace profile a lot. I just started looking at that site, then my old friend/old flame had a space so I went to peek at his pictures. Keep us posted on all those dates! What characteristics are you finding most attractive?

BelovedK, sounds like you're doing a good job of understanding yourself. There is a lot that we have to learn in this process...I think that's helpful for me, sounds like it's been helpful for you, too. And I'm still not completely certain I'm "ready" to date but I don't think I can fairly analyze that (having NEVER dated as an adult) until I try it. Good luck Kelly letting go and moving on!

I talked to M from match last night. This is so hard, getting to know someone. I feel on the one hand like everything I say is being weighed and measured, and on the other like I'm not asking the right questions to really know what this new person is like. Also, yesterday morning he sent me an email saying that he wants to be really positive, live life with no regrets, etc, and that positive people have success. But then last night I tried to express my own similar (but differently termed) understanding, involving luck/resiliance/outlook, and I felt a bit cut off by him saying, "I don't believe in luck." Also, for someone who was supposedly really positive he was actually rather negative last night...I guess he's admitted one of his faults is not being very goal oriented, whereas I always have a sense of what I might like to be doing in 20 years, and so that's a bit of a conflict. Plus he's a night person and I'm a morning person... Ahhh... Well, I think I might keep looking a bit.

The other problem I have is that this is taking a lot of time up and I don't really have that much time, or won't soon when school heats up again. I haven't done a speck of homework the last two nights and won't be able to.

And finally, can I admit it to you all?!? In March the girls will be with their dad for a week for spring break. Honestly, I'd like to enjoy that time with someone, being social. But as for time before then or after (until summer anyway) my time will be more limited. So I'm trying to decide if this is fair or realistic. It's not that I want to exploit someone during that time, it's more that I want to take advantage of it because I normally DON'T have much free time without the girls.

At least M is very understanding about that, and because he puts his kids needs first (or says/seems to), he's pretty sympathetic. So we might meet for lunch sometime this week (the girls will be with my mom). It does feel like it's going a bit fast, but maybe I'm just nervous about being viewed

Have a great weekend ladies, and thanks for all the commiseration, support, and light-heartedness!
Jilian's Avatar Jilian 11:55 AM 01-21-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK
Thanks Jillian, I know you're right.

Boy, it's hard to face your own shadow
It's really good that you are able to see behaviors that may not be healthy. I was worried that maybe my post was too harsh but wanted to be honest because I've been there and it only harmed me in the long run. It sounds like you are making steps towards moving in the right direction. It is such a long and painful journey.
morgainesmama's Avatar morgainesmama 01:10 PM 01-21-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster
morgainesmama, how do you find the time?!?!? ... Do you only date when your ex has the kids? Are there others in my situation, where the ex doesn't have regular visitation, and what do you do?
I didn't date at all til this week, but I do all my social stuff while ex has the kids. I've never been social, outside of being mama, and was more than happy with that arrangement, but in NH half custody is standard, so it took several thousand dollars to fight down to this custody arrangement. I'm just making the best of an imperfect situation. I run an online business so my schedule is flexible. I get most of the work done while ex has the kids, but I can also work at night, etc. Also, my dd has been asking me since a month after ex moved out (when they started spending all his time with her gf and kids) "Mommy, when will you get a new HUSBAND?" and has suggested about a male friend of mine, "Well he can just break up with his [live-in] girlfriend and you can marry him!" So I really don't want her to know I'm dating right now.

Quote:
Also, I like your myspace profile a lot. I just started looking at that site, then my old friend/old flame had a space so I went to peek at his pictures. Keep us posted on all those dates! What characteristics are you finding most attractive?
Thanks. How cool that you found your fiery friend on there! I've been really surprised at how many people I've found ... aside from browsing you can also search by name or email address.

TBH I don't expect to date like this for more than a few weeks ... it's just something I've never done. I always slept with first/got into a serious relationship with the few boyfriends (um, and husband) I've had. So for me, it's fun to date people with the idea of only dating, right now, knowing I don't want a relationship just now, per se. It's empowering to break old habits.

Right now though I'm attracted to any guy who can carry on an intelligent conversation, respects kids, and doesn't expect to meet my kids. People who have matured past "Interests: FOOTBALL AND BEEER AND HOT GRRRRRLLS." And, people who can flatter me gently without going out of their way to be cheesy about it.

Quote:
It's not that I want to exploit someone during that time, it's more that I want to take advantage of it because I normally DON'T have much free time without the girls.
I dunno ... I think if you're up front with people, it's not exploiting them. As long as you're not leading someone on to think you're looking for more than whatever particular comfort level you have.


Quote:
It does feel like it's going a bit fast, but maybe I'm just nervous about being viewed
I have friends whom I've told, respect yourself enough not to sell yourself short, but respect yourself enough to listen to your heart. Don't NOT do something because you're afraid, but don't do it because you feel you have to.

When I first separated from ex, I put HUGE pressure on myself to MEET SOMEONE, to be in a relationship -- looked at him and his pregnant girlfriend and felt unloved and unworthy, but with the help of friends realized that really I just wanted to get to know myself again. I would say, go have a good time, but don't be afraid to back away if things are not going how you want/need them to.
morgainesmama's Avatar morgainesmama 01:15 PM 01-21-2006
I wanted to add that I so applaud all of you mamas who know you need your space. I know that for me at least that was so hard, because sometimes I just desparately wanted that validation from somebody else. Being true to oneself often isn't easy!!!
meemee's Avatar meemee 03:43 PM 01-21-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by morgainesmama
I wanted to add that I so applaud all of you mamas who know you need your space. I know that for me at least that was so hard, because sometimes I just desparately wanted that validation from somebody else. Being true to oneself often isn't easy!!!
i didnt voluntarily want the space. i was forced into it. i remember feeling so incredibly lonely and alone during my pregnancy. i was soooo sad. all i wanted was a hug or just that i care. but instead i saw this man in my house who i no longer knew who was straying even further away from me.

it was incred. hard with him there. but when we separated it was like a breath of fresh air. all the torment, aloneness, just went away. and then i realised how much fun it was not having to fight for time btw partner and child. its was neat to not feel pressured to have a bed time for dd so partner wouldnt feel neglected.

and today i have so much fun with my dd that sometimes i feel a relationship will be an intrusion into our now perfect world. which is why i really mostly long for friends where i can take dd along. but boy oh boy what i wouldnt give for some intelligent conversation.

its like i either want THE man or none at all. and i dont want to go thru few men to find THE man. esp. if it takes away time from my dd.

it is so funny my dd wants siblings. and i told her either i need to win teh lottery or find another daddy. so she has been doing the same thing. points to all her fav. dad's in ps and asks why he cant be my dadddy. and then once in a while she will make up oh so and so mommy died, can jason now be my daddy. whenever we are at the store she makes a beeline for the scratcher machines :
BelovedK's Avatar BelovedK 01:17 PM 01-22-2006
I just wanted to say that I went swing dancing last night (the most fun *adult* that I've had in a long time) and there were several attractive men there...Swing dancing is a great way to meet others that share your interests..it may not be your cup of tea, but I urge you to try it, it was more fun than i thought it would be.
Natalya's Avatar Natalya 01:18 AM 01-24-2006
I second myspace. It's how I started to talking to current bf. This is my profile... it's def not as pretty as yours morgainesmama! myspace. jster- zane's father has no visitation rights, so it's just me and zane. i'm not very comfortable asking my parents to baby sit for me, and plus I've never been much of a "dater" (I find dating puts me and the man in pretty superficial/out of the ordinary circumstance, and I'm more about finding out what he's really like.) So, my bf and I just hang out with Zane around. we do stuff geared towards him and usually have time for good conversation. I really like that because it is so pure, we really get to know each other and share thoughts before we get physical. (geez, it's been so long since I've done that : ) And then the physical-ness is that much more precious. This works for us because Zane is so young still... I don't know what I would do if he was older.

meemee, i hear you about THE man. That's my thing, B4 bf I was like "I'm not dating unless I can't even resist the man!", you know?

BelovedK, I was reading your post and kept picturing SQUARE dancing! I was picturing you slapping your knee etc. Which I'm sure would be fun... but swing dancing sounds way more cool.
CookieMonsterMommy's Avatar CookieMonsterMommy 02:27 AM 01-24-2006
lol, that's funny....

I was just about to ask if I could lurk here...see, I'm not dating, but I am talking to a guy from myspace. I was too embarassed to post that--glad I'm not alone!

Kelly
CookieMonsterMommy's Avatar CookieMonsterMommy 02:32 AM 01-24-2006
actually, I'm talking to him now. It's SO not anything even remotely close to serious, but it's nice to be talking to a guy who's 1st sentence is "I know I said I'd have the CS money for you today, but...."

But it's been so long, I don't kow how to talk to men, yk? Any tips on that? exDP and I were together since I was 15, so....not like I have a whole lot of experience......

Just wanted to post that.

kelly
BelovedK's Avatar BelovedK 09:54 AM 01-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalya

BelovedK, I was reading your post and kept picturing SQUARE dancing! I was picturing you slapping your knee etc. Which I'm sure would be fun... but swing dancing sounds way more cool.
: : :
Jster's Avatar Jster 10:39 AM 01-24-2006
Hehehe, I really think there oughtta be a support group for the "in my 20s and never dated as an adult group." I think there's a lot of us out there.

Sounds good that myspace is working out for you ladies as an outlet to the world. It looks something like a virtual meeting space...very interesting concept. The world sure has changed, hasn't it? And especially many of us have been using the internet for so many years, that it's just an integrated part of life. Let's hope we never lose electricity for good, huh?

Natalya, sounds good that you're comfortable with your bf being around your son...I probably would be too if they were younger (or the older one was younger ) But as it is she asks sooooo many questions and is pretty keen on more kids in the family, plus has a big thing for marriage, soo... I don't think I'd even be comfortable having someone come over after the kids are asleep, because they might wake up (and I certainly wouldn't want them to think I'm sneaking men into the house at night ). As it is I'll stick to the few breaks I've got for now, and plan for some more in the future. And if things go well with this guy perhaps we could set up play dates for when he's got his daughters (if he's interested in that) because I'm sure they'd all have a blast together (mine are almost 2 and 4.5, his are almost 4 and 6). I must admit, that's actually a big attraction to me...kids!

RE: my internet dating experience up to this point...I'm still emailing/talking to M, and we have a date planned for tomorrow lunch. Sheesh, am I nervous! I guess I'm most nervous he'll take one look at me and run away, and I know that's silly but still. I'm not a skinny person, probably qualify as "a few extra pounds" but my *image* of myself is average...I'm just very comfortable with myself. So I guess I worry now that I shoulda checked a different box on match.com. And I'd like to think that I'll be accepted for who I am, with the areas I'm hoping to improve on (I'm just now cutting down on sweets and trying to exercise more, I would like to be a bit more toned) just like I'm willing to at least give him a try even though he has one definite no in my book, smoking, because he's trying to quit and acknowledges it's a nasty habit. Sooo....Any suggestions ladies? We've had some great phone conversations and emails, and are on the same page about a lot of things. Though there are some on-going concerns I have about how his marriage ended and whether he really worked on it, or just got fed up and left (he says some very negative and some very positive things about his ex, I know that's normal, but sometimes he seems to blame a lot. And heck, even though my ex just up and had an affair and left, something I couldn't even try to really work on, I still DID try in what I could do and still DO recognize that I was inflexible in some key parts that might have made our relationship better).

Gee, I think I should get a word limit...sorry for always going

Have a good one ladies, and enjoy where ever you are in life!
morgainesmama's Avatar morgainesmama 01:23 PM 01-24-2006
Jster -- Have fun! Can't wait to hear how it goes ...

I'm so glad to learn I'm not the only one who feels like I don't know how to date.

Re: kids, I wouldn't mind having a date around the baby. But DD ... well, she's just desparate for me to get married. I don't want her to have any idea I'm dating! The refrain throughout was, "Are you and Daddy divorced YET?" "Not yet. Why?" "Well, I just REALLY want you to get a new HUSBAND." "Who would I marry?" She'd make suggestions. I'd point out that the various men I know are either related to me or with someone else -- she'd suggest that the attached ones break off their relationships. Then, "Well, you could just marry your BOYFRIEND." "I don't have a boyfriend." "Well, you should really just GET one." LOL. She's 6.

Kelly -- I still feel like a total dunce at talking to men, but 1) I rehearse acting confident and like, how I'll act when we first meet, and 2) Make lots of eye contact, try not to fidget, and try not to prattle on nervously as is my habit. I ask questions and then try to relate my own experiences in ways that connect, and I notice if they ask questions, and what kind of questions they ask. Asking questions about the kids and really seeming interested in the answers = BIG bonus points in my book.

Really though, I find that when I do all that, I feel more confident and even a little bit smooth. Um, in my big one-week of dating experience and few other encounters with men. Then again, if I'm out and a guy is making eye contact and seems interested, I blush and hide in a corner.

Re: online dating ... I though it was only for geeks til I started asking my little brother (big stud and a GRAND catch for whatever woman he lands with) and he said, "Well, I meet a lot of girls through match.com and craigslist." He seems like such a ladies' man that I was surprised, and suddenly online dating seemed like a better option. (For the record, he dates lots of single moms.)

lol -- I'm another . I think it comes from working at home and homeschooling and etc etc etc craving adult interaction!

~Kristi (who's looking forward to seeing a very sweet guy from myspace this week ... )
Shonahsmom's Avatar Shonahsmom 03:26 PM 01-25-2006
I've been dating the same man since October 2004. I know I've posted here and there about it and him. He is the total cat's meow. He is smart. ambitious, kind, gentle, stable, incredibly thoughtful, an amazing father to his own children (he has two) and wonderful to my dd. We moved super slow and I guess in a way we still are. We knew each other for about six years before we hooked up.. mainly as friendly acquaintances. His oldest child and my daughter went to the same daycare for a couple years and he lived in my neighborhood. We hooked up very unexpectedly.. I had honestly previously never once considered him in that way. We agreed in the beginning that neither of us was interested in anything serious.. I couldn't picture him being someone I wanted to get serious with because I had never felt any interest in him before and I knew there had been a lot of drama with him and his kids' mom. But, over the last year and a half we've become incredibly good friends and have built up a bond that I've never experienced with a man before. About nine months into it, we started spending time with each other's children. They already knew each other well, but we are just both very, very protective over our kids being involved or a part of our dating lives. As in I had never, not once, even introduced my daughter to any man I ever dated. I just feel strongly that there's absolutely no point in it unless that person has become a very trusted and significant part of your life. Anyway, we now spend A LOT of time with the kids and a lot of time together... but we remain in this weird limbo of him not quite wanting to move forward just yet. He was with his kids' mom for seven + years. She is the woman he first kissed, lost his virginity to, etc.. And they broke up about a year before we started seeing each other. He is scared of ending up in another bad relationship and he's not ready to make any plans about moving in, marriage, etc... I'm okay with it 99% of the time. I feel like, he's very honest with me, he doesn't play me, he treats me with absolute respect, we completely ga ga adore each other and he's good to me in the ways that really matter... but then about 1% of the time, I get impatient and frustrated. The last time that happened I broke things off... which also happened to coincide with it being five days after dd's father committed suicide and I was an utter wreck... note to self: do not make major life decisions when dealing with trauma. I totally freaked out about something pretty trivial. We gave it a few weeks... during which he was still being my friend and being very loving and supportive of the things I was going through with my daughter's father's death. He was still kind and thoughtful and present, even though he was totally heart broken. After a few weeks we got together and talked for hours about us and how we are at different places in what we want right now, but we concluded that even though we aren't at the exact same place we make each other extremely happy and have progressed hugely while we've been together.. He has progressed way farther than he initially thought he was capable of and that we are headed in the same direction, he's just a few paces behind me. Its hard basically just letting go and just being in the moment with someone and just trusting that whatever is meant to be will be and being okay with that. A lot of the time it feels really good being that way. It feels good not being hung up on ifs and whys and hows and whens.... to not view him as someone I want to possess in some way. Other times, it’s a challenge because I feel like what I've found in him is everything I am looking for and then some. He's every reason I stayed single for five years.. he is what I was holding out for. Our moral, social, parenting, and political principals match. He borrows my books and then reads them! We have actual book discussions. Whenever he's in my home (which is a lot... as in enough to have his own toiletries in my bathroom cabinet, has a set of keys, etc.) he's extremely helpful and thoughtful.. helps with meals, takes out the trash, picks up after the kids, etc... He always, always comes through when he says he's going to, never cancels on me, sends me loving, beautiful emails daily. He matches me intellectually (which, not to sound arrogant, I believe is the first time I've ever dated someone as intelligent as I am. Actually, he might be a tiny bit smarter.. just a tiny bit). He's told me that being with me has made him a better father. He doesn't like sports. He loves indie films and documentaries. And just gotta say... best sex EVER, like we need to write our own version of the Kama Sutra. In general, we have just have a blast together. So of course, with him being this man that I feel epitomizes everything I want, I want to plan a life with him. But he's just not quite there. And please, say it if you want, but I don't believe this is a case of "he's just not that into you," just because he's not ready to commit. I do think its possible that two people can love each other deeply, want to be together, but progress at different paces. That's my story and I'm sticking to it... for as long as it feels right to do so.
tekslilbrat's Avatar tekslilbrat 03:42 PM 01-25-2006
I agree that two people can be deeply in love , but also at different places. My boyfriend and I both have 3 children from our marriages and a son together, but decided early on that we would wait a while to get married. I think partly because we both had horrible marriages and partly because you have that fear that the second will go sour as well. I am fine with putting off the marrying part until I get my degree and stuff, but sometimes I get nervous that he is afraid to commit to that. Not necissarily getting engaged or what not, but just remind me every so often that you still wnat that commitment. He is my opposite in some ways, but my equal in alot of ways and for the first time, I really cannot picture mysef without him in my life. That is a feeling I never had before. Unfortunately you can't force the issue so you just have to take things one day at a time and hope for the best. I know I am.
Shonahsmom's Avatar Shonahsmom 03:51 PM 01-25-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by tekslilbrat
I agree that two people can be deeply in love , but also at different places. My boyfriend and I both have 3 children from our marriages and a son together, but decided early on that we would wait a while to get married. I think partly because we both had horrible marriages and partly because you have that fear that the second will go sour as well. I am fine with putting off the marrying part until I get my degree and stuff, but sometimes I get nervous that he is afraid to commit to that. Not necissarily getting engaged or what not, but just remind me every so often that you still wnat that commitment. He is my opposite in some ways, but my equal in alot of ways and for the first time, I really cannot picture mysef with him in my life. That is a feeling I never had before. Unfortunately you can't force the issue so you just have to take things one day at a time and hope for the best. I know I am.
Do you live together? Holy house full of kids if you do batman!
Jilian's Avatar Jilian 05:44 PM 01-25-2006
I can't wait to hear details about the dates you mamas are going on :

Nothing too exciting going on over here.
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